my B had a special day recently... her birthday. i'd told her that bf and -him- were undoubtedly planning something "special" for her... a gangbang, an orgy, a train, a bukkake party, something of that sort. at the very least, a night of the two of them fucking the shit out of her.
she denied it, didn't think they'd do that without her consent, and given that she's been turning them down lately, she didn't think it likely. however, when pressed, she said she was "80% sure" that they weren't planning anything for her.
fuck.
i hate being right.
turns out, they did plan something for her. something very special. something that gives a very good indication of just how far she's been able to bring bf along as she's let the slut out. way back when, at her first gangbang, he had trouble with six guys fucking her.
not so much anymore.
bf and him planned quite the party. when bf drove up in front of the building, late that evening, she asked what was up. he smiled at her and said he had a surprise for her. when pressed, he told her.
what they'd arranged was something that she's very, very fond of. something she -loves- very much. she's a slut and she loves being used, taken, passed around. she loves being just the fuck holes (all three of them) for anyone who'll fuck her.
bf told her: there were between 20 and 40 people in the closed, off-hours bar. a regular party, you might think, right? no, not quite. yes, it was to be a party... and she, B, was to be the party favor. she, and her holes, were to be at the use and disposal of every man and woman at the party. any guy who wanted to fuck any hole? she'd not only be -expected- to give it up to him, but she willingly, gladly, eagerly would. and woman who wanted B to lick her cunt until she came, or fuck B with a strap on? B would eagerly, happily, willingly comply.
she's been a party favor several times, the "entertainment" at a party. she's been the serving cunt at a group of guys watching sports. she served them beer, snacks, food and blowjobs. when she wasn't fetching food or drink, she was on her knees sucking somebody's cock. the first time was with -him-. after she fully integrated -him- into her life/marriage with bf, she got bf to buy into the idea and then he'd arrange similar parties, where she, my B, was nothing more than the cunt, the ass, the mouth and the serving bitch for the men and women at the party. and, since she is, through and through a slut, she loved and loves it.
she didn't go into the party with bf last weekend, out of respect for the time that she and i have been spending together. instead, she blew bf in the car, took him around back and fucked him, then took him home and, in her words, gave him a damn good fucking.
she did lash out at me though, and let me know that she's been giving up "some seriously good fun", some "damn good fucking" for me. she let me know, in no uncertain terms, that she missed being used and fucked by a room full of men and women, that she seriously wanted and missed being used like a slut, like the entertainment, like a party favor.
here's the really confusing part for me. i know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that she can (and has) fuck 30 men at a time.. can easily, readily and happily be used by 40 men and women in a room, sucking cock, licking pussy, giving up her ass to anyone who wants it. the confusing part is that it kills me, rips me apart at the very seams, that she can tell me this, proudly, and tell me that she misses it, wishes she'd done it. as much as that knowlege kills me? if she was with me, i'd happily set up the same situations for her. if she was my cunt, i'd LOVE watching her slut herself out to a room full of men and women, would LOVE watching her be used by 30 guys, fucked in every hole, passed around from hand to hand. the difference is it's been with -him-, the fucker. if it was with me, i'd be reveling in the scene, proud as proud could be of my slut. instead, every word of her story rips me apart.
my B, my love - party favor. entertainment at a party. slut/cunt/whore/holes to be used by anyone who happens to be in line.
and i love her.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
the FUCK was i thinking?
we all have our particular skills and talents, don't we?
mine seems to be hurting B, pushing her away, pissing her off.
drawing her close, getting her to want me, want to see me isn't one of them.
convincing her to do something she is dead set against doing certainly isn't one of 'em.
and the thing is? what the FUCK was i thinking?
she's traveling in the near future. just a couple days, but it's without bf. now, over the course of our relationship, there's been three, maybe four times when she's been apart from bf for a night. on two of those, -he- got to go to her house and spend the night fucking her. -him- and who knows how many others. so here comes the fourth time she'll be apart from bf, for an overnight, in the almost six years we've known each other.
she wasn't able to see me before i left our state for this job. she hasn't even let me see her, in any new pictures or on skype. yet there was a possibility, she even said so, that she might have me meet her when she traveled.
so the time is drawing near. i've already arranged a day off from my new job. last night we talked about it again. she can't do it. can't stand the thought of seeing me. it disgusts her. and here's the (not so) funny part: i got mad at her. i explained how rare an opportunity this is; she knows. i told her i didn't expect any fucking, just talking; she knows. i explained how great it'd be for us to be able to sit and talk and see each other for all that time, be in the same room, be away from everything else, in a neutral place; she knows.
