we're making progress, i think. i can feel her close. now if i can only work on getting my shit together before she gets completely fed up with me.
yesterday was a strange day. i'm alternately elated at having her -want- to be close and rebuild our relationship, and then instants later i feel totally, completely despondent, hopeless.
but g-d knows i love her. like i've never loved anyone before. like i didn't know it was possible to love a woman. like i've only dreamed it could be. only two steps away from nirvana - her loving me the same way, and then her deciding to be with me.
only two things. one the size of a galaxy, the other the size of the universe.
but i can hope.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
Her To-Do list is full and i'm not on it...
It's well over an hour since she's been (or shoulda been) in the office. Almost three days since we talked...
I've been chomping at the bit since I woke to hear from her, to reconnect.
but i can't stand out in her mind above all the rest of the stuff that wants her attention.
fuck.
reality check.
I've been chomping at the bit since I woke to hear from her, to reconnect.
but i can't stand out in her mind above all the rest of the stuff that wants her attention.
fuck.
reality check.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Life 3, week 1
It happened again. I was -sure-, positive she'd call this weekend. I had a slight feeling it'd be Saturday morning, a very strong feeling in the late afternoon/early evening, and a strong feeling tonight. But no. It was all just wishful thinking.
I'm here in this life now for a week. Everyday has seemed so long, even so hard. B and i are talking pretty often, more than i expected (and always less than i want). and we've had some pretty good talks.
Fridays' talk especially was ?significant?. Not in that it portended anything else for me/us, but we really talked about relationships and her and bf. she's so unhappy, so torn. she knows it and knows what to do about it but she can't bring herself to act.
but we've been talking. and talking frankly and honestly, like two people who are to each other what we are to each other should be talking. i don't know that i help or have anything meaningful to add, but i think if nothing else i'm a safe place for her to vent. i try to be very objective in any kind of suggestion or advice i give and i think i am, for the most part, even though i want her so much, even though i see my soulmate slipping away from me, trying hard to stay with someone else.
Does life ever stop being one of loss? i've lost, time and again, one loss after another, everything, for the last three years. I lost my marriage (yes, my decision, i know) of many years and with that the feeling of family, the sense of belonging (to some degree), a house, a life, my dogs, my daughter. I feel like i've now lost the state that had been my home for 12 years and where i thought i'd live the rest of my life. i've lost the familiarity of the place. the job i'd been working on for 20 months ended. i lost when i tried to make a living at real estate. i lost the gamble and had to take another job. i lost my friend-with-benefits. i lost the familiarity of the routines and the places of that part of my life. i'm here in a new state, a new city, a new job, with practically nothing.
but even worse, i've lost B. from the very beginning, i never doubted that we'd be together. never. while i still have a hope, a wish that that could be true, i have to accept that it's not. she is my love, my -one-, my soulmate. i'll say i've cried myself to sleep every night i've been here, mourning the loss of her. it's not literally true, but i have, every night, thought of it a great deal and it chokes me up and makes my heart so heavy. it makes me hate a world so unfair, so blind to what should be. and yet i know that if it really was so right -for her- that she'd see it. but she doesn't. she acknowledges that it'd be good, but not good enough for her to leave.
and so it's sunday evening; we haven't talked for about 53 hours and won't for another 13 or so. she's spent another weekend with her lover, her partner. they went out, they ate, they drank, they laughed, watched tv together. they had sex, they slept together, woke up together, walked the dog. it's sunday evening and i've spent untold minutes since we last talked thinking about her, wondering what she was doing, whether i'd crossed her thoughts, even for a second. i'll think about her tonight as i go to sleep alone and when i wake up tomorrow. tomorrow i'll watch the clock wondering when she'll think to call, when she'll have a minute.
why couldn't i be the one for her, as she is for me?
i don't know how i can make it through tonight, tomorrow, this week. how do i live another forty years not having her?
I'm here in this life now for a week. Everyday has seemed so long, even so hard. B and i are talking pretty often, more than i expected (and always less than i want). and we've had some pretty good talks.
