i'm lost. i think she's lost.
i don't know what to do with this life, what to do without her, how to live my life with her a thousand miles away, never any closer than a phone. I want someone to share everything with, fun, sex, exploration, the excitement and the boredom of daily life. truthfully, i don't want someone else, i want it to be her. i've found in her a host of characteristics that complement me. where i lack she shines. where i am weak she is strong. she is my friend. i want more, i need more. she tells me she can't give more, can't be more to me, at least not in the life we're living right now. what does that mean? soon? someday? or that she can see it, won't say it'll never happen, just not likely?
she doesn't know what to do in her life. she's not happy. she doesn't ever see him giving her more of what she wants and needs. yet she won't leave, won't even consider leaving. instead she blames herself for not being able to be happy there. why won't she understand that sometimes two people aren't able to form that bond, that union where each can flourish? just because two people get together doesn't make it a good partnership. if it did, the divorce rate would be zero, people would forever stay with the -first- person they ever formed a love relationship with. i know she understands that, but i don't understand why she doesn't -see- it, why she thinks it doesn't apply to her. i'm sure it has a lot to do with the level of financial comfort they've acheived, along with her guilt over having been "caught" before.
we had a difficult day yesterday, which double sucked since it was monday. i told her that i miss her every minute starting from the minute we hang up on Fridays. by sunday night i'm chomping at the bit practically watching every minute on the clock tick by. monday mornings i race through the morning, invariably getting to work early, only to have to start another long wait. i always have it in my mind that because we've been apart all weekend that she'll want to hurry into work, want to get there early (and in my fantasy) rush into work, through down her bags and grab up the phone to call.
what do i do for her? i can't help her. can't get her to help herself. can't get her to even look at her situation realistically and honestly enough that she can make an objective decision on what to do that's best for -her-. she doesn't want to do anything that will hurt him in any way, his feelings, his emotions, his family, his friends. they all think they're such a great couple together, it's like she doesn't want to make anyone think they were wrong. so she gives up her future, her happiness.
fuck.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
Exercise week ending 10/2/2005
Mon:
bike:
swim:
Tues:
bike:
swim:
Wed:
bike:
swim:
Thurs:
bike:
swim:
Fri:
bike:
swim:
Sat:
bike:
swim:
Sun:
bike:
swim:
Week Riding minute total:
Week riding mileage total:
bike:
swim:
Tues:
bike:
swim:
Wed:
bike:
swim:
Thurs:
bike:
swim:
Fri:
bike:
swim:
Sat:
bike:
swim:
Sun:
bike:
swim:
Week Riding minute total:
Week riding mileage total:
I hate weekends
i hate weekends. that sounds stupid, but it's true. i like having the time off and being able to sleep a little later and all that. but i hate them because it's 65+/- hours away from B. there's always a chance she'll call during the weekend, but that's infrequent.
over 2 & 1/2 days without talking to her. i hate it. she's out there, with her lover, living her life. i can't call her, can't im her, can't talk to her, can't email her.
what's she doing? what's she thinking? is life with him getting better? did they argue? did she have a great weekend with him? was there a lot of sex? no sex?
did she think of me? did she miss me?
g-d did i miss her.
why can't we be together? why can't we be lovers? why won't she even see me?
over 2 & 1/2 days without talking to her. i hate it. she's out there, with her lover, living her life. i can't call her, can't im her, can't talk to her, can't email her.
what's she doing? what's she thinking? is life with him getting better? did they argue? did she have a great weekend with him? was there a lot of sex? no sex?
did she think of me? did she miss me?
g-d did i miss her.
why can't we be together? why can't we be lovers? why won't she even see me?
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I have no control. I don't learn from the past
I really have no control. When things pop into my head that I think should be said, I do it. I might wait awhile, but once the thoughts' been thought, it's gonna get said, even if i think maybe i shouldn't or i should wait.
I had to ask her, even though I knew the answer. I was sure that hearing "no" would be handleable, that it'd be not a fatal blow. So I asked her "can I come see you". Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me? I knew what the answer would be, hoped for the other, but was sure I could handle it.
"no".
The cruelest, meanest, harshest word you could ever hear. It knocked the wind out of me. Took everything out of me. "no". How could it be no? how could she not want to see me, not want to meet?
once the initial pain and shock pass comes the ?embarrassment?. The realization of the extent of my self-delusion. Verification of her committment to the life she has. Embarrassment that at my age, for someone who in general is pretty realistic about the harshness of the world and the folly of humans, embarrassment that i could be so wrong in my belief that she wants me. i know what it is, although it's still no excuse. my love for her, my desire, my conviction that she is the one are so strong that it blinds me to the reality that just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean it's reciprocal. i don't understand how it could not be yet there it is.
it wouldn't make it any easier, but at least it would bring ?some sense? to it if she would just tell me what it is that he has, what's in their life together that's so special, so binding, that she stays.
even that thought is built on the errant assumption that she feels for me what i want her to feel for me, what i wish that she felt for me. my wanting her doesn't change her feelings for him.
only forty more years without her. i didn't have her the first 45 years.
but then i didn't know what i didn't have, either.
