it's a simple fact of life. there's -always- bad news hidden in good news.
(tricky, huh?)
imagine sitting in the doctors office waiting to hear the results of your tests. anxiously, you wait. and wait. and wait. the doctor refuses to give you a straight answer, dancing around the issue. does he not actually -know- the diagnosis or is he trying to think of a way to soften the blow?
tick. tick. tick.
each second ticks by, each second feeling as long as a day or a week, each minute another month of wasted time from a limited amount of remaining time.
tick. tick. tick.
Please doctor! PLEASE! Just give it to me straight! What's the story?!?!?! I can handle it, no matter what it is, really! PLEASE tell me!
finally, an answer...
your life will not begin for at least 60 days. there is absolutely NO CHANCE of you gaining the life you want for at -least- 60 days. mind you, that doesn't mean that in 60 days you'll get the life you've been waiting for. it means that there is absolutely no chance that you'll get that life in less than 60 days.
for real?? six years ago it felt like it was gonna be any day now. and not only is it not any day now, but it's -at least- 60 days away?
yes.
doc, what do i do in the meantime?
whatever.
so, unless something exceptional happens in the next 48 hours (which is, unfortunately, the weekend and she's with someone else all weekend), we aren't going to be together this year or this -DECADE-.
fuck me
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
time lost
this is a tough week. two months ago, I'd picked this week as a very likely week when B would finally leave bf and be with me. sure, I've had -many- nice but imaginary dates picked in the >6 years I've been trying to get her, but this one was an actually possible, if not probable date, at least in light of what I thought the conditions were.
we were going to start visits in a couple weeks. we'd agreed on a visit schedule (every 2 or 3 weeks, with 2 - 3 visits being HER point at which she'd be able to leave). we were doing good. things were looking up. so, looking forward, this week, six weeks after our initial visit, was the first possible leaving-date milestone. was i a bit optimistic about picking the first possible one? sure. but then, we're not two people tentatively reaching toward each other, still trying to figure out if being together is something worthwhile or something we want to do. we both KNOW. (at least, i know and i think she believes the same.) so frankly, 3 visits and 6 weeks didn't seem crazy optimistic. and truth be told, i really believed that once we saw each other (well, once she saw me, because i'm ready to make the move at any time) i actually believed that that would motivate her, remind her of -us- and spur her on to getting together.
not so much.
in fact, the exact opposite has occurred. all talk of visits has been put aside. visits are less of a certainty now than they've been all year. even though none of them materialized, march, labor day, july 4th were all put out there as possible visit dates. basically, ever since february, there's been a possible visit date on the table; in the future and unconfirmed, yes, but there's always been a potential date out there. now that we've had an actual visit, there are no potential visit dates on the table, no discussion of any visits and frankly, little opportunity on the calendar, thanks to the imminent holiday schedule (and holiday "blackout" period, which'll run till about april).
she wonders why i'm despondent, desperate and frantic.
because i (we) apparently had only -1- shot at it for this year. and since i flubbed that one, i'm (we're) on the shelf until ... sometime in the future. where we've pretty much always been... sometime in the future.
so in the meantime, we're going to stay here, where she believes is the only place for her to get better, to heal enough to let us back into her world. here, seperated by 1100 miles, with no physical contact (nevermind fucking, not even being in the same state), less visual contact (a la skype and pics) than ever and an ever shrinking amount of time to spend together on the phone.
it's that "less is more" philosophy. which, for the record, i've never seen successful in any application. being apart is better than being together. not seeing each other is better for us than seeing each other. not fixing video chat so we can see each other is better than seeing each other on video chat. getting together many months from now and -then- starting the period of slow, painful healing is better than skipping all the painful and harmful-to-our-relationship months in between and starting the slow, painful healing process now. leaving early and skipping a whole afternoon of our talk time is better for us than having that talk time. i wonder (facetiously, of course) if being completely out of touch, no email, no phone, no chat, no snailmail and no chance of any contact and on opposite sides of the planet would make us the strongest, closest, most in touch and happy couple ever.