she also knows she doesn't want to see me. can't see me.
which brings me back to my original question: what the fuck was i thinking? she won't even let me see a new -PICTURE- of her, won't let me see her on grainy, broken, shitty voip video.
but somehow i thought she'd want to see me in PERSON?
self delusion is a powerful thing.
mine seems to be hurting B, pushing her away, pissing her off.
drawing her close, getting her to want me, want to see me isn't one of them.
convincing her to do something she is dead set against doing certainly isn't one of 'em.
and the thing is? what the FUCK was i thinking?
she's traveling in the near future. just a couple days, but it's without bf. now, over the course of our relationship, there's been three, maybe four times when she's been apart from bf for a night. on two of those, -he- got to go to her house and spend the night fucking her. -him- and who knows how many others. so here comes the fourth time she'll be apart from bf, for an overnight, in the almost six years we've known each other.
she wasn't able to see me before i left our state for this job. she hasn't even let me see her, in any new pictures or on skype. yet there was a possibility, she even said so, that she might have me meet her when she traveled.
so the time is drawing near. i've already arranged a day off from my new job. last night we talked about it again. she can't do it. can't stand the thought of seeing me. it disgusts her. and here's the (not so) funny part: i got mad at her. i explained how rare an opportunity this is; she knows. i told her i didn't expect any fucking, just talking; she knows. i explained how great it'd be for us to be able to sit and talk and see each other for all that time, be in the same room, be away from everything else, in a neutral place; she knows.
she also knows she doesn't want to see me. can't see me.
which brings me back to my original question: what the fuck was i thinking? she won't even let me see a new -PICTURE- of her, won't let me see her on grainy, broken, shitty voip video.
but somehow i thought she'd want to see me in PERSON?
self delusion is a powerful thing.
Friday, February 20, 2009
what now?
the last few days have been tough. they've also been, in many ways, exceptional days....
where to start?
upheaval. there's been plenty of that. i got a job in another city. so i've packed up and left her (our) state and driven for two days to get to a new location. unfortunately a new location only about a three hour drive from the whore. you can imagine how happy that makes B.
just twelve hours before hitting the road i was seriously considering not taking the job for several reasons. first and foremost - it puts B and i so far apart. geographically far apart - hopefully not mentally and emotionally, but i'm not sure. sometimes i think B is sad that i'm going to be farther away (she's said she likes having me close by) and other times i think she's ?relieved?. talking about my reluctance to move away and to be so far away, she's said many times "it's only a job, you can leave whenever you want, even if you're only there for a couple months, if/when i'm ready i'll tell you and you can leave then".
emotion. there's certainly been plenty of that, both soaring high and sinking deep. we've had some amazingly close and intimate (not phone sex) talks recently - reminiscent of our earlier days but even more than that. these were talks where everything else faded away, nothing intruded on us. during those times, there -was- nothing else. only her and i. only the sound of her voice, only the feel of her soul connecting with mine.
there've also been some depressing, crushing, devastating talks too. not arguments, but where we were both just kicking each other in the (emotional) teeth. lashing out, venting, saying things that we knew were mean and hurtful and not necessary... but we both have -so- much hurt and pain inside us, sometimes we both feel so unheard, so not understood by the other that it's difficult to reign in that emotion, to put the hurt down rather than picking it up and shoving it onto the other. yes, sometimes lashing out in anger can make you feel a tiny bit better but in the final analysis it doesn't really help because later you feel more of your own hurt simply because you lashed out at the other. not only that but digging up that hurt gives it more power again and you feel that again. and again. and again. and how bad do you feel for intentionally hurting the one person who means so much to you?
