i have a problem.

well, not -a- problem, but several.

i have tried, repeatedly, to change the things that need changed. i can't even guess how many mornings i've come in -determined- to be different/better. sometimes i'm even successful - for a few hours.

the biggest problem: i still think i'm a possibility in her life, and i act accordingly. she even said recently "i'm stuck or just not ready". how much plainer could it be? so why do i still hear "..but will be soon"??? she's never implied, insinuated, inferred, said, promised or alluded to it being "soon" (or ever). so why do i continue to hear it?

wishing is a very strong emotion. as is desire. and love.

unfortunately, denial is also very strong. and i can deny the truth of our situation to myself very easily. in a way i don't blame me - the reality i want is so much more appealing than the reality i have.

in a physical relationship (not sexual, just 'in the real world') between two people, things like exchanging pictures, talking on the phone or sending letters or packages would be trivial, never even thought about much less discussed.

but ours is not physical ('in the real world'). and she's told me time and time again, from the very beginning, that she needs to protect herself, her privacy, her relationship and everything else in her life from even the -possibility- of me finding out and somehow harming her or her relationship. for three years she's kept almost everything about herself hidden. she's told me repeatedly that she can't and won't expose her life to any risk. but still i ask. i ask her to meet, to let me call her at work, to send me pictures of herself. and then i'm hurt and disappointed when she doesn't.

she's said she wants me in her life (as we are) and that she'd be unhappy if i wasn't. i believe her. but i wonder if she wouldn't be better off without me bringing so much upset or irritation to her world every day.

and as a perfect example of the topic of this post - i continue to think that if we were together that i'd somehow be able to make her world better.