i -hate- confrontation of any kind, especially of the interpersonal strife variety. but she and this relationship are so important to me that i have to switch over to the "let's face up to it, get the screaming, shouting and crying out of the way so we can get past this and finally start our life together" camp. no matter what, when we finally get together, there's going to be a period of adjustment, a time of tentativeness, of sensitivity and yes, of tears and pain and rejection and hurt. but whether we get together today or six months from now, that period is still going to be there. the difference is that every day we wait to get together causes us more problems, more hurts, more pains, more difficulties. and i believe, sadly, that every day we stay apart works against us. that's the part that really upsets me. she sees it too, yet insists that being apart is the only thing for us right now. really? fuck! haven't we been apart long enough already? how well has being apart worked? when is it time to try something different? let's take the plunge, get our fears under control (and we both have them) for a bit and fucking work this out, face to face. when has there ever been a couple with significant issues, especially trust issues, that's EVER successfully worked them out long distance? i'd say, uh, never. as far as i know, every couple that's ever worked through the kind of difficulties that we have in our relationship has done so the -hard- way, the scary way: face to face, day after day, enduring the pain, listening, talking, hearing, crying, forgiving each other - in PERSON. in person because after the pain and crying and hurt, they're there to support and reassure and touch and hold the other. after all, they do love each other enough to want to make it work or they wouldn't be there, ya know? the pain and hurt isn't the whole of their relationship, it's a -part- of it and their past that they're working through. and you can't keep that hurt and pain in the forefront all the time. so the rest of the time, there's support and togetherness and understanding and love and the comfort of being together. it's not like they're mortal enemies that fall into bloodlust at the sight of the other; there's LOVE there, true love, true companionship, true intimacy and they both want to get past these difficulties so they can get on with the business of living their lives together or again, they wouldn't be there in the first place. so after the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, that recedes, hopefully healed a bit and the togetherness of the -couple- can resume and soothe the pain. how much better to do that than to finish the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, then go completely away from each other and lick your wounds alone in the darkness?
call me stupid.
"you're STUPID!!!"
yeah, i know, or we wouldn't be here to begin with. but we are.
she says she wants me and us and our life more than anything else.
so why are we avoiding the course of action that's most likely to get us where we want to be? instead of taking the one that's practically guaranteed to put more distance, more hurt, more fear and uncertainty into -us-?
i love her so much. g-d, so much. and she says she loves me too and dammit, i FEEL it. how can we be so at opposite ends on this? how can being together be the most imperative thing for me to do -right now- and the last thing she wants to do right now? how can two people SO close, SO of like mind, so -right- for each other be so at odds as to what the best thing to do for -us- is? how can she think the best thing for us to do is what i think the worst? how can what i think the worst thing for us to do be what she thinks the best (and only) thing to do?
and why can't there be any discussion and compromise?
so, i'll do what she wants. i'll sit here and wait until i'm called.
we were going to start visits in a couple weeks. we'd agreed on a visit schedule (every 2 or 3 weeks, with 2 - 3 visits being HER point at which she'd be able to leave). we were doing good. things were looking up. so, looking forward, this week, six weeks after our initial visit, was the first possible leaving-date milestone. was i a bit optimistic about picking the first possible one? sure. but then, we're not two people tentatively reaching toward each other, still trying to figure out if being together is something worthwhile or something we want to do. we both KNOW. (at least, i know and i think she believes the same.) so frankly, 3 visits and 6 weeks didn't seem crazy optimistic. and truth be told, i really believed that once we saw each other (well, once she saw me, because i'm ready to make the move at any time) i actually believed that that would motivate her, remind her of -us- and spur her on to getting together.
not so much.
in fact, the exact opposite has occurred. all talk of visits has been put aside. visits are less of a certainty now than they've been all year. even though none of them materialized, march, labor day, july 4th were all put out there as possible visit dates. basically, ever since february, there's been a possible visit date on the table; in the future and unconfirmed, yes, but there's always been a potential date out there. now that we've had an actual visit, there are no potential visit dates on the table, no discussion of any visits and frankly, little opportunity on the calendar, thanks to the imminent holiday schedule (and holiday "blackout" period, which'll run till about april).