I had to ask her, even though I knew the answer. I was sure that hearing "no" would be handleable, that it'd be not a fatal blow. So I asked her "can I come see you". Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me? I knew what the answer would be, hoped for the other, but was sure I could handle it.
"no".
The cruelest, meanest, harshest word you could ever hear. It knocked the wind out of me. Took everything out of me. "no". How could it be no? how could she not want to see me, not want to meet?
once the initial pain and shock pass comes the ?embarrassment?. The realization of the extent of my self-delusion. Verification of her committment to the life she has. Embarrassment that at my age, for someone who in general is pretty realistic about the harshness of the world and the folly of humans, embarrassment that i could be so wrong in my belief that she wants me. i know what it is, although it's still no excuse. my love for her, my desire, my conviction that she is the one are so strong that it blinds me to the reality that just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean it's reciprocal. i don't understand how it could not be yet there it is.
it wouldn't make it any easier, but at least it would bring ?some sense? to it if she would just tell me what it is that he has, what's in their life together that's so special, so binding, that she stays.
even that thought is built on the errant assumption that she feels for me what i want her to feel for me, what i wish that she felt for me. my wanting her doesn't change her feelings for him.
only forty more years without her. i didn't have her the first 45 years.
but then i didn't know what i didn't have, either.
I'm a jerk
Rome wasn't built in a day, but it was burned in one.
I was a basket case yesterday. Sunk so deep in my own depression, distraught at the unfairness of a life that would let me know her but not have her, I was anything but a friend to her yesterday.
I could tell she was getting less and less tolerant of me as the day progressed, but I could not get myself out of my funk.
I feel like everything we've accomplished in building and rebuilding our relationship over the last few weeks has been lost, like i've completely screwed it up, pushed her so far away. She must be disgusted at my weakness.
I need to talk to her, hear her voice, hear her talk to -me- as her friend even more than yesterday. But I half expect that I may not even hear from her till late in the morning.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
UPDATE: an hour past 'normal' and no word.
I knew it.
I was a basket case yesterday. Sunk so deep in my own depression, distraught at the unfairness of a life that would let me know her but not have her, I was anything but a friend to her yesterday.
I could tell she was getting less and less tolerant of me as the day progressed, but I could not get myself out of my funk.
I feel like everything we've accomplished in building and rebuilding our relationship over the last few weeks has been lost, like i've completely screwed it up, pushed her so far away. She must be disgusted at my weakness.
I need to talk to her, hear her voice, hear her talk to -me- as her friend even more than yesterday. But I half expect that I may not even hear from her till late in the morning.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
UPDATE: an hour past 'normal' and no word.
I knew it.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
where, where, where?
it's late, nearly an hour after we would have normally talked.
why do i freak out so much?
where is she? did she have a great night last night, the night I fear so much? A great bday celebration, great gift, him on his knee proposing, her accepting, hours of awesome, sweaty sex, throughout the night and again this morning? is that why she's late, from a morning repeat?
or is she hurt? traffic accident? migraine?
the one thing i almost never let myself think: did she break up with him finally? did they argue and cry and talk all night about why this isn't working, about who gets what?
or, insult of insults...did she just have a normal morning and forgot about me? maybe i never crossed her mind. or maybe she walked into an already crazy office and never had a chance to think about calling...
fuck.
must breathe.
why do i freak out so much?
where is she? did she have a great night last night, the night I fear so much? A great bday celebration, great gift, him on his knee proposing, her accepting, hours of awesome, sweaty sex, throughout the night and again this morning? is that why she's late, from a morning repeat?
or is she hurt? traffic accident? migraine?
the one thing i almost never let myself think: did she break up with him finally? did they argue and cry and talk all night about why this isn't working, about who gets what?
or, insult of insults...did she just have a normal morning and forgot about me? maybe i never crossed her mind. or maybe she walked into an already crazy office and never had a chance to think about calling...
fuck.
must breathe.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Exercise, week ending 9/25/2005
Mon: Got my new bike! woohoo!
bike: 30 mins.
swim: nope
Tues:
bike: 58 mins, 11.95 miles
swim: nope
Wed:
bike: 47 mins, 9.4 mi
swim:
Thurs:
bike: a.m.: 23 mins, 4.6mi
bike: p.m.: 46 mins, 10.6 mi
swim:
Fri:
bike: 40 mins, 7.9 mi
Sat:
bike: 1:09 13.7 mi
swim:
Sun:
bike: 1:02 13.02 mi
swim:
bike: 30 mins.
swim: nope
Tues:
bike: 58 mins, 11.95 miles
swim: nope
Wed:
bike: 47 mins, 9.4 mi
swim:
Thurs:
bike: a.m.: 23 mins, 4.6mi
bike: p.m.: 46 mins, 10.6 mi
swim:
Fri:
bike: 40 mins, 7.9 mi
Sat:
bike: 1:09 13.7 mi
swim:
Sun:
bike: 1:02 13.02 mi
swim:
Her birthday, my resolution
Her birthday is soon. This is her third birthday since we've known each other. Each year I've hoped, for her birthday, that I would finally get to meet her. How's that for a backwards, selfish wish? I probably justified it by thinking it was what she wanted too.
