She's back and I'm happy again

B is back from her trip and we had a good talk yesterday afternoon.

Life is good again.

It amazes me how even when she tells me that she hasn't made any decisions about her life, that she's not leaving or even thinking about leaving bf, that she still won't meet me, that there's no "us" in the foreseeable (or possibly -any-) future, that she can still leave me feeling better about myself and like maybe I really will be able to make it through this next chapter in my life. Make no mistake though, it still sends my heart tumbling over the edge of the abyss when she tells me that we're no closer to meeting, that she can't be with me.

Is that what friends are? This actually came up in our talks yesterday - that part of my ?problem? is that she not only do I want her as a lover and a partner, but she really is my best friend. I should be as good a friend to her. I try, but I don't have the strength or the fortitude to put my feelings aside all the time, like she can. I admire her for that - it's a quality that says that she can always be a friend, a true friend, without her feelings clouding her objectivity. Of course, that same quality causes me grief too, because at other times she can completely set her feelings aside and it leaves me feeling cold and alone.

This is the end of my life. This is the beginning of my life. For my life to have ever had any meaning, for the hurt I've caused all those around me to have not been completely in vain, I have to live my life out being the person I'd like to be instead of being the person I am. Being who I am is too easy. Not satisfying, but so easy. I know I have to work, constantly, to push myself out of my comfort zone, to stretch my limits.

I think it'd be so easy (becoming the me I want to be) if B and I were together. I know that sounds simplistic, but it's true. There's so much life in her that it infuses those lucky enough to be around her. So much of the things that trouble me now would be non-issues with her around me, that working on the other things would be so much less daunting. Geez, as I reread that it sounds so... ?silly?, yet inside it feels true. Even now, I feel like I'm a better person when I'm "with" her. You can't help but be better.

I feel like she's reaching out to me.

I have to be careful that when I put my hand out to her that I don't push her away. I can be pretty damn clumsy.

Another night, another day

Another night, another day. Last night was not a good night. But then, yesterday was not a good day, so, no surprise. I wrote a long letter to B. You'd think I was trying to talk myself out of her life, because I detailed all the reasons I don't fit into her life.

B's been away for 7 days. Bf has probably been with her 5 of those days. Even though she's been in fairly constant company of others, is it really too much to think that she could have found three minutes to call and say hi? If I'm really important to her, wouldn't she have made the time somehow, somewhere? A payphone in a ladies' room perhaps? A quick stop at a payphone while driving alone somewhere? On the other hand, this has probably been a stressful time for her, so perhaps it's unfair and selfish of me to presume that I would be on her mind.

She should be back in the office tomorrow. I know her state of mind upon returning will be harried - she'll feel a weeks' worth of things yelling out to her, demanding her attention. I wonder where I'll be on her to do list? Near the top, among the first things, something she wants to get to right away? Or will I be farther down, gotten to much later in the day after the important things have been taken care of? Even though this bears importance to me, I know it doesn't necessarily indicate her mind set; she's focused and driven and dedicated and it's entirely possible that she'd get into the office get so wrapped up in catching up that she might not call till late in the day... by which time I'll be a fucking basket case.

In my fantasy world, when she returns she'd tell me how much she missed me, missed being able to talk, how much she wanted to call but never got a chance. Since it's my fantasy, she'd also tell me that she's given it a lot of thought and she wants to meet now. She'd ask me to drive to her so we could spend some time together. Hell, since it's my fantasy, she'd ask me to stay around for a week or so so we could spend lots of time together, really get to know each other in the flesh. We'd discover that the intimate connection between us is even stronger than we think and we'd wind up as lovers.

I don't see that happening though. What'll probably happen is that I'll overwhelm her with attention, that she'll feel my neediness for her and pull back from it. She'll want to, need to just "be" for a while, not try to jump back to "there", to the closeness that I want and need. But I'll overpower her, which'll push her away, which'll make me even more empty and increase my need to connect with her... a vicious cycle.

There's something else that's been nagging at me. We were recently talking about cell phones and she told me what she has. It's a camera phone. She's had it for at least six months. Why would she not snap a pic of herself for me, when she knows what that'd mean to me? She says she hates webcams and the like because of the poor quality and the geekiness of it. But still... one picture? For a long time I've wanted her to go get a photo taken at a drugstore. A simple picture, nothing to reveal details of her life or location, just a single, simple picture. I just want a picture that I know she took just for me of her smiling at me, all just for me. I can't get her to do it, although she says she thinks about it and wants to do it. Why won't she? What harm would it do? What would I see that she doesn't want me to see?