dismay. B and i have always been sexual with and to each other; it's how we started, how we so deeply connected and it's always been a part of our foundation. i've known she's been being the sexual person that she's known herself to be (even though she hadn't previously let that slut out) since and during the times we've been apart, not together. she's always downplayed it and i've always thought it was not only more than she let on, but feared that it was even more than my wildest (worst) dreams. turns out i was right. the numbers aren't important, because they don't really convey an accurate portrayal of her without knowing her and the rest of the story. let's just say that she doesn't consider less than ten guys a gangbang. and there have been dozens of gangbangs. while that may seem... ?shocking? it's not. not to me (although it hurts) and not if you knew who she was. the really hurtful part of her activities is that she's always said they're "distractions" to get her mind off of the pain of my rejections. distractions? no baby, taking a few lovers on the side is distraction. burying yourself in a hobby or work is distraction. this is... commitment. while i wish i didn't know the extent of her activities (and what i know is only what i could drag out of her), i'm glad i do. even though the extent of them is hurtful to me, it's also some small relief because i know her and i know that this B, the slut who asks her bf and her lover to arrange for 30 guys to come over and use her, pass her around, is part of the amazingly sexual B that i know. and love. and to be honest, if B and i were together, i'd be doing the same thing, arranging the same gangbangs for her so that -i- could watch with love and pride and lust as the woman that i loved lost herself with abandon to her lust. i truly wish i could be the one that she looks over at as she's getting fucked by the 26th guy of the night, as she cums for the 100th time. i wish that was me, not bf and not that fucker -him-.
desire. my desire for B has grown exponentially over that past few weeks. not grown, really, because it's always been there, always been all consuming, overwhelming, endless. but when we're not together, during those times when i've left her (g-d how is that even possible?), it's had to be reigned in, put away, lest it's power and the pain of knowing i'll never have her destroy me completely. but in the ?six? weeks since she called me that monday night, it's been growing. i feel it in the warmth that spreads over me when i hear her voice for the first time in the morning. i see its hold on me when i wake from yet another sexual dream about her. i feel it's strength when i beat off to thoughts of her and the intensity of my orgasm makes my eyes roll back in my head. i can feel its power when as we're having a normal conversation, thoughts of turning the conversation to sex, thoughts of verbally seducing her and taking her so that together we can find and touch each other and to hear her. after so long without it, to hear her lust take her over, hear her desire in her moans and in the way her voice softens and deepens, to hear her cum over and over. even now, at 430 in the morning, after drinking myself stupid and passing out at 11 or so, just these thoughts of her have me hard and hungry for her. her skype account is still signed on (from home) but "away" - i want to call her just in the hope that she's up and would answer - just to hear her voice, to hope that she'd want to phone fuck. but i can't call - if she is logged on, the computer might make noise and bf might find out. so again, i'm left powerless, unable to contact her, unable to fulfill my desire for her.
confusion. i know how i feel about B. i have no doubts of what she means to me. (please don't ask me to explain then how i could leave and hurt her three times - i don't have an answer.) i know that were she to call me this morning and say she's changed her mind, she wants to start us now and to please don't take this job and come home to her - that i'd be in the car within minutes, starting that long drive back to her. it's where i belong. it's where i should be. -she- is my home. i also know, deep in my heart and without reservation, that she loves me. that she loves me as deeply and as completely as i do her. i also know that she wants to be together, wants the life that we were destined to have (and damn me to hell, that we'd have been starting right now) as much as i do. so you can imagine how confusing it is to me to know all that, to tell her that i should come there, that we should heal her -together-, plead with her to let us start our lives together and to hear her say, repeatedly, "i can't". those two small words destroy me, probably much like i've destroyed her heart repeatedly. they paralyze me, knock the wind out of me, immobilize me. how can she -not-??? on my side of us, i know that we're -there-, we are right now within 4 days of starting our life together. but she can't. and that speaks volumes about the depth of the hurt that i've caused her. she too knows that we could start within 4 days. but her scars are so deep and so painful and so raw that she won't even let me see a picture of her or see her on skype. hurts so overwhelming that she can't stand the thought of seeing me in person, much less of actually being together as an "us".
and so i sit here, in a strange hotel in a strange city at 5 in the morning, days away from starting a new job and i ponder the future. i thought i had a pretty good outline of how the next year and then the rest of our lives would go. but during our conversation last night i learned that i need to rethink it. she's said many times that she needs time, that it won't be quick, if it happens at all. because she's also said several times that i "could leave there in a couple months", i've sort of latched onto that timeframe as an indication of how long i'd be here, of how long it might be until she -is- ready and able to start us. but she corrected me last night; pointed out that this time was worse and would take longer to recover from than the first time - and that took nine months. so i have to prepare myself to wait as much as (or even longer than) a year. a year; g-d. we could've been together by our fifth anniversary, july of' 08, were gonna be together for our sixth anniversary this year. if we manage to get together, hopefully it'll be by our seventh, in 2010. besides all the other things that i regret... i'd really thought and hoped that we'd be able to celebrate her 40th birthday together. but we won't - because of me.
