i know when my life started - july 23rd, 2003.
that was the first day that my baby and i talked. and we've spent literally thousands of hours talking since.
and then there were dates when i thought my life would begin.... the first was my birthday, 2008. that was our first target date for when we'd be together. shit happened. the next target was her birthday. more shit happened. then again it was my birthday, 2009. yet more shit.
so then the goal started being less grandiose and more down to earth - how about just -seeing- each other again? easy enough goal, right? first was a weekend in march this year. then memorial day. then the fourth. then her birthday.
YAY!!! we accomplished her birthday!!!!
other than that, mrs. lincoln, how was the theatre?
her birthday this year was in fact a major event/milestone. it was supposed to have been the groundbreaking event that freshened us, realigned us, put us on the fast track to finally being together.
not so much.
what it did was apparently quite the opposite. for her, at least. having had that one visit, her appetite is sated. where originally she saw visits, once they started, occuring every 2 or 3 weeks and continuing through possibly 6 visits until we were finally together... now it would seem that that single visit last week was more than enough for her. i should have known beforehand, because earlier last week, her preferred visit frequency went from "every 2-3 weeks" to "4 weeks or so". and this week, there's not even any future visits in the works.
what we do know is that -us- won't happen this year. and it won't happen in the first three months of next year.
mother fucking g-d damn it, i hate being right.
for the last few weeks, i felt my time in hell was drawing to a close, that my sentence was going to be commuted.
instead, my appeal was rejected. the govenor turned down the appeal for pardon.
the death sentence stands.
there are very, very few people who know when they will die. death row convicts, suiciders and Blade Runner replicants are pretty much it. sure, as the last few seconds of your life tick by you know it's gonna end -soon-... but as far as advance notice? hardly anyone gets that.
20091231235958. elapsed time: 51 years, 9 months, 7 days. 1,633,910,400 seconds.
18,910. eighteen thousand nine hundred and ten days.
2,353. two thousand three hundred and fifty three days of knowing her. 6.44 years. i've known and loved her for 12% of my life. roughly two hundred and three million seconds of knowing her. 203,323,018. give or take.
of those 2,353 days, i was fortunate enough to spend somewhere around 60 hours in her physical presence. 60 hours out of the 56,472 hours that we knew each other. 1/10th of 1% of our time was actually spent -together-.
799. seven hundred and ninety nine days since the -first- time my actions tore us apart and demolished her heart. and our future.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days of knowing, loving, enjoying my baby. until the day i started destroying her and us.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days trying to woo her, to win her heart, to pull her away from the man and the life she said she didn't want.
97. ninety seven days remaining. that just struck me as pretty fucking funny... for weeks i've been POSITIVE that there were less than 100 days until we were together. looks like the 100 days was in fact a valid timeframe.... just not for the event that i thought it would be...
and then?
an infinite number of days just like the last eighteen thousand nine hundred: days of not having her, not being with her. but at least the pain will stop.
i wonder if she'll remember me? in two or five or twenty years, do you think she'll remember me? or our time, even though we didn't spend it together? if she does remember me or our time, will it be a good memory? a bad memory? or just some distant thing that happened in the past?
Friday, September 25, 2009
how to tell when things haven't gone according to plan
can't see the forest for the trees
now that's a true statement; sometimes you're just too close to something to be able to see it. especially when it's something of critical importance to your life... or something you've been waiting a long, long time for.
so, for those of you who, like me, are sometimes a little dense when it comes to figuring things out, here's some helpful hints.
when the two of you have what should be a life-changing event and then a week passes and she hasn't even mentioned the event? that's not a good sign.
when she says on friday that on monday she will tell you the date of the next time you can see her and a whole week goes by with a) absolutely no mention of a next visit, b) complete avoidance of the entire topic of seeing her again and c) it turns out that the last visit was actually the most relationship-detrimental event in recent history.... it's not a good thing.
the way this week should have gone is that on monday we should've been giddily discussing the visit and eagerly laying out a schedule for the next few visits. we should've been doing that because after the initial visit it should've been just a matter of weeks until we were actually together. i should've bought another airline ticket monday night. should've told my boss that i needed next thursday and friday off. should've been walking on cloud 9 all week.
instead? the week brought nearly complete silence from her on all things related to the visit, any future visits and on anything about her and i being together. eventually it was brought out that to her (and subsequently to me) the absolute worst thing that could possibly have come out of our visit last week was exactly what she took from it. instead of wanting more and wanting to get closer and wanting our time apart to end? instead she can't even contemplate another visit. we've gone from "at least 3" visits before she leaves him to not even talking about any more visits. we've gone from "end of year" as a very likely timeframe for us actually moving in together to knowing that in six months we'll still be exactly where we are... her with her husband, me here alone. (actually by then i'll probably be in another job in another state.. assuming i'm still around, but that's for another post).
when you have an event that should be positive and life changing and the event passes and there's absolute silence about the event... and the mental framework changes from days to months... and everything that you feared could possibly have gone wrong, has....
things haven't gone according to plan
now that's a true statement; sometimes you're just too close to something to be able to see it. especially when it's something of critical importance to your life... or something you've been waiting a long, long time for.
so, for those of you who, like me, are sometimes a little dense when it comes to figuring things out, here's some helpful hints.
when the two of you have what should be a life-changing event and then a week passes and she hasn't even mentioned the event? that's not a good sign.
when she says on friday that on monday she will tell you the date of the next time you can see her and a whole week goes by with a) absolutely no mention of a next visit, b) complete avoidance of the entire topic of seeing her again and c) it turns out that the last visit was actually the most relationship-detrimental event in recent history.... it's not a good thing.
the way this week should have gone is that on monday we should've been giddily discussing the visit and eagerly laying out a schedule for the next few visits. we should've been doing that because after the initial visit it should've been just a matter of weeks until we were actually together. i should've bought another airline ticket monday night. should've told my boss that i needed next thursday and friday off. should've been walking on cloud 9 all week.
instead? the week brought nearly complete silence from her on all things related to the visit, any future visits and on anything about her and i being together. eventually it was brought out that to her (and subsequently to me) the absolute worst thing that could possibly have come out of our visit last week was exactly what she took from it. instead of wanting more and wanting to get closer and wanting our time apart to end? instead she can't even contemplate another visit. we've gone from "at least 3" visits before she leaves him to not even talking about any more visits. we've gone from "end of year" as a very likely timeframe for us actually moving in together to knowing that in six months we'll still be exactly where we are... her with her husband, me here alone. (actually by then i'll probably be in another job in another state.. assuming i'm still around, but that's for another post).
when you have an event that should be positive and life changing and the event passes and there's absolute silence about the event... and the mental framework changes from days to months... and everything that you feared could possibly have gone wrong, has....
things haven't gone according to plan
time
i am notoriously pessimistic. except when it comes to her.
we had a visit last week. the first in ten months. she told me to be prepared because it wasn't gonna be all fun and games. in other words, not at all how i expected it to go.
i expected it to start as it did; her reserved, guarded, closed off. and i expected the joy of seeing me (yeah, i know.. sounds ridiculous to me too) would crumble her walls, bring her running into my arms, have her bending over begging me to fuck her.
yeah. i know.
