the great war movie is not the point here, but the title is.
waaaaay too much stress at work with this project going wrong. er, on, i meant.
all it would have taken yesterday was one more fucking asshole to tell me something wasn't working like it should be. NO SHIT ASSHOLE! why do you think i've been here for 80+ hours over the last 7 days, dipshit?
just one more of them and there'd have been front page news, i'm positive.
if it hadn't been for her, i think i might have crawled under my bed and stayed there.
and in my typical "it's all about -me-" fashion, i was upset with her because she wouldn't comfort me in person. she does everything she can for me and then i'm upset coz it's not what i want from her. fuck me.
so let me stand up in front of g-d and everyone and say "Thank you B for being my friend".
ly
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
click - the journey and the reward
we got to talk on saturday. not on sunday though .
i liked our saturday, even though i was working and even though she had to leave for an hour+ in the middle of it. even though she left she came back.
i feel like adam sandler in Click, except more like an Adam Sandler that's already seen the movie.. so, he knows that even though he wants to speed through some parts of his life, he knows that those parts are critical to all that comes after.
just like now with B. i want nothing more than to fast forward to the part where we've worked everything out and we're finally if not "together" at least seeing each other and (hopefully) working toward being together.
and yet i know that those times cannot possibly happen without the times that are coming in between. my impatience is just from wanting that very same future for a long time.
so as much as i want that "destination" i know too that the journey is just as vital.
isn't there a "just a little faster" button?
i liked our saturday, even though i was working and even though she had to leave for an hour+ in the middle of it. even though she left she came back.
i feel like adam sandler in Click, except more like an Adam Sandler that's already seen the movie.. so, he knows that even though he wants to speed through some parts of his life, he knows that those parts are critical to all that comes after.
just like now with B. i want nothing more than to fast forward to the part where we've worked everything out and we're finally if not "together" at least seeing each other and (hopefully) working toward being together.
and yet i know that those times cannot possibly happen without the times that are coming in between. my impatience is just from wanting that very same future for a long time.
so as much as i want that "destination" i know too that the journey is just as vital.
isn't there a "just a little faster" button?
Friday, February 23, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
and this little piggy had none...
when i worked for the fed govt a long time ago, new rules came out about accepting gratuities. i think there was a limit of $5 per item. but more importantly a guideline, roughly translated from governmentspeak: if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. in other words, if you think something is wrong/funky/illegal/dishonest it probably is.
i knew it felt wrong to be giving so much time to my fuckbuddy. it not only felt wrong but i knew it -was- wrong to put things that belonged to mine and b's relationship and put them into my fb relationship. i knew b wouldn't be happy. and i knew i wouldn't be happy if she wasn't happy.
all of which begs the question: if i knew it was wrong, why did i continue?
good question. i'm sure there's many answers, most of them kinda right, some out and out self-delusions & lies and then there's the truth.
truth is, i was getting laid. b was not only not fucking me, but not even willing to meet. even on the date we set aside for our first meeting. and not a fuck-all-day meeting, but simply lunch and "hi".
i wonder how many relationships have been killed in exactly this same way? not the cheating part, because while i think of it as though i was cheating on b, in reality, there was no adultery going on. it was an emotional betrayal. how many relationships have been lost from "trying to have your cake and eat it too"?
clearly, when blood is diverted from the brain and used in other parts of the body, normal thought processes suffer.
here's why i really don't understand this: i KNEW that my relationship with b was the best i'd ever had and the best i'm ever likely to have. i cherished it. i've loved her without question and without doubt since the beginning, over three years ago. while i always had doubts that we'd wind up together, there were signs that gave me hope. more importantly, i knew, KNEW that the things i was doing with my fb were -guaranteed- to hurt b.
so what the fuck was i doing?