Fridays' talk especially was ?significant?. Not in that it portended anything else for me/us, but we really talked about relationships and her and bf. she's so unhappy, so torn. she knows it and knows what to do about it but she can't bring herself to act.
but we've been talking. and talking frankly and honestly, like two people who are to each other what we are to each other should be talking. i don't know that i help or have anything meaningful to add, but i think if nothing else i'm a safe place for her to vent. i try to be very objective in any kind of suggestion or advice i give and i think i am, for the most part, even though i want her so much, even though i see my soulmate slipping away from me, trying hard to stay with someone else.
Does life ever stop being one of loss? i've lost, time and again, one loss after another, everything, for the last three years. I lost my marriage (yes, my decision, i know) of many years and with that the feeling of family, the sense of belonging (to some degree), a house, a life, my dogs, my daughter. I feel like i've now lost the state that had been my home for 12 years and where i thought i'd live the rest of my life. i've lost the familiarity of the place. the job i'd been working on for 20 months ended. i lost when i tried to make a living at real estate. i lost the gamble and had to take another job. i lost my friend-with-benefits. i lost the familiarity of the routines and the places of that part of my life. i'm here in a new state, a new city, a new job, with practically nothing.
but even worse, i've lost B. from the very beginning, i never doubted that we'd be together. never. while i still have a hope, a wish that that could be true, i have to accept that it's not. she is my love, my -one-, my soulmate. i'll say i've cried myself to sleep every night i've been here, mourning the loss of her. it's not literally true, but i have, every night, thought of it a great deal and it chokes me up and makes my heart so heavy. it makes me hate a world so unfair, so blind to what should be. and yet i know that if it really was so right -for her- that she'd see it. but she doesn't. she acknowledges that it'd be good, but not good enough for her to leave.
and so it's sunday evening; we haven't talked for about 53 hours and won't for another 13 or so. she's spent another weekend with her lover, her partner. they went out, they ate, they drank, they laughed, watched tv together. they had sex, they slept together, woke up together, walked the dog. it's sunday evening and i've spent untold minutes since we last talked thinking about her, wondering what she was doing, whether i'd crossed her thoughts, even for a second. i'll think about her tonight as i go to sleep alone and when i wake up tomorrow. tomorrow i'll watch the clock wondering when she'll think to call, when she'll have a minute.
why couldn't i be the one for her, as she is for me?
i don't know how i can make it through tonight, tomorrow, this week. how do i live another forty years not having her?
Exercise, week ending 9/3/05
Mon:
bike: 17 mins.
swim: 6 laps
Tues:
bike: 20 mins
swim: 6 laps
Wed:
worked late.
Thurs:
AM Workout!!
bike: 22 mins.
pushups: 10
situps: 5, plus curls? 3 times all i could do (an embarrasingly small number)
Fri:
Sat:
Sun:
bike: 17 mins.
swim: 6 laps
Tues:
bike: 20 mins
swim: 6 laps
Wed:
worked late.
Thurs:
AM Workout!!
bike: 22 mins.
pushups: 10
situps: 5, plus curls? 3 times all i could do (an embarrasingly small number)
Fri:
Sat:
Sun:
Exercise and stuff
So because I'm not studly and athletic and muscular (yet more reasons B won't have me), i've gotta start exercising, doing something.
Wed:
bike 10 mins, about 1.5 miles
swim 5 laps
Thurs:
bike 15 mins about 2.5 miles
swim 5 laps
Fri:
bike 15 mins, 2.5 miles
swim 6 laps
Sat:
moving and such, plenty of exercise!
Sun:
more moving stuff
swim 6 laps
Wed:
bike 10 mins, about 1.5 miles
swim 5 laps
Thurs:
bike 15 mins about 2.5 miles
swim 5 laps
Fri:
bike 15 mins, 2.5 miles
swim 6 laps
Sat:
moving and such, plenty of exercise!
Sun:
more moving stuff
swim 6 laps
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Cut!