no matter how it actually went, the visit was supposed to accomplish one main goal - get us closer, get us started, send us on our way to getting together.
the one thing i didn't expect was that a visit would set us back. instead of doing what it absolutely should have done, bring us closer to being together, it did exactly the opposite.
she's less inclined now than ever to have another visit. the state of our love relationship has actually been hurt, set back many, many months. going there to see her, or more accurately, for her to see me, has pushed the starting of us getting together even farther into the future.
in what has to be the most unbelieveable and unimaginable scenario possible, us spending time together is actually bad for us. i've tried many times to argue with her that more time apart is not something that makes us closer. but she's not having any of that. in her mind, the more time we spend apart, the closer we are. so maybe the visit was actually successful in that now we get to spend even -more- time apart! isn't that great! it'll be so good for our relationship. just like all the other months and years spent apart have been so good for our relationship.
a couple weeks ago i wrote that i felt we were so close to actually being together that the date was less than 100 days in the future. that's a manageable number, one that you can hold in your mind, in it's entirety, and see a beginning and an end to. each day that passes can be ticked off and its' time removed from the time remaining: 99, tick. 98, tick. 97, tick.
no so any more.
she told me yesterday that it's not likely that we'll be together this year. whoosh - there goes the concept of having a finite amount of time left to wait. she'll never give an actual time, of course. never has, never will, as that would tie her down to something and cut out the wiggle room. but during conversation it pretty much came out that the timeframe that i posted about several weeks or months ago is in fact about accurate.
and somehow, i'm supposed to be happy about this. she is, after all.
so way back when i said that if we weren't together by halloween that we wouldn't have another opportunity to be together until after my birthday in march. why? after halloween is the holiday season. thanksgiving, xmas, new years - and she -couldn't- leave him during the holidays, because that would be mean and hurt -his- feelings.
which brings us to mid-january. she can't leave him then because that's only a month before their (2nd) anniversary, because that would make -him- feel bad. and of course, you've got to have a sufficient buffer of time after that, lest -he- feel bad.
which brings us to late march, my birthday. i'm not sure yet why march won't work, but i'm sure that by january, we'll have a perfectly valid reason to delay getting together even longer.
so.
we go from a FINITE, manageable, survivable 3 months to a not-less-than-6-months-and-that's-just-the-starting-point. from finally having an amount of time that you could hold in your hand, point to on the calendar and actually wrap your head around as having an -ending- date, back to the infinite, unknown, unknowable "sometime in the future".
what we do know is that it won't be less than six months. what we don't know is what unit of time she's measuring in - months? quarters? years?
so instead of counting down the days to being together, it's time to go back to counting the seasons. another summer over, here comes fall. another fall over, here comes winter. another winter over, here comes spring. summer, fall, winter, spring. summer, fall, winter, spring.
repeat as not necessary.
we had a visit last week. the first in ten months. she told me to be prepared because it wasn't gonna be all fun and games. in other words, not at all how i expected it to go.
i expected it to start as it did; her reserved, guarded, closed off. and i expected the joy of seeing me (yeah, i know.. sounds ridiculous to me too) would crumble her walls, bring her running into my arms, have her bending over begging me to fuck her.
yeah. i know.
no matter how it actually went, the visit was supposed to accomplish one main goal - get us closer, get us started, send us on our way to getting together.
the one thing i didn't expect was that a visit would set us back. instead of doing what it absolutely should have done, bring us closer to being together, it did exactly the opposite.
she's less inclined now than ever to have another visit. the state of our love relationship has actually been hurt, set back many, many months. going there to see her, or more accurately, for her to see me, has pushed the starting of us getting together even farther into the future.
in what has to be the most unbelieveable and unimaginable scenario possible, us spending time together is actually bad for us. i've tried many times to argue with her that more time apart is not something that makes us closer. but she's not having any of that. in her mind, the more time we spend apart, the closer we are. so maybe the visit was actually successful in that now we get to spend even -more- time apart! isn't that great! it'll be so good for our relationship. just like all the other months and years spent apart have been so good for our relationship.
a couple weeks ago i wrote that i felt we were so close to actually being together that the date was less than 100 days in the future. that's a manageable number, one that you can hold in your mind, in it's entirety, and see a beginning and an end to. each day that passes can be ticked off and its' time removed from the time remaining: 99, tick. 98, tick. 97, tick.
no so any more.
she told me yesterday that it's not likely that we'll be together this year. whoosh - there goes the concept of having a finite amount of time left to wait. she'll never give an actual time, of course. never has, never will, as that would tie her down to something and cut out the wiggle room. but during conversation it pretty much came out that the timeframe that i posted about several weeks or months ago is in fact about accurate.
and somehow, i'm supposed to be happy about this. she is, after all.
so way back when i said that if we weren't together by halloween that we wouldn't have another opportunity to be together until after my birthday in march. why? after halloween is the holiday season. thanksgiving, xmas, new years - and she -couldn't- leave him during the holidays, because that would be mean and hurt -his- feelings.
which brings us to mid-january. she can't leave him then because that's only a month before their (2nd) anniversary, because that would make -him- feel bad. and of course, you've got to have a sufficient buffer of time after that, lest -he- feel bad.
which brings us to late march, my birthday. i'm not sure yet why march won't work, but i'm sure that by january, we'll have a perfectly valid reason to delay getting together even longer.
so.
we go from a FINITE, manageable, survivable 3 months to a not-less-than-6-months-and-that's-just-the-starting-point. from finally having an amount of time that you could hold in your hand, point to on the calendar and actually wrap your head around as having an -ending- date, back to the infinite, unknown, unknowable "sometime in the future".
what we do know is that it won't be less than six months. what we don't know is what unit of time she's measuring in - months? quarters? years?
so instead of counting down the days to being together, it's time to go back to counting the seasons. another summer over, here comes fall. another fall over, here comes winter. another winter over, here comes spring. summer, fall, winter, spring. summer, fall, winter, spring.
repeat as not necessary.
Friday, September 18, 2009
what i didn't do on my summer vacation
admittedly, there were many things i -hoped- i'd get to do on my vacation.
i'd hoped to win her heart back. hoped to hold her. hoped to convince her that there would never be a better time than TODAY to leave bf/hubby and start our life together. hoped we'd fuck. hoped we'd start making plans for us.
then, there were things that i actually expected would happen: that we'd see each other, that we'd kiss, that it would be tentative, short and that she WOULD NOT be leaving with me.
there's also three, maybe four things that i'd REALLY, REALLY hoped she would make (let?) happen, no matter how difficult just being close to me was, simply because, well, they're fucking important. or, they are to me, anyway and by extension, to her.
we've had a few "ceremonies" or "rituals" (neither of those feel like the right word) in the last few months. we've exchanged commitment rings. she's accepted and is wearing my cuff on her wrist, as a sign of ownership, 24/7. i've sent her and she's worn a couple times, my collar and a dog tag.
remember, this is the first time we've seen each other in ten months. so all the above happened remotely.
what that means is, -i- put her ring on my finger. she put my ring on hers. -she- fastened my slave cuff on her wrist. -she- buckled my collar around her neck.
