difficult

i wonder where the guy she used to know and talk to went? he certainly doesn't seem to be around here anymore. or maybe she just doesn't like him anymore.

she's already decided that her physical world is better without me in it. how much longer until she decides that her life is better without me in it at all?

the ex sent me an email over the weekend. truthfully, there was nothing in it i didn't already know but that doesn't make hearing it any easier.

B said it's hard to talk to me. i'm sure; i can be difficult.

difficult. it has so many meanings, applications.

like having the person you love be in love with someone else. being told no 1,038 times in a row. having dreams of her, wondering what she's doing with someone else, without you. knowing that with every year that passes, our age difference makes it even less likely. hearing her consistently say she's unhappy, but not unhappy enough to be with you. knowing that with every day that passes, the status quo is becoming more and more fixed, changes less and less likely. as she's said "i'm -here-. we have history." and more of it, not less, with each passing day.

after dropping my daughter off at college, i had the realization that my child rearing days are over. i'm sure she knows it too. while i've always told B that i would happily father and raise a child with her, if she should so desire (obviously, she'd have to be with -me-, not -him-), i'm sure she's never taken that literally, and even less so now.

she's at an age where a month, or a year, or two years, they're the same thing to her. so she can say "who knows what'll happen in two years?". for me, a year is a big deal. hell, a month is a big deal - when i'm watching her life. every month brings me closer to hearing her tell me she's finally agreed to marry him, or that she's pregnant. or that she's met someone and wants to make him her lover. or that she's done with me.