she wonders why i'm despondent, desperate and frantic.
because i (we) apparently had only -1- shot at it for this year. and since i flubbed that one, i'm (we're) on the shelf until ... sometime in the future. where we've pretty much always been... sometime in the future.
so in the meantime, we're going to stay here, where she believes is the only place for her to get better, to heal enough to let us back into her world. here, seperated by 1100 miles, with no physical contact (nevermind fucking, not even being in the same state), less visual contact (a la skype and pics) than ever and an ever shrinking amount of time to spend together on the phone.
it's that "less is more" philosophy. which, for the record, i've never seen successful in any application. being apart is better than being together. not seeing each other is better for us than seeing each other. not fixing video chat so we can see each other is better than seeing each other on video chat. getting together many months from now and -then- starting the period of slow, painful healing is better than skipping all the painful and harmful-to-our-relationship months in between and starting the slow, painful healing process now. leaving early and skipping a whole afternoon of our talk time is better for us than having that talk time. i wonder (facetiously, of course) if being completely out of touch, no email, no phone, no chat, no snailmail and no chance of any contact and on opposite sides of the planet would make us the strongest, closest, most in touch and happy couple ever.
i -hate- confrontation of any kind, especially of the interpersonal strife variety. but she and this relationship are so important to me that i have to switch over to the "let's face up to it, get the screaming, shouting and crying out of the way so we can get past this and finally start our life together" camp. no matter what, when we finally get together, there's going to be a period of adjustment, a time of tentativeness, of sensitivity and yes, of tears and pain and rejection and hurt. but whether we get together today or six months from now, that period is still going to be there. the difference is that every day we wait to get together causes us more problems, more hurts, more pains, more difficulties. and i believe, sadly, that every day we stay apart works against us. that's the part that really upsets me. she sees it too, yet insists that being apart is the only thing for us right now. really? fuck! haven't we been apart long enough already? how well has being apart worked? when is it time to try something different? let's take the plunge, get our fears under control (and we both have them) for a bit and fucking work this out, face to face. when has there ever been a couple with significant issues, especially trust issues, that's EVER successfully worked them out long distance? i'd say, uh, never. as far as i know, every couple that's ever worked through the kind of difficulties that we have in our relationship has done so the -hard- way, the scary way: face to face, day after day, enduring the pain, listening, talking, hearing, crying, forgiving each other - in PERSON. in person because after the pain and crying and hurt, they're there to support and reassure and touch and hold the other. after all, they do love each other enough to want to make it work or they wouldn't be there, ya know? the pain and hurt isn't the whole of their relationship, it's a -part- of it and their past that they're working through. and you can't keep that hurt and pain in the forefront all the time. so the rest of the time, there's support and togetherness and understanding and love and the comfort of being together. it's not like they're mortal enemies that fall into bloodlust at the sight of the other; there's LOVE there, true love, true companionship, true intimacy and they both want to get past these difficulties so they can get on with the business of living their lives together or again, they wouldn't be there in the first place. so after the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, that recedes, hopefully healed a bit and the togetherness of the -couple- can resume and soothe the pain. how much better to do that than to finish the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, then go completely away from each other and lick your wounds alone in the darkness?
call me stupid.
"you're STUPID!!!"
yeah, i know, or we wouldn't be here to begin with. but we are.
she says she wants me and us and our life more than anything else.
so why are we avoiding the course of action that's most likely to get us where we want to be? instead of taking the one that's practically guaranteed to put more distance, more hurt, more fear and uncertainty into -us-?
i love her so much. g-d, so much. and she says she loves me too and dammit, i FEEL it. how can we be so at opposite ends on this? how can being together be the most imperative thing for me to do -right now- and the last thing she wants to do right now? how can two people SO close, SO of like mind, so -right- for each other be so at odds as to what the best thing to do for -us- is? how can she think the best thing for us to do is what i think the worst? how can what i think the worst thing for us to do be what she thinks the best (and only) thing to do?
and why can't there be any discussion and compromise?
so, i'll do what she wants. i'll sit here and wait until i'm called.