she's about as romantic as i am (ie, a lot!) and feels the same sense of ?importance? in how things are done. especially things like i've just listed. so even though no words were spoken about them, i had a feeling that -she'd- want to "properly complete" our ceremonies. so i envisioned her handing me the ring i sent her... me getting on my knee and asking her to please spend her life with me as my wife, and then -i- would put my ring on her.
i saw her wanting to do the same thing with the ring she gave me...
and i also envisioned her removing my cuff (with permission, of course) and giving it, no, handing it back to me. i'm not sure if i saw her on her knees or not... probably not... but I did see her giving me her wrist so i could put the cuff of my ownership on her, myself. while it may seem a ?trivial? detail, it's really not, as the act of doing, and doing it "properly", lends a sense of decorum to the whole ceremony.
and i admit, i also had visions of her kneeling in front of me, holding her hair aside and extending her neck to me for me to put my collar on her, thereby taking ownership of her completely. after which she'd bend over, offer me her ass and then she'd be -completely- my property.
maybe next time.
i'd hoped to win her heart back. hoped to hold her. hoped to convince her that there would never be a better time than TODAY to leave bf/hubby and start our life together. hoped we'd fuck. hoped we'd start making plans for us.
then, there were things that i actually expected would happen: that we'd see each other, that we'd kiss, that it would be tentative, short and that she WOULD NOT be leaving with me.
there's also three, maybe four things that i'd REALLY, REALLY hoped she would make (let?) happen, no matter how difficult just being close to me was, simply because, well, they're fucking important. or, they are to me, anyway and by extension, to her.
we've had a few "ceremonies" or "rituals" (neither of those feel like the right word) in the last few months. we've exchanged commitment rings. she's accepted and is wearing my cuff on her wrist, as a sign of ownership, 24/7. i've sent her and she's worn a couple times, my collar and a dog tag.
remember, this is the first time we've seen each other in ten months. so all the above happened remotely.
what that means is, -i- put her ring on my finger. she put my ring on hers. -she- fastened my slave cuff on her wrist. -she- buckled my collar around her neck.
she's about as romantic as i am (ie, a lot!) and feels the same sense of ?importance? in how things are done. especially things like i've just listed. so even though no words were spoken about them, i had a feeling that -she'd- want to "properly complete" our ceremonies. so i envisioned her handing me the ring i sent her... me getting on my knee and asking her to please spend her life with me as my wife, and then -i- would put my ring on her.
i saw her wanting to do the same thing with the ring she gave me...
and i also envisioned her removing my cuff (with permission, of course) and giving it, no, handing it back to me. i'm not sure if i saw her on her knees or not... probably not... but I did see her giving me her wrist so i could put the cuff of my ownership on her, myself. while it may seem a ?trivial? detail, it's really not, as the act of doing, and doing it "properly", lends a sense of decorum to the whole ceremony.
and i admit, i also had visions of her kneeling in front of me, holding her hair aside and extending her neck to me for me to put my collar on her, thereby taking ownership of her completely. after which she'd bend over, offer me her ass and then she'd be -completely- my property.
maybe next time.
expectations
how is it that we let our expectations get so completely out of hand? and i mean out of hand to the point that there's no fucking way that expectation could possibly fit into the real world around us.
i'm not sure if this would be considered delusion or just being overly optimistic or if it's just me being absolutely conceited. in all the time leading up to this visit with my baby, we've had very different visions of how it would go. she saw it as it basically was - imagine a restraining order with a 50' "stay clear" zone.
surprisingly (yeah ;-) ), i had a completely different view of how things might go. i was POSITIVE that once we were in the same place again, she'd warm up. i really did. i imagined that seeing me would change her, loosen her, make her -want-. not that i'm such a draw, but just the whole thing that we share and my positiveness that being close would draw her close, so in my mind, it's definitely NOT me being conceited. i think i assumed she would react the way i would if our places were reversed.
no so much.
but on the bright side ("bright side" being kind of equivalent to finally having enough deaths from a plague to finally figure out a vaccine), i think it gave us both a crystal clear view of just how much she really can't stand to be near me. i've been downplaying what she's been telling me all these months because i mean really, it's pretty hard to come to terms with realizing that your love -really, really- can't stand the thought of being within visual distance of you. i won't downplay what she tells me anymore.
anyway, there was a point i was trying to get to, but all the above is kinda blurring my mind right now...
i'm not sure if this would be considered delusion or just being overly optimistic or if it's just me being absolutely conceited. in all the time leading up to this visit with my baby, we've had very different visions of how it would go. she saw it as it basically was - imagine a restraining order with a 50' "stay clear" zone.
surprisingly (yeah ;-) ), i had a completely different view of how things might go. i was POSITIVE that once we were in the same place again, she'd warm up. i really did. i imagined that seeing me would change her, loosen her, make her -want-. not that i'm such a draw, but just the whole thing that we share and my positiveness that being close would draw her close, so in my mind, it's definitely NOT me being conceited. i think i assumed she would react the way i would if our places were reversed.
no so much.
but on the bright side ("bright side" being kind of equivalent to finally having enough deaths from a plague to finally figure out a vaccine), i think it gave us both a crystal clear view of just how much she really can't stand to be near me. i've been downplaying what she's been telling me all these months because i mean really, it's pretty hard to come to terms with realizing that your love -really, really- can't stand the thought of being within visual distance of you. i won't downplay what she tells me anymore.
anyway, there was a point i was trying to get to, but all the above is kinda blurring my mind right now...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
things you wish you'd never heard
there are things that you just wish you'd NEVER heard.... a gazillion years ago, bill cosby had a classic thing you don't want to hear: your surgeon saying "scalpel". "retractor". "suction". "oops".
or, the motorcycle cop who's swaggering up to your window... you don't want to hear him say "I was -gonna- just give you a warning..."
or, your 15 year old daughter saying "um, mom? dad? we need to talk".
or, the woman that you love with all your heart, that you've been trying to get with for over six long, painful years, to say "it's not gonna happen for another year".
that's not a good thing.
or, the motorcycle cop who's swaggering up to your window... you don't want to hear him say "I was -gonna- just give you a warning..."
or, your 15 year old daughter saying "um, mom? dad? we need to talk".
or, the woman that you love with all your heart, that you've been trying to get with for over six long, painful years, to say "it's not gonna happen for another year".
that's not a good thing.
i was a royal horse's ass to her today. oh, and red buttons.
well then. all you faithful readers, of which there are none, are probably just dying for an update.
if you've been following along, you know that today was the first time she was able to see me in 10 months. we'd both had our own visions of how today might go, but hers were based on reality, her pains, and knowing in advance how she wanted it to go. my visions were, as usual, pretty much based in fantasy land - and had it not been for those dang monkeys flying outta my butt, it mighta come true.
uh, no.
i had -every- intention of making the best of today, i really did. i wanted to show her how much i appreciated her stretching her limits and agreeing to let me come this week. (and given the level of reluctance and trepidation she had, how could she possibly have -ever- thought she'd see me in ohio this last march? or memorial day? or the 4th? she was nearly catatonic with fear at my very presence. good g-d, being within 500 miles of me in march might have just killed her.
so, on to the trip report. i like to be concise in my descriptions; which, even though she calls me the "king of the prefaces", i do try to make as accurate and descriptive as possible. so, let's just get to the executive summary, shall we?
i was a complete and total ass today. i swear, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. she wanted to meet at lunch, so we met in a parking lot and parked facing each other and talked on the phone. she couldn't see me because of reflection on the windshield although I could kinda see her. she was perfectly okay with not being able to see me.
at her office, we talked through her window because she couldn't let me in the door. only when it started raining did she allow me inside. and she stood behind a half-wall about 20' away. here's the feel-good part: when i tried to get within 10 feet of her (because, g-d did i want to kiss her) she PANICKED. not panicked, but PANICKED. her eyes got huge, she started backing away, her voice got high and shrill and very tense.
