dashed hopes

you know how sometimes you ponder a problem? ponder, ponder, ponder. and just can't figure it out, can't get a handle on how to deal with it. and then, it's clear.

and i knew that i knew the right thing to do. not surprisingly, it is to act just as she said she'd wished i'd have responded the first time - to leave me and "us" out of the equation and talk to a friend that was working through something.

no problem. starting today, i make every effort to keep the conversation and the "context" about her, strictly friend to friend, nothing related to anything beyond that at all.

and damn, it felt good. all night and all morning while waiting for her to come in, i was positive, upbeat, ready to move ahead and be there for her, be available for her, if she wanted someone to talk to. so, especially after a nice conversation last night, i was ready, READY to be there for her.

such a nice idea.

she was kinda in a hurry to get off the phone, but there were people floating around there, popping in, asking questions, etc. my first hint was when i said something about knowing someone who could write (to help with some updating she has to do). her response: "you have your own life". i've spent 4 years focused on her but now she thinks me doing something for her is not a good idea coz i have my own life? wtf is that? translation: no thanks.

so what do i do now? my choices are very limited. i can keep trying to get to her, get her to open up and talk to me. this'll either push her further away or pull her closer. it's four days already so "pulling" doesn't seem likely. i can give her silence and space (since my presence seems to be an aggravating factor). this too will likely push her further away because she'll think i don't care. i can try to explain, persuade, cajole or convince her to reopen to our friendship. those have never had any effect in the past though, as she is not one to be swayed by anyone else.

"partners" has always been my most desired and the least likely outcome. "lovers" was always a possible outcome. "friends" is the basis of everything else that we might have or ever have. knowing that partners wasn't likely didn't sit well, but i always knew that at some point even the chance of it would be lost. lovers was where i really thought we'd wind up. friends was where i always thought we'd always be; there was never a doubt in my mind that we'd stay lifelong friends.

so in the last two weeks, two of the three seem to have been, well, the future doesn't look so bright.

and now the third may be in jeopardy as well. it's been a banner month.