Monday, October 26, 2009
bingeing?
i've been on a bit of a binge lately.
no, not boozing; quite the opposite actually. i've been on a spree of getting and making things for my B. i've bought her things; i have four things i just bought her and a couple others that i haven't yet sent that i bought previously. i've spent about 10 hours making something for her. (btw, something that, if we do get together, i hope she'll love and treasure and always keep dear to her as something made by my own hands, specifically for her and only her). i have three other things that i'm also making/working on for her and i have at least 3 others in mind that i'll start as soon as i can.
when i see something that i know she'd like, i want to buy it. not cars or clothes or stuff like that - things that i think will mean something to her, as they do to me. they're usually sentimental things, romantic things, things that appeal to us and who we are to each other, what our life would be like. the things i make for her i make because that's such an intimate thing to do for someone you love, isn't it? to use your own hands to make something that is meaningful and relevant to both of you. i also, perhaps a little too fantasy-romantically, imagine that the uniqueness of the object, the place it would have in your lives would imbue a special meaning and value to the object. add to that the (again, my perception/hope/fantasy) specialness and intimacy that knowing that your beloved made this especially for -you- would attach to the thing and i just turn into a blubbering, sentimental fool.
and then i wonder - am i trying to buy her affection? i don't -think- so, because i can honestly say that the things i've bought for her and the things i'm making for her are real and honest. i don't ask for or expect anything in return.
for the record, i believe in my heart that this "binge" of things for her is real and truthful.
i'll also add that it may be, in some small part, a way for me to feel less isolated from her, less hopeless, a bit closer, even to feel as though i am, in some small way, actually a part of her life. it may also be a way to take my mind of the bleakness of my situation and my life and share with her, in my mind at least, a part of me.
whatever the underlying reason(s) may be, i'm going to continue. even if it's nothing more than mental masturbation. if it helps to deceive me into thinking that things are better than they really are, what's the harm? at worst, it lets me think that i'm making her happy in some small way, that i really am a part of her life. at best, my perception of the whole thing may be close to truth and we really are connecting and moving toward a common future.
it's not hurting anyone, is it?
no, not boozing; quite the opposite actually. i've been on a spree of getting and making things for my B. i've bought her things; i have four things i just bought her and a couple others that i haven't yet sent that i bought previously. i've spent about 10 hours making something for her. (btw, something that, if we do get together, i hope she'll love and treasure and always keep dear to her as something made by my own hands, specifically for her and only her). i have three other things that i'm also making/working on for her and i have at least 3 others in mind that i'll start as soon as i can.
when i see something that i know she'd like, i want to buy it. not cars or clothes or stuff like that - things that i think will mean something to her, as they do to me. they're usually sentimental things, romantic things, things that appeal to us and who we are to each other, what our life would be like. the things i make for her i make because that's such an intimate thing to do for someone you love, isn't it? to use your own hands to make something that is meaningful and relevant to both of you. i also, perhaps a little too fantasy-romantically, imagine that the uniqueness of the object, the place it would have in your lives would imbue a special meaning and value to the object. add to that the (again, my perception/hope/fantasy) specialness and intimacy that knowing that your beloved made this especially for -you- would attach to the thing and i just turn into a blubbering, sentimental fool.
and then i wonder - am i trying to buy her affection? i don't -think- so, because i can honestly say that the things i've bought for her and the things i'm making for her are real and honest. i don't ask for or expect anything in return.
for the record, i believe in my heart that this "binge" of things for her is real and truthful.
i'll also add that it may be, in some small part, a way for me to feel less isolated from her, less hopeless, a bit closer, even to feel as though i am, in some small way, actually a part of her life. it may also be a way to take my mind of the bleakness of my situation and my life and share with her, in my mind at least, a part of me.