I can't do this. I'm not strong enough.
I'm not strong enough to start over. Or to be alone. I don't have the strength to be happy or the energy to be unhappy.
I don't have the strength to watch her be so unhappy in her life and yet be so unwilling to change it. Whether I'm watching her be unhappy or just know that it's so, it'll slowly destroy me. So beautiful, so warm and loving, so giving, her soul has so much to live for, so much to give to the world, to someone special. Why is she so committed to being unhappy with him?
Another day. Another piece of me withers and dies for lack of her.
I'm not strong enough to start over. Or to be alone. I don't have the strength to be happy or the energy to be unhappy.
I don't have the strength to watch her be so unhappy in her life and yet be so unwilling to change it. Whether I'm watching her be unhappy or just know that it's so, it'll slowly destroy me. So beautiful, so warm and loving, so giving, her soul has so much to live for, so much to give to the world, to someone special. Why is she so committed to being unhappy with him?
Another day. Another piece of me withers and dies for lack of her.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Life - take ?3?, day 1
A new city, new state, new job, new place to live. The past falls away and the future looms ahead.
I have no reason to think otherwise, but i'm irrationally afraid that B won't be in my life tomorrow. It's stupid, but still... Then again, I really, really thought we'd be together, in some fashion, by now. Whether that means we'd have met or be lovers or be partners, I'm not sure, but I really thought we'd be together by now. Instead, I'm having to accept the likelihood of a future where I never see her, never know her, never hold her. No matter what possibilities the future may bring, never having her makes it so bleak.
Yet in a way I'm anxious for tomorrow to get here. Getting to this point has taken so long, the last few weeks have dragged on interminably slowly. On the other hand, what do I care if tomorrow ever gets here? I still won't have B any closer to me, still won't ever feel her breath on my face, hear her sigh in my ear, feel her kiss on my face. I suppose this is what someone who wakes up after an accident to find they're paralyzed feels like; another day's bittersweet dawn.
I suppose that as the months wear on and the finality, the reality of our never meeting sinks in it'll hurt less, the sense of overwhelming loss will somehow lessen, although it's hard to imagine that that could or will happen.
If only she would see me. If only she were a little bit stronger she'd be able to leave. If only she'd put her happiness, put the importance of the whole rest of her life ahead of his feelings. If only this were more to her. If only, if only, if only.
But it's not.
So she's in the life she won't leave, not living a life she wants. And I'm here living a life I don't want, would leave without hesitation.
And neither of us really has what we want.
I have no reason to think otherwise, but i'm irrationally afraid that B won't be in my life tomorrow. It's stupid, but still... Then again, I really, really thought we'd be together, in some fashion, by now. Whether that means we'd have met or be lovers or be partners, I'm not sure, but I really thought we'd be together by now. Instead, I'm having to accept the likelihood of a future where I never see her, never know her, never hold her. No matter what possibilities the future may bring, never having her makes it so bleak.
Yet in a way I'm anxious for tomorrow to get here. Getting to this point has taken so long, the last few weeks have dragged on interminably slowly. On the other hand, what do I care if tomorrow ever gets here? I still won't have B any closer to me, still won't ever feel her breath on my face, hear her sigh in my ear, feel her kiss on my face. I suppose this is what someone who wakes up after an accident to find they're paralyzed feels like; another day's bittersweet dawn.
I suppose that as the months wear on and the finality, the reality of our never meeting sinks in it'll hurt less, the sense of overwhelming loss will somehow lessen, although it's hard to imagine that that could or will happen.
If only she would see me. If only she were a little bit stronger she'd be able to leave. If only she'd put her happiness, put the importance of the whole rest of her life ahead of his feelings. If only this were more to her. If only, if only, if only.
But it's not.
So she's in the life she won't leave, not living a life she wants. And I'm here living a life I don't want, would leave without hesitation.
And neither of us really has what we want.
Friday, August 12, 2005
certainty. uncertainty.