and so the things that i have to go through this year, besides a new job in a new city, i'll have to do without having B by my side. it would've been a tough year -with- her; while i'll still have her support, it'll be long distance. she'll still only be available when she's available - days, an occasional evening and for a short time on the occasional saturday. she won't be there when i get home, won't be there when i wake, won't be reachable by phone whenever i need her. without her? this year will be a test. a year of job, move, significant legal and financial issues. a year of knowing that anytime i have any kind of sex, she'll be forced to distract herself with everything that she can do in the same period. think about that.... if i were to pick up a woman in a bar and fuck her once, B will take a weekend and have her bf and her lover arrange a gangbang, a swing club visit, an overnight threesome; she could easily fuck 40 guys in a weekend. and that's only what i can be sure of and know for a fact. she doesn't believe what i tell her now, so undoubtedly there'll be many weeks/weekends when she'll be having all that simply because she thinks i'm having sex and lying to her about it. or just because she wants to.
i imagine a "reasonable person" would read this and think "what the fuck?". i can see that. but that person doesn't know the B that i know. they don't know what it's like when she opens her heart and soul to me and beckons me to her. they don't know the richness and the feeling of finally being complete when you mesh so completely with another person - with your soulmate.
that's what she is, truly - my soulmate.
where to start?
upheaval. there's been plenty of that. i got a job in another city. so i've packed up and left her (our) state and driven for two days to get to a new location. unfortunately a new location only about a three hour drive from the whore. you can imagine how happy that makes B.
just twelve hours before hitting the road i was seriously considering not taking the job for several reasons. first and foremost - it puts B and i so far apart. geographically far apart - hopefully not mentally and emotionally, but i'm not sure. sometimes i think B is sad that i'm going to be farther away (she's said she likes having me close by) and other times i think she's ?relieved?. talking about my reluctance to move away and to be so far away, she's said many times "it's only a job, you can leave whenever you want, even if you're only there for a couple months, if/when i'm ready i'll tell you and you can leave then".
emotion. there's certainly been plenty of that, both soaring high and sinking deep. we've had some amazingly close and intimate (not phone sex) talks recently - reminiscent of our earlier days but even more than that. these were talks where everything else faded away, nothing intruded on us. during those times, there -was- nothing else. only her and i. only the sound of her voice, only the feel of her soul connecting with mine.
there've also been some depressing, crushing, devastating talks too. not arguments, but where we were both just kicking each other in the (emotional) teeth. lashing out, venting, saying things that we knew were mean and hurtful and not necessary... but we both have -so- much hurt and pain inside us, sometimes we both feel so unheard, so not understood by the other that it's difficult to reign in that emotion, to put the hurt down rather than picking it up and shoving it onto the other. yes, sometimes lashing out in anger can make you feel a tiny bit better but in the final analysis it doesn't really help because later you feel more of your own hurt simply because you lashed out at the other. not only that but digging up that hurt gives it more power again and you feel that again. and again. and again. and how bad do you feel for intentionally hurting the one person who means so much to you?
dismay. B and i have always been sexual with and to each other; it's how we started, how we so deeply connected and it's always been a part of our foundation. i've known she's been being the sexual person that she's known herself to be (even though she hadn't previously let that slut out) since and during the times we've been apart, not together. she's always downplayed it and i've always thought it was not only more than she let on, but feared that it was even more than my wildest (worst) dreams. turns out i was right. the numbers aren't important, because they don't really convey an accurate portrayal of her without knowing her and the rest of the story. let's just say that she doesn't consider less than ten guys a gangbang. and there have been dozens of gangbangs. while that may seem... ?shocking? it's not. not to me (although it hurts) and not if you knew who she was. the really hurtful part of her activities is that she's always said they're "distractions" to get her mind off of the pain of my rejections. distractions? no baby, taking a few lovers on the side is distraction. burying yourself in a hobby or work is distraction. this is... commitment. while i wish i didn't know the extent of her activities (and what i know is only what i could drag out of her), i'm glad i do. even though the extent of them is hurtful to me, it's also some small relief because i know her and i know that this B, the slut who asks her bf and her lover to arrange for 30 guys to come over and use her, pass her around, is part of the amazingly sexual B that i know. and love. and to be honest, if B and i were together, i'd be doing the same thing, arranging the same gangbangs for her so that -i- could watch with love and pride and lust as the woman that i loved lost herself with abandon to her lust. i truly wish i could be the one that she looks over at as she's getting fucked by the 26th guy of the night, as she cums for the 100th time. i wish that was me, not bf and not that fucker -him-.