whatever the underlying reason(s) may be, i'm going to continue. even if it's nothing more than mental masturbation. if it helps to deceive me into thinking that things are better than they really are, what's the harm? at worst, it lets me think that i'm making her happy in some small way, that i really am a part of her life. at best, my perception of the whole thing may be close to truth and we really are connecting and moving toward a common future.
it's not hurting anyone, is it?
reality gives a kick in the ass
yeah, like that's never happened before, right?
not long ago, i won an all expense paid two day stay at theMedical Center Spa & Resort.
early morning chest pains were how i knew i'd won.
now, i'm just past 50. i'm white, middle aged, carry about 15 extra pounds above my belt, eat like shit, hardly exercise, drink to excess (like 3.5l of vodka a week), have a pending lawsuit, huge alimony payments, have to look for work every six months (because i'm a contractor), work in a specialty that is steadily declining and in a career field where 50+ year olds are increasingly being squeezed out in favor of 20 somethings who are willing to work 60 weeks for half what they pay me, i have no permanent residence, basically only own what i can fit in my car, have a steadily declining bank balance/nest egg (see the aforementioned huge alimony payments), no close friends other than B (who lives with her husband 1100 miles away), no romantic interests, no fuckbuddy, essentially -no- close human contact whatsoever, ongoing depression and a host of other medical issues (none of which are especially frightening on their own unless combined with the rest of the list) and no prospects for anything to change in the foreseeable future.
how's that for a lifetime achievement award?
anyway, after my recent "spa" stay, the spectre of one's own mortality raises its ugly head again.
i've actually been becoming more and more aware of the approach of my own "sunset". everyone fears dying and i suppose i'm no different than anyone else in that regard. but honestly, the thing that bothers me the most is the awareness that, even if she (my beloved B) were to choose to be together -today- (which she's nowhere close to doing), our time together is limited. we've already lost over 6 years that we could've and should've spent together. anyway, i'm not nearly as ?dismayed? about the dying part as i am about the time together that we're missing out on. we've known each other for roughly 12% of my life and 15% of hers. we could've spent that time together. and every day/week/month/year that passes is that much less time that i could possibly have to spend in her life. -that's- what really dismays me.
she too has said that my recent "spa" stay has made her more aware of the passage of time, precious time, and the finite amount of time we could have together.
i'm not sure my increased awareness of time (or the lack of) and the passage of (oh so valuable) time has been a good thing. while i "knew" before that my eating and drinking habits were adversely affecting my health (and therefore longevity) it's amazing what we can block out and disregard when we don't really want to acknowledge it. so i've cut way back on my drinking (yeah, yeah, i know, it's only been 4 days). i had 1 drink thursday night, only had 2 drinks friday night (and that was after actually getting out of the house and doing something), got out of the house most of the day saturday, tied on a pretty good one saturday night using up the rest of my vodka, then had 4 beers yesterday. i knew beer is a pretty self-limiting drink for me, which is why i purposely didn't buy more vodka on saturday. i'm looking at menus and trying to get back into preparing food (it's not like i don't have plenty of fucking free time to do it).
and there's one thought that keeps coming to me... what the fuck for? i mean, yeah, if B were to decide to be together at least i'd have a head start on getting healthier so as to increase our time together, but there's a nagging fear that that's not gonna happen. she's no closer to making a move and leaving bf, as far as i can tell.
so i'm stuck here in a quandry. do i continue working on improving my health in the hope that sooner or later she'll want to be together? i think i have to, just in case. otoh, every day that passes, every day she delays, i get a little bit healthier, which means that if the day comes when she finally tells me "no, now go away", i'll be healthier than ever, which means, fucking great, i get to live more days with our her.
fuck me to tears.
not long ago, i won an all expense paid two day stay at the
early morning chest pains were how i knew i'd won.
