the last day of this year

calendar years, fiscal years, tax years.

meet B years.

today's the last day of this "meet B year".

it's her last day of work till after labor day. starting september there's holidays about every two weeks until the end of the (calendar) year and she's said she could never and would never leave him around a holiday, especially the "romantic" (my word) holidays.

so while today may be the last day of the year, tomorrow is NOT new years' day; that's still 4 months away.

i can't even count the number of times i've gone to bed and/or woken up with a resolution to come in and be different with B, resolved to not let my wants/desires/rejection/disappointment/whatever creep into our conversations so that we could be friends without all that other crap poisoning us. i've been able to maintain that mindset for, gosh, whole hours on end. with this four month "possibility" hiatus maybe i can actually do it.

i'm not too confident in my ability. there's no doubt that the first 10, 20, 30 times will fail within an hour or so (that's about as long as my determination can hold out against my want). but maybe, eventually, i can pull it off.

can't have her as a partner. don't wanna lose her as a friend too.