desire. my desire for B has grown exponentially over that past few weeks. not grown, really, because it's always been there, always been all consuming, overwhelming, endless. but when we're not together, during those times when i've left her (g-d how is that even possible?), it's had to be reigned in, put away, lest it's power and the pain of knowing i'll never have her destroy me completely. but in the ?six? weeks since she called me that monday night, it's been growing. i feel it in the warmth that spreads over me when i hear her voice for the first time in the morning. i see its hold on me when i wake from yet another sexual dream about her. i feel it's strength when i beat off to thoughts of her and the intensity of my orgasm makes my eyes roll back in my head. i can feel its power when as we're having a normal conversation, thoughts of turning the conversation to sex, thoughts of verbally seducing her and taking her so that together we can find and touch each other and to hear her. after so long without it, to hear her lust take her over, hear her desire in her moans and in the way her voice softens and deepens, to hear her cum over and over. even now, at 430 in the morning, after drinking myself stupid and passing out at 11 or so, just these thoughts of her have me hard and hungry for her. her skype account is still signed on (from home) but "away" - i want to call her just in the hope that she's up and would answer - just to hear her voice, to hope that she'd want to phone fuck. but i can't call - if she is logged on, the computer might make noise and bf might find out. so again, i'm left powerless, unable to contact her, unable to fulfill my desire for her.
confusion. i know how i feel about B. i have no doubts of what she means to me. (please don't ask me to explain then how i could leave and hurt her three times - i don't have an answer.) i know that were she to call me this morning and say she's changed her mind, she wants to start us now and to please don't take this job and come home to her - that i'd be in the car within minutes, starting that long drive back to her. it's where i belong. it's where i should be. -she- is my home. i also know, deep in my heart and without reservation, that she loves me. that she loves me as deeply and as completely as i do her. i also know that she wants to be together, wants the life that we were destined to have (and damn me to hell, that we'd have been starting right now) as much as i do. so you can imagine how confusing it is to me to know all that, to tell her that i should come there, that we should heal her -together-, plead with her to let us start our lives together and to hear her say, repeatedly, "i can't". those two small words destroy me, probably much like i've destroyed her heart repeatedly. they paralyze me, knock the wind out of me, immobilize me. how can she -not-??? on my side of us, i know that we're -there-, we are right now within 4 days of starting our life together. but she can't. and that speaks volumes about the depth of the hurt that i've caused her. she too knows that we could start within 4 days. but her scars are so deep and so painful and so raw that she won't even let me see a picture of her or see her on skype. hurts so overwhelming that she can't stand the thought of seeing me in person, much less of actually being together as an "us".
and so i sit here, in a strange hotel in a strange city at 5 in the morning, days away from starting a new job and i ponder the future. i thought i had a pretty good outline of how the next year and then the rest of our lives would go. but during our conversation last night i learned that i need to rethink it. she's said many times that she needs time, that it won't be quick, if it happens at all. because she's also said several times that i "could leave there in a couple months", i've sort of latched onto that timeframe as an indication of how long i'd be here, of how long it might be until she -is- ready and able to start us. but she corrected me last night; pointed out that this time was worse and would take longer to recover from than the first time - and that took nine months. so i have to prepare myself to wait as much as (or even longer than) a year. a year; g-d. we could've been together by our fifth anniversary, july of' 08, were gonna be together for our sixth anniversary this year. if we manage to get together, hopefully it'll be by our seventh, in 2010. besides all the other things that i regret... i'd really thought and hoped that we'd be able to celebrate her 40th birthday together. but we won't - because of me.
and so the things that i have to go through this year, besides a new job in a new city, i'll have to do without having B by my side. it would've been a tough year -with- her; while i'll still have her support, it'll be long distance. she'll still only be available when she's available - days, an occasional evening and for a short time on the occasional saturday. she won't be there when i get home, won't be there when i wake, won't be reachable by phone whenever i need her. without her? this year will be a test. a year of job, move, significant legal and financial issues. a year of knowing that anytime i have any kind of sex, she'll be forced to distract herself with everything that she can do in the same period. think about that.... if i were to pick up a woman in a bar and fuck her once, B will take a weekend and have her bf and her lover arrange a gangbang, a swing club visit, an overnight threesome; she could easily fuck 40 guys in a weekend. and that's only what i can be sure of and know for a fact. she doesn't believe what i tell her now, so undoubtedly there'll be many weeks/weekends when she'll be having all that simply because she thinks i'm having sex and lying to her about it. or just because she wants to.