Trying to see the future

I'll admit it - there is a little bit of positive expectancy about my future. There are huge changes coming which should enable me to do the things I want to do, the explore the way I am, who I am. These things are, after all, the reasons for leaving my marriage.

Yet I'd be lying if I said that I'm positive and excited about the future. I'm scared. Very scared actually. I can remember saying a long time ago (seems like it was a long time ago, anyway) that "I didn't want to get to the end [of my life] and say 'geez, I wish I'd have done _____'." I can remember telling B that there were two possibilities for the rest of my life. Either a) I'd take control, make changes, explore, learn, experience the things that life has to offer, really drink it up, push myself to get out, to do, to stretch my boundaries, or b) I'd shy away, shrink back into myself and live out my life essentially the same person I am now, except alone.

Wouldn't it be a waste to hurt so many people and then to just continue being the same person I am? But do I have the gumption to make the changes I need to make?

And what of B? Four days out of touch and at least two more to go, and with the other things (previous posts) I'm feeling really pessimistic. I feel like the chances of having her in my life, beyond the way she is now, are low...very low. I've been trying to look at the whole situation as objectively as I can and I'm just not a likely choice for her.

That alone is enough to sink any ship of dreams.

As the world turns

You know how in movies sometimes you see someone who's mortally wounded or terminally ill and as the last few minutes of their lives tick by they're so calm, serene almost? I've always wondered how they could be so accepting of their impending demise.

Anyway, that's not the point. I've also wondered what it must be like to feel everything coming to an end, to know that beyond some point in time in the very near future, that there's nothing else? To know that everything that was will be gone, no more. To know that everything that they were, who they were, all they did, everything about them would be gone, just cease to be.

I think I'm starting to know that feeling.

A question of faith

I don't know why I did it.

I wish I hadn't.

In our relationship, there's always been this question about identity - hers. She's resisted disclosing much in the way of personal information so she could maintain control of her privacy. Understandable. I've always thought women should be extra careful on the internet.

I may be naive, but I've never tried to conceal my identity from B. From the beginning, she's had my work, cell and home phone numbers, my addresses, everything. I've given her pictures of myself and of current events in my life.

Throughout our relationship I've collected little bits and pieces about her that she'd divulge. A large part of my profession is problem solving - figuring things out. So this was another challenging puzzle, one that held special interest for me because she was the object of it. There've been times when I've doubted that her name is what she's told me and she's always been very hurt that I thought she was lying to me.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I really care if her name is X or Y. It's not her name or her identity that is important to me, it's the mind, the personality, the woman behind the name. I like her, love her. Yes it bothers me some that after this amount of time, after our relationship has grown so deep and so intimate, after everything we've become to each other that she still doesn't ?trust? me enough to be completely open with me.

Through our conversations and what I've picked up, there's a particular woman who I believed was really B, even though she denied it. There are a number of coincidental simularities that could easily lead one to believe the same thing. B has always denied that it's her.

As of today, B had to go on travel for several days. Turns out the other woman is also out of the office, as of today, for the same amount of time and for the same reason.

Could this be yet another amazing coincidence? Yes, it could. Is it likely, especially given the long string of other coincidental items? I don't know.

I think the real question for me is "Do I care?". What if this is B? Does it change the way I feel about her? The honest answer is no. Again, I love -B-, not her name. Yes, I'll be hurt that she's lied to me all this time, even when directly asked. Many months ago I gave her an "amnesty day" and asked if there was -anything- she'd lied to me about that she wanted to come clean on. She said no. I've wondered many times if perhaps she'd hidden her identity from the beginning, as would have been prudent, then when our relationship unexpectedly became more, if maybe she didn't feel trapped by the lies, like she couldn't come clean without being ?embarrassed? or whatever. She's always treated lying as a serious offence, so I can see why she might feel trapped.

So again - "Do I care?". And again, my answer is no. Logic might say that if this has been a lie then what about the rest of our relationship? Does she really feel toward me like she says she does? Does she want the things that I want, that we've discovered together that we both want? Is there really the strife and troubles in her home life, between her and bf that she tells me? But my heart dismisses that theory. There is no way, absolutely NO WAY that the friendship, the like, the love, the emotion that is between us is anything other than genuine. These things, felt like they are between us, cannot be faked.

So again - "Do I care?". No. Whether her name is X or Y or Mergatroid doesn't matter. Do I want to know? Of course I do. But this, whether true or not, does not change how I feel about her in the least.

The only bad thing is that it'll be days until I get to talk to her again. Days for this to sit inside me and eat away at me.