picture this: late in the afternoon, a flat landscape, the sun near the horizon. if you stand with your back to the sun, you can see all there is to see. you know the sun's there, it's warming you, giving you life. as you look away from the sun you can see all kinds of things. now picture turning around and facing the sun. now, it's BLINDING. all you can see is the sun, nothing else. it completely overwhelms you and surrounds you. you feel it's warmth, feel how it fills all there is to fill. i am that person. since i've been seeing my fb, i've been looking away from the sun. i felt it on me, around me. i knew it was there, knew that i needed it in my life. but oh, so many things to see. and all along the sun was calling me, saying "hey, i'm here, over here!". but i still felt the sun on my back, so i knew it was still there. and then suddenly, the warmth of the sun was gone. i turned around and even though the strength of the light had dimmed some, when i faced it, it was still overwhelming, still brought back my full understanding of the importance of the sun in my life. looking full on into that light, i wonder how i could EVER have forgotten it, ever have neglected it, ever thought that other things were more important.
and now, it's dusk and the sun is setting.
i yell at it, plead with it, cry to it, argue with it, but i cannot stop the setting of the sun. it wants to stay, wants to continue warming me like it has, but it can't. it doesn't have the energy anymore. it doesn't want to set, i don't think, but it just can't muster the strength to stay in the sky, especially when it still may not get what it needs.
how do you live without the sun? without the very thing that gives you life and energy and a reason? sure, fucking is good, but it's not love, is it?
so, guys, here's my advice. try to remember it. be warned though, when your dick gets hard you won't listen.
i knew it felt wrong to be giving so much time to my fuckbuddy. it not only felt wrong but i knew it -was- wrong to put things that belonged to mine and b's relationship and put them into my fb relationship. i knew b wouldn't be happy. and i knew i wouldn't be happy if she wasn't happy.
all of which begs the question: if i knew it was wrong, why did i continue?
good question. i'm sure there's many answers, most of them kinda right, some out and out self-delusions & lies and then there's the truth.
truth is, i was getting laid. b was not only not fucking me, but not even willing to meet. even on the date we set aside for our first meeting. and not a fuck-all-day meeting, but simply lunch and "hi".
i wonder how many relationships have been killed in exactly this same way? not the cheating part, because while i think of it as though i was cheating on b, in reality, there was no adultery going on. it was an emotional betrayal. how many relationships have been lost from "trying to have your cake and eat it too"?
clearly, when blood is diverted from the brain and used in other parts of the body, normal thought processes suffer.
here's why i really don't understand this: i KNEW that my relationship with b was the best i'd ever had and the best i'm ever likely to have. i cherished it. i've loved her without question and without doubt since the beginning, over three years ago. while i always had doubts that we'd wind up together, there were signs that gave me hope. more importantly, i knew, KNEW that the things i was doing with my fb were -guaranteed- to hurt b.
so what the fuck was i doing?
picture this: late in the afternoon, a flat landscape, the sun near the horizon. if you stand with your back to the sun, you can see all there is to see. you know the sun's there, it's warming you, giving you life. as you look away from the sun you can see all kinds of things. now picture turning around and facing the sun. now, it's BLINDING. all you can see is the sun, nothing else. it completely overwhelms you and surrounds you. you feel it's warmth, feel how it fills all there is to fill. i am that person. since i've been seeing my fb, i've been looking away from the sun. i felt it on me, around me. i knew it was there, knew that i needed it in my life. but oh, so many things to see. and all along the sun was calling me, saying "hey, i'm here, over here!". but i still felt the sun on my back, so i knew it was still there. and then suddenly, the warmth of the sun was gone. i turned around and even though the strength of the light had dimmed some, when i faced it, it was still overwhelming, still brought back my full understanding of the importance of the sun in my life. looking full on into that light, i wonder how i could EVER have forgotten it, ever have neglected it, ever thought that other things were more important.
and now, it's dusk and the sun is setting.
i yell at it, plead with it, cry to it, argue with it, but i cannot stop the setting of the sun. it wants to stay, wants to continue warming me like it has, but it can't. it doesn't have the energy anymore. it doesn't want to set, i don't think, but it just can't muster the strength to stay in the sky, especially when it still may not get what it needs.
