B and i, again

sigh....

a day off to a tough start because of her overnight reactions to last nights conversation.... a good day once we got past that...

actually, a damn good day.

my job recently ended. because my work is a bit of a niche, i almost never find work in the same city - at least, i haven't for the last 8 years. actually, since 94 i haven't had two consecutive jobs or careers in the same city.

anyway, so the job hunt had begun, begrudgingly, because what i wanted to do was to go to B's area, hang out there, see her everyday and build us back to the point where she'd want to be an us again. i have enough money that without working i could go three months. throw some kind of job, even low paying, into the mix and the bleeding slows down and i might be able to go as long as six months, maybe more.

the fly in the ointment is that she can't stand the thought of seeing me. the hurts and pains are still too new (about 10 weeks now) and, in her words, the thought of seeing me "disgusts" her. we've gone around and around about this; i think me being there, her starting to see me (and hopefully not see -him- or at least cut it down) would do what we (well, i, anyway - she has a hard time seeing if "us" is something she can even consider again) want - allow us to rebuild and get together, permanently. she thinks it'd be the worst thing for us, that it wouldn't help, that it'd only be bad for me to blow through my money. she has the final say, of course.

so it turns out that i got a job. a job not in this state (B's and my home state), not in her area, but in another state. the same state the whore lives in. not only that, but a three hour drive from the whore. obviously, this concerns me, worries me that B will think that being that close to the whore will allow (make?) that relationship to grow and make us (B and i) not possible. this is not what i want, not what i want to do. B wants me to maintain that relationship, saying that she and i aren't a given, i don't do well alone, we don't know what will happen with us, etc.

a lengthy discussion about what would/could/might happen if i take that job, the effect it'd have on us ensued, taking up the last hour or so of our talk time today. it was kind of heated, but not an "argument" per se, just a heated discussion about things that could happen. we ran out of time before we could fully recover from, come back from that "arms crossed" place. i hate when we end like that, as i never know where she'll take those thoughts overnight.

and in what can only be described as -her-, B called me on her way home. called to say that she hated ending like that, didn't want us to end like that. she is amazing, her compassion and love and whatever it is that makes her who she is, is amazing.

i don't deserve her, but i want her. that's correct but not complete: i want -us-. i know, as she does, that the us that her and i would make would be amazing.... far beyond the sum of the parts. with any luck, the friendship that she and i share and the time her and i will spend talking over the next few months, will heal her enough that she'll be open to having us again.

but this i don't understand

she is always above reproach. she's certainly treated me with much more honesty than i've given her (no matter the reason).,

she told me the account name she uses when she contacts -him-. i asked, she told.

but it was a lie.

this, i admit, surprised me.

on the one hand, i can kinda understand it - she doesn't want me contacting her on that account, doesn't want me interrupting her and him when she's on that account.

but still...

imagine being told that kennedy really was killed by the cia... it's -that- much of a shock.

i'm... i'm... paralyzed by it

again and again and again and again

we had a nice talk last night. she'd called yesterday morning and we had about an hour then last night we had about two.

yesterday morning was hard. as usual, i "started" it by being pissy. we worked through it during the day though.

then last night we had a good conversation.

unexpectedly, she called this morning. because of his schedule, i'd expected a call tomorrow morning but not today. a pleasant surprise, of course. until i found out that he won't be out of town tomorrow. which means no morning, no extra time at night.

and AGAIN (fuck fuck fuck) i got pissy. i couldn't let it go. i let it pull me down and then it pulled us down. and she got frustrated. and we hung up, arms crossed, not close, pulled back.

because of me. again. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

again. and again. and again.

do i never learn?

for shame

months since my last post. years of things have transpired.

bottom line: i hurt her again. AGAIN. this time worse than ever.

and then, she called me late one monday night, just a few weeks ago. called me late, like 2am. she was, unfortunately, leaving -him- after a night of fun and going to meet bf, but still.. she called. she -wanted- to call, wanted to talk to me. we talked for some time.. 45 minutes or so.

and hope springs again.

we're talking. a lot. good talks, too. this week, she agreed not to fuck him and to give us the time to talk instead. that's big. she sees him a LOT. and she gave that up for the week.

last week we talked one night for 7-1/2 hours. that's a work day. and we -talked-. we talked like the saturdays we had a long time ago. then, almost every saturday for quite some time, we'd have 2 to 6 hours to talk. and it was a large part of our connecting, of building who we were and would become. last week's talk was just like that. there was nothing forced, nothing faked and not just skim-the-surface type stuff either. we talked. we connected. we clicked. we were -us-. and just like those saturdays, when it was time to go, we were amazed at how much time had elapsed and how quickly it'd flown by.

just a couple months ago, i made a stupid, stupid mistake and hurt her. again. for the THIRD time. she should not even be talking to me.

and now? now i dare to hope that she'll turn to face us again, that she might -want- us again. which means that the future "us" that was destined to happen could still happen. it needs to happen. how can it not?

i've shaken her faith in what we've always referred to as "us". she's changed (lessened) her view of what she thinks us means to me, of what she means to me. she's hurt tremendously, deep in her soul.

as much as i might wish it to be different (faster), -if- she can want us again, it'll take time. which brings back my fears of years gone by of "no end in sight" to the waiting. she's going to continue to fuck him (and many, many others) and bf and her girlfriends. and strangers. and gangbangs. and every single thing she tells me about, or hints about or doesn't tell me about will put another dagger in my heart.

and if she'll have me, i'm hers.