PANICKED. at just the thought of me being within 10 feet of her. PANICKED.
and i thought she'd be giving herself to her master. LOL! and so happy and overwhelmed to see me that she'd drop her defences, give herself to me, touch, hold, kiss and maybe even fuck me.
yeah, yeah, i know, but it really did seem plausible in -my- head. i think i hadn't really counted on the level (or presence, for that matter) of actual invoke-the-flight-response panic. well, at least i can make her feel something besides disgust, anger, hurt and hate.
panic. actual, real, visible panic. i don't think i've ever really seen panic like that before. i've seen fear and distrust and dislike and trepidation and all that... i've seen wild eyed fear in the eyes of almost-skydivers as they got to the door of the plane and then froze solid. i've seen "you've gotta be fucking kidding me" looks of disbelief.
but i have to say, i've never seen total physical panic before. had it not been my beloved showing such abject fear on her face, and not just fear, but fear of -me-, it would've been an experience worth analyzing, questioning her about it, getting her thoughts. but because it was so obvious what the source of her panic was (that'd be -me-) all sense of intellectual curiosity was overwhelmed by the realization that she was painfully, physically -fearful- of me being that close to her.
inspiring real, true emotions in others can be a very fulfilling experience. i'd like to think that i'm capable of making people feel liked, wanted, appreciated, enjoyed, welcome, etc. i have to admit, i'm not especially happy after seeing the abject fear that my mere physical presence can invoke.
her panic was just the highlight though. trust me when i tell you that i managed to make the entire visit an ordeal (uh, note to readers: an experience that's described as an "ordeal" is generally not considered a good thing) that she was forced to endure.
ah, how i like getting people to express their true emotions.
to be honest, i was a shit today. i tried, i did, i really tried. i went into this knowing that this was not for me, it was for her. and if i was going to make it a worthwhile risk for her to take (so she'd do it again, which seems unlikely at this point) then i'd have to really completely sublimate any wishes or hopes or ideas that i had for how the visit might turn out and take a backseat to hers.
i made a good start of it. i was SO happy all morning (despite getting up at 3am) just knowing that i was going to visit her. g-d i was flying all morning. there were a couple of periods where i felt myself getting ?resentful? that my needs and wants, hurts and pains were not important to this day and i more or less managed to get myself past those. after all, i'd known for months that this visit would not be for me. but i tried and was even successful. some.
but it all came out anyway.
i'm a logical type person. i process information in detail fashion, apply rules and previous experience to the interpretation of whatever facts i take in from the world and then approach them in a logical fashion. there's no problem, issue, dilemma that can't be solved if we look at it logically. and that's one of the most frustrating things in this period of trying to reconcile with my love. logic isn't applicable. and that's a major factor in my frustration.
a well reasoned, well thought out argument or presentation on the facts, alternatives and options of a problem (any problem, task, idea, etc) is an elegant thing and will -always- arrive at a reasonable solution of what to do (or do next). logic. if it hurts to bang your head on the wall, then don't bang your head on the wall. as a corollary, a favorite saying i have is the "definition of crazy - keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result". i've tried for years (unsuccessfully, obviously and usually to the detriment of our relationship) to try to logically lay out a description of our situation, the reasonable alternative courses of action and their likely results.
logic doesn't apply.
example: you've heard that if you push the red button, food gets delivered to the table. so, you're in a room and there's a table with no food and a red button. "Huh", you say. "I'll bet if I push the red button, food will appear; at least, that's what i've heard". so you proceed to push the red button. and push. and push. and several thousand pushes later, still no food. so, you ask the person next to you. and they say, "oh, that only works if you're the first in line and wear a red tee shirt". so logically, you should be able to come to two conclusions. first, you should be saying "i've pushed this friggin' red button 12,000 times and no food". you should also be saying "huh, that other person said it only works under certain conditions, which don't exist here.". now, what would you do? logically, you'd say, "huh, ok. maybe i'm doing this wrong; maybe my way won't work. g-d knows i've pushed the button enough times that -something- should've happened by now. i wonder if a) my plan is flawed somehow, b) it sure as fuck doesn't -seem- to be working and c) maybe i need to think about trying something different."
no. now this makes no sense to me. and, herein lies the source of much of my frustration. she has a predetermined path that she -KNOWS- is the one, the only, the right path from then to us. no negotiation, no compromise, no change. she knows herself and she knows that no other way will enable her to solve the problem. but holy fuck! we've been through numerous iterations of this process of pushing the red button and there's still no fucking food on the table!!! at -some- point doesn't it only make sense to try something different?
see? that's the problem with logic versus emotions. logic has to follow rules. emotion just -is-. it is just because i say it is. or because i think (KNOW) that that's how it's supposed to/gonna work. or just because i say it is and this is how i want it to happen.
but, whatever. it is what it is. and what it's not is open to suggestion, compromise or alternatives. that in itself is a conundrum because the only acceptable result for me is to have the fucking food show up on the table. i don't really give a fuck -what- makes the food appear, just that it does. if the red button doesn't work, let's try standing on our heads. if that doesn't work, let's try knocking on the lab door. if that doesn't work, let's try sticking a pinky up our nose and farting in show tunes. whatever. if the fucking red button doesn't work, do something different! you may -want- the red button to product the food. you may -need-, for pride or reputation or whatever, for pushing the red button to make food appear. you may desperately -want- pushing the red button to make food appear. but g-ddamn it! if pushing the fucking red button doesn't do it, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
so even though i know pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, and even though she knows that pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, she -wants- the pushing of the red button to be the thing that makes the food appear on the table.
so?
push. (no food)
push. (no food)
push. (still no food)
push. (no food)
push. push. push. push.
what happens when the red button is pushed to death and falls apart and theirs STILL no food on the table? will it -then- be time to try something different? or just install another red button?
since i'm a logical kind of guy, my answer is null and void out of the gate.
the red buttons are on order.
if you've been following along, you know that today was the first time she was able to see me in 10 months. we'd both had our own visions of how today might go, but hers were based on reality, her pains, and knowing in advance how she wanted it to go. my visions were, as usual, pretty much based in fantasy land - and had it not been for those dang monkeys flying outta my butt, it mighta come true.
uh, no.
i had -every- intention of making the best of today, i really did. i wanted to show her how much i appreciated her stretching her limits and agreeing to let me come this week. (and given the level of reluctance and trepidation she had, how could she possibly have -ever- thought she'd see me in ohio this last march? or memorial day? or the 4th? she was nearly catatonic with fear at my very presence. good g-d, being within 500 miles of me in march might have just killed her.
so, on to the trip report. i like to be concise in my descriptions; which, even though she calls me the "king of the prefaces", i do try to make as accurate and descriptive as possible. so, let's just get to the executive summary, shall we?
i was a complete and total ass today. i swear, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. she wanted to meet at lunch, so we met in a parking lot and parked facing each other and talked on the phone. she couldn't see me because of reflection on the windshield although I could kinda see her. she was perfectly okay with not being able to see me.
at her office, we talked through her window because she couldn't let me in the door. only when it started raining did she allow me inside. and she stood behind a half-wall about 20' away. here's the feel-good part: when i tried to get within 10 feet of her (because, g-d did i want to kiss her) she PANICKED. not panicked, but PANICKED. her eyes got huge, she started backing away, her voice got high and shrill and very tense.
