and she's off

and then..... "bye" and she's gone. for four and a half days. that's roughly, oh, forever.

plans for things to do with him for tomorrow and monday. i'm sure other plans will firm up or materialize.

won't see her this year. in four months another year will start.

i wonder if next year will be different. i hope it will be. as i hoped this year and last year would be different.

dare i hope or dream? i shouldn't. it hurts less that way.

the last day of this year

calendar years, fiscal years, tax years.

meet B years.

today's the last day of this "meet B year".

it's her last day of work till after labor day. starting september there's holidays about every two weeks until the end of the (calendar) year and she's said she could never and would never leave him around a holiday, especially the "romantic" (my word) holidays.

so while today may be the last day of the year, tomorrow is NOT new years' day; that's still 4 months away.

i can't even count the number of times i've gone to bed and/or woken up with a resolution to come in and be different with B, resolved to not let my wants/desires/rejection/disappointment/whatever creep into our conversations so that we could be friends without all that other crap poisoning us. i've been able to maintain that mindset for, gosh, whole hours on end. with this four month "possibility" hiatus maybe i can actually do it.

i'm not too confident in my ability. there's no doubt that the first 10, 20, 30 times will fail within an hour or so (that's about as long as my determination can hold out against my want). but maybe, eventually, i can pull it off.

can't have her as a partner. don't wanna lose her as a friend too.

holidays

sick days are bearable.

days off are bad enough.

weekends have sucked for quite a while.

holidays are the worst of all. and between now and the end of the year, there's nothing but evenly spaced (about every two weeks!) holidays from now till january. she's said several times she'd never leave him during a holiday season.

labor day.
her birthday.
columbus day.
halloween. (okay, not a day off, but she's excited about her party)
veterans' day.
thanksgiving.
end of year vacation - mid december thru new years'.

happy holidays.

153 days.

70 chances to talk.

...remind me of what i really am...

my new (current?) favorite song is by Nickelback. The lead singer - now there's a guy who's had some relationship issues.

...
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you to say "sorry,
I was waiting on a different story"
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"
ye-et, ye-et, ye-et, no no
ye-et, ye-et, ye-et, no no

It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you
...


and i thought -i- had it bad...

.. what I really am... and am not. not her lover. not her choice. not her partner. not her future.

erosion

drops of water, when applied for a long enough period, will wear down a mountain until it's just pebbles. everything erodes eventually, relationships too. especially when the things affecting the relationship are only of the "erode away" type. when there's never any time for being together, rebuilding, re-connecting, touching each other, slow erosion will eventually win.

in the beginning, we had time. loads and loads of time. long lunches, all the time. chats all day. multiple phone calls.

then it got even better - we got phones. suddenly we had morning commutes, unlimited no charge minutes for lunch and other calls, after work, evening commutes, a weekday evening, a weekend morning, sunday calls.

then the erosion started. he got into her email. the frequency of talks during the day declined. lunches became much shorter, if at all. each thing chipping away at her, at us.

then he found her phone. all that extra time - gone. less time during the day. less frequency. chip.

he started demanding that she keep him apprised of her whereabouts whenever she left the office. chip chip. no outside of work phone (or -any- ) contact at all.

i'd guess that the amount of time we have to talk now at about 1/3 as much as we had at one time. we don't have time to ease into being close so we're hesitant and reserved. we don't have time to speak at length about nothing at all, easing ourselves into shared intimacy; so we're almost never intimate. we don't have time to just -be-, to just -hang out-, to just be together, no time to hang and cuddle and touch and rebuild -us-.

so instead, if we're "off" a little at the end of our too-short time together, she goes home to her life, her home and her partner with us remembered as being "not good, again". i go home hurting, unable to do -anything- to make it better.

he wants her to go somewhere with her right after the office closes on friday. chip. chip.

he calls her and says he's 2 minutes away and wants to stop in. chip.

we NEVER get to be together (a whole 'nother topic). we don't get time to spend together.

and the scary thing is: we'll never again have more time than we do right now.

only less.