i imagine a "reasonable person" would read this and think "what the fuck?". i can see that. but that person doesn't know the B that i know. they don't know what it's like when she opens her heart and soul to me and beckons me to her. they don't know the richness and the feeling of finally being complete when you mesh so completely with another person - with your soulmate.
that's what she is, truly - my soulmate.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
record breaking time
she was off yesterday, so it's been a long weekend without her; we talked a bit on saturday, but that was it since friday afternoon. she wasn't even able to get to chat or email until late last night, when she emailed that she'd be able to talk this morning. so, you can guess how anxious i was for this morning to come around, to finally be able to talk to her again.
she called, early. our first hour was great - light, fun, easy, us.
and then -i- started talking.
fuck. how do i do that?
we had a lot to talk about and we did get to some of it. a lot of things happened this weekend to talk about. i took some pics (some of 'em even good), we saw a movie, finished a book and i had a fun adventure monday. i bought her some cool, sexy shirts :-). and i did my first domain and website...
she called, early. our first hour was great - light, fun, easy, us.
and then -i- started talking.
fuck. how do i do that?
we had a lot to talk about and we did get to some of it. a lot of things happened this weekend to talk about. i took some pics (some of 'em even good), we saw a movie, finished a book and i had a fun adventure monday. i bought her some cool, sexy shirts :-). and i did my first domain and website...
Friday, February 06, 2009
writer's block
i used to write for B - erotica, scenarios we'd someday act out, sexual thoughts i had of her.
once, i even collected about 30 of them together and read them aloud, recorded them and sent them to her. she always said she loved them. i even got to read her some of them over the phone.
i found them (well, they weren't lost) the other day and read them. compared to the things she's doing and has done in the last year + with bf and with -him-, they're SO lame. i mean, what the things i've written (which we both considered edgy and very erotic back then) is the kind of stuff she does with -him- now in an afternoon fuck at her office. i was going to send them to her for her to read if she wanted... but after i reread them, that'd be equivalent to telling Einstein you have a book for him that he'd really love and then sending him a copy of a 1st grade arithmetic book. nothing, in all the stories i wrote her is the least bit "challenging" or erotic to her, after the things she's done.
i wrote about sharing her with other men - she's fucked about 100 guys (in 3/4/moresomes and gangbangs) since thanksgiving. i wrote about surprising her with another woman. she's got a girlfriend, several girls and couples that they can call up for play time any time, and she's been in a six girl party.
so i thought maybe i'd try writing some new things for her. never mind that i'm sure that no matter what i can dream up, she's already done that and more. at least it'd be more interesting than that early stuff.
i can't. everything i come up with seems so small, so lame when compared against her experiences. i can't imagine it'd hold her interest in the least. and i couldn't withstand the effects of her laughing at me or the writings.
if we do ever wind up together.... i can only guess how lame, how boring, how unsatisfying she'd think our sex life...
once, i even collected about 30 of them together and read them aloud, recorded them and sent them to her. she always said she loved them. i even got to read her some of them over the phone.
i found them (well, they weren't lost) the other day and read them. compared to the things she's doing and has done in the last year + with bf and with -him-, they're SO lame. i mean, what the things i've written (which we both considered edgy and very erotic back then) is the kind of stuff she does with -him- now in an afternoon fuck at her office. i was going to send them to her for her to read if she wanted... but after i reread them, that'd be equivalent to telling Einstein you have a book for him that he'd really love and then sending him a copy of a 1st grade arithmetic book. nothing, in all the stories i wrote her is the least bit "challenging" or erotic to her, after the things she's done.
i wrote about sharing her with other men - she's fucked about 100 guys (in 3/4/moresomes and gangbangs) since thanksgiving. i wrote about surprising her with another woman. she's got a girlfriend, several girls and couples that they can call up for play time any time, and she's been in a six girl party.
so i thought maybe i'd try writing some new things for her. never mind that i'm sure that no matter what i can dream up, she's already done that and more. at least it'd be more interesting than that early stuff.
i can't. everything i come up with seems so small, so lame when compared against her experiences. i can't imagine it'd hold her interest in the least. and i couldn't withstand the effects of her laughing at me or the writings.
if we do ever wind up together.... i can only guess how lame, how boring, how unsatisfying she'd think our sex life...
another fucking weekend
another fucking weekend... in more ways than one.
