The Vacancy sign is on at The Last Resort

i'm feeling the weight of everything again. each thing tenuous yet their combined weight is crushing.

i want to move, but if my contract here is coming to a close in a month or two, it doesn't make sense to move now only to possibly have to do it again in a couple of months to move to a new city.

i want to find a new profession/livelihood but my financial obligations keep me from removing these golden handcuffs.

i want to give myself completely to a partner, share my life, my future, my everything with someone special. i even know who she is. the only problem is, she already has someone.

i want to have a mature, erotic relationship with a woman who enjoys her sexuality. same problem - she already has someone.

i'm ready for some hot, kinky, sweaty sex. it'd be so much more fun with a partner.

i was trying to think of how to describe myself when it hit me. i'm like that girl friend that people say "she's really smart, funny, kinda quiet till ya get to know her, but really sweet". in other words, i'm good for a last resort, or to take home to meet the parents, or better than nothing but ya don't really want to settle for me until ya know there's no other recourse.

i always thought that i was the one that B wanted and that even though she'll stay with him, i thought she'd be "settling" for him. but that's a pretty stupid notion on my part. she doesn't have to settle for anything. she's -there-, by choice, and -not here-, by choice. so as much as i'd like to be the "preferred option", i guess i'll spend the rest of my life waiting to see if she's happy and if not, if she'd settle for me.

and as much as i'd like to be someone she'd -want- to -choose-.... i'll settle for being her last resort.

g-d, is that pathetic or what?