The Vacancy sign is on at The Last Resort

i'm feeling the weight of everything again. each thing tenuous yet their combined weight is crushing.

i want to move, but if my contract here is coming to a close in a month or two, it doesn't make sense to move now only to possibly have to do it again in a couple of months to move to a new city.

i want to find a new profession/livelihood but my financial obligations keep me from removing these golden handcuffs.

i want to give myself completely to a partner, share my life, my future, my everything with someone special. i even know who she is. the only problem is, she already has someone.

i want to have a mature, erotic relationship with a woman who enjoys her sexuality. same problem - she already has someone.

i'm ready for some hot, kinky, sweaty sex. it'd be so much more fun with a partner.

i was trying to think of how to describe myself when it hit me. i'm like that girl friend that people say "she's really smart, funny, kinda quiet till ya get to know her, but really sweet". in other words, i'm good for a last resort, or to take home to meet the parents, or better than nothing but ya don't really want to settle for me until ya know there's no other recourse.

i always thought that i was the one that B wanted and that even though she'll stay with him, i thought she'd be "settling" for him. but that's a pretty stupid notion on my part. she doesn't have to settle for anything. she's -there-, by choice, and -not here-, by choice. so as much as i'd like to be the "preferred option", i guess i'll spend the rest of my life waiting to see if she's happy and if not, if she'd settle for me.

and as much as i'd like to be someone she'd -want- to -choose-.... i'll settle for being her last resort.

g-d, is that pathetic or what?

The Anti-Midas Touch

ya know how some people seem to have the "Midas Touch", where everything they touch turns to gold? i have the exact opposite.

in a rare moment of (alcohol induced) extroversion i decided to go downtown last weekend, visit some clubs, maybe find Ms. Right or at least Ms. Right Now. or maybe it was just to get the hell out of my seclusion.

and so i met this woman. nice, mid-40's, divorced, attractive. we talked, drank, danced, even fooled around a bit. she gave me her number, told me to call.

sunday i was a wreck. ecstatic because, hey, this -never- happens to me (i don't meet women in clubs. or anywhere, really, for that matter). and scared because i knew i'd tell B about it and that it'd cause us issues. but she doesn't want to see me and she tells me that she wants me to go out.

i told her. she asked a few questions. and though she said it didn't bother her, she was different, and quiet, the rest of the day.

so i called the woman yesterday. voicemail. left a message. no response.

now i know it's been a long, long time since i was in the dating scene but i thought if a woman gave you her number (and it was actually a working number and the voice on the voicemail was actually hers) that it kinda meant there was some interest.

i guess things have changed.

so, back to the midas touch. everything i touch seems to turn to ..... lead? crap?

consistency

she wanted a friend. i failed her. i wanted to be her lover.

she wanted a lover. i failed her. i wanted to be her partner.

just recently she wanted help & support with a personal issue. i failed her by not listening to her.

she wanted some computer help (something i should be able to do with at least a little bit of competency). failed her, again.

sensing a pattern here? now THAT's consistency.

there's never been a single person that i cared about that i didn't ultimately completely disappoint. i suppose since i care for her so much that she'll get the biggest dose of disappointment.

maybe the EMT's will get caught in traffic.

glimpses of the future?

yesterday she wanted distance, did not want to talk.

i came in today determined to not crowd her in any way, to not try to force my presence on her at all.

instead, i made a stupid remark (which sounded so ?off? it even surprised me). so while i don't know if she came into today wanting little contact, i've secured that. at least yesterday she left the one communication channel we (well, -i- ) have open, today it's closed.

then tomorrow's friday, with its higher stress levels (for her) and less (normal) talk time. and then the weekend.

a glimpse of my future?

i am -so- not ready for it.

now what?

last evening at 5 till she said "one min - phone". forty five minutes later we did talk - she said she had to go. today, an hour and a half after she's in the office and .... nothing.

no call, no im, no email.

now what?

reruns

i want to write something, need to write something, but ... what?

do i describe in detail how i, yet again, took something she asked of me and made it into something else entirely, made it be something about -me-?? boring. and repetitive.

should i tell, again, how i failed to give her what she wanted, needed and asked for? how she came to me with something deeply personal and very important and i managed to give her nothing of what she asked for?

just once i'd like to not disappoint her.

just once.

before i lose her completely.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

more specifically, -self- respect. which is something i seem to be lacking.

the more i try to be accomodating to her, her schedule, her restrictions and her life, the less i appear to have and the less i probably do actually have. the more i'm willing to subjugate my wants and needs in the relationship in order to maintain the relationship, the less respect she has for me.

and she can have no respect for a man with little or no self-respect.

so my options are to stand up for what i want and need at the risk of her walking away because she won't/can't give me those things, or i can put aside my wants/needs and be as accomodating as possible until she loses all respect for me and walks away.

some choice, huh?

the sad thing is that when we're where we should be, she makes me feel like more of a man than ever before. i love her more than anyone ever has (how do i know? i just know), she's never known affection and dedication and devotion like i would show her, and i long (just as much as i think she does) for the type of relationship we'd share. it's so wrong/sad that my willingness to do anything to get to the point where we could actually -have- the relationship could be the very reason that i'm not chosen.

i don't like being powerless. i don't like many of the conditions that exist today. but since my only option is to accept it or not have her in my life at all, i don't really have any choice.

so now what?