B and i used to have a love/hate relationship with weekends... love because for a year or so, we got to have lots of time talking on saturdays and sometimes sundays. hate because we were apart and because sometimes we didn't get that talk time. later, after we lost the phones, we just hated the weekends. her because of what was happening in my life, me because we were out of touch and then because of what i knew was happening in her life.
even though we're talking again (and talking a lot) we still hate the weekends. at least, i do; i think she does but it may be more of a dislike (because she fills the weekends with -him- and fucking and all kinds of things). my weekends are a little different. my drinking has been increasing for well over a year, to the point where .... it needs to be gotten under control. (no, i don't drink and drive). my weekends consist of finding something to do during the day (which often means reading or watching tv or movies) and waiting for happy hour to start so i can get shitfaced and forget.. forget what i've done, forget what she's doing at that very moment (well, hours). i've noticed that happy hour has been starting earlier and earlier.
and, this weekend, the fucking starts again. in earnest. she's taken about 2 weeks off from fucking -him- and given it to us as talk time. it's helped, helped me, helped us, a lot. but it's time. bf has been pushing to have -him- over (no, bf doesn't know about -him- and B fuck on the side, or that she wears his collar) for a night of fucking her. and -he's- been pushing her for it too. and, i imagine she's itching to get back to it as well. so, i imagine, they'll invite -him- over, have a drink and maybe a quick fuck, then go out for dinner, drinks and maybe dancing or pool (or fucking in the pool hall, which they've done), then back to her house for hot tub, blow jobs, ass fucks and a long night of fucking. followed by a morning and afternoon of more of the same.
happy hour starts really early this weekend.
B and i used to have a love/hate relationship with weekends... love because for a year or so, we got to have lots of time talking on saturdays and sometimes sundays. hate because we were apart and because sometimes we didn't get that talk time. later, after we lost the phones, we just hated the weekends. her because of what was happening in my life, me because we were out of touch and then because of what i knew was happening in her life.
even though we're talking again (and talking a lot) we still hate the weekends. at least, i do; i think she does but it may be more of a dislike (because she fills the weekends with -him- and fucking and all kinds of things). my weekends are a little different. my drinking has been increasing for well over a year, to the point where .... it needs to be gotten under control. (no, i don't drink and drive). my weekends consist of finding something to do during the day (which often means reading or watching tv or movies) and waiting for happy hour to start so i can get shitfaced and forget.. forget what i've done, forget what she's doing at that very moment (well, hours). i've noticed that happy hour has been starting earlier and earlier.
and, this weekend, the fucking starts again. in earnest. she's taken about 2 weeks off from fucking -him- and given it to us as talk time. it's helped, helped me, helped us, a lot. but it's time. bf has been pushing to have -him- over (no, bf doesn't know about -him- and B fuck on the side, or that she wears his collar) for a night of fucking her. and -he's- been pushing her for it too. and, i imagine she's itching to get back to it as well. so, i imagine, they'll invite -him- over, have a drink and maybe a quick fuck, then go out for dinner, drinks and maybe dancing or pool (or fucking in the pool hall, which they've done), then back to her house for hot tub, blow jobs, ass fucks and a long night of fucking. followed by a morning and afternoon of more of the same.
happy hour starts really early this weekend.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
it's gotta just be me
i know i may be being hypersensitive about things in general and her & sex in particular, but still....
in one of the things about which we'll never agree as to it's impact... we had this conversation snippet recently...
but am i really so wrong for feeling that it's just -me- she won't fuck? she'll fuck -anyone- else that bf or -him- tells her to fuck.
it's gotta be just me, doesn't it?
in one of the things about which we'll never agree as to it's impact... we had this conversation snippet recently...
me: six guys before we met. a hundred or more since we met. just not mei know i did to her everything she says i did.
her: why not you? cuz when i get close to trusting you, you decide you'd rather have someone else
me: did you have to trust the other 100+ before fucking them?
her: no. but they also didn't tell me lies, about how they wanted me, and when i came to them, say "nevermind, turns out i don't want you afterall"
me: most of them didn't even know you long enough before fucking you to learn your name
her: you're right. they dind't. but they also didn't make me think i could trust them and then rip my heart out several times over
but am i really so wrong for feeling that it's just -me- she won't fuck? she'll fuck -anyone- else that bf or -him- tells her to fuck.
it's gotta be just me, doesn't it?
