sharing with me? or giving me away?

with the exception of two days' worth of intestinal distress, the weekend wasn't bad. well, as "not bad" as any weekend without her can be. i still missed her as much as any other weekend; maybe it just wasn't as ?crippling? because ... not sure why. because we were closer & better, i guess.

life was good. yesterday, i couldn't wait til this morning so we could talk again. this morning while getting dressed, while driving in, while waiting for her to get in, everything was fine.

until we start talking about... me dating. shes pushing me to do it (because in all honesty, i might never get around to it again). she says she wants me to, that it's something for me to do, to have fun with, "while i'm waiting". she wants to share it, talk about it, enjoy it together.

i agree on all points. she's right, i need to get out.

it just makes me feel like i'm cheating. and that she's pushing me away, foisting me off on someone else to make her life easier. i don't think that's what she's really doing, but it sure feels like it.

in theory, it should be easy. certainly, we've been able to talk about these very same things in the past. something for us to share. a kind of voyeuristic feel to the whole thing. shared conversations we could have about sex, dating, whatever, things that only B and i could share.

in practice, it feels much different. how can i tell her about a possible date when the only one i want to date is her?

fuck.

hope v. reality

hope vs. reality.

i'd pondered reality and decided that -a little bit- of hope was reasonable. it's the last day we can talk before the third anniversary of the first time we talked. the actual liklihood of her being able to us being able to talk on our anniversary, at the right time was never more than miniscule at best.

even so, a little bit of hope seemed warranted. after all, it's a pretty ?significant? event, in my life. i figured the chances were very slim that she'd be able to take the phone home, then get out -anytime- sunday, much less at the right time, and be able to call even just for a minute. but what the heck, ya know? it could happen.

not. bf has a knack for preventing these things.

today he's making her leave early to take a road trip with him. ostensibly for company, but probably so he can keep an eye on her.

so not only no thought of an anniversary call, but no time to talk today.

happy anniversary love.

damn. but it's okay

well, we never have enough time and friday was no exception. and she couldn't take her phone this weekend. at least, i assumed she couldn't; i didn't ask her to and she didn't mention it.

the weekend was surprisingly easy. still empty of her and filled with longing for monday so i could have a little bit of her again, but overall, easier, somehow.

and today she's out sick.

but it's okay. not that she's sick, of course, but, despite irrational fears to the contrary, i'm pretty sure the sun's gonna rise tomorrow. she's probably not gonna get married today either. and more than likely, she'll talk to me tomorrow.

i'm gonna miss her, a lot. her being out today will cost us almost a quarter of the time we'd have to talk this week. time we'll never get back. but she's sick, so if she gets feeling better, it's okay.

limitations

ultimately it's up to me. she's told me time and again and i suppose i've known it all along.

how the rest of my life goes is up to me. i guess everyone's life is that way. the biggest difference is being that most people are free to make their life be exactly what they want it to be, to pursue the life they want the most.

that option's not open to me. like everyone else, i'm free to set and control of much of my life as i choose. except that i'm limited - the best possible future for me is not allowed.

so if i extend every effort, live life to the fullest, take every opportunity to enjoy life - the best i can get is the silver. i didn't make the cut for the gold competition.

period.

yet, even though i have to acknowledge the limits, she's right.

live well, just live or die. my choice. winning isn't an option, only runner up, honorable mention or disqualified.

lemme think about it.

what choices?

no matter which way i turn, i'm faced with a no win situation.

she can't see herself leaving because "i'm here. we have history." and every single day that passes is another day there, another day of history to keep her there.

every time i say anything about how she's there and obviously making her life there and not inclined to leave, she tells me that the more i say things like that the more she accepts and believes them, making it less likely that she would ever leave.

when i see her making no move to move, it hurts me to the quick. my hurt makes her pull back and therefore less likely to move.

i want her to be happy in -all- of her life. yet i know that the more happy she is there, the less likely she is to move.