This year has to be different. This year I want to concentrate on getting her on the path that she wants to be on, the path to her life, the path to her happiness. I'm not sure what that path is, and she's probably not either, but I'm going to try to do whatever I can to help her find it. Even though I know it may mean encouraging her to rebuild her relationship with bf and to pull away from me and the distraction of me, if that's where her happiness lies, then I'm going to encourage her in that direction.
There's challenges in that of course. For one thing, I'm really not sure that that's where her future and her happiness lie. Certainly there's a future of -comfort- there, a life of creature comforts and average american mediocrity. But happiness? I'm not at all sure. For another, how difficult will it be for me to let her out of my life, to even push her there? It'd be easier if I could know with certainty that her happiness awaits her there, but I don't know that. In fact, I rather doubt it. But I have to be careful that my surety isn't just my desire to have her for myself.
She deserves it so much. She's been psychically bashed and battered the last year or so and it's time for her to get past this turmoil. I would make the decision for her if I could be sure I wouldn't be tainted by my own wishes and desires. I feel very comfortable telling her that bf is not where her future and her happiness are, but I can't be sure that telling her it's with me is quite as objective.
Regardless, it's not my decision to make. My obligation to my friend, to my love, is to listen, to think clearly, to be honest with her, no matter what the potential impact on my personal life is. I will push her when needed, console her when she needs it, advise her when she asks. But most of all I will struggle to keep her best interests, not my own desires, foremost in my thoughts.
I owe her that.
This year has to be different. This year I want to concentrate on getting her on the path that she wants to be on, the path to her life, the path to her happiness. I'm not sure what that path is, and she's probably not either, but I'm going to try to do whatever I can to help her find it. Even though I know it may mean encouraging her to rebuild her relationship with bf and to pull away from me and the distraction of me, if that's where her happiness lies, then I'm going to encourage her in that direction.
There's challenges in that of course. For one thing, I'm really not sure that that's where her future and her happiness lie. Certainly there's a future of -comfort- there, a life of creature comforts and average american mediocrity. But happiness? I'm not at all sure. For another, how difficult will it be for me to let her out of my life, to even push her there? It'd be easier if I could know with certainty that her happiness awaits her there, but I don't know that. In fact, I rather doubt it. But I have to be careful that my surety isn't just my desire to have her for myself.
She deserves it so much. She's been psychically bashed and battered the last year or so and it's time for her to get past this turmoil. I would make the decision for her if I could be sure I wouldn't be tainted by my own wishes and desires. I feel very comfortable telling her that bf is not where her future and her happiness are, but I can't be sure that telling her it's with me is quite as objective.
Regardless, it's not my decision to make. My obligation to my friend, to my love, is to listen, to think clearly, to be honest with her, no matter what the potential impact on my personal life is. I will push her when needed, console her when she needs it, advise her when she asks. But most of all I will struggle to keep her best interests, not my own desires, foremost in my thoughts.
I owe her that.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
the facade crumbles
I don't know what to do baby. maybe you were right all along, maybe -this- IS all there is to life.
i realized after talking to you how wrong i am, in so many ways. i'm not the man for you. as much as i want to be, i don't think i can be. i can't, wouldn't be able to keep you satisfied - not any more than you are now, and probably less. you bought a house, -another- investment property. you didn't even remember it, didn't even think to tell me about it in three months. why? i think because it was no big deal to you. you knew he had it under control. you knew he'd handle it. and you knew when the time came, you'd jump into it, just another project with him. and you'd finish it, sell it, reap the rewards and move on.
i'm not that go-getter B. buying a house would be a huge deal to me. as would getting it done. but you simply expect it from yourself and you expect it from him. i think you'd grow quickly tired of me and dissatisfied and unhappy.
this got me to thinking about my life, where i am and where i might be heading. when you've wondered if "this is all there is" i always answered no, there's more. there's love and companionship and excitement and happiness. and i believed that. i still do, but with some caveats. maybe all that isnt quite what i thought it to be. maybe it's not the grandiose romantic vision i've believed and let you to believe. maybe it's just having a partner you can stand to stay with for many years. maybe a brother/friend type love is the best there is. maybe taking bike rides or runs together and having a nice place to live and doing things like investment properties is the best we can hope for. maybe i always envisioned so much more because i wanted (want) you so bad. -you- would make my life so much better. but the hell of it is, i dont think i'd make your life any better, and probably worse.
to finally have you and then to fail you, to find out that i'm not the man you thought, even worse, to have you find out that i'm not the man you thought i was - that's a failure i don't know i could face.
i realized after talking to you how wrong i am, in so many ways. i'm not the man for you. as much as i want to be, i don't think i can be. i can't, wouldn't be able to keep you satisfied - not any more than you are now, and probably less. you bought a house, -another- investment property. you didn't even remember it, didn't even think to tell me about it in three months. why? i think because it was no big deal to you. you knew he had it under control. you knew he'd handle it. and you knew when the time came, you'd jump into it, just another project with him. and you'd finish it, sell it, reap the rewards and move on.
i'm not that go-getter B. buying a house would be a huge deal to me. as would getting it done. but you simply expect it from yourself and you expect it from him. i think you'd grow quickly tired of me and dissatisfied and unhappy.
