this hour

there's a new entry in the guiness book of records: the longest hour known to man. that would be the hour between getting here this morning and the earliest possible time she would call.

and it won't be an hour. what with being away over the holidays, plus the office being closed for the week, plus everything else, there'll be lots of office talking going on, so it'll probably be much later before she can find time.

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in many ways i'm such an incurable romantic. (probably another reason B said no to me and yes to him). yesterday i overheard a couple of people talking in the office and one woman said she'd gotten engaged over the holidays.

and even though i don't really know her and wasn't a part of the conversation, my immediate reaction was to chime in and say "that's so cool! my girlfriend(/lover/soulmate) got engaged on xmas too!"

i can only imagine the looks i would've gotten and how difficult that would have been to try to explain. and frankly, once the thought passed through my mind, it didn't seem so cool after all.

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it's been exactly 59 hours since she called me with the news. i wonder what's been happening in her world in that two and a half days. is the coffee table stacked high with modern bride magazines now? is there a list of reception halls to call? numerous potential dates circled on the calendar yet to be checked against other important dates, birthdays, holidays and travel plans?

has she changed her mind? rethought her yes? or has she completely jumped into it, purging all other distractions from her mind? is she breathless with the thought of how close she almost came to opening up her life to me and so thankful that she didn't? or is there perhaps a little twinge of regret that we didn't meet, at least once, before?

despite the hours of brain time i've spent thinking about all this, it hasn't been ?emotionally real? to me yet. but last night, this morning, and now every passing second is starting to bring with it the suffocating -feel- of the truth.

more than anything i want to believe that she's rushing to work, anxious to call, dying to tell me that it was all a mistake, that she's reconsidered, that she can't go through with it, that she's been dying to try to contact me to tell me so. but the truth of the matter is that there's been two full days in between - ample opportunity to find a way to make a quick phone call or send a text message or email.

i can tell myself that it's not final yet or that it's all a mistake or that she's come to her senses. but it's not me that has to say it. and she hasn't said it.

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a correction - a few days ago i wrote:

now just the holiday weekend and one extra day ... and the sun will rise in the east again.

who knew?