in engineering, positive feedback loops are bad so negative feedback loops are always used. positive feedback works like this: the more of something you see, the more generate, hence the more you see, etc, until the limits of the system are reached. with negative feedback, you set the system so that when what you see reaches a certain level, you apply negative input to restrict how much you put out. my desire for her is a positive feedback circuit - the more i see/hear/know her, the more i want. get more, want more, ad infinitum.

yet i have no control, no influence, no say. i can do nothing to help achieve the future i want. but anything i do can deter it.

so many thoughts, so much confusion, turmoil, anguish. the simplest things in her life, things that are and should be part of any couples' life, just defeat me.

she won't let us be together, even for a few minutes, and i can't live without her.

the simplest things in her life make me smile.

and can just as easily send me into the depths.

whywhywhy

it's so ?confusing?.

i was so sure that it'd be somehow easier this week. after our talks last week and her touching me over the weekend and how much less stressed or tense i felt.

i'll never get used to her having to leave to go home to him. or the thoughts of things from their past.

fuck.

she's on her way home. try to breathe.

she's going to fix dinner. talk. laugh. sleep. with him.

all the time i've known her. and from now on.

why can't i control this?

new world order

it was just like it had always been before. i'd forgotten how good it felt.

she called me over the weekend.

wow. what a difference it put into my weekend.

a phone call with a friend. yes, it's soooo much more than that (to me) but that's what it boils down to, at its essence.

to say i floated all day would only be a mild exaggeration.

and then, just to make sure i spent the rest of the weekend with a big idiotic grin on my face, she texted me late sunday night.

. such simple things.

that have such an impact....

difficult

i wonder where the guy she used to know and talk to went? he certainly doesn't seem to be around here anymore. or maybe she just doesn't like him anymore.

she's already decided that her physical world is better without me in it. how much longer until she decides that her life is better without me in it at all?

the ex sent me an email over the weekend. truthfully, there was nothing in it i didn't already know but that doesn't make hearing it any easier.

B said it's hard to talk to me. i'm sure; i can be difficult.

difficult. it has so many meanings, applications.

like having the person you love be in love with someone else. being told no 1,038 times in a row. having dreams of her, wondering what she's doing with someone else, without you. knowing that with every year that passes, our age difference makes it even less likely. hearing her consistently say she's unhappy, but not unhappy enough to be with you. knowing that with every day that passes, the status quo is becoming more and more fixed, changes less and less likely. as she's said "i'm -here-. we have history." and more of it, not less, with each passing day.

after dropping my daughter off at college, i had the realization that my child rearing days are over. i'm sure she knows it too. while i've always told B that i would happily father and raise a child with her, if she should so desire (obviously, she'd have to be with -me-, not -him-), i'm sure she's never taken that literally, and even less so now.

she's at an age where a month, or a year, or two years, they're the same thing to her. so she can say "who knows what'll happen in two years?". for me, a year is a big deal. hell, a month is a big deal - when i'm watching her life. every month brings me closer to hearing her tell me she's finally agreed to marry him, or that she's pregnant. or that she's met someone and wants to make him her lover. or that she's done with me.

day 1,078 dawns

such is the inevitability of the rotation of the earth: another day dawns. and another, one after the other.

i know what the last four or five days have brought; what will this one bring? and the next? and the ten thousand or so to come after that?

i know what it won't bring.

she'll be tired today, after having been up late cleaning up after her party last night. she'll be slightly frenzied because of the number of days away from work and she'll feel the pressure of things left untended. she'll be wary of our first contact, unsure how i'll be.

i wonder - what's the ?right? way for me to be, after four long days with no contact, and that after another unmistakeably emphatic "no"?

but i can't wait to hear her voice.

a world away

as i sit and write this, i'm acutely aware of what she's doing. and of how different her life is from mine.

i'm especially aware of where she is and where i am. and where she's not and where i'm not.

she's there, with him, in their perfect life. she's tired right now, but pumped up. tired because she's been preparing for tonights' party for days. i'm sure she spent all day as a whirlwind of activity, making sure that everything was just right, just -so-, for her guests.

