got my shovel, time to dig. the hole's not deep enough.
an opportunity came up for her to go on an 8-day cruise with him. no big deal, right?
except it's 5+ months from now.
in her head, without a moments' hesitation, she still sees herself being with bf.
a few days ago it upset me that she couldn't definitely see us as having even -met- by our anniversary (late july). i guess if she can't even see herself meeting me in 4 months, then taking a cruise with her partner in 5 months shouldn't be that much of a surprise to me.
not me. -him-. not a new life with me, one she says she wants. her old life, with -him-. the one she says she doesn't want. and the way i "read" the year, that's it for 2007. because right after september starts the holiday season. halloween. then thanksgiving, a big family day and kinda the "special holiday" kickoff. then december holiday parties and xmas and new years. and she's said before she would NOT leave him at holiday time.
maybe next year. or the next.
i'd hoped, dared to dream that we'd be together by our anniversary. maybe i need to specify WHICH anniversary.
or just accept that not me, it's -him-.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
after the fall is the bottom
the high point has most definitely been over the last week or so, through saturday. when we hung up on saturday, 5ish, i could "see for miles and miles and miles and miles", the high i was on was so high.
that carried me through a sunday of waiting to talk to her again.
monday morning, eagerly awaiting her return.
i did not see the stiff arm crashing into my chest and pushing me toward the edge. i teetered there monday and tuesday, even thinking i'd regained my footing at one point.
have you ever planned something VERY SPECIAL with someone, something you both just KNEW was gonna be great, like a trip or event or something? i don't just mean something -cool- and -fun-, i mean new territory never explored, new sights never seen, new experiences never had before. planned, talked about, worked through the details, done the planning, felt the excitement as the day got closer and closer.... only to have them say "uh, no, can't do it"? not that the date is bad or they just realized they don't like heights or their spouse discovered your affair, but just have them say no because they just can't bring themselves to continue? no physical obstacles, no time conflicts, no EXTERNAL reasons at all why they can't go, just that they can't do it.
you're standing there, bags packed, a bright future in front of you, all ready to go. holding hands, you take the first step then realize they're not moving their feet. "c'mon, let's go!" you say.
"i can't."
at that moment, look around you.
welcome to hell.
that carried me through a sunday of waiting to talk to her again.
monday morning, eagerly awaiting her return.
i did not see the stiff arm crashing into my chest and pushing me toward the edge. i teetered there monday and tuesday, even thinking i'd regained my footing at one point.
have you ever planned something VERY SPECIAL with someone, something you both just KNEW was gonna be great, like a trip or event or something? i don't just mean something -cool- and -fun-, i mean new territory never explored, new sights never seen, new experiences never had before. planned, talked about, worked through the details, done the planning, felt the excitement as the day got closer and closer.... only to have them say "uh, no, can't do it"? not that the date is bad or they just realized they don't like heights or their spouse discovered your affair, but just have them say no because they just can't bring themselves to continue? no physical obstacles, no time conflicts, no EXTERNAL reasons at all why they can't go, just that they can't do it.
you're standing there, bags packed, a bright future in front of you, all ready to go. holding hands, you take the first step then realize they're not moving their feet. "c'mon, let's go!" you say.
"i can't."
at that moment, look around you.
welcome to hell.
Monday, March 26, 2007
on the one hand... and on the other
it's so good to FINALLY be able to feel that things between us are FINALLY ?solidifying?, maturing, (seemingly) moving toward a future that is hopefully much like the one i want. and this feeling wells up inside and grows and makes the world feel good and hopeful. and finally, finally, she seems within reach, it feels like maybe, just maybe, that which i've wanted and hoped for for so long just might be within the realm of possibility.
and on the other hand, the days drag by. i want to tell her "i'm good baby, i'm ready, i'm yours. say the word, please, and let us be together, starting now". but still the days drag by. still she goes home to him. and the bleak specter of more months without her, even the possibility of forever without her, lays heavy on me.
how can she feel what i feel, want what i want and yet not take any actions to get there?
and on the other hand, the days drag by. i want to tell her "i'm good baby, i'm ready, i'm yours. say the word, please, and let us be together, starting now". but still the days drag by. still she goes home to him. and the bleak specter of more months without her, even the possibility of forever without her, lays heavy on me.
how can she feel what i feel, want what i want and yet not take any actions to get there?
a lack of angst
i was surprised to see that it's been a week since i've posted anything.
a quick recap might be in order...
work is at it always is.