this got me to thinking about my life, where i am and where i might be heading. when you've wondered if "this is all there is" i always answered no, there's more. there's love and companionship and excitement and happiness. and i believed that. i still do, but with some caveats. maybe all that isnt quite what i thought it to be. maybe it's not the grandiose romantic vision i've believed and let you to believe. maybe it's just having a partner you can stand to stay with for many years. maybe a brother/friend type love is the best there is. maybe taking bike rides or runs together and having a nice place to live and doing things like investment properties is the best we can hope for. maybe i always envisioned so much more because i wanted (want) you so bad. -you- would make my life so much better. but the hell of it is, i dont think i'd make your life any better, and probably worse.
to finally have you and then to fail you, to find out that i'm not the man you thought, even worse, to have you find out that i'm not the man you thought i was - that's a failure i don't know i could face.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Cresting the hill and facing the cliff
The cycle continues. i'm fighting it but it's hard.
we've been "head above the clouds" for days, a week even. is it a chemical imbalance that once again threatens to send me over the edge or perhaps just my fucked up mental/emotional state?
We've been so close lately... it's been great, relaxed, comfortable, comforting. So why did i start to feel like she was getting a little distant this afternoon? is it all just me and a distorted read on things? or is she (even subconsciously) beginning to pull back with the approach of the weekend?
it's her birthday next week. i'm sure he has something special planned for this weekend and for the day of her birthday. is that a factor in her pulling back? is she even pulling back at all? maybe it's all in my head. maybe it's just the normal ebb and flow of connection between people.
i sit at night and i wonder about us, about her. will she ever let me into her real world? ever let us touch for real? not even so far as to become lovers, but just to sit together, talk, laugh, touch, smile at each other? will she choose to let herself find happiness or will she stay there becoming increasingly numb and withdrawn? will she let herself find happiness, or at least -try- to find it? will she ever turn to me with her arms open and call me to her?
where does this stuff come from? why am i so tortured with thoughts of losing her or never having her?
she tells me of the sex in their new hot tub. i knew it was happening, will continue to happen. why wouldn't she tell me of it? why does it hurt so much, even though i -want- her to be sexual, want her to have fun, want to hear of it? i know why of course. because it's with him. in their life together. a life that i believe she really doesn't want to be in anymore but she can't shake the hold he has on her.
i know it's partly jealousy. i'm crazy jealous about her. i can't stand the thought of her loving another man, especially him. fucking is no problem - i could easily watch her with many lovers, could and would help arrange it for her. but that's -sex-. it's the affection and emotion of her toward any one else, especially him, that tortures me so.
i haven't been drinking hardly at all - last weekend was the only time in 2 weeks. i don't want to start again because i'm trying to lose weight (although, why? it's not like it's gonna make women want me all of a sudden. those days are 20 years gone..). but it does have a bit of a pull. yeah, it doesn't make it all go away. if anything, the depression and hurt and down feelings are even more and more intense while drinking. but at least the memory of it is dulled the next day.
fuck.
there's dark clouds coming in and i don't know how to avoid them.
we've been "head above the clouds" for days, a week even. is it a chemical imbalance that once again threatens to send me over the edge or perhaps just my fucked up mental/emotional state?
We've been so close lately... it's been great, relaxed, comfortable, comforting. So why did i start to feel like she was getting a little distant this afternoon? is it all just me and a distorted read on things? or is she (even subconsciously) beginning to pull back with the approach of the weekend?
it's her birthday next week. i'm sure he has something special planned for this weekend and for the day of her birthday. is that a factor in her pulling back? is she even pulling back at all? maybe it's all in my head. maybe it's just the normal ebb and flow of connection between people.
i sit at night and i wonder about us, about her. will she ever let me into her real world? ever let us touch for real? not even so far as to become lovers, but just to sit together, talk, laugh, touch, smile at each other? will she choose to let herself find happiness or will she stay there becoming increasingly numb and withdrawn? will she let herself find happiness, or at least -try- to find it? will she ever turn to me with her arms open and call me to her?
where does this stuff come from? why am i so tortured with thoughts of losing her or never having her?
she tells me of the sex in their new hot tub. i knew it was happening, will continue to happen. why wouldn't she tell me of it? why does it hurt so much, even though i -want- her to be sexual, want her to have fun, want to hear of it? i know why of course. because it's with him. in their life together. a life that i believe she really doesn't want to be in anymore but she can't shake the hold he has on her.
i know it's partly jealousy. i'm crazy jealous about her. i can't stand the thought of her loving another man, especially him. fucking is no problem - i could easily watch her with many lovers, could and would help arrange it for her. but that's -sex-. it's the affection and emotion of her toward any one else, especially him, that tortures me so.
i haven't been drinking hardly at all - last weekend was the only time in 2 weeks. i don't want to start again because i'm trying to lose weight (although, why? it's not like it's gonna make women want me all of a sudden. those days are 20 years gone..). but it does have a bit of a pull. yeah, it doesn't make it all go away. if anything, the depression and hurt and down feelings are even more and more intense while drinking. but at least the memory of it is dulled the next day.
fuck.
there's dark clouds coming in and i don't know how to avoid them.