how do you live without the sun? without the very thing that gives you life and energy and a reason? sure, fucking is good, but it's not love, is it?
so, guys, here's my advice. try to remember it. be warned though, when your dick gets hard you won't listen.
think about what you want. not what you want -now-, but what you want long term. i can promise you they are not the same.
most importantly - LISTEN TO HER. she is telling you what you need to know.
a day in the life
well, this will not be just another boring day in just another boring week.
today, b will tell me whether we're done or if we're going to be together. it's not actually those two choices, but whether we're done or whether we'll continue to try to work on a relationship.
it's been a very interesting week. let's see... my soulmate b, the woman i've been chasing for over three years, will tell me today whether or not she'll ever speak to me again after today. i broke up with a fuckbuddy to try to save my relationship with b. i was supposed to have been RIF'd last week but my boss resigned, so that took care of the budget crunch, for now. (but not only am i a contractor, once you're on the hit list, you don't get off). my boss leaving sucks big time because not only was he a great boss, but a VAST amount of corporate application knowledge vanishes with him, stuff that will come back to bite us later (i say us, even though i expect my time remaining here is short). oh, and now, the project we have to bring in another 400 people by MONDAY will likely become a fabulous circle jerk. for which i suspect i will carry a large share of blame (after all, i worked for the guy who left, and i'm a contractor).
so while it sucks that all these things come together in one week, what is the real impact? fuckbuddies come and go. bosses come and go, even good ones. projects fail, or fall behind or have problems, that's normal. jobs and contracts come and go.
but -love-? love doesn't happen very often. and deep, solid, make-your-eyes-water- with-the-rightness-of-it-all love .... that doesn't happen very many times in a lifetime, does it? once, maybe, if you're lucky? with b, i knew within the first few weeks of talking that she was the one for me. i knew it then and i know it now.
she says it's like one of those movies where two people are in love, they know it, they know that the other person is the RIGHT one for them, yet because too many things have happened, they can't bring themselves to say the words that will bring them back together. that it's just "too late", even though it's still right, even though they both still want it, even though they know it'd be all they hoped it would be.
i say that if two people love each other like we do (and yeah, i believe she still loves me, even under all the pain), then how could they NOT say the words needed to get them together? how could they NOT do -whatever- is necessary to make it happen? there can be no greater good served by sacrificing a love and a relationship that they both know is extraordinary in so many ways. i believe that with the partnership we'd have (have had, could have again) that -NOTHING- would be insurmountable. would it be easy to get past the hurts and pains that are in our past? no, of course not. is it doable? i absolutely believe so.
i believe it's worth it. how could it not be?
in about two hours i'll know if she thinks it's worth it.
today, b will tell me whether we're done or if we're going to be together. it's not actually those two choices, but whether we're done or whether we'll continue to try to work on a relationship.
it's been a very interesting week. let's see... my soulmate b, the woman i've been chasing for over three years, will tell me today whether or not she'll ever speak to me again after today. i broke up with a fuckbuddy to try to save my relationship with b. i was supposed to have been RIF'd last week but my boss resigned, so that took care of the budget crunch, for now. (but not only am i a contractor, once you're on the hit list, you don't get off). my boss leaving sucks big time because not only was he a great boss, but a VAST amount of corporate application knowledge vanishes with him, stuff that will come back to bite us later (i say us, even though i expect my time remaining here is short). oh, and now, the project we have to bring in another 400 people by MONDAY will likely become a fabulous circle jerk. for which i suspect i will carry a large share of blame (after all, i worked for the guy who left, and i'm a contractor).
so while it sucks that all these things come together in one week, what is the real impact? fuckbuddies come and go. bosses come and go, even good ones. projects fail, or fall behind or have problems, that's normal. jobs and contracts come and go.