PANICKED. at just the thought of me being within 10 feet of her. PANICKED.
and i thought she'd be giving herself to her master. LOL! and so happy and overwhelmed to see me that she'd drop her defences, give herself to me, touch, hold, kiss and maybe even fuck me.
yeah, yeah, i know, but it really did seem plausible in -my- head. i think i hadn't really counted on the level (or presence, for that matter) of actual invoke-the-flight-response panic. well, at least i can make her feel something besides disgust, anger, hurt and hate.
panic. actual, real, visible panic. i don't think i've ever really seen panic like that before. i've seen fear and distrust and dislike and trepidation and all that... i've seen wild eyed fear in the eyes of almost-skydivers as they got to the door of the plane and then froze solid. i've seen "you've gotta be fucking kidding me" looks of disbelief.
but i have to say, i've never seen total physical panic before. had it not been my beloved showing such abject fear on her face, and not just fear, but fear of -me-, it would've been an experience worth analyzing, questioning her about it, getting her thoughts. but because it was so obvious what the source of her panic was (that'd be -me-) all sense of intellectual curiosity was overwhelmed by the realization that she was painfully, physically -fearful- of me being that close to her.
inspiring real, true emotions in others can be a very fulfilling experience. i'd like to think that i'm capable of making people feel liked, wanted, appreciated, enjoyed, welcome, etc. i have to admit, i'm not especially happy after seeing the abject fear that my mere physical presence can invoke.
her panic was just the highlight though. trust me when i tell you that i managed to make the entire visit an ordeal (uh, note to readers: an experience that's described as an "ordeal" is generally not considered a good thing) that she was forced to endure.
ah, how i like getting people to express their true emotions.
to be honest, i was a shit today. i tried, i did, i really tried. i went into this knowing that this was not for me, it was for her. and if i was going to make it a worthwhile risk for her to take (so she'd do it again, which seems unlikely at this point) then i'd have to really completely sublimate any wishes or hopes or ideas that i had for how the visit might turn out and take a backseat to hers.
i made a good start of it. i was SO happy all morning (despite getting up at 3am) just knowing that i was going to visit her. g-d i was flying all morning. there were a couple of periods where i felt myself getting ?resentful? that my needs and wants, hurts and pains were not important to this day and i more or less managed to get myself past those. after all, i'd known for months that this visit would not be for me. but i tried and was even successful. some.
but it all came out anyway.
i'm a logical type person. i process information in detail fashion, apply rules and previous experience to the interpretation of whatever facts i take in from the world and then approach them in a logical fashion. there's no problem, issue, dilemma that can't be solved if we look at it logically. and that's one of the most frustrating things in this period of trying to reconcile with my love. logic isn't applicable. and that's a major factor in my frustration.
a well reasoned, well thought out argument or presentation on the facts, alternatives and options of a problem (any problem, task, idea, etc) is an elegant thing and will -always- arrive at a reasonable solution of what to do (or do next). logic. if it hurts to bang your head on the wall, then don't bang your head on the wall. as a corollary, a favorite saying i have is the "definition of crazy - keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result". i've tried for years (unsuccessfully, obviously and usually to the detriment of our relationship) to try to logically lay out a description of our situation, the reasonable alternative courses of action and their likely results.
logic doesn't apply.
example: you've heard that if you push the red button, food gets delivered to the table. so, you're in a room and there's a table with no food and a red button. "Huh", you say. "I'll bet if I push the red button, food will appear; at least, that's what i've heard". so you proceed to push the red button. and push. and push. and several thousand pushes later, still no food. so, you ask the person next to you. and they say, "oh, that only works if you're the first in line and wear a red tee shirt". so logically, you should be able to come to two conclusions. first, you should be saying "i've pushed this friggin' red button 12,000 times and no food". you should also be saying "huh, that other person said it only works under certain conditions, which don't exist here.". now, what would you do? logically, you'd say, "huh, ok. maybe i'm doing this wrong; maybe my way won't work. g-d knows i've pushed the button enough times that -something- should've happened by now. i wonder if a) my plan is flawed somehow, b) it sure as fuck doesn't -seem- to be working and c) maybe i need to think about trying something different."
no. now this makes no sense to me. and, herein lies the source of much of my frustration. she has a predetermined path that she -KNOWS- is the one, the only, the right path from then to us. no negotiation, no compromise, no change. she knows herself and she knows that no other way will enable her to solve the problem. but holy fuck! we've been through numerous iterations of this process of pushing the red button and there's still no fucking food on the table!!! at -some- point doesn't it only make sense to try something different?
see? that's the problem with logic versus emotions. logic has to follow rules. emotion just -is-. it is just because i say it is. or because i think (KNOW) that that's how it's supposed to/gonna work. or just because i say it is and this is how i want it to happen.
but, whatever. it is what it is. and what it's not is open to suggestion, compromise or alternatives. that in itself is a conundrum because the only acceptable result for me is to have the fucking food show up on the table. i don't really give a fuck -what- makes the food appear, just that it does. if the red button doesn't work, let's try standing on our heads. if that doesn't work, let's try knocking on the lab door. if that doesn't work, let's try sticking a pinky up our nose and farting in show tunes. whatever. if the fucking red button doesn't work, do something different! you may -want- the red button to product the food. you may -need-, for pride or reputation or whatever, for pushing the red button to make food appear. you may desperately -want- pushing the red button to make food appear. but g-ddamn it! if pushing the fucking red button doesn't do it, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
so even though i know pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, and even though she knows that pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, she -wants- the pushing of the red button to be the thing that makes the food appear on the table.
so?
push. (no food)
push. (no food)
push. (still no food)
push. (no food)
push. push. push. push.
what happens when the red button is pushed to death and falls apart and theirs STILL no food on the table? will it -then- be time to try something different? or just install another red button?
since i'm a logical kind of guy, my answer is null and void out of the gate.
the red buttons are on order.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
whoa! reality check
you know, for someone who's such a pessimist, such a "glass half empty" kinda guy, I sure am awful optimistic when it comes to her...
since about labor day (well, after, coz she was gone for quite awhile around labor day), I've felt so good about my mindset, my mental perspective. and I wanted her to know and feel it and see that hey, see? I really am here and focused on us...
the beginning of september was an important milestone, although not an "actual" one. the beginning of september marked the month where she was gonna see me. no matter, the visit was to be a milestone, an important way point on our journey to us.
