It's again been some time since i've posted (a month!!), and again a lot has happened.

I traveled again and again spent some time in B's area. No, she still hasn't agreed to meet, although I believe she truly wants to. It's strange to be in her area. It's ?powerful? to be close to her. I can -feel- her presence when i'm in her area. It's also incredibly painful knowing that the likelihood, even the opportunity for meeting lessens as each minute ticks by. I want her so much, so badly. I'm not sure I can go to be near her again until and unless she's ready to meet - it's too painful to be so close to her and still be no closer to meeting her.

We've had some incredible talks over the last couple of weeks, talks like we used to have, talks where nothing exists but her, us, where we talk about anything and everything or nothing. The closeness, the bond I feel is indescribeable, it's the essence of our relationship, it is that which is -us-, that which describes how we are to and with each other.

I'm alternately manic about trying to find her and about not wanting to until she calls to me. I've found yet another (possibly coincidental) factoid about her identity. This one, however, is concretely linked to both B and to this other person that I think may actually be her (i'll call this other possible identity S). This leads me to the conclusion that she is this other person. Yet I still can't make myself believe it. To believe it would mean accepting that she's actively lied to me, even when directly asked. Yet the chances of her not being S are slim and continue to grow slimmer. But I just can't accept that B would so directly lie to me. And if she is having to lie to continue to conceal her identity I fear that she'll never open up to me or meet me BECAUSE she's had to lie to me and she doesn't abide lying or liars.

If I could tell one thing, i'd tell her that it doesn't matter ultimately because I do understand the reason. But i'd also want to tell her that there's no reason to lie to me, to continue to hide from me. I love you B - nothing else matters.

As it turns out i'm going to be driving past her area again tomorrow. When we last spoke, last friday, I told her that it was a possibility that I would be doing so. I asked her if it would be a waste of my time for me to drive to her area. She didn't answer me. I take that as neither a yes nor a no. So, I will plot my course to be near her and when we talk in the morning ask if she'll meet me. (Just thinking and typing the words makes my heart pound!)

Will she? I don't know. Of course I hope with everything in me that she says yes. I also know that I must be prepared for another no.