but -love-? love doesn't happen very often. and deep, solid, make-your-eyes-water- with-the-rightness-of-it-all love .... that doesn't happen very many times in a lifetime, does it? once, maybe, if you're lucky? with b, i knew within the first few weeks of talking that she was the one for me. i knew it then and i know it now.
she says it's like one of those movies where two people are in love, they know it, they know that the other person is the RIGHT one for them, yet because too many things have happened, they can't bring themselves to say the words that will bring them back together. that it's just "too late", even though it's still right, even though they both still want it, even though they know it'd be all they hoped it would be.
i say that if two people love each other like we do (and yeah, i believe she still loves me, even under all the pain), then how could they NOT say the words needed to get them together? how could they NOT do -whatever- is necessary to make it happen? there can be no greater good served by sacrificing a love and a relationship that they both know is extraordinary in so many ways. i believe that with the partnership we'd have (have had, could have again) that -NOTHING- would be insurmountable. would it be easy to get past the hurts and pains that are in our past? no, of course not. is it doable? i absolutely believe so.
i believe it's worth it. how could it not be?
in about two hours i'll know if she thinks it's worth it.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Monday, Feb 19, 2007
she was supposed to be in to work today, but it's over an hour late. when first we talked about today, we said we'd have plenty of time to talk, since her day won't be very busy nor will mine (my company is closed today).
but that was before saturday. the saturday she said she was not going to do it anymore. she said she couldn't compete with my fb. in my mind there never was a competition, but she made it clear that i'd pulled away from our relationship.
now that's been fixed. i broke up with the fb yesterday, told her i couldn't see her anymore. it may very well be a case of too little too late, as far as b's concerned. and i suppose i wouldn't, couldn't blame her if she said goodbye and never turned back again.
i've been slow to understand her when she's told me i was taking things away from our relationship and giving them to my fb. i didn't believe her at the time, didn't see it. i'm seeing it now, but it's likely too little, too late.
in my email to b i told her that i'm not going to point out things to her to show how i'm not distracted anymore. she'll either see in my actions and my words that i'm fully with her again or she won't. if she does, we might be able become again what we've been, or even more. if she doesn't see change, then she'll go (if she hasn't already). period. it's that simple.
it feels like quitting smoking. as a former smoker i can say that you've never really kicked the habit until you die. at any day between now and waaaay in the future, she could be gone. today, tomorrow, next month. or this past saturday. but "success", that is, keeping and growing and living a life with her, that success can never be declared until i actually die and can look at her and look back -our- life and say "we did it".
but that was before saturday. the saturday she said she was not going to do it anymore. she said she couldn't compete with my fb. in my mind there never was a competition, but she made it clear that i'd pulled away from our relationship.
now that's been fixed. i broke up with the fb yesterday, told her i couldn't see her anymore. it may very well be a case of too little too late, as far as b's concerned. and i suppose i wouldn't, couldn't blame her if she said goodbye and never turned back again.
i've been slow to understand her when she's told me i was taking things away from our relationship and giving them to my fb. i didn't believe her at the time, didn't see it. i'm seeing it now, but it's likely too little, too late.
in my email to b i told her that i'm not going to point out things to her to show how i'm not distracted anymore. she'll either see in my actions and my words that i'm fully with her again or she won't. if she does, we might be able become again what we've been, or even more. if she doesn't see change, then she'll go (if she hasn't already). period. it's that simple.
it feels like quitting smoking. as a former smoker i can say that you've never really kicked the habit until you die. at any day between now and waaaay in the future, she could be gone. today, tomorrow, next month. or this past saturday. but "success", that is, keeping and growing and living a life with her, that success can never be declared until i actually die and can look at her and look back -our- life and say "we did it".
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
emotional timeline
Wed last, the day before my trip to b's city: excited, anticipatory, nervous.
Thurs: traveling. get near her around 2. excited, anxious, hopeful. when she chooses not to see me, fall a bit.
