certainty. uncertainty.

B said something to me today that really scared/bothered me. She said "you really don't know me anymore, do you?" Iin chat i'd said to her "I hate weekends". I said that because it's gotten to the point where I really do hate weekends - because it's 2 days of not talking to her, of being completely unable to contact her. Ever since we've been unable to talk on the weekends, i've enjoyed them less and less and I hate their approach. I like friday afternoons because we often get some time to talk. I hate friday afternoons because as every second ticks by I know that our time is evaporating and that soon she'll be gone again for another intolerably long weekend.

Anyway, she responded "me too". This was in chat, while we were also on the phone. I said "but for different reasons", which is when she said I don't really know her anymore. What were my thoughts? I know that being away from her is why I hate the weekends. My first thought was a ?hope? that she hated them for the same reason - because we're out of touch. But I don't know. My next thought was that she doesn't like all the time to be with bf. But that seems self-aggrandizing to me; she wants to be there. Not with him, I don't think, even though she admits to loving him, but I think she just wants that -life-, the comforts, the familiarity, the routines.

I thought I knew what she wanted. I thought she wanted me, wanted to see me, to be lovers and even more. I thought she was on the verge of it, on the verge of meeting, even fed up enough at home to be ready to leave. But then it seemed as though she'd decided not to see me, decided that she couldn't (and wouldn't) leave him even though she wasn't getting what she wanted there, seemed as though she just became resigned to living an empty life there, not getting the emotional, intellectual or physical stimulation she wants.

If that's the truth, then I have to think i'm wrong in what I think are her thoughts, wants and feelings, don't I? And the hurt, the pain, the emptiness of not having her becomes too much.

But what if I'm right? what if what i think are her thoughts really are her thoughts, wants, wishes? what if all along i've been right? what if she really does want me but just can't get to that point in her head yet, can't take the actions required to get us together?

and what if i'm wrong?