with the exception of two days' worth of intestinal distress, the weekend wasn't bad. well, as "not bad" as any weekend without her can be. i still missed her as much as any other weekend; maybe it just wasn't as ?crippling? because ... not sure why. because we were closer & better, i guess.
life was good. yesterday, i couldn't wait til this morning so we could talk again. this morning while getting dressed, while driving in, while waiting for her to get in, everything was fine.
until we start talking about... me dating. shes pushing me to do it (because in all honesty, i might never get around to it again). she says she wants me to, that it's something for me to do, to have fun with, "while i'm waiting". she wants to share it, talk about it, enjoy it together.
i agree on all points. she's right, i need to get out.
it just makes me feel like i'm cheating. and that she's pushing me away, foisting me off on someone else to make her life easier. i don't think that's what she's really doing, but it sure feels like it.
in theory, it should be easy. certainly, we've been able to talk about these very same things in the past. something for us to share. a kind of voyeuristic feel to the whole thing. shared conversations we could have about sex, dating, whatever, things that only B and i could share.
in practice, it feels much different. how can i tell her about a possible date when the only one i want to date is her?
fuck.
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