A Plea

B... I want to do, am willing to do, whatever it takes, anything, to keep us as best friends. And not 'crippled' no-negative-or-tough-stuff friends. But all out, real friends, like we know we have been, can be, and really are.
You're upset with me, I know. You're hurting in your life in many ways, most caused directly or indirectly by me. You think I'm not acutely aware of that?

You know, one reason you're staying where you are is because "it's easier" (you've said that). Well, it's easier to say we're not, or that I can't be the friend to you I want to be because "it's too difficult for me to keep my personal wants out of the advice". It's easier, but is it what you want? Are you really willing, do you really want to cut us apart because I care for you?

You'll scoff at this, but B, you will not find -anyone- who cares for you more. I know in my heart, beyond a doubt, that I love you more than anyone else you'll ever meet - bf included. For g-ddamn sure I like you more than anyone you've ever known or will ever know. Know why? Because I -know- you B. You've given me the supreme gift of yourself, your innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears. I know many of those things about you. Those things show me that you're not perfect (but still keeping you on the pedastal), and I still like you, still love you. Not in spite of those things, but maybe because of them.

You know in your heart that there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You know, or have a pretty damn good idea of just how much you mean to me, both as a friend and as the woman I love. I know you know. You know that if you needed me in any way, to be in (your city), or moral support, or monetary or whatever, that I would drop everything to be there for you. You fucking well know it, don't you? You think it's easy for me to have to give up the woman I love? I FUCKING LOVE YOU B. I love you. I like you. I want you. I would do anything for you, including, if g-d forbid you wanted it, leaving your life completely. It makes me dizzy and nauseous to even think of it, but B, if you say the word, and if you can tell me that you mean it with all your heart that you want me completely out of your life, I will go. I hope that's not what you want; I don't think it is.

But if we are to stay in each others' lives B, and I believe we will, I hope we will, then let's be in each others' lives and be to each other what we are - the best, most special, most dear, most intimate friends that we are. We can be friends and not be lovers. It hurts, but we can do it. I would rather have you in my life as my best friend than to lose you because you can't be my lover. Do you get that B? But you have to understand this, and you must let it always be a part of your mental image of me: I love you. Understand? I want you for my wife. Do you get that? I would like to have you by my side as my partner for the rest of my life. Do you understand what that means? Can you understand the depth of my feelings for you? I can see that these things might be ?a lot? to carry around when you don't want me in the same way. I can understand that but I can't help it. Those feelings will always be there B.

Fuck - try to understand: I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. -Anyone-. And I've never even met you. Maybe that's the part that's hard for you to understand - that I could have such feelings for someone I've never met. I told you yesterday B that within weeks of us "meeting" I knew I loved you. It was love at first sight, without the sight. Maybe you find that hard to believe. I did, but after all we've been through, after the love we've shared, the troubles we've weathered, the fights we've had, the touching of souls that I have felt (even if you haven't) I have no doubt. None. None whatsoever. So not only do I have to carry with me the crushing fact that the woman that I love doesn't want me, now I see that she seems to not want my friendship either because of the way I feel toward her. Fuck. What do I do with that?

I thought I knew what was in your heart B, but you're doing a good job of convincing me that either you've lost those feelings for me or that they were never there and I've just been fooling myself all along. It hurts, it really hurts, in either case. But truthfully, it doesn't change how I feel about you. You said "we can't control who we love". You're so right. I love you. Now I've lost you, probably lost whatever love you had for me, and it feels as though I'm on the brink of losing you from my life altogether. That's crushing B. Absolutely crushing. I can't go backwards; I can't pretend you don't exist and somehow go through the motions of being back in my marriage. And without you I don't see how I can go forward. At least if I still have you in my life, I still have some part of you. Frankly, the most important part - your mind and your affection. Yes, I want your love and your body and your life, but even if I had those, they'd be nothing without your mind and your affection.

B, baby, love - I want you in my life and I want to be a part of yours. I'm prepared to accept that there'll always be a hole in my heart where you belong. I can accept that either I don't have enough of what you want for you to want me or that bf has more of it. I can share in your life and joys with him. I can be happy for you at the same time I mourn what we never had the chance to have. Yes, it hurts me. Has, does, always will. But because you bring so much more to my life, it's a price I'm willing to pay. And there's no doubt in my mind, and I'm sure you know it too, but I'm making it clear right now - that I will always want you. There will be times when we talk, or when I give you advice or suggestions or joke with you, that you'll feel my desire for you, the heartache I have because I can't have you and that may make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry, really I am. But I cannot help how I feel for you and about you. I can't. And even if I could, I wouldn't. You're too special B. Not only to me, but as a person.