now, i'm just past 50. i'm white, middle aged, carry about 15 extra pounds above my belt, eat like shit, hardly exercise, drink to excess (like 3.5l of vodka a week), have a pending lawsuit, huge alimony payments, have to look for work every six months (because i'm a contractor), work in a specialty that is steadily declining and in a career field where 50+ year olds are increasingly being squeezed out in favor of 20 somethings who are willing to work 60 weeks for half what they pay me, i have no permanent residence, basically only own what i can fit in my car, have a steadily declining bank balance/nest egg (see the aforementioned huge alimony payments), no close friends other than B (who lives with her husband 1100 miles away), no romantic interests, no fuckbuddy, essentially -no- close human contact whatsoever, ongoing depression and a host of other medical issues (none of which are especially frightening on their own unless combined with the rest of the list) and no prospects for anything to change in the foreseeable future.
how's that for a lifetime achievement award?
anyway, after my recent "spa" stay, the spectre of one's own mortality raises its ugly head again.
i've actually been becoming more and more aware of the approach of my own "sunset". everyone fears dying and i suppose i'm no different than anyone else in that regard. but honestly, the thing that bothers me the most is the awareness that, even if she (my beloved B) were to choose to be together -today- (which she's nowhere close to doing), our time together is limited. we've already lost over 6 years that we could've and should've spent together. anyway, i'm not nearly as ?dismayed? about the dying part as i am about the time together that we're missing out on. we've known each other for roughly 12% of my life and 15% of hers. we could've spent that time together. and every day/week/month/year that passes is that much less time that i could possibly have to spend in her life. -that's- what really dismays me.
she too has said that my recent "spa" stay has made her more aware of the passage of time, precious time, and the finite amount of time we could have together.
i'm not sure my increased awareness of time (or the lack of) and the passage of (oh so valuable) time has been a good thing. while i "knew" before that my eating and drinking habits were adversely affecting my health (and therefore longevity) it's amazing what we can block out and disregard when we don't really want to acknowledge it. so i've cut way back on my drinking (yeah, yeah, i know, it's only been 4 days). i had 1 drink thursday night, only had 2 drinks friday night (and that was after actually getting out of the house and doing something), got out of the house most of the day saturday, tied on a pretty good one saturday night using up the rest of my vodka, then had 4 beers yesterday. i knew beer is a pretty self-limiting drink for me, which is why i purposely didn't buy more vodka on saturday. i'm looking at menus and trying to get back into preparing food (it's not like i don't have plenty of fucking free time to do it).
and there's one thought that keeps coming to me... what the fuck for? i mean, yeah, if B were to decide to be together at least i'd have a head start on getting healthier so as to increase our time together, but there's a nagging fear that that's not gonna happen. she's no closer to making a move and leaving bf, as far as i can tell.
so i'm stuck here in a quandry. do i continue working on improving my health in the hope that sooner or later she'll want to be together? i think i have to, just in case. otoh, every day that passes, every day she delays, i get a little bit healthier, which means that if the day comes when she finally tells me "no, now go away", i'll be healthier than ever, which means, fucking great, i get to live more days with our her.
fuck me to tears.
updates and downdates and whogivesafuck dates
put all the thoughts from the last few weeks into a blender, hit puree and this is the shit that falls out.
it's the last week of october.
i am, without a doubt the worlds biggest dreamer. not to mention loser. about 48 years ago, the last time B and I talked about starting visits, we had this grand vision (although hers and mine weren't quite the same) of what we'd accomplish on said visits. we'd get familiar in person again, move past some of the hurt and anger, learn to be physically with each other again, start fucking and within a few visits, say 3 or 4, we'd be ready to be together full time; she'd leave bf and we'd start our life together. i asked her how often she saw visits happening; every 2 or 3 weeks was her reply. understand too that 3 or 4 visits, 2 or 3 weeks apart, meant that within a finite, definable, tangible amount of time we'd be where we both said we want to be together. finally.
now, i "see" dates and times, she doesn't. i'm acutely aware of every minute that passes when we're having lunch or as our time ticks away after work and she "has" to leave to go back to bf. she's not. i feel the weight of every fucking day (2,287 of them since our first phone conversation) that passes that a) we're not only not together, but b) no closer to being together and c) is yet another day that she -chooses- to go back to the life, the home and the relationship that she says she doesn't want. she doesn't see or feel the passage of time. whether we get together in a day, a week, a month or three more years, it's more or less the same to her. i don't know if it's because she's younger or really doesn't feel getting to us is that much of a draw or i don't know what. anyway, once this semi-defined timeline was laid out, i needed to see what it looked like (i'm a visual person). so, with calendar in hand, i laid it out in a way that made it -concrete- to me, real, tangible.
