grief and grieving

the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

it is not, however, a one-way, straight forward progression.

i find myself going back and forth, constantly. spend some time in denial, then a little anger. then back to denial. repeat umpteen times. then maybe move a little along into bargaining. then back to anger, then bargaining, then back to square one and be firmly in denial.

again.

repeat. make a little progress. fall back to square one.

repeat.

depression is a pretty familiar place for me.

acceptance is really hard coming. after all, it means giving up. it means that all the hopes, dreams, plans ya might have had are basically gone. ok, not basically. -gone-.

it's hard to stay there for very long. although i have to admit, i can accept that eventually i have to be there all the time.

it's a little easier if i think of it as finally stopping interfering in her life and letting her get on with it, repair and rebuild her relationship and her life with him.

it just hurts so damn much. even after knowing (even though i didn't admit it to myself) for over two years.

fuck.

she deserves more than me, that's for sure.

i just didn't realize she'd found it ten years ago.