Monday, February 02, 2009
bang, i'm dead
i drove to mom's over the weekend. i certainly had not expected to hear from B. but she called and we talked for 30 mins or so.
and we really talked, like those days of old. we talked, we laughed... and not just laughed, but raucous laughter, belly laughs. it felt so good, so light, so easy, so -us-. all too soon though she had to go.
then she called back, saying she had a few more minutes. and those minutes turned into almost two hours! what a surprise, what a gift, what a great day.
and then she called again on sunday and we got to spend another thirty minutes or so talking.
that was the end of the weekend. and the end of my respite.
last week, she'd agreed not to fuck -him- and to give those hours (and she gets a bunch of hours to spend with -him-) to me, to us, so we could talk. then friday, she extended the "deal" - she wouldn't see -him-, invite -him- over to her house for the B, hubby, lover threesome, if i wouldn't talk to the whore all weekend. no hesitation on my part. and i got the ?relief? of knowing she wouldn't be fucking -him- all weekend, that her husband and her lover wouldn't be spending hours sharing her.
so when i say that was the end of the weekend, the end of the respite, that's really how i felt. because i knew that if bf traveled today, she'd have been fucking -him- in the morning. bf didn't and she didn't.
nevertheless, it's coming. tomorrow is a normal bf-travels-she-fucks--him--morning-and-evening-day. oh joy. she insisted that i call the whore today and touch base. all i could think of was her comment last week that "... because you'll be talking to her during the week, i'll be fucking -him-...". then, when she could tell i was obviously reluctant to make that call, she didn't understand why.
so i told her "you're asking me to pull the trigger at my own execution." meaning that by doing that, i'd be making sure she started fucking -him- again. she never said that if i continued not talking to the whore that she'd continue not fucking -him-, but i still had that hope/connection/hope in my head.
i had no choice not to call and she wouldn't have been happy if i didn't, would've pushed until i did so. so.....
bang, i'm dead.
and still she won't see me. still won't let me come there, see her everyday, give us time together, not take this job that's going to take me far away, not give us this chance to find us again. she's not at that point yet, hasn't healed enough from the last time i betrayed her.
let the fucking begin.
and we really talked, like those days of old. we talked, we laughed... and not just laughed, but raucous laughter, belly laughs. it felt so good, so light, so easy, so -us-. all too soon though she had to go.
then she called back, saying she had a few more minutes. and those minutes turned into almost two hours! what a surprise, what a gift, what a great day.
and then she called again on sunday and we got to spend another thirty minutes or so talking.
that was the end of the weekend. and the end of my respite.
last week, she'd agreed not to fuck -him- and to give those hours (and she gets a bunch of hours to spend with -him-) to me, to us, so we could talk. then friday, she extended the "deal" - she wouldn't see -him-, invite -him- over to her house for the B, hubby, lover threesome, if i wouldn't talk to the whore all weekend. no hesitation on my part. and i got the ?relief? of knowing she wouldn't be fucking -him- all weekend, that her husband and her lover wouldn't be spending hours sharing her.
so when i say that was the end of the weekend, the end of the respite, that's really how i felt. because i knew that if bf traveled today, she'd have been fucking -him- in the morning. bf didn't and she didn't.
nevertheless, it's coming. tomorrow is a normal bf-travels-she-fucks--him--morning-and-evening-day. oh joy. she insisted that i call the whore today and touch base. all i could think of was her comment last week that "... because you'll be talking to her during the week, i'll be fucking -him-...". then, when she could tell i was obviously reluctant to make that call, she didn't understand why.
so i told her "you're asking me to pull the trigger at my own execution." meaning that by doing that, i'd be making sure she started fucking -him- again. she never said that if i continued not talking to the whore that she'd continue not fucking -him-, but i still had that hope/connection/hope in my head.
i had no choice not to call and she wouldn't have been happy if i didn't, would've pushed until i did so. so.....
bang, i'm dead.
and still she won't see me. still won't let me come there, see her everyday, give us time together, not take this job that's going to take me far away, not give us this chance to find us again. she's not at that point yet, hasn't healed enough from the last time i betrayed her.
let the fucking begin.
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