counting down the hours till

it's almost like it was two years ago. it's the terrible waiting, waiting for time to pass so i can get back to her. two years ago the thanksgiving holiday was terrible for her, i knew it from the message i got that thursday morning, and then the three days of waiting until that monday so we could talk again was interminably long.

i know she's only 12 or so hours away but it seems so distant. distant - that's exactly what i fear she'll be - distant. is she too willing the hours to pass quickly so we can be back in touch? or has she even thought about it, has she even missed 'us' this long weekend?

yet tomorrow when finally we do talk, i can't be how i want to be. i can't tell her that i missed her all weekend - she won't believe it. i can't tell her how utterly disappointed i was when i called her phone over the weekend and she didn't answer, even though i knew that there was absolutely no way she'd answer since it was locked away in a closet. i can't tell her that i don't want us to spend another thanksgiving (or -any- holiday, for that matter) apart because she'll tell me how i should be glad i'm finally living out my "real" life.

she almost doesn't want to hear it, preferring to believe that i've moved on, when nothing could be further from the truth. i'm doing more now, yes; seeing someone, yes. but "moved on"? it's such a preposterous notion. you don't "move on" from the one whose very existence makes your own have some meaning. you find diversions or distractions perhaps. but to "move on"?

i wonder sometimes if her pushing me away is a way for her to justify her not making the changes in her life that i think she really wants to make. as if she can say my interests have shifted away from her and us and because of it, she'd then be silly to make changes in her life.

and yet, nothing could be further from the truth - at least not for me.

it was this time last year that she told me she needed to live her life, to really give it a chance and see if it was the life she wanted before she made a decision to stay or leave. she wanted to give it a few months and give it a fair chance. and a few turned into several and then into another year. and now i wonder - where will we be a year from now? will she decide that the life she has is really what she's wanted all along but that she hasn't been giving it her attention and that she needs to do that - at the cost of us? or will she come to the ?realization?understanding? (as i did three years ago) that our futures should not be separate but rather lived and enjoyed as they should be - together? one part of me says that if she hasn't come to that realization by now that every day that passes makes it less and less likely. and another part says that perhaps (as she's said before) the timing wasn't right and that each day that passes brings us closer to that eventual, possible future.

the only future i want. the same future i saw, wanted and chose three years ago.