I wish I hadn't done it.

Matter, Anti-Matter

The best laid plans of mice and men.. and all that crap.

Just got back from several days of travel during which time B and I had some great talks. We, well I, had hopes we'd meet, but that's not to be, yet. Got back today, feeling full of hope and optimism for the future, thinking that this week we'd have lots of time for conversation and renewal.

BZZZT!! But thank you for playing...

Something serious happened in her world and she's going to be gone for at least a week, possibly 10 days or more. Of course, bf is going with her, so there'll be exactly, um NO chance we'll be able to talk, -at all- during that time.

My employment here is coming to an end in a matter of days.

My divorce is nearly final.

On the only plus side, there'll be a minor milestone in a hobby of mine, which I'd hoped to be able to share with her. But now I can't.

We had some letters we've been trying to read together for almost two weeks. Those'll fade out of memory too.

So instead of a couple of weeks of easy, relaxed conversation, we'll get -nothing-. Nothing. And truthfully, I've been trying not to look at the confluence of events going coming together in the next few weeks. I knew I was counting on her being here and being available for support. I just didn't realize how much I was counting on that until I now look at the very near future and I'm realizing that I have to do it on my own and the sinking fear, the sense of trying to tread water with all these weights tied to my feet comes full blown over me. I can feel the panic rising. And the despair settling.

It's so funny to think back just a few hours on my last post and on how resolved I felt and sounded that I wouldn't be needy, wouldn't keep putting my needs, my crap into the center of our conversations. Doesn't matter whether or not I have the strength to keep that resolution now - she won't be available anyway.

Maybe it's better. I pull strength from her all the time, even when she doesn't know it. Just knowing that she's there and cares about me gives me strength. It'll give me strength during this time too... but she's going to be gone for such a long period, a period filled with so many huge -things-.

Maybe this is cosmic revenge, karma coming back to me for payback. For all the time I've known B, the things that are happening soon have been on the horizon. Now they're here, all of them and all at the same time. And all at a time when B won't be available. It's like a cosmic joke, a kharmic "got ya!" as payback for all the pain I've caused other people over this period.

Maybe it's a test - if I can make it through this combination of events, I should be able to make it through almost anything, shouldn't I? Making it through this alive even with B seemed barely doable. It's seemingly impossible without her.

And just to throw that last little bit of gasoline on the wildfire, she'll be gone for up to two weeks of time, a very emotional time for all involved, where her and bf will be in close quarters, in an emotionally charged atmosphere. Two weeks - no distraction of me and in an emotionally charged environment with bf. There'll be so much going on, with absolutely no reminders of me or us or this friendship, what'll happen when she returns home?

I should look on the bright side. . I bet I lose some weight.

Trying hard

Back from my travels. Overall not a bad trip - except she still hasn't consented to seeing me.

We had good talks on Thursday and Friday and again on Monday. As much as I hate, HATE leaving her for the weekend, we've been so good lately that it wasn't as painful as usual. Of course, it also helped that she sent me an email Friday afternoon, out of the blue, just to say hi and to (I'm going to say) touch me for the weekend. Of course, it doesn't hurt that she wrote

"You're in my heart and in my mind - always."

I'd hoped that even though she'd declined to see me Thursday or Friday that after thinking about it over the weekend (I asked her to please consider it over the weekend) that maybe she'd change her mind. I'm still not sure why it is that I think that anything I do will influence her. When she's ready (if) she'll say so. I know that just as surely as she does - so why do I continue to ask? I'm not sure. I can't do anything to influence it.

It's been good - we've been good. The undercurrents in our conversations are strong, like before. It feels good to get back to being able to talk, really talk. The secret of course is what she's said all along - "don't force it".

She's always right (argh!). And I'm starting to see that she always tells me what to do to make us better - it's just that she doesn't often say it directly and I don't see it for what it is, think it's not the answer to the question I asked and therefore don't apply it. You'd think I'd learn. Maybe I am, finally.

I'm glad she's back. It's good to have my friend back. I've missed her. So very much. I'm so happy she's back.

How?

How can I explain how it feels to hear her like she was this afternoon? She was up and lively and vivacious and laughing and just... her. Exactly like she should be and always was - before. It's impossible, without sounding cliche' or using just overly exaggerated hyperbole to explain how she makes me feel, how it makes me feel to hear her so up. How good it feels just to have her attention just for a few short minutes.