she was going to push to see me around her birthday, no matter what. and since we'd talked -often- about visits and what would be required to get us back to us, the start of visits denoted a very important kick off date. we'd talked for a long time about having visits, once we started again, about every 2 weeks, maybe every 3, depending on schedules. and she'd highly intimated that 3 visits would kinda be the magic number, possibly, after which we'd be -very, very- close to being together, if not already there.
so, doing the math, 4 visits from her birthday would (would have) put us right at the 2nd week in november. now mind you, that means the 2nd week of november as a very possible time that she'd be leaving bf/hubby to be with me. meaning we'd be starting our life together, mid-november.
that was a powerful, powerful beacon to me. and its proximity was starting to have a profound effect on my mindset. the nearness of her birthday and what i thought that meant to us was rapidly changing my perspective, for the better. us being together was becoming -reality-. the date of that was creeping closer and closer; everyday was bringing us closer to being together. instead of looking ahead and seeing an endless parade of who knows how many months, the future was starting to gel, to actually take form, fall into perspective. it was no longer an unknown number of months in the foggy future, but instead, it was turning into a date (or a range of likely dates) that was in the foreseeable and -near- future. a hundred days, give or take. that's ALL! just another hundred days or so... and not 100 days until we see each other, but 100 days until we're -TOGETHER-!!!!
WOW! what a perspective change! instead of every morning being just one more morning of one more day of not knowing when or if we'll ever be together, every morning became a marker of 1 day closer to being together! the days were still long, but they stopped dragging on interminably. the weekends still sucked, but every one that passed was one less before we were going to be together! the turning of the calendar began to be a good thing again, instead of a hated, despised event.
whoa! time for a reality check.
she already knows that she's not going to be able to see me this visit. nothing like being open and wanting to make something positive happen.
and when i asked her when she thought she might want the next visit she said "3-4 weeks, maybe".
what? wtf?
so, time to revamp the calendar. what i thought might be our -start- date instead may be about the time of our second visit. a visit during which she may actually want to be in the same room with me. so i'm thinking us starting fucking and her leaving hubby probably ain't gonna make the agenda for a november visit.
"days", as a discreet, finite unit of time are fading back into "days" as the foggy entrance to a dark, scary tunnel of unknown makeup, unknown length, unknown pitfalls. days aren't getting X'd off the calendar any more, they're back to being boulders of sand falling on top of me from this huge hourglass hanging over my head. days are no longer prized as just one of a hundred or so to be put behind us before reaching our future. days have resumed their shape as snowflakes in the blizzard, drops of water in the waterfall, falling sand/rocks in the hourglass of life. where before there was a set, finite number of them, an unknown number yes, but in the -countable- range, today each is again just one of a million coming down the pike.
a week ago, every day that passed was one less day until i could have her again. i suppose that technically, I could still look at each day that way, but there's a crucial difference: before, I knew that there were about 100 of them, give or take. i knew, concretely, that by the end of this year, we'd be together. now? no clue. there could be 100, 200, 500 or 3,000 days between now and "us". so yeah, every day that passes is one more day down and one more day closer to us.... but it still leaves a whole heap of days out in front...
since about labor day (well, after, coz she was gone for quite awhile around labor day), I've felt so good about my mindset, my mental perspective. and I wanted her to know and feel it and see that hey, see? I really am here and focused on us...
the beginning of september was an important milestone, although not an "actual" one. the beginning of september marked the month where she was gonna see me. no matter, the visit was to be a milestone, an important way point on our journey to us.
she was going to push to see me around her birthday, no matter what. and since we'd talked -often- about visits and what would be required to get us back to us, the start of visits denoted a very important kick off date. we'd talked for a long time about having visits, once we started again, about every 2 weeks, maybe every 3, depending on schedules. and she'd highly intimated that 3 visits would kinda be the magic number, possibly, after which we'd be -very, very- close to being together, if not already there.
so, doing the math, 4 visits from her birthday would (would have) put us right at the 2nd week in november. now mind you, that means the 2nd week of november as a very possible time that she'd be leaving bf/hubby to be with me. meaning we'd be starting our life together, mid-november.
that was a powerful, powerful beacon to me. and its proximity was starting to have a profound effect on my mindset. the nearness of her birthday and what i thought that meant to us was rapidly changing my perspective, for the better. us being together was becoming -reality-. the date of that was creeping closer and closer; everyday was bringing us closer to being together. instead of looking ahead and seeing an endless parade of who knows how many months, the future was starting to gel, to actually take form, fall into perspective. it was no longer an unknown number of months in the foggy future, but instead, it was turning into a date (or a range of likely dates) that was in the foreseeable and -near- future. a hundred days, give or take. that's ALL! just another hundred days or so... and not 100 days until we see each other, but 100 days until we're -TOGETHER-!!!!
WOW! what a perspective change! instead of every morning being just one more morning of one more day of not knowing when or if we'll ever be together, every morning became a marker of 1 day closer to being together! the days were still long, but they stopped dragging on interminably. the weekends still sucked, but every one that passed was one less before we were going to be together! the turning of the calendar began to be a good thing again, instead of a hated, despised event.
whoa! time for a reality check.
she already knows that she's not going to be able to see me this visit. nothing like being open and wanting to make something positive happen.
and when i asked her when she thought she might want the next visit she said "3-4 weeks, maybe".
what? wtf?
so, time to revamp the calendar. what i thought might be our -start- date instead may be about the time of our second visit. a visit during which she may actually want to be in the same room with me. so i'm thinking us starting fucking and her leaving hubby probably ain't gonna make the agenda for a november visit.
"days", as a discreet, finite unit of time are fading back into "days" as the foggy entrance to a dark, scary tunnel of unknown makeup, unknown length, unknown pitfalls. days aren't getting X'd off the calendar any more, they're back to being boulders of sand falling on top of me from this huge hourglass hanging over my head. days are no longer prized as just one of a hundred or so to be put behind us before reaching our future. days have resumed their shape as snowflakes in the blizzard, drops of water in the waterfall, falling sand/rocks in the hourglass of life. where before there was a set, finite number of them, an unknown number yes, but in the -countable- range, today each is again just one of a million coming down the pike.
a week ago, every day that passed was one less day until i could have her again. i suppose that technically, I could still look at each day that way, but there's a crucial difference: before, I knew that there were about 100 of them, give or take. i knew, concretely, that by the end of this year, we'd be together. now? no clue. there could be 100, 200, 500 or 3,000 days between now and "us". so yeah, every day that passes is one more day down and one more day closer to us.... but it still leaves a whole heap of days out in front...
Today is the last day of this life....
-this- life, the one that I've managed to make so many missteps and mistakes in, ends today.
No, there will be no funeral.
Its passing is noted though not mourned.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow starts a new life. My new life. -Our- new life.
Tomorrow I go to see my baby. For the first time in just under a year. (a -year-! :-( )
Tomorrow will not be the stuff of legend. There won't be fireworks, a parade, marching bands, a buffet or an open bar. There won't be screams of lust, pain or joy. There won't be long periods of post-coital bliss spent staring longingly into each others' eyes.
What there will be is reconnection. We'll be in the same place, talking without needing electronics between us. My baby and I are starting our journey tomorrow. We come together seperately, from separate places. We'll circle and dance and poke and prod and touch tentatively. We'll look and see and smell and sit and laugh and talk and have moments of awkward silence.
