a world away

as i sit and write this, i'm acutely aware of what she's doing. and of how different her life is from mine.

i'm especially aware of where she is and where i am. and where she's not and where i'm not.

she's there, with him, in their perfect life. she's tired right now, but pumped up. tired because she's been preparing for tonights' party for days. i'm sure she spent all day as a whirlwind of activity, making sure that everything was just right, just -so-, for her guests.

for the last four hours she's been the perfect hostess, welcoming their friends into their home, sharing their holiday with them. i can see her, in my minds eye, swirling here and there, eyeing the scene, bringing humor and grace and most of all, her -presence- to the little groups of friends scattered throughout the house, the yard, on the dock.

where is he? is he hovering about her, protectively shielding her from the world (IE, me and any others like me), being the perfect partner to the perfect woman in the perfect life?

of course.

she joked last week about wishing she could invite me to the party.

i wonder if she's even thought about me since then? she said she'd call if she got a chance. why did i hold so tightly to that hope, when i know he doesn't let her out of his sight over the weekends?

to find someone and to be everything they thought they wanted is a powerful feeling, such a validation of one's life and self - "i'm worthy of being loved by someone special".

when they change their mind, it's ... devastating. everything that was at the center of your life and self is yanked away and replaced with .... dark emptiness. i guess not worthy, after all.