Fri: by her, then going to see my daughter. increasing bleakness as the minutes and hours pass and she says nothing about meeting. until finally she says no. then she says she'll drive by and we can see each other, so my mood soars. until i realize she didn't drive by. dive, dive, dive. we talk about maybe being in the same bar on saturday night. mood raises.
Sat: she calls in the morning, mood skyrockets. we talk about the possible bar sighting later. mood soars higher. driving back to her city at night, i'm slowly coming down, preparing myself for not seeing her. three tries, 2 places, no her. my mood plummets. someone shows, i think it's her. i'm giddy, excited. positive now that it is her, i'm positively high. she doesn't acknowledge my presence, mood plumets. i know now with 99.99% certainty who she is, mood betters. then i realize "so what?", that knowledge does absolutely nothing for me. still can't call her at work, she still won't confirm my guess, can't mail to her office, can't convince her to meet. mood? yeah, down the toilet.
Sun: travel. mood is very flat. she calls for a couple mins and raises my spirits.
Mon: work. blech. we're pretty good. talk of v-day, how we'll "spend" it, even though not together. a pretty good day. mood is good.
Tues: good morning, good mood. spent time putting together a V-day package for her. nothing big, it's kind of our thing, some chatchkas, things to laugh at. this always makes me happy, to be doing something that i know will make her happy. by afternoon, a black hole. we couldn't have been further apart. complete and total fucked-up-ed-ness was achieved somewhere around 9. by 2 i was fully medicated.
Wed: woke a little late, realized what the state of my life was and went back to sleep. forecast of bleakness with intermittant blackness and hopelessness. hearing of her two dozen red roses added just the right touch of complete helplessness; -he- can do it but -you- (meaning me) can't.
in one week, how can you go from a state of ecstasy where EVERYTHING is right and good and the future is soooo bright and optimistic to the deepest, darkest place you can imagine where there is no future. i guess that's kind of a description of the emotional states of mania, no? or bipolar disorder, kind of? except that that's usually a pendulum back and forth.
this would be more like a long, steep sliding board positioned at the edge of the abyss....
falling, falling, falling
Thurs: traveling. get near her around 2. excited, anxious, hopeful. when she chooses not to see me, fall a bit.
Fri: by her, then going to see my daughter. increasing bleakness as the minutes and hours pass and she says nothing about meeting. until finally she says no. then she says she'll drive by and we can see each other, so my mood soars. until i realize she didn't drive by. dive, dive, dive. we talk about maybe being in the same bar on saturday night. mood raises.
Sat: she calls in the morning, mood skyrockets. we talk about the possible bar sighting later. mood soars higher. driving back to her city at night, i'm slowly coming down, preparing myself for not seeing her. three tries, 2 places, no her. my mood plummets. someone shows, i think it's her. i'm giddy, excited. positive now that it is her, i'm positively high. she doesn't acknowledge my presence, mood plumets. i know now with 99.99% certainty who she is, mood betters. then i realize "so what?", that knowledge does absolutely nothing for me. still can't call her at work, she still won't confirm my guess, can't mail to her office, can't convince her to meet. mood? yeah, down the toilet.
Sun: travel. mood is very flat. she calls for a couple mins and raises my spirits.
Mon: work. blech. we're pretty good. talk of v-day, how we'll "spend" it, even though not together. a pretty good day. mood is good.
Tues: good morning, good mood. spent time putting together a V-day package for her. nothing big, it's kind of our thing, some chatchkas, things to laugh at. this always makes me happy, to be doing something that i know will make her happy. by afternoon, a black hole. we couldn't have been further apart. complete and total fucked-up-ed-ness was achieved somewhere around 9. by 2 i was fully medicated.
