Now I Really Understand How Much

Last night I had a tough night, for reasons that aren't really pertinent here. Suffice it to say that I felt significant emotional turmoil, felt that things (like my life) were really spinning out of control.

What would anyone do in that situation? They'd reach out for someone they knew they could count on. Which is exactly what I did. Or tried to do.

B is the one I would reach for. She's the one I've reached for for a long time. She's been my support system, my friend, my rock of stability.

She wasn't available, of course. As soon as I thought of calling her, I knew that I couldn't. Knew that there was absolutely no way for me to get hold of her. None. While I knew that she would have been there for me if possible, it just wasn't possible.

When that realization hit me, it was the end. More than I could take.

Now I understand. Maybe not everything, but I'm beginning to see the reality of what she's meant to me. This is not a bad thing. It's good to have someone in your life like that, someone to whom you can turn, someone who's so important to you that you want to share everything with them, someone who's an integral part of your life.

What's bad is when that person can't be there anymore. B can't be there with, for me, anymore. Not all the time, at least.

Now I really understand how much she's meant to me. Still means to me.

The part that really scares me is how hard it's going to be to get used to her not being there.