Trust, love, responsibility. Ownership.
she is mine. i feel her close. i feel the connection between us.
i hold the gift of her submission in my heart.
she gives herself to me. completely.
it's so paradoxical that by giving herself to me, without reservation, i free her to become who she wishes to be. she is absolved from all ?responsibility? for her actions, her desires, her pleasure and her pain. by giving up everything, by relinquishing all control over herself to me, making it appear as though she is a slave to me, she gains complete freedom.
she is not a slave, a word so incorrect in meaning. i don't know of the proper word, i'm not sure there is one. "Property" is close - she is my property in that she gives ownership of herself to me and I -own- her. But even that is only loosely correct.
She gains freedom by giving hers up. In a similar way, I take on the responsibility of owning her as property, of being responsible for her well being, her pleasure, her safety. On the surface, that's a huge responsibility. Yet, it's not. Caring for her is a labor of love - an immense responsibility and yet effortless. By owning her, I am freed from the normal wonder, during life or during loving, of "is this good for her?", "is she satisfied?", "will she freak out if i do/suggest this?". Instead, she becomes the instrument of my pleasure. Anything I choose to do to her, to her body, with her body, is mine to do. And she will gain pleasure from it, either directly or indirectly. Her pain is my pleasure and hers. Her pleasure is my pleasure, and at my pleasure.
Words don't do this relationship, this type of relationship, justice. Only those who have experienced one such as this can truly understand the nuances, the subtleties, the intricacies of the partnership. Those who haven't can only read the (completely inadequate) descriptions of words to gain even the slightest possible understanding of the ?completeness? of this relationship, this type of relationship. Those who can't understand the words will use as reference typical societal interpretations of "slave" and "owned" and "human property" and stand aghast at what appears to be such a medieval, cruel, archaic bondage.
Bondage??? It's -freedom- of the most complete sort. One party, the owned, gives up all control. Even I can only imagine how liberating that must be. The other party, the Owner, takes on ownership of another human, of the person they are most in love with. It requires complete trust of the Owner by the owned. And the Owner takes on the somber responsibility for everything that affects the owned.
For those romantics who dream of true love, as I have and did: you at least have an idea of what a real soul connection can be like, yet even the best of "true love" pales in comparison to this.
She, B, is my property. She has given herself to me. I own her.
I love her.
i hold the gift of her submission in my heart.
she gives herself to me. completely.
it's so paradoxical that by giving herself to me, without reservation, i free her to become who she wishes to be. she is absolved from all ?responsibility? for her actions, her desires, her pleasure and her pain. by giving up everything, by relinquishing all control over herself to me, making it appear as though she is a slave to me, she gains complete freedom.
she is not a slave, a word so incorrect in meaning. i don't know of the proper word, i'm not sure there is one. "Property" is close - she is my property in that she gives ownership of herself to me and I -own- her. But even that is only loosely correct.
She gains freedom by giving hers up. In a similar way, I take on the responsibility of owning her as property, of being responsible for her well being, her pleasure, her safety. On the surface, that's a huge responsibility. Yet, it's not. Caring for her is a labor of love - an immense responsibility and yet effortless. By owning her, I am freed from the normal wonder, during life or during loving, of "is this good for her?", "is she satisfied?", "will she freak out if i do/suggest this?". Instead, she becomes the instrument of my pleasure. Anything I choose to do to her, to her body, with her body, is mine to do. And she will gain pleasure from it, either directly or indirectly. Her pain is my pleasure and hers. Her pleasure is my pleasure, and at my pleasure.
Words don't do this relationship, this type of relationship, justice. Only those who have experienced one such as this can truly understand the nuances, the subtleties, the intricacies of the partnership. Those who haven't can only read the (completely inadequate) descriptions of words to gain even the slightest possible understanding of the ?completeness? of this relationship, this type of relationship. Those who can't understand the words will use as reference typical societal interpretations of "slave" and "owned" and "human property" and stand aghast at what appears to be such a medieval, cruel, archaic bondage.
Bondage??? It's -freedom- of the most complete sort. One party, the owned, gives up all control. Even I can only imagine how liberating that must be. The other party, the Owner, takes on ownership of another human, of the person they are most in love with. It requires complete trust of the Owner by the owned. And the Owner takes on the somber responsibility for everything that affects the owned.
For those romantics who dream of true love, as I have and did: you at least have an idea of what a real soul connection can be like, yet even the best of "true love" pales in comparison to this.
She, B, is my property. She has given herself to me. I own her.
I love her.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Guess I am just like all the other guys
The other day B was said that she was frustrated that -every- touch by a man (bf in particular but men in general) had to turn into something sexual. For the most part I'd say I'd agree with that, although I believe(d) I was different and told her so. I was probably a little ?offended? at the generalization even though I know that there's no small amount of truth to it. Still, especially where B is concerned, I like to think I'm different. I like to think that were she and I together that the things that are ?wrong? in her life with bf would be different in our life together.
In this case at least, regarding all touches inevitably turning sexual, I was wrong.
The day after we had that conversation I did exactly the same thing.