Wed: woke a little late, realized what the state of my life was and went back to sleep. forecast of bleakness with intermittant blackness and hopelessness. hearing of her two dozen red roses added just the right touch of complete helplessness; -he- can do it but -you- (meaning me) can't.
in one week, how can you go from a state of ecstasy where EVERYTHING is right and good and the future is soooo bright and optimistic to the deepest, darkest place you can imagine where there is no future. i guess that's kind of a description of the emotional states of mania, no? or bipolar disorder, kind of? except that that's usually a pendulum back and forth.
this would be more like a long, steep sliding board positioned at the edge of the abyss....
falling, falling, falling
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
curses! failed again
just to make sure that she completely thinks i'm not available to her when she needs me, the cosmos staged another incident last night.
apparently she called me about 915 my time from a store, sounding very worried because she couldn't reach him (bf) and she was having trouble breathing.
naturally, i didn't hear the phone ring. i did hear the voicemail beep though.
she sounded worried, upset.
and as she hung up on the message, i could hear the unspoken disappoint in me. yet again. because here she needed me, she called .... and i wasn't there.
apparently she called me about 915 my time from a store, sounding very worried because she couldn't reach him (bf) and she was having trouble breathing.
naturally, i didn't hear the phone ring. i did hear the voicemail beep though.
she sounded worried, upset.
and as she hung up on the message, i could hear the unspoken disappoint in me. yet again. because here she needed me, she called .... and i wasn't there.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
the cut
"you're not the man i thought you were".
myers-briggs? personality types? who needs 'em?
when everything you are can be summed up in one short sentence uttered by the person you care about most, it feels pretty complete, pretty comprehensive.
in the thirty hours since i heard (read) that i've been wondering about it.
i think the most ?favorable? (to me) interpretation is that she thought i was a better man than i've proven to be. so, the statement conveys a huge amount of disappointment, at the very least.
except she called me back later and said that wasn't exactly what she meant to say.
so she might mean that on second thought, i am the man she thought i was. so maybe she's decided i'm not so bad after all. but if that were the case, she'd have wanted to talk, like we always do, no? but she didn't. graciously endured the interruption and when i fumbled around enough and it was obvious she had nothing to say, i said "sorry for the interruption". to which she replied "it's okay". i didn't think anything would hit me like "you're not the man i thought you were" did, but her indifference does.
or, she might mean that i really am the man she thought. just that she never thought that much to begin with.
either way, doesn't matter much, does it? i mean really... whether i failed to live up to high expectations or i only managed to live up to mediocre expectations, neither is exactly a ringing endorsement, is it?
myers-briggs? personality types? who needs 'em?
when everything you are can be summed up in one short sentence uttered by the person you care about most, it feels pretty complete, pretty comprehensive.
in the thirty hours since i heard (read) that i've been wondering about it.
i think the most ?favorable? (to me) interpretation is that she thought i was a better man than i've proven to be. so, the statement conveys a huge amount of disappointment, at the very least.
except she called me back later and said that wasn't exactly what she meant to say.
so she might mean that on second thought, i am the man she thought i was. so maybe she's decided i'm not so bad after all. but if that were the case, she'd have wanted to talk, like we always do, no? but she didn't. graciously endured the interruption and when i fumbled around enough and it was obvious she had nothing to say, i said "sorry for the interruption". to which she replied "it's okay". i didn't think anything would hit me like "you're not the man i thought you were" did, but her indifference does.
or, she might mean that i really am the man she thought. just that she never thought that much to begin with.
either way, doesn't matter much, does it? i mean really... whether i failed to live up to high expectations or i only managed to live up to mediocre expectations, neither is exactly a ringing endorsement, is it?
does tv reflect life?
have ya watched "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip"? it's something rather unusual these days - good television. i predict it won't last because of its smart, intellectual writing.
there's two relationships happening on the show. the first is matthew perry (Chandler from Friends... will he -ever- be anything other than Chandler Bing?) as "matt" and sarah paulson as "harriet". the second is bradley whitford (Josh Lyman from West Wing) and amanda peet as jordan.
a haunting exchange from last nights show between matt and harriet:
perry: i think you can't walk away so you're burning down the house.
harriet: yeah.