And then she'll go home to husband.
And Friday, we'll do it again. This time, somewhat more relaxed, with the initial tentativeness and caution eased.
Tomorrow, we meet as two individuals, coming together again after so many missteps and mistakes. Tomorrow we shake, acknowledge our mistakes, make our apologies and then join hands and turn together toward the future.
Friday we spend time together, again.
Tomorrow, we meet as two.
Friday, we leave as one.
And a new life begins.... for both of us.
There will be a short viewing tonight, a quick review of a life gone terribly wrong. Tears will not be shed, donations are not requested. The past will be laid to rest so the future may grow to its full potential.
The past will not be missed.
No, there will be no funeral.
Its passing is noted though not mourned.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow starts a new life. My new life. -Our- new life.
Tomorrow I go to see my baby. For the first time in just under a year. (a -year-! :-( )
Tomorrow will not be the stuff of legend. There won't be fireworks, a parade, marching bands, a buffet or an open bar. There won't be screams of lust, pain or joy. There won't be long periods of post-coital bliss spent staring longingly into each others' eyes.
What there will be is reconnection. We'll be in the same place, talking without needing electronics between us. My baby and I are starting our journey tomorrow. We come together seperately, from separate places. We'll circle and dance and poke and prod and touch tentatively. We'll look and see and smell and sit and laugh and talk and have moments of awkward silence.
And then she'll go home to husband.
And Friday, we'll do it again. This time, somewhat more relaxed, with the initial tentativeness and caution eased.
Tomorrow, we meet as two individuals, coming together again after so many missteps and mistakes. Tomorrow we shake, acknowledge our mistakes, make our apologies and then join hands and turn together toward the future.
Friday we spend time together, again.
Tomorrow, we meet as two.
Friday, we leave as one.
And a new life begins.... for both of us.
There will be a short viewing tonight, a quick review of a life gone terribly wrong. Tears will not be shed, donations are not requested. The past will be laid to rest so the future may grow to its full potential.
The past will not be missed.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
and he does it again
g-d. what a difference 6 hours can make...
six hours ago, i was poring over the calendar, eagerly marking out visit schedules for the rest of the year, both a 2 week cycle (8 visits by years' end) and a 3 week cycle (6 visits) ... i marked them both on a calendar with different colored highlighters... laid them out in a table... outlined the most likely period when i thought she'd be ready to finally be together.. (late october through late november... about visit 4 on the 2 wk cycle, visit 3 or 4 on the 3 wk cycle... either way, i pretty much saw (as i have for a couple months or so now) that my best guess on when we'd be together (as in togethertogether, as in she leaves hubby) was november-ish. preferably earlier in the month, but i pretty much reckoned by turkey day for sure...
and then she came back from her week (10 days) away.
now you'd think that'd be a joyous occasion. but no. once again i fucked it up. i worked really hard on not jumping all over her when she finally reappeared. i've only been anticipating this morning for 10 days, but intensely for the last two or so.... i purposely held back, wanting to make sure i didn't say anything that'd make her feel bad, purposely wanted to give her the time and the space to find her own way back to us... as i thought we'd determined during previous conversations that she needed.
apparently i was wrong at that, too.
so instead, she's in tears. telling me i told her she did it wrong. telling me that it was -i- who didn't seem anxious to be back in touch...
wow... really??
wow... will i -EVER- treat her right?
this morning i was so happily looking at the calendar.. .confident that all that i've waited for, that she's waited for, that we've waited for... for six long years... for the last two years.. for the last 8 months... all that we've wanted and waited for... CONFIDENT that all of that was coming to a head and would BE HERE in less than 100 days.. by the end of the year, if not sooner...
i KNEW it was coming.. .there was nothing but the knowledge of the absolute truth of that, throughout my bones.... every fiber of my being KNEW that us being together, the only real option, was not only finally going to happen, but that we were starting to count down the days!!! it was shaping itself into a date, a REAL date, on the calendar... not too far away.. end of the year, tops... possibly as soon as 45 days away... not a single iota of me in anyway doubted that the only possible outcome, her and i being together, was in fact the only possible outcome. there simply are, were, no other possible outcomes....
and then? i opened my mouth.
when i left for the dr's office this morning, i carried with me the ease and confidence and surety of the knowledge that our wait was soon going to be over, that very soon, we'd fix all this shit and finally be together....
and then? i opened my mouth.
just six short hours.
now, instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the final wait until we're together... instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the period during which the rest of my life would finally come into focus, hell, come into -being-.... instead of feeling this enormous stretch of waiting and desolation and aloneness coming to an end, being replaced by the life we were supposed to have, supposed to be having....
now i see the next 3-1/2 months as the last hurrah. it's not a time for final redemption, but for her to finally figure out that it's not me she wants. time for her to work up the courage to tell me that she can't do it, or doesn't want to do it, or just plain and simple doesn't want me.
i thought my life would be in full bloom, full swing by the end of the year.
nope.
the end of the year looks like it's gonna be my end too.
we'll have visits.... probably 3, maybe even four... until she tells me that as far as she can tell, i don't really want to be with her.... or that she simply can't be with someone who's hurt her so much... or that she's decided life with bf really is what she wants, after all...
and then she'll tell me "go, live your life"... when what she really means is "go, so i can live my life".
i'll brood and stew and spend a couple of weeks drunk, probably losing my job in the meantime. and then I'll take one last trip home, to her... i'll stalk her for a week or so.. i'll want to see her back in full swing with -him-.... and then our hero will ride off into the sunset...
broken. crushed. empty. and hoping for a quick death.
i shouldn't feel like i've been so mistreated, i guess. g-d knows i've had enough chances to turn things around and haven't been able to. g-d knows -she's- given me more than enough chances.
i guess i don't blame her.
i don't much care for me either.
it's been a good run though... almost 52 years... just a month or so shy...
and for the last six and a half years of my life, i had the privilege of meeting, befriending and knowing the woman i was supposed to spend my life with. i do wish for more... i wish we'd had the time together that we should've had.. i wish i'd never hurt her like i have...
and while the lingering effects of me passing through her life will soon fade.. at least by me passing through, she got to meet -him- and find her future.
i really thought her future was -us-. i really did.
probably would've been... if not for me...
six hours ago, i was poring over the calendar, eagerly marking out visit schedules for the rest of the year, both a 2 week cycle (8 visits by years' end) and a 3 week cycle (6 visits) ... i marked them both on a calendar with different colored highlighters... laid them out in a table... outlined the most likely period when i thought she'd be ready to finally be together.. (late october through late november... about visit 4 on the 2 wk cycle, visit 3 or 4 on the 3 wk cycle... either way, i pretty much saw (as i have for a couple months or so now) that my best guess on when we'd be together (as in togethertogether, as in she leaves hubby) was november-ish. preferably earlier in the month, but i pretty much reckoned by turkey day for sure...
and then she came back from her week (10 days) away.
now you'd think that'd be a joyous occasion. but no. once again i fucked it up. i worked really hard on not jumping all over her when she finally reappeared. i've only been anticipating this morning for 10 days, but intensely for the last two or so.... i purposely held back, wanting to make sure i didn't say anything that'd make her feel bad, purposely wanted to give her the time and the space to find her own way back to us... as i thought we'd determined during previous conversations that she needed.