B said something to me today that really scared/bothered me. She said "you really don't know me anymore, do you?" Iin chat i'd said to her "I hate weekends". I said that because it's gotten to the point where I really do hate weekends - because it's 2 days of not talking to her, of being completely unable to contact her. Ever since we've been unable to talk on the weekends, i've enjoyed them less and less and I hate their approach. I like friday afternoons because we often get some time to talk. I hate friday afternoons because as every second ticks by I know that our time is evaporating and that soon she'll be gone again for another intolerably long weekend.
Anyway, she responded "me too". This was in chat, while we were also on the phone. I said "but for different reasons", which is when she said I don't really know her anymore. What were my thoughts? I know that being away from her is why I hate the weekends. My first thought was a ?hope? that she hated them for the same reason - because we're out of touch. But I don't know. My next thought was that she doesn't like all the time to be with bf. But that seems self-aggrandizing to me; she wants to be there. Not with him, I don't think, even though she admits to loving him, but I think she just wants that -life-, the comforts, the familiarity, the routines.
I thought I knew what she wanted. I thought she wanted me, wanted to see me, to be lovers and even more. I thought she was on the verge of it, on the verge of meeting, even fed up enough at home to be ready to leave. But then it seemed as though she'd decided not to see me, decided that she couldn't (and wouldn't) leave him even though she wasn't getting what she wanted there, seemed as though she just became resigned to living an empty life there, not getting the emotional, intellectual or physical stimulation she wants.
If that's the truth, then I have to think i'm wrong in what I think are her thoughts, wants and feelings, don't I? And the hurt, the pain, the emptiness of not having her becomes too much.
But what if I'm right? what if what i think are her thoughts really are her thoughts, wants, wishes? what if all along i've been right? what if she really does want me but just can't get to that point in her head yet, can't take the actions required to get us together?
and what if i'm wrong?
Thursday, August 11, 2005
call me insane
I try. I try to keep it together because the last thing sehe needds is to have any more stress from my shit.
She keeps apologizing to me. Fuck. She has nothing to apologize for,,why does she think she does? She's my angel, my love and all i do is create more stress for her, put more pressure into her life.
She thinks i'm disappointed in her, when nothing could be further from the truth. I'm disappointed, yes. But what I'm disappointed in is that her dreams aren't my dreasm. I dreamed of her, of us together, of closenes and intemacy and times spent together. I hoped that those were her dreams too, and they were. Just that the recipient of her hopes and wishes isn't me. It's him. I'm one end of the classic love triangel, but not the end that she's facing. he gets that position.
and tonight my daughter cancelled our get together. i drove 1000 miles to see her. i haven't seen her in ?3 months?. but she had other things to do.
so the two women in my life who mean more to me than anything don't want me. at least, not the way i want them. my daughter loves me, i'm sure. but it's ?too painful? to have me around, i guess. B loves me, I'm sure of it. But it's too painful to have me because to do so she'd have to give up things she doesnt' want to give up.
i know i've lost. i nkow she's -there- and that here with me is not where she is or is going to be. i should give up, stop making her feel any pressure, let her know that she should be where she wants to be, that it's okay, that it's her life and she deserves to be happy. i ffel like i giving up. liek i should stop interfereing in her life.
but how do you do that? when you've found her, found the one, how do you accept that she's what you've searched for all your life, but that you're not what she's searched for? it's like king arthur pulling the sword from the stone and vanquishing all the evil from the empire, only to have the queen say "but you're not the one".
They say that the definition of "insane" is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
Call me insane.
I can't stop.
If there's a one in a billion, one in a trillion chance that -someday- she might have me, how can i do anything but be here?
I love her.
She keeps apologizing to me. Fuck. She has nothing to apologize for,,why does she think she does? She's my angel, my love and all i do is create more stress for her, put more pressure into her life.