You're a tough cookie - hard to know, hard to figure out. But you are probably the most passionate, most caring woman I think I've ever known. You may not think so, but I see it, I feel it. I know it. I am in awe everyday that you chose me, ME to open up to. I don't deserve it, but I sure am glad you did. If you walk out of my life today, I'm still better for having known you. When we talk, like the closest of friends would and should talk, like I said you will no doubt feel my feelings for you come through at times. I'm sure it'll slant what I say, maybe color my objectivity. So sue me. You think it's done so I can harm you in some way ?hurt or interfere with? your life with bf? You know better. It's because I'm human B. I'm human, I'm pining for the woman that I love with all my heart that I cannot have and who won't have me. I hurt B. More than I thought possible. but I'm so happy to have you in my life that it makes up for the hurt, the loss, makes up for what I want and can't have.

Instead of being angry that my feelings for you may sometimes make me (consciously or unconsciously) spin things to my benefit, try to understand the hurt and pain I feel and understand how much your friendship means to me that even through all my hurt I can still want to help you, to be there for you, to do whatever I can that you ask of me, even to help you strengthen your love/life/relationship with bf. Do you understand that I should hate him? He has your love. He doesn't give you what you want, but he still has your heart and your love. Because of him you are burying a large part of yourself; you are denying yourself the chance to live the life you want. I should hate him with every ounce of strength in my body. I don't like him, for sure. But that's because he has what I want and can't have. I almost feel sorry for him, because I don't think he has any idea, any real appreciation for who you are. If he did, he wouldn't allow you to bury part of yourself. How could he do that to you? How can he not understand what he has in you?

You were hurt when you knew L and I had sex. Understandable. But please, try to see from my perspective B. I have to know, every single day, that the woman I love is going home to someone with whom she's not completely happy or satisfied with. Every day, I have to know that she chooses him over me. Everyday I have to know that she goes home and kisses him, hugs him, shops with him, watches tv with him, goes out to dinner and drinks with him, strips for him, sucks his cock in the living room, licks his balls in the shower, spreads her legs for him, makes love to him, let's -him- touch her.

You might have been hurt thinking about L and I, but that was NOTHING. That relationship is casual. Yours is not. Yours is a life choice, and a choice that I didn't make the cut on. And I love you. Believe me that you do not know what that feels like. And yet, I'm willing, hell excited, to hear about your life, your love life, your sex. I want to talk about the details with you, suggest things that you and he can do to make your love, your life, your sex better between you and bf.

Don't you have to ask how I can do that? But you already know the answer B. Because I love you. More than you know, more than I could believe, more than ever before, more than any to come. I believe that with my heart. Yesterday I told you that I'd been holding back on revealing all my feelings about you, and hadn't told you about my want/dream/desire to propose to you. I held back because I didn't think you wanted to hear or know those things. Maybe I should have, I don't know. Doesn't matter I guess, it's too late now, I've already lost.

Now I want you to know the extent of my feelings, even though now you probably want to know even less than ever. Today I can tell you that even though the pain I feel from losing you, or not winning you, or not being enough of what you want, whatever the reason I can't have you, that pain is overshadowed by the joy and happiness I feel from having you as no one else has you - as my friend. My very best friend. And that joy would be overshadowed if I knew that I was to you the friend unlike any other. The friend that, even though I can't have you and can't have your heart and your love, I have the friendship that you don't, won't, give to anyone else.

We are in tough times right now B. We, or I, at least, have a lot of adjusting to do. I thought I was more of a love to you than I was. I didn't realize how much you wanted to be there with bf, or maybe I just thought I heard you say you were more unhappy than you really are. I'm sorry for the pains my self-lies caused you. I'm sorry too, for me, that what I thought was, really wasn't. But again, over and above it all, I'm so happy that you have wanted me for your friend, a singularly special friend. Please, if there's anyway, please consider keeping me in your life. At least give me the chance to see if I can be enough of the type of friend that you are willing to keep in your life. If I can't, if I fail at that too, then you should make yourself free of me. But even if that were to occur, I will still love you B. If you come to me out of the blue and tell me you need a friend or want me for a lover, you will have me back in an instant.

I don't know what else to say to you B, that I haven't already said. I don't even know if you'll bother to read all this. Hell, I don't even know right now if I'll ever hear your voice again. Please don't punish me for loving you and for wanting you. I fear it doesn't, but I hope this does mean -something- to you, maybe bring you some little bit of warm feeling - I love you B. Always.