apparently i was wrong at that, too.
so instead, she's in tears. telling me i told her she did it wrong. telling me that it was -i- who didn't seem anxious to be back in touch...
wow... really??
wow... will i -EVER- treat her right?
this morning i was so happily looking at the calendar.. .confident that all that i've waited for, that she's waited for, that we've waited for... for six long years... for the last two years.. for the last 8 months... all that we've wanted and waited for... CONFIDENT that all of that was coming to a head and would BE HERE in less than 100 days.. by the end of the year, if not sooner...
i KNEW it was coming.. .there was nothing but the knowledge of the absolute truth of that, throughout my bones.... every fiber of my being KNEW that us being together, the only real option, was not only finally going to happen, but that we were starting to count down the days!!! it was shaping itself into a date, a REAL date, on the calendar... not too far away.. end of the year, tops... possibly as soon as 45 days away... not a single iota of me in anyway doubted that the only possible outcome, her and i being together, was in fact the only possible outcome. there simply are, were, no other possible outcomes....
and then? i opened my mouth.
when i left for the dr's office this morning, i carried with me the ease and confidence and surety of the knowledge that our wait was soon going to be over, that very soon, we'd fix all this shit and finally be together....
and then? i opened my mouth.
just six short hours.
now, instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the final wait until we're together... instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the period during which the rest of my life would finally come into focus, hell, come into -being-.... instead of feeling this enormous stretch of waiting and desolation and aloneness coming to an end, being replaced by the life we were supposed to have, supposed to be having....
now i see the next 3-1/2 months as the last hurrah. it's not a time for final redemption, but for her to finally figure out that it's not me she wants. time for her to work up the courage to tell me that she can't do it, or doesn't want to do it, or just plain and simple doesn't want me.
i thought my life would be in full bloom, full swing by the end of the year.
nope.
the end of the year looks like it's gonna be my end too.
we'll have visits.... probably 3, maybe even four... until she tells me that as far as she can tell, i don't really want to be with her.... or that she simply can't be with someone who's hurt her so much... or that she's decided life with bf really is what she wants, after all...
and then she'll tell me "go, live your life"... when what she really means is "go, so i can live my life".
i'll brood and stew and spend a couple of weeks drunk, probably losing my job in the meantime. and then I'll take one last trip home, to her... i'll stalk her for a week or so.. i'll want to see her back in full swing with -him-.... and then our hero will ride off into the sunset...
broken. crushed. empty. and hoping for a quick death.
i shouldn't feel like i've been so mistreated, i guess. g-d knows i've had enough chances to turn things around and haven't been able to. g-d knows -she's- given me more than enough chances.
i guess i don't blame her.
i don't much care for me either.
it's been a good run though... almost 52 years... just a month or so shy...
and for the last six and a half years of my life, i had the privilege of meeting, befriending and knowing the woman i was supposed to spend my life with. i do wish for more... i wish we'd had the time together that we should've had.. i wish i'd never hurt her like i have...
and while the lingering effects of me passing through her life will soon fade.. at least by me passing through, she got to meet -him- and find her future.
i really thought her future was -us-. i really did.
probably would've been... if not for me...
looking back, looking forward
today's the day - she comes back.
finally.
about four years ago, on 8/27/2009, she told me she needed to take some time. some time away from work. some time away from me.
today she comes back. she's scheduled to come back.
i know in my heart she's never left... but it's been an awful long time since she was here. it feels like forever.
our first scheduled visit is rapidly approaching. that is, the date that she's said, since may, that she'd definitely see me by - 9/17. so far she's a little shaky about it, but no signs yet that she's close to cancelling.
of course, i like to make the best use of time. so of course i planned flights where i'd get there in time for us to have lunch together and then time after work, then again friday after work. she's already let me know that thursday lunch might be difficult for her. not because of scheduling, or work commitments or other engagements. but because it's -me-. so, 1/3 of our potential meeting opportunities has already been taken off the table. i'm pretty sure that bf and the universe will do their best to minimize any other time she & i might have. will he travel on that thursday, to perhaps give us a few extra hours at night? no, i'm sure not. if anything, he'll probably not only -not- travel, but he'll probably have some early afternoon event scheduled so she'll have to leave work early or right at quitting time, thereby allowing her & i no time. it's pretty likely that the same thing will happen on friday as well. in fact, if bf and the universe don't fuck up thursdays' time, you can count on them fucking fridays' time.
which will kill me. she'll see it in me and in my face. she'll take it as a reason for me to leave. and when i leave her on that friday, she'll be both worried and confident that i'm bolting again, leaving her again. i know i won't, i know there's not even a chance of that... but she doesn't. and so -that- will set us back another month or two.
i even went so far as to lay out a 2-week and a 3-week visit schedule for the rest of the year. (wrt some things, i'm an eternal optimist). She's said a few times that 3 is pretty much the minimum number of visits before she's able to see herself leaving bf and being with me. three visits is either 10/15-16 or 10/29-30. that'd be cool.
by years' end, there's 8 visits on the 2 week schedule and 6 on the 3 week schedule. my hope is that by years' end, we're commuting back and forth as a couple.
fantasy? possibility?
finally.
about four years ago, on 8/27/2009, she told me she needed to take some time. some time away from work. some time away from me.
today she comes back. she's scheduled to come back.
i know in my heart she's never left... but it's been an awful long time since she was here. it feels like forever.
our first scheduled visit is rapidly approaching. that is, the date that she's said, since may, that she'd definitely see me by - 9/17. so far she's a little shaky about it, but no signs yet that she's close to cancelling.
of course, i like to make the best use of time. so of course i planned flights where i'd get there in time for us to have lunch together and then time after work, then again friday after work. she's already let me know that thursday lunch might be difficult for her. not because of scheduling, or work commitments or other engagements. but because it's -me-. so, 1/3 of our potential meeting opportunities has already been taken off the table. i'm pretty sure that bf and the universe will do their best to minimize any other time she & i might have. will he travel on that thursday, to perhaps give us a few extra hours at night? no, i'm sure not. if anything, he'll probably not only -not- travel, but he'll probably have some early afternoon event scheduled so she'll have to leave work early or right at quitting time, thereby allowing her & i no time. it's pretty likely that the same thing will happen on friday as well. in fact, if bf and the universe don't fuck up thursdays' time, you can count on them fucking fridays' time.
which will kill me. she'll see it in me and in my face. she'll take it as a reason for me to leave. and when i leave her on that friday, she'll be both worried and confident that i'm bolting again, leaving her again. i know i won't, i know there's not even a chance of that... but she doesn't. and so -that- will set us back another month or two.
i even went so far as to lay out a 2-week and a 3-week visit schedule for the rest of the year. (wrt some things, i'm an eternal optimist). She's said a few times that 3 is pretty much the minimum number of visits before she's able to see herself leaving bf and being with me. three visits is either 10/15-16 or 10/29-30. that'd be cool.
by years' end, there's 8 visits on the 2 week schedule and 6 on the 3 week schedule. my hope is that by years' end, we're commuting back and forth as a couple.
fantasy? possibility?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