B and i have been .... wonderful. we've been close and communicative. it's a good feeling. and while i thought maybe i should put this out in flashing neon, she came clean with me, told me who she is. interestingly, what i'm feeling from that is not some great sense of "relief" (although there is some of that) but i think i feel more what's -not- there anymore. it's hard to define and it's still early but it feels as though we're less restricted somehow, as though something bad that we never wanted to talk about before has been removed and the ?strain? of that isn't sitting on us any more.
it's a good feeling.
not that i consider myself a writer, but maybe it's true that writers are motivated to write by the angst in their lives.
i'll gladly give up ANY modicum of writing ability in exchange for her.
a quick recap might be in order...
work is at it always is.
B and i have been .... wonderful. we've been close and communicative. it's a good feeling. and while i thought maybe i should put this out in flashing neon, she came clean with me, told me who she is. interestingly, what i'm feeling from that is not some great sense of "relief" (although there is some of that) but i think i feel more what's -not- there anymore. it's hard to define and it's still early but it feels as though we're less restricted somehow, as though something bad that we never wanted to talk about before has been removed and the ?strain? of that isn't sitting on us any more.
it's a good feeling.
not that i consider myself a writer, but maybe it's true that writers are motivated to write by the angst in their lives.
i'll gladly give up ANY modicum of writing ability in exchange for her.
Friday, March 16, 2007
quote
from her:
what do you do with that?
i have -no- input, -no- say, -no- influence. it's all up to her. and she can't convince herself that it's something she should do.
and i want/wish i could (would?) allow us to be in person
what do you do with that?
i have -no- input, -no- say, -no- influence. it's all up to her. and she can't convince herself that it's something she should do.
Friday, March 02, 2007
priceless
cell phones for easy talking: $100/mo.
email/im/skype accounts: $0
cards/stamps/gifts: $250/yr
having a deep, open, frank conversation with your best friend, talking about the way her partner will sometimes make a comment that completely ruins her mood, building consensus that yes, i do understand, and no, you're not wrong for feeling that way, and then doing the exact same fucking thing: Priceless
and hearing the disappointment in her voice: emotional bankruptcy.
email/im/skype accounts: $0
cards/stamps/gifts: $250/yr
having a deep, open, frank conversation with your best friend, talking about the way her partner will sometimes make a comment that completely ruins her mood, building consensus that yes, i do understand, and no, you're not wrong for feeling that way, and then doing the exact same fucking thing: Priceless
and hearing the disappointment in her voice: emotional bankruptcy.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
what's missing?
house. whispers. boat. iris. eleven years. investment properties. grandma. jetskis. tanner. new year's boat trip. sex. espn bar. stacie. exercise. shrimp jambalaya never eaten. hurricanes. canceled trip. timeshare. private room at the strip club birthday. san antonio. airlines. softball leagues. bdsm. her laughter. pussyballs & cobblestones. lunch and the car hood. drives to his home state. gangbangs. house on the water. bleeding toes. hockey games. tuesday nights. sheryl. the experts. love. ballyhoos. routine. bastard. bike rides. art festivals. money, money, money. D/s. wedding on the beach. "theresa". talking to dad on the dock. red lights run. tony. movies. benzo. broken toe. fantasy football leagues. hours spent talking. buyout offer. saturday mornings. reading. arizona. kayaking. stainless steel bbq. hot tub. lisa. desire. kissing girls. pup. sherri. amateur stripping. fear. letters written, read. tears. running.
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