lost and directionless

it's overwhelmingly difficult. she's so hurt, so lost, so... alone? and she won't help herself (other than by shutting down) and she won't let me help.

so we go through the day hurting and alone. we're both craving the same thing but neither of us can get there. me, because she needs to initiate the changes and she's unable to do that. until she starts things in motion, -we- can't go anywhere. she's unable to summon the strength or the willpower to make the changes that she needs and (i'm pretty sure) wants to make.

she's scared to leave him. he's the only real adult life and relationship she's ever known and leaving it and him -has- to be a scary proposition. i'd hope that the promise of a much better relationship (we both think it would be better) would be enough to motivate her to summon the courage and the strength to make the change, but it doesn't seem to be motivating her. at least, it's not motivation -enough- to prompt her to take action.

so instead we stay here, in a place where neither of us is happy, where neither of us will -ever- be happy, living lives we don't really want because she can't leave him and i can't have her until she does. because she can't bring herself to make the move and because i've been in ?suspended animation? for so long, she's encouraged me to get out, to find a date, a friend or friend with benefits or a fuck buddy. until i ran across the now-single woman who was a former 3-some pal. that one was the -one- woman B couldn't handle. all because of an unfortunate comment i made when i first met her.

so now the knowledge of my evening and weekend activities (or at least, as B imagines it to be) is more than she can handle. so she shuts down, pushes me and -us- away from her. verbally jabs at me. purposely holds herself back, not letting herself become a part of the -us- that we've been for so long.

and everytime she proclaims the helplessness of our situation or tells me how she'll never forget these last months as the worst of her life, or tells me how the part of her that i know (and that no one else does) is shutting down, dying, never to be renewed, i feel complete and utter helplessness in my heart. how can she say those things? how can she POSSIBLY think that anything i do now, anything i do while waiting for her, could come between us? i understand that it hurts and that it's hard to watch someone you love go to be with another person (i know what that's like - i've watched her leave me and go home to her bf every night for over three years). but when she says things like that it makes me feel sure that despite telling me repeatedly that if/when she was free that she'd seek me out no matter what, i don't feel that assuredness anymore.

i'm afraid. i'm afraid of the very things i've been afraid would happen. she's retreating, choosing to take the easier, non-emotional route, choosing to avoid having to deal with the pain (and joy) of real emotions and instead just shutting down, sublimating herself and her feelings rather than rock the boat and hurt his feelings, rather than have to deal with the conflict and the difficult times that breaking up with him would cause.

so instead we both suffer. no, we all three suffer. he's not happy - he constantly accuses her of cheating on him, saying he'll catch her. she's under constant suspicion, under terrible internal stress and confusion. she's unhappy in a relationship she can't find the strength to leave. and i'm unhappy because of all the above, because she's unhappy and hurting, and yes, because she and i aren't sharing the life we're meant to share. he'll live an essentially loveless, grey life with someone who doesn't really want to be with him. she'll live an empty, hollow existence falling deeper and deeper into despair and disconnectedness. and i'll carry an empty spot in my heart and in my life until i finally settle for a "consolation life".

there has to be a better way.

as nickleback said, in yet another song, "..this life hasn't turned out quite the way i want...".