I can't tell her how good this makes me feel. Nor can I tell her how upset I am when she tells me that she isn't sleeping or that she (or they) had a bad night. It matters to me how she feels and what she's thinking about, where her head is, what her emotional state is. It's important to me. When she laughs, I can hear her face light up. When she's focused, I can hear the intensity in her voice. When she's distant from me, I can hear and feel and taste and smell it and feel the crushing weight of her distance.

Ok.. I was wrong.

Yesterday with B was pretty good. It'd been a long three days without talking to her (I was -sure- she would find a way to call on Friday.... but I was wrong). We had a good day, good chats and good talk, although not much. She was suffering from a severe headache, which worsened throughout the day.

When it got close to our normal time to talk, I was getting anxious, as I always do, eager to talk, to spend some time with her. Then outta the blue she says she's leaving soon. WHAT!!???! She said she wasn't doing well, feeling really bad.

I wait, patiently. Okay, maybe not so patiently, but I don't bug her. Twenty minutes go by. She says she's wrapping things up. Twenty more minutes. Still she can't (or won't) talk. Finally she calls. I'm stammering, trying to ask why she couldn't call earlier, yet knowing that she didn't feel good and I should just accept whatever time she'll give me.

My problem - we often talk while she's finishing up. The conversation's slow, but at least we're talking. Why couldn't we talk during that time, eve if she didn't feel good? I was confused, hurt, feeling rejected. Beside myself.

And all the time I knew I was being a jerk. SHE DIDN'T FEEL GOOD! Fuck me... why would I continue to push for my needs, be upset because I wasn't getting what I wanted, when the woman I love is in pain? FUCK. Fuck. Fuck. Am I always this selfish and self-centered? No wonder she won't meet me.

Speaking of which, my travel is coming up. I'm going to ask her, again, as I always do, if she'll meet me. I'm always so hopeful. When things have been good, like they've been (yesterday notwithstanding), I always feel this growing spring of hope deep within.. maybe this time she'll meet me, just for lunch. Maybe she'll change her mind and want to see me. Maybe. Maybe. Just maybe. And then I start to feel this counterbalancing sink hole of doubt and despair also opening up. I know there's no reason she'd consent to meet me this time - things haven't changed with her at home and with bf. She's still there. But maybe she will. I try not to let the disappointment I'll feel when she says no overwhelm me. I'll start to feel the tension growing that I know I'll feel when I'm so close to her (within a few hours) for 5 days. So close, yet she'll still be so far out of reach. It seems such a simple thing - to meet for lunch. Of course that's not what it's all about. Just to meet her, see her, have her for a few minutes. To be able to talk to her, hear her laugh, see her with my own eyes.... to make her real. Funny though - I still have this fear that when we do finally meet that she'll be disappointed, won't like how I look, won't like -me- in person.

Mid-day update:
In yet another demonstration of my impeccably bad timing, and another illustration of my over-eagerness or over-anxiousness regarding B, I blurted out the question. At the end of a short lunchtime conversation during which we were neither close nor far apart, I just had to say to her "Will you think about meeting me for lunch Thursday?". When she said "Yeah, I'll think about it", the tone of her voice told me immediately that her answer was no. Not only no, but she was clearly annoyed about me asking. I asked her about it and she said she wasn't in a good frame of mind right now. So, fucking wonderful. Because I couldn't wait until we had talked for a while and reconnected, I've probably blown it for this trip.

What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't read her before I say or do something stupid?

And what the fuck is wrong with me that she won't or can't bring herself to meet me?

Another week, II

And so another week starts. The last few have been good, great actually. Well, not "finished" great, but "getting better" great. B and I have been close, talking a lot, re-discovering each other a lot.

It's been good; long overdue.

It was a long weekend though, another damn 3 day weekend - 3 days without her. She didn't work Friday, so we haven't spoken since Thursday evening. I'd hoped she'd find a way to call on Friday but she didn't, or couldn't. Of course I still hope she'll find a way to call on the weekend, even just a quick hi. She called once, about 3 weeks ago, late on a Saturday afternoon. I knew it had to be her when I saw the area code on the caller id. I answered (2nd ring) but she wasn't there. I redialed the number - I was positive it was her and from a payphone - but no answer. DAMN! When we talked the following Monday she told me it was her but she'd hung up because she didn't want the area code to show up on my phone bill. Anyway, so now I wait for her today. She could be, should be, in the office by now, probably even got in early since she wasn't in the office Friday. I hate waiting for her but love it when she calls.

I'll be traveling soon and within easy driving distance of B. I'll ask her, again, if she'll meet me. She probably won't ... but she might. I know in my heart she wants to, perhaps as much as I want it. Will she say yes this time?