and today....

i don't know. she's still pulled back from whatever the original reason was, plus now even more so because of me.

all i can think is that it ties back to "best intentions". the problem with that is that my best intentions usually strike her as selfish or self-centered or just plain me -actively- doing the wrong thing. strange, because that is certainly not how they start out. i try, i really do, to be "her" focused and not "me" focused. to my pov, i am that way, all (okay, almost all) the time. but to her, all she can see is that i'm only ever concerned about what the impact (of whatever) will be on -us- and thereby, -me-.

it's true that i can and do wind up there, mentally. but, unlike what she says, it's not my knee-jerk reaction to get there, it's not the mindset i immediately go to when there's "something" between us. the problem is, she doesn't see all the mental process that goes between. when something's bothering her, like -something- has been bothering her since the weekend, she often won't tell me about it, or exactly what it is. sometimes she'll talk about it later, but sometimes not. when i'm in that position, that is, when the person i most care about and am literally -waiting- for to come back from the weekend comes back and doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to talk to me, and won't say anything about what -it- is, then what i do is to start analyzing whatever information i have as best i can.

but when i have almost -no- information and no information about what it even relates to, it's a hard task. i can only surmise what's bothering her. and the things i think of are focused on -her-, naturally. what could be bothering her? did something happen? did they fight? did she decide to accept his proposal? did she decide to leave?

so because i have no information about the real issue, i can only extrapolate, make some (hopefully) educated guesses based on what little information she does give me. and in the absence of any concrete information, i make assumptions and follow a train of thought... and usually wind up in the same place - thinking she's done, or thinking about being done (with me).

and because that is a reasonable fear and the most concrete thing i can come up with at the time, i ask questions and/or say things with that slant to it. today, it was "are you done?". just asking that was enough to make her positive that i only care about how things affect me. that if something's bothering her, that the ONLY reason i care is because i want to know how it affects -me-.

how could she think i love her and also think that? how could she have ANY doubt, after all this time? how can she doubt whether she's "enough" for me, or think that i should be with anyone else? i've had no doubts from the beginning. why can't she have the same faith??

she comes down on me so hard for being confused and hurt and tentative when she comes back after a weekend and is pulled back and doesn't want to talk. i wonder what her reaction would be if our roles were reversed and i came back from a weekend and didn't want to talk?