She thinks i'm disappointed in her, when nothing could be further from the truth. I'm disappointed, yes. But what I'm disappointed in is that her dreams aren't my dreasm. I dreamed of her, of us together, of closenes and intemacy and times spent together. I hoped that those were her dreams too, and they were. Just that the recipient of her hopes and wishes isn't me. It's him. I'm one end of the classic love triangel, but not the end that she's facing. he gets that position.
and tonight my daughter cancelled our get together. i drove 1000 miles to see her. i haven't seen her in ?3 months?. but she had other things to do.
so the two women in my life who mean more to me than anything don't want me. at least, not the way i want them. my daughter loves me, i'm sure. but it's ?too painful? to have me around, i guess. B loves me, I'm sure of it. But it's too painful to have me because to do so she'd have to give up things she doesnt' want to give up.
i know i've lost. i nkow she's -there- and that here with me is not where she is or is going to be. i should give up, stop making her feel any pressure, let her know that she should be where she wants to be, that it's okay, that it's her life and she deserves to be happy. i ffel like i giving up. liek i should stop interfereing in her life.
but how do you do that? when you've found her, found the one, how do you accept that she's what you've searched for all your life, but that you're not what she's searched for? it's like king arthur pulling the sword from the stone and vanquishing all the evil from the empire, only to have the queen say "but you're not the one".
They say that the definition of "insane" is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
Call me insane.
I can't stop.
If there's a one in a billion, one in a trillion chance that -someday- she might have me, how can i do anything but be here?
I love her.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
and today... nothing
And today, nothing. No contact.
Is she okay? Or is she just "done"?
Is this a test? Maybe she's fed up with me.
Maybe she's sick.
I know she's busy, she's always busy. But she's always found time to IM or a quick call hello.
Is she telling me that this is the way it's going to be from now on?
What do I do?
Is she okay? Or is she just "done"?
Is this a test? Maybe she's fed up with me.
Maybe she's sick.
I know she's busy, she's always busy. But she's always found time to IM or a quick call hello.
Is she telling me that this is the way it's going to be from now on?
What do I do?
Now what?
I've finally done it. I've pushed her and pressured her for two years, even though she's told me time and again that she can't give me anything she hasn't promised and she's never promised to meet me. It's all but carved in stone now that that won't happen.
It's like being notified that instead of winning the lottery, you've been disqualified from ever playing again.
It's really kinda bizarre because instead of crying and drowning in my own self-induced misery (not that many sleepless hours last weekend weren't spent that way), instead I'm just feeling kinda numb about it. I'm scared of what'll happen when the reality of it really hits me. It feels like I have to eat every meal for the rest of my life with a spork; I'll get enough to get a taste and to live, but never be satisfied, never really enjoy the whole meal.
I'll never get to meet her. Kiss her. Hold her. Hear her laugh. Make love to her. Fuck her. Tie her up. Shower with her. Take her to a bar. Never get to eat pizza with her. Never watch her wake up. Never watch her step back and look at the flowers she's just planted. Never comfort her when she's sick or worried or tired.
I have wanted her almost from the very first time we spoke. It's all I've wanted. She's all I've wanted.
I can't believe that I'll never see her. The fullness of life that I thought lay ahead of me was a mirage, now shimmered away to nothingness.
The real shame, my shame, is that I've hurt her life. She's feeling lost and confused. She was lost and searching for something when we met. Together I thought we'd both looked for and found things we were looking for. I thought -I- helped her. I thought -I- was one of the things she was searching for.
If she can keep me in her life as her friend, now that my pressuring her to meet is gone, perhaps now I can really be a friend to her. All I have to do is to help her rebuild her relationship with the man that she loves too much to leave. Sounds silly, but she loves him too much to cheat on him with me, yet she's not really happy there. So I can try to help her live a life she's not happy with, or if she comes to the decision herself, help her be strong enough to leave him and find someone else. It just won't be me.
What do I do with all this love and desire for her that I still have inside? I don't think she'll even let me tell her I love her.
It's like being notified that instead of winning the lottery, you've been disqualified from ever playing again.
