The Jerk

well, discovered something else i should put on the NY's resolution list: stop being a self-centered jerk.

she didn't/couldn't call till about an hour after she got in. i'd been waiting for her (and getting increasingly excited and then anxious) since the time she'd have been on her drive in. in those 75 minutes, i got more freaked out, more stressed, more anxious than in the entire rest of the time we were apart. how could she not call? how could she not want to call after so long apart? even if the office people were bullshitting, how could she not be anxious to cut it short so she could call?

then i find out that she's been in severe pain since friday.

we have a short talk. then minutes after she goes into a meeting. for three hours. finally we chat a little, but it's stilted; obviously she's not in the mood to chat. or talk. all i can think is she doesn't want to talk to me. me me me. she's in extreme pain and i think it's all about me.

i'm upset because in six days she couldn't find 5 mins to call, couldn't read, couldn't get her mail, didn't call me as soon as she could. yet now i know that the whole time she was barely mobile at all. i'm sure he was very solicitous and stayed with her every minute.

instead of being upset that she doesn't want me like i want her, i should just accept it already. it's not gonna be. she has a love, a life, a lover. it's just not gonna be me. if i can ever just accept that then maybe we could start enjoying the great friendship we have that's just buried under all my regret and hurt and anguish over not being the one she wants. the problem with that is that it means letting go of so much. so much possibility, so much potential, so much love. it means having to get over her. and if i can get through all that, then it means having to open my heart to someone else, someone who would be second choice at best, someone that i'd always know i had to settle for. and whenever i think about loving (even -trying- to love) another, i choke. my heart pounds, my chest tightens, my eyes water, my emotions short circuit. how can i ever love another after i've known her?