We were talking after work, our time to let our hair down, relax, be with each other, enjoy each others' company. I told her I wanted to touch her; she wanted that too. What I had in mind was sensual, soft touching, me describing, her imagining. I knew when I told her to go to the conference table that she thought I was going to describe bending her over it, fucking her hard right there. I wasn't though. I pictured, wanted, soft touching, caresses, making her tingle all over, eating her there; she the focus of all of my attention. Not fucking, not even making love, just me loving her.
How could I forget what we had so recently talked about, how she's been feeling that every touch by a man -has- to lead to sex? What the hell is wrong with me? The thoughts even went through my head, but I ?reasoned? that her voice told me she wanted to be touched and that I was special and she wanted to be touched in this way. Why? Why would I think that?
I know why, of course. And it's exactly what she would say too: thinking with the wrong head.
I was so immediately shamed when she said "no" to me while I was talking to her. I couldn't even speak for a couple of minutes.
It's probably the most shameful thing I've ever done to her. No, that's not right - lying to her would me -my- most shameful thing.
It bothers me a great deal that I did that to her, that I took her trust, knowing how she felt about touching leading to sex and then I did the exact same thing. I betrayed her trust. She did trust me to be different, to know her, she expected me to be different. But I wasn't.
And that bothers me too - that I thought I was different to her, for her. And then to be exposed as a fraud.
In this case at least, regarding all touches inevitably turning sexual, I was wrong.
The day after we had that conversation I did exactly the same thing.
We were talking after work, our time to let our hair down, relax, be with each other, enjoy each others' company. I told her I wanted to touch her; she wanted that too. What I had in mind was sensual, soft touching, me describing, her imagining. I knew when I told her to go to the conference table that she thought I was going to describe bending her over it, fucking her hard right there. I wasn't though. I pictured, wanted, soft touching, caresses, making her tingle all over, eating her there; she the focus of all of my attention. Not fucking, not even making love, just me loving her.
How could I forget what we had so recently talked about, how she's been feeling that every touch by a man -has- to lead to sex? What the hell is wrong with me? The thoughts even went through my head, but I ?reasoned? that her voice told me she wanted to be touched and that I was special and she wanted to be touched in this way. Why? Why would I think that?
I know why, of course. And it's exactly what she would say too: thinking with the wrong head.
I was so immediately shamed when she said "no" to me while I was talking to her. I couldn't even speak for a couple of minutes.
It's probably the most shameful thing I've ever done to her. No, that's not right - lying to her would me -my- most shameful thing.
It bothers me a great deal that I did that to her, that I took her trust, knowing how she felt about touching leading to sex and then I did the exact same thing. I betrayed her trust. She did trust me to be different, to know her, she expected me to be different. But I wasn't.
And that bothers me too - that I thought I was different to her, for her. And then to be exposed as a fraud.
Monday, September 12, 2005
i miss my B
it was a long weekend and i miss her.
i can't wait till she's back...
i hope someday she won't have to leave me for the weekend.. for her other life.. her real life...
i want her real life to be mine.
i can't wait till she's back...
i hope someday she won't have to leave me for the weekend.. for her other life.. her real life...
i want her real life to be mine.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
exercise week ending 9/10/2005
Mon:
bike:
swim:
Tues:
bike: 26 mins. pushed harder than usual.
swim: 6 laps
Wed: I wimped out on the afterwork workout :-(
Thurs:
AM Workout!!
bike: 27 minutes. rode to the school, did 5ish laps around the little parking lot, then about 3 around the larger one. was ready to call it a day, decided to force myself to do 5 more laps.
Fri:
Sat:
bike: 30 mins. pushed myself a bit, took new roads
swim: 6 laps.
Sun:
bike:
swim:
Tues:
bike: 26 mins. pushed harder than usual.
swim: 6 laps
Wed: I wimped out on the afterwork workout :-(
Thurs:
AM Workout!!
bike: 27 minutes. rode to the school, did 5ish laps around the little parking lot, then about 3 around the larger one. was ready to call it a day, decided to force myself to do 5 more laps.
Fri:
Sat:
bike: 30 mins. pushed myself a bit, took new roads
swim: 6 laps.
Sun:
apparently, learning disabled
when will i learn?
i never fail to disappoint her. i should know by now that after returning from a weekend she can't and won't jump back to closeness. and yet i invariably ambush her with it, probably more than any other day, because it's what -i- need. after being apart from her, i need to reconnect, i need to feel her closeness, i need to know that i'm important to her.
it's all about my needs which stem not only from my love for her but from my insecurities. and like a self fulfilling prophesy, the very things i fear - her aloofness, her not wanting me, not wanting to be close to me - i cause to happen.
the more i want her, the more i push her away. the more i get crazy because she's so unhappy where she is and the plainer it is (to me anyway) that she needs to get out of that life, the more crazy i get and the crazier i get the more she sees me as crazy and is probably gladder and gladder that she never met me and the more i try to show her that if we were together i'd be different, the more she clings on to being where she's unhappy.
how can i go on knowing that she's so unhappy there? it seems that if i'm here and available she won't leave because she doesn't want to jump from one relationship to another. so because i'm available, she clings to her unhappiness. if i wasn't available, perhaps she'd be more able to leave, feeling she wasn't trading one for the other. but i also feel that she's too ?scared? to make the break with nothing to go to, with no support waiting for her.
so it would seem that i'm the exact thing she didn't need when she starting seeking answers two years ago. my presence keeps her there, and yet without the support (emotional and other) of a good friend, she can't bring herself to leave. so instead of finding answers she found no escape, found herself trapped in an empty life she doesn't want but can't bring herself to leave. she's willing to sacrifice her life and happiness to avoid hurting him.
fucking wonderful.
i'm such a good friend.
i never fail to disappoint her. i should know by now that after returning from a weekend she can't and won't jump back to closeness. and yet i invariably ambush her with it, probably more than any other day, because it's what -i- need. after being apart from her, i need to reconnect, i need to feel her closeness, i need to know that i'm important to her.
it's all about my needs which stem not only from my love for her but from my insecurities. and like a self fulfilling prophesy, the very things i fear - her aloofness, her not wanting me, not wanting to be close to me - i cause to happen.
the more i want her, the more i push her away. the more i get crazy because she's so unhappy where she is and the plainer it is (to me anyway) that she needs to get out of that life, the more crazy i get and the crazier i get the more she sees me as crazy and is probably gladder and gladder that she never met me and the more i try to show her that if we were together i'd be different, the more she clings on to being where she's unhappy.
how can i go on knowing that she's so unhappy there? it seems that if i'm here and available she won't leave because she doesn't want to jump from one relationship to another. so because i'm available, she clings to her unhappiness. if i wasn't available, perhaps she'd be more able to leave, feeling she wasn't trading one for the other. but i also feel that she's too ?scared? to make the break with nothing to go to, with no support waiting for her.
so it would seem that i'm the exact thing she didn't need when she starting seeking answers two years ago. my presence keeps her there, and yet without the support (emotional and other) of a good friend, she can't bring herself to leave. so instead of finding answers she found no escape, found herself trapped in an empty life she doesn't want but can't bring herself to leave. she's willing to sacrifice her life and happiness to avoid hurting him.
fucking wonderful.
i'm such a good friend.
Monday, September 05, 2005
i did it again
why do i set myself up for disappointment? i know better yet i let hope get the better of me. hope and wishful thinking that i have some insight into what's unspoken, that i know what's in her heart, unspoken in what she says.
it was a good week. we connected, ?clarified? things that have been fuzzy for far too long, came to concensus on how things should be. we didn't end friday great. but she called just before she got home and we kinda made up/made it better.
so there was friday. and a three day weekend - 3 long days without her. and our closeness last week. and she knew i would be in the car for many hours today. so i expected her call. i had no reason to. she never said she would. if anything, has said she won't on the weekends. she so rarely gets a chance to. why would i expect this weekend to be different? well, because of our closeness last week, because we ended poorly on friday, because it was three long days apart, because she knew i'd be in the car for many hours today. i tell myself that because i know her, i know that this is what she'd be thinking, and i convince myself of its truth. but i -do- know her and i do know what she's probably thinking; it's just that i want to believe that it's about me, not him.
wishful thinking. why can't i just accept that she has a life. i want to think i'm a main part of it but the truth of the matter is that she spends a lot more time without me than with me. i get her during the week, during her work day. and then she's home to him and their life together. she spends many more hours with him. (that statement sounds so absurd - of course she does. they're lovers, life partners, she lives with him. why is that so hard to figure out?) physically close. seeing him, hearing him, touching him. they talk, they laugh, they do things together, they eat together, have a drink on the dock together, walk the dog together. they sleep together, have sex, wake up together. when she wakes frightened in the night, she turns to him, he's the one that gets to be there for her.
my schedule seems so opposite hers. i spend most of every day and all weekends and holidays wanting her, wishing we could be together, hoping for a two minute phone call, waiting impatiently for the next workday so i can actually have her, somewhat, for a few hours. hear her, write to her, know that occasionally i'm in her thoughts.
she's there with him. she has a life with him. she's smart and sexy and vibrant and alive and beautiful and sassy and i can't be a part of her life no matter how much i want it, no matter what i do. i would change my life, give her my life, my love, my attention, my devotion. it's hers for the asking. but she won't have it and i can't give it to her.
and still i've missed her so much.
it was a good week. we connected, ?clarified? things that have been fuzzy for far too long, came to concensus on how things should be. we didn't end friday great. but she called just before she got home and we kinda made up/made it better.
so there was friday. and a three day weekend - 3 long days without her. and our closeness last week. and she knew i would be in the car for many hours today. so i expected her call. i had no reason to. she never said she would. if anything, has said she won't on the weekends. she so rarely gets a chance to. why would i expect this weekend to be different? well, because of our closeness last week, because we ended poorly on friday, because it was three long days apart, because she knew i'd be in the car for many hours today. i tell myself that because i know her, i know that this is what she'd be thinking, and i convince myself of its truth. but i -do- know her and i do know what she's probably thinking; it's just that i want to believe that it's about me, not him.
wishful thinking. why can't i just accept that she has a life. i want to think i'm a main part of it but the truth of the matter is that she spends a lot more time without me than with me. i get her during the week, during her work day. and then she's home to him and their life together. she spends many more hours with him. (that statement sounds so absurd - of course she does. they're lovers, life partners, she lives with him. why is that so hard to figure out?) physically close. seeing him, hearing him, touching him. they talk, they laugh, they do things together, they eat together, have a drink on the dock together, walk the dog together. they sleep together, have sex, wake up together. when she wakes frightened in the night, she turns to him, he's the one that gets to be there for her.
my schedule seems so opposite hers. i spend most of every day and all weekends and holidays wanting her, wishing we could be together, hoping for a two minute phone call, waiting impatiently for the next workday so i can actually have her, somewhat, for a few hours. hear her, write to her, know that occasionally i'm in her thoughts.
she's there with him. she has a life with him. she's smart and sexy and vibrant and alive and beautiful and sassy and i can't be a part of her life no matter how much i want it, no matter what i do. i would change my life, give her my life, my love, my attention, my devotion. it's hers for the asking. but she won't have it and i can't give it to her.
and still i've missed her so much.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
I can see the light...
What a wonderful day we had yesterday. It was brought on by a confluence of events. Our Tuesday talk was good, no, great and heartfelt and sincere and more importantly, open and honest and frank. And i think she finally got through to me.
And damn it, she's been right all along. But I knew that, knew that what she's been saying all along has been right: that we have to enjoy our relationship as it is, make the most of it of where we are now, of what we are and can be to each other right now. There might be more in the future or there might not, but i can't live with that as the reason for my existence, because every day that passes without having it, without having her at least moving closer to me, to that end, i'd ultimately self-destruct. She said to live each day, being the friends to each other that we are, that we have been, that we know we can be. through that we'll grow together, we'll grow closer and we'll be able to get the maximum benefit and enjoyment from the special relationship that we share now.
of course, she's right. and something changed for me after we hung up tuesday evening. i cried when we hung up, as i'd been doing for several weeks. everytime she left me i felt abandoned, alone, hopeless, desolate, empty. when she hung up tuesday, i felt those things, but briefly, perhaps five or ten minutes versus what had been happening before (where i was completely useless, immobile for up to 30 minutes and then a zombie for the rest of the evening). and then... it lifted. i felt her with me, heard her words again and it was suddenly clear, suddenly not made sense, because it did before, but suddenly i ?accepted? the logic of it.
i was upbeat the rest of the night. still a little muted, because i was missing her, but then i miss her every minute we're not together, but ?at peace? almost?
wednesday. wednesday our day together was ?amazing?. it was a day out of our book of "Wonderful Days from our past". We were close, open, comfortable. without the cloud of ?despair? (from me) obscuring our friendship and covering up what we have, we were able to see each other clearly for perhaps the first time in a long time. the connection was clear and strong and almost instant. the connection was strong and deep and opened our sensual sides to each other in a way that hasn't happened in a long time. there wasn't sex per se, but there was sexuality. we talked about sex, talked sexily to each other, enjoyed each others' sexual self. without forcing or trying, i rose to dominate and own her and she gave herself to me, bared her throat to me, completely giving herself to me.
she is my light, my love, my friend. i'm so glad she stayed long enough for me to come out of my funk, my despair, my depression over not having her.
she is my friend. my best friend. and yes, my soulmate.
and i love her.
And damn it, she's been right all along. But I knew that, knew that what she's been saying all along has been right: that we have to enjoy our relationship as it is, make the most of it of where we are now, of what we are and can be to each other right now. There might be more in the future or there might not, but i can't live with that as the reason for my existence, because every day that passes without having it, without having her at least moving closer to me, to that end, i'd ultimately self-destruct. She said to live each day, being the friends to each other that we are, that we have been, that we know we can be. through that we'll grow together, we'll grow closer and we'll be able to get the maximum benefit and enjoyment from the special relationship that we share now.
of course, she's right. and something changed for me after we hung up tuesday evening. i cried when we hung up, as i'd been doing for several weeks. everytime she left me i felt abandoned, alone, hopeless, desolate, empty. when she hung up tuesday, i felt those things, but briefly, perhaps five or ten minutes versus what had been happening before (where i was completely useless, immobile for up to 30 minutes and then a zombie for the rest of the evening). and then... it lifted. i felt her with me, heard her words again and it was suddenly clear, suddenly not made sense, because it did before, but suddenly i ?accepted? the logic of it.
i was upbeat the rest of the night. still a little muted, because i was missing her, but then i miss her every minute we're not together, but ?at peace? almost?
wednesday. wednesday our day together was ?amazing?. it was a day out of our book of "Wonderful Days from our past". We were close, open, comfortable. without the cloud of ?despair? (from me) obscuring our friendship and covering up what we have, we were able to see each other clearly for perhaps the first time in a long time. the connection was clear and strong and almost instant. the connection was strong and deep and opened our sensual sides to each other in a way that hasn't happened in a long time. there wasn't sex per se, but there was sexuality. we talked about sex, talked sexily to each other, enjoyed each others' sexual self. without forcing or trying, i rose to dominate and own her and she gave herself to me, bared her throat to me, completely giving herself to me.
she is my light, my love, my friend. i'm so glad she stayed long enough for me to come out of my funk, my despair, my depression over not having her.
she is my friend. my best friend. and yes, my soulmate.
and i love her.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