perry: all the times i said i love you, all those times, did you think i was lying?
harriet: yeah.
perry: well, that's disappointing.
the other relationship with danny and jordan is simmering but not getting off the ground. he is completely and utterly smitten with jordan (sound familiar?). she has about 6,341 different reasons why he and she shouldn't get together. she fights him constantly. finally she leaves the scene and shortly after he finds a note she wrote him that says "i'm absolutely nuts about you too!" (or close enough). he runs to find her. she's waiting. they talk. they kiss. and finally, two people who belong together will have their turn. isn't fiction great?
there's two relationships happening on the show. the first is matthew perry (Chandler from Friends... will he -ever- be anything other than Chandler Bing?) as "matt" and sarah paulson as "harriet". the second is bradley whitford (Josh Lyman from West Wing) and amanda peet as jordan.
a haunting exchange from last nights show between matt and harriet:
perry: i think you can't walk away so you're burning down the house.
harriet: yeah.
perry: all the times i said i love you, all those times, did you think i was lying?
harriet: yeah.
perry: well, that's disappointing.
the other relationship with danny and jordan is simmering but not getting off the ground. he is completely and utterly smitten with jordan (sound familiar?). she has about 6,341 different reasons why he and she shouldn't get together. she fights him constantly. finally she leaves the scene and shortly after he finds a note she wrote him that says "i'm absolutely nuts about you too!" (or close enough). he runs to find her. she's waiting. they talk. they kiss. and finally, two people who belong together will have their turn. isn't fiction great?
Monday, February 05, 2007
My own worst enemy?
so it would seem..
when i talk, i say things that she thinks mean i'm no longer interested in her.
when i write, i write things that make her think i'm no longer interested in her.
she tells me that when i hold on tightly, it makes her pull away, so i should hold on loosely.
if i would keep my mouth shut and not say anything then maybe i won't push her away.
if i -try- to "have" her or "win" her it'll push her further away.
if i try to see her or find her, since it wouldn't be her idea she'd have no choice but to pull far away.
if i try to convince her to leave or to be with me, or if i try to point things out, reason with her, show her the logical actions that make sense to me, it'll push her away.
so caring for her, loving her, wanting her, talking to her, trying to show her that there's another path in life - all those things are counterproductive and will only increase her distance.
when she's pushed me from her life i should be downright irresistable.
when i talk, i say things that she thinks mean i'm no longer interested in her.
when i write, i write things that make her think i'm no longer interested in her.
she tells me that when i hold on tightly, it makes her pull away, so i should hold on loosely.
if i would keep my mouth shut and not say anything then maybe i won't push her away.
if i -try- to "have" her or "win" her it'll push her further away.
if i try to see her or find her, since it wouldn't be her idea she'd have no choice but to pull far away.
if i try to convince her to leave or to be with me, or if i try to point things out, reason with her, show her the logical actions that make sense to me, it'll push her away.
so caring for her, loving her, wanting her, talking to her, trying to show her that there's another path in life - all those things are counterproductive and will only increase her distance.
when she's pushed me from her life i should be downright irresistable.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
168 hours
168 hours, give or take an hour or two.
and such an incredible difference in the ?importance? we'll each place on that one, two, three hours.
it'll be both ends of the spectrum of experience.
it's a simple yes/no question, really. do you want to have lunch and meet?
if she says no, she'll go home to him, have dinner, watch tv, go to bed.
and for me? i'll go to my hotel, eat, drink, watch tv, go to bed. and then? there is nothing after "no".
one way, everything i want.
the other, nothing.
and such an incredible difference in the ?importance? we'll each place on that one, two, three hours.
it'll be both ends of the spectrum of experience.
it's a simple yes/no question, really. do you want to have lunch and meet?
if she says no, she'll go home to him, have dinner, watch tv, go to bed.
and for me? i'll go to my hotel, eat, drink, watch tv, go to bed. and then? there is nothing after "no".
one way, everything i want.
the other, nothing.
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