here it is:
it's the last week of october.
i am, without a doubt the worlds biggest dreamer. not to mention loser. about 48 years ago, the last time B and I talked about starting visits, we had this grand vision (although hers and mine weren't quite the same) of what we'd accomplish on said visits. we'd get familiar in person again, move past some of the hurt and anger, learn to be physically with each other again, start fucking and within a few visits, say 3 or 4, we'd be ready to be together full time; she'd leave bf and we'd start our life together. i asked her how often she saw visits happening; every 2 or 3 weeks was her reply. understand too that 3 or 4 visits, 2 or 3 weeks apart, meant that within a finite, definable, tangible amount of time we'd be where we both said we want to be together. finally.
now, i "see" dates and times, she doesn't. i'm acutely aware of every minute that passes when we're having lunch or as our time ticks away after work and she "has" to leave to go back to bf. she's not. i feel the weight of every fucking day (2,287 of them since our first phone conversation) that passes that a) we're not only not together, but b) no closer to being together and c) is yet another day that she -chooses- to go back to the life, the home and the relationship that she says she doesn't want. she doesn't see or feel the passage of time. whether we get together in a day, a week, a month or three more years, it's more or less the same to her. i don't know if it's because she's younger or really doesn't feel getting to us is that much of a draw or i don't know what. anyway, once this semi-defined timeline was laid out, i needed to see what it looked like (i'm a visual person). so, with calendar in hand, i laid it out in a way that made it -concrete- to me, real, tangible.
here it is:
pretty laughable ain't it? but notice how thoroughly it's laid out. there's both a 2 week between visit timeline and a 3 week timeline. the top is the list of dates and visits for both schedules. the bottom is a side by side with visits laid out through the end of the year. after all, 3-1/2 months of visits, which would have been either 8 or 6 visits, is WAY more than the 3 or 4 she said she thought it'd take for us to be together. the circled visits, #4 in both columns, was my best guess on when she'd actually leave bf to be with me. the visits in the boxes indicates the likely range of times, should visit #4 be too optimistic, when she would leave.
how thorough. how quaint. how fucking stupid. here it is -6- weeks since that first visit. this week should have been either visit 3 or visit 2. i even hoped that this visit would be THE ONE. "leave with me". yeah. the only one who's leaving with me is me. she'll be leaving, every night this week, next week, next month to go back to the life, the home and the relationship she doesn't want. leaving the life and the relationship she says she does want behind for another day.
so, back to reality. six weeks later. the week that i actually thought it -possible-, if not likely, that she'd leave bf and choose to start our life together. instead of leaving me and going back to bf. again. and again. i actually, truly, really believed that it could possibly have happened this week. the reality of it is that we have had NO visits since the first, nor are there any scheduled, planned, proposed or talked about.
i was cleaning out my calendar file over the weekend and ran across a couple of other interesting dates. from 16 days after i "broke up" with her: B gangbang, 5:30-10:00PM, video, webcam, 20+ guys. that was back in the day when bf still traveled. and then, one month and two days later, she called me at about 12:30 in the morning to talk. we talked for about 3 hours. she'd just left -him- after a night of fucking (back when bf traveled) and was waiting for bf to get back because they were going to go to a strip club. she wanted to know if i missed her. FUCK YES i missed her. that was almost -10- months ago. when we hung up the phone, i dared to hope that we'd be together within 6 months. ten months later, we're well past my initial hope and even past the timeframe that -she- laid out.
i'm afraid of those two dates coming up again, 12/11 & 1/13. i'm afraid that if we're not together by those dates, that she may finally say "what the hell did i give up fucking, swinging and gangbanging? for -this-? fuck that" and go back to her life.
and that'll be the end of the story for yours truly.
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