another year comes to an end. for B and i, this is our fourth xmas holiday season. tomorrow i leave to see my daughter for a few days and on sunday B leaves to go away for a week with bf. but for -us- today is our last day together for 12 days. (not exactly the 12 days of christmas, huh?).
days off are bad enough. weekends more so. weeks even more so. and while there will be a huge empty spot in my next 12 days, she'll still be with me. what's a little surprising to me is my reaction - it's not what it's always been in the past, which is great anxiety and this looming sense of emptiness. it's -there-, i'm aware of it deep inside.
but this time it's different, there's a kind of calm that surrounds all that. it's the calm of knowing that -we- are waiting at the end of the time. it's a serenity from knowing that even though we'll be apart and out of touch, we'll still be very much together; she'll be with me, in me, as i will be with her. i have no sense of concern about whether or not she'll come back to me and us from this time away - none whatsoever. i KNOW that she'll be back and that it will be a -reunion- not a reintroduction.
there's another element to the calm i feel, although one i'm almost hesitant to voice. it's something i've always wanted and even felt that it was a possibility, but now it feels more like a certainty. dare i hope or think that this will be the last xmas we'll be apart? i feel it.
i know it.
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