for the last four hours she's been the perfect hostess, welcoming their friends into their home, sharing their holiday with them. i can see her, in my minds eye, swirling here and there, eyeing the scene, bringing humor and grace and most of all, her -presence- to the little groups of friends scattered throughout the house, the yard, on the dock.

where is he? is he hovering about her, protectively shielding her from the world (IE, me and any others like me), being the perfect partner to the perfect woman in the perfect life?

of course.

she joked last week about wishing she could invite me to the party.

i wonder if she's even thought about me since then? she said she'd call if she got a chance. why did i hold so tightly to that hope, when i know he doesn't let her out of his sight over the weekends?

to find someone and to be everything they thought they wanted is a powerful feeling, such a validation of one's life and self - "i'm worthy of being loved by someone special".

when they change their mind, it's ... devastating. everything that was at the center of your life and self is yanked away and replaced with .... dark emptiness. i guess not worthy, after all.

raison d' etre?

at the airport heading "home", another trip nearly completed. another chapter of my life finished.

my daughter is settled in at college. like everything else she's done in her life, i'm sure she'll excel at school and everything else she chooses to attack.

I feel like maybe my reason for being has been realized and my life is complete. Unfortunately, i'm not dead or dying so more than likely there are others in the world that I have yet to meet and hurt. My ex, my former family, my daughter and finally, B, have all been unfortunate recipients of the emotional pain that is the wake of my passing through their life.

It seems fitting somehow (a kind of cosmic justice or irony) that my greatest pain is the rejection by the one whom I desire the most. The more I want her, the more I love her, the more I want to make her mine, the more firmly she anchors herself into her life with her partner. why does this surprise me? From the minute we met, she's said she wasn't going to meet.

But over time, as our friendship evolved and grew, as it became something i'd never experienced before, as it became obvious that this, that -she- was the who and the what i'd searched for all my life, I became more and more sure, confident even, that it would be as important, as essential, as obvious to her as it'd become to me that not only would we meet, but that we belonged together.

But love is not a two way street. You can't control who you love. I love her. She loves him. I want to devote my life to her; she to him. Not that I think she's so devoted to him, but she is committed and she's not leaving, won't leave.

Perhaps that's part of my punishment. She had everything she wanted except for friendship and emotional connection. Now she has that too so why should she change her life? As it is she has everything. If she were to come to me she'd be giving up a lot - the house, the boat, the financial freedom, the life she'd always wanted. True, when she's not in the office she doesn't have what she gets from me, but she can get that from me at any time,whenever she wants it.

Our relationship has been (and is) the greatest relationship i've ever had with someone. It's a stellar example of what a friendship and a love can be and it's the kind of thing that most people probably never get the opportunity to experience. It's the best, most honorable thing in my life and it shows clearly (to me, anyway) how the relationship between a man and a woman should be. It should be the cornerstone of an amazing partnership. But its' light also starkly reminds me, every second of every day, that what's missing, what's required to make it (and me) complete is missing, is given instead to him. those things, her touch, her presence, her heart, -her-, are not and will not be mine. it's so ironic that just the knowledge of something so extraordinary would also highlight the absence of it in your life.

what value knowledge?

If I knew for a fact she was who I thought and not who she said, what could such knowledge do for me?

It wouldn't make her want to meet me, that's for sure. If anything, it'd probably make her more anxious and want to pull further away from me.

It wouldn't make her want to be with him less or me more. If anything, just the opposite.

sadly, such knowledge, like the apple of knowledge that eve bit into so innocently, would only sadden me.

of course he does

Her hair shines like fire, redder than I thought it'd be. I love it, of course. She's taller than I imagined, too. I wonder if her skin is softer than i've imagined? Could her kiss be even sweeter than i've imagined?

Could her embrace possibly be any more all-consuming than I imagine it to be?

I've been as close to her as i'm ever gonna be, so i'll never know.

If I asked -him- I wonder what his response would be? I wonder if he loves her, reveres her, cherishes her as much as I do?

Of course he does; who wouldn't?