It's really kinda bizarre because instead of crying and drowning in my own self-induced misery (not that many sleepless hours last weekend weren't spent that way), instead I'm just feeling kinda numb about it. I'm scared of what'll happen when the reality of it really hits me. It feels like I have to eat every meal for the rest of my life with a spork; I'll get enough to get a taste and to live, but never be satisfied, never really enjoy the whole meal.
I'll never get to meet her. Kiss her. Hold her. Hear her laugh. Make love to her. Fuck her. Tie her up. Shower with her. Take her to a bar. Never get to eat pizza with her. Never watch her wake up. Never watch her step back and look at the flowers she's just planted. Never comfort her when she's sick or worried or tired.
I have wanted her almost from the very first time we spoke. It's all I've wanted. She's all I've wanted.
I can't believe that I'll never see her. The fullness of life that I thought lay ahead of me was a mirage, now shimmered away to nothingness.
The real shame, my shame, is that I've hurt her life. She's feeling lost and confused. She was lost and searching for something when we met. Together I thought we'd both looked for and found things we were looking for. I thought -I- helped her. I thought -I- was one of the things she was searching for.
If she can keep me in her life as her friend, now that my pressuring her to meet is gone, perhaps now I can really be a friend to her. All I have to do is to help her rebuild her relationship with the man that she loves too much to leave. Sounds silly, but she loves him too much to cheat on him with me, yet she's not really happy there. So I can try to help her live a life she's not happy with, or if she comes to the decision herself, help her be strong enough to leave him and find someone else. It just won't be me.
What do I do with all this love and desire for her that I still have inside? I don't think she'll even let me tell her I love her.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Some thoughts...
She's back. She's been away on business travel for a few days and out of touch.
But she's back. It's great to hear her voice again.
Something feels different though. It could be my imagination, it could be her normal slight closed off-ness after being outta touch for a while. It could be that she and bf had a great time (yeah, he fucking went with her) together and she's feeling very close to him. It could just be my paranoia.
And in another coincidence, the other woman was out of the office for 3 days too. Also in San Antonio.
----------
She called me Friday night, late. Told me her life was "empty". An empty shell, that it looked great from the outside but that inside there was nothing. She said she'd left. More like just had to get out, because she didn't take clothes or anything and was going back. We had a few brief moments to talk, maybe 10 minutes total over 3 calls. She never really elaborated much beyond that. When she had to quickly go just a couple of minutes into the third call, I had a feeling that was the last call.
Late Saturday she called and left me a message (I -just- missed getting the phone). She said she wanted to see if I was okay, that she was fine. FINE? She tells me her life is empty and 22 hours later tells me she's "fine"?? What the fuck is that?
She also said she wouldn't have a chance to call me the next day. How could she know that? Was she just telling me that so she wouldn't have to think about it? So there'd be no ?expectation? on her to call? Her tomorrow became so planned out that she KNEW she wouldn't have 5 minutes to make a quick call? Does that mean that if an opportunity presented itself she wouldn't take it?
--------
I have a job offer, finally. I'm actually waiting on another one, for a lot more money though, that may come today or tomorrow. If not, guess I'll have to take the one. Both are in other cities/states. I knew that would happen, as there's just no work here. Both put me much further away from B. That bothered me a lot, because I thought (probably just my over active imagination) that we were close to meeting and I'd hoped to find a job within driving distance of her. Neither of these are. She says it doesn't matter - six hours driving or six hours flying, what's the difference. She says the distance between us has no effect. I'm beginning to believe (accept?) that the physical distance doesn't make a difference.
I don't think she's going to meet me.
I don't think she's going to leave him, either. I think she's surrendered her future, given up the life she wants to have for the comforts of the life she has now. That makes me so sad.
----------
For the second time in four months, I feel like everything's coming at me at once, too many things to handle. I have to sell a duplex a friend bought because I suggested it. He doesn't live here so I've been handling the property. Had a sale and if just fell through. Have to sell a property that my friend-with-benefits bought as an investment/flip. Was hoping that would sell before I left but it doesn't look like it. Have to move to a new state. Have to try to get home to see my daughter. Have to leave here, which even though I don't really like this city/state, I have lived here almost two years and it's familiar if nothing else. Have to leave my friend-with-benefits. Have to give up sex - it may be months or more before I see another woman in my bed... assuming I can even meet one. Have to start a job. Have to pack and move all my shit (not that it's so much, but still...).
I feel like there's so much I have to do. So much I should be doing. And I can't do anything, it's like I'm paralyzed. Caught in the headlights.
All that would be enough. All that makes me feel like I'm boxed in, surrounded by thugs coming to beat me to a pulp.
And on top of it all, I feel like B is slipping away from me, like I'm losing her.
While I feel like there's no way I can handle everything, I know that one day at a time, I'll get by.
But losing her.... I don't know if I can handle that. But I don't really have a choice, don't have any say in it. It's all her decision.
He wins.
I lose.
But she's back. It's great to hear her voice again.
Something feels different though. It could be my imagination, it could be her normal slight closed off-ness after being outta touch for a while. It could be that she and bf had a great time (yeah, he fucking went with her) together and she's feeling very close to him. It could just be my paranoia.
And in another coincidence, the other woman was out of the office for 3 days too. Also in San Antonio.
----------
She called me Friday night, late. Told me her life was "empty". An empty shell, that it looked great from the outside but that inside there was nothing. She said she'd left. More like just had to get out, because she didn't take clothes or anything and was going back. We had a few brief moments to talk, maybe 10 minutes total over 3 calls. She never really elaborated much beyond that. When she had to quickly go just a couple of minutes into the third call, I had a feeling that was the last call.
Late Saturday she called and left me a message (I -just- missed getting the phone). She said she wanted to see if I was okay, that she was fine. FINE? She tells me her life is empty and 22 hours later tells me she's "fine"?? What the fuck is that?
She also said she wouldn't have a chance to call me the next day. How could she know that? Was she just telling me that so she wouldn't have to think about it? So there'd be no ?expectation? on her to call? Her tomorrow became so planned out that she KNEW she wouldn't have 5 minutes to make a quick call? Does that mean that if an opportunity presented itself she wouldn't take it?
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I have a job offer, finally. I'm actually waiting on another one, for a lot more money though, that may come today or tomorrow. If not, guess I'll have to take the one. Both are in other cities/states. I knew that would happen, as there's just no work here. Both put me much further away from B. That bothered me a lot, because I thought (probably just my over active imagination) that we were close to meeting and I'd hoped to find a job within driving distance of her. Neither of these are. She says it doesn't matter - six hours driving or six hours flying, what's the difference. She says the distance between us has no effect. I'm beginning to believe (accept?) that the physical distance doesn't make a difference.
I don't think she's going to meet me.
I don't think she's going to leave him, either. I think she's surrendered her future, given up the life she wants to have for the comforts of the life she has now. That makes me so sad.
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For the second time in four months, I feel like everything's coming at me at once, too many things to handle. I have to sell a duplex a friend bought because I suggested it. He doesn't live here so I've been handling the property. Had a sale and if just fell through. Have to sell a property that my friend-with-benefits bought as an investment/flip. Was hoping that would sell before I left but it doesn't look like it. Have to move to a new state. Have to try to get home to see my daughter. Have to leave here, which even though I don't really like this city/state, I have lived here almost two years and it's familiar if nothing else. Have to leave my friend-with-benefits. Have to give up sex - it may be months or more before I see another woman in my bed... assuming I can even meet one. Have to start a job. Have to pack and move all my shit (not that it's so much, but still...).
I feel like there's so much I have to do. So much I should be doing. And I can't do anything, it's like I'm paralyzed. Caught in the headlights.
All that would be enough. All that makes me feel like I'm boxed in, surrounded by thugs coming to beat me to a pulp.
And on top of it all, I feel like B is slipping away from me, like I'm losing her.
While I feel like there's no way I can handle everything, I know that one day at a time, I'll get by.
But losing her.... I don't know if I can handle that. But I don't really have a choice, don't have any say in it. It's all her decision.
He wins.
I lose.
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