call me insane

I try. I try to keep it together because the last thing sehe needds is to have any more stress from my shit.

She keeps apologizing to me. Fuck. She has nothing to apologize for,,why does she think she does? She's my angel, my love and all i do is create more stress for her, put more pressure into her life.

She thinks i'm disappointed in her, when nothing could be further from the truth. I'm disappointed, yes. But what I'm disappointed in is that her dreams aren't my dreasm. I dreamed of her, of us together, of closenes and intemacy and times spent together. I hoped that those were her dreams too, and they were. Just that the recipient of her hopes and wishes isn't me. It's him. I'm one end of the classic love triangel, but not the end that she's facing. he gets that position.

and tonight my daughter cancelled our get together. i drove 1000 miles to see her. i haven't seen her in ?3 months?. but she had other things to do.

so the two women in my life who mean more to me than anything don't want me. at least, not the way i want them. my daughter loves me, i'm sure. but it's ?too painful? to have me around, i guess. B loves me, I'm sure of it. But it's too painful to have me because to do so she'd have to give up things she doesnt' want to give up.

i know i've lost. i nkow she's -there- and that here with me is not where she is or is going to be. i should give up, stop making her feel any pressure, let her know that she should be where she wants to be, that it's okay, that it's her life and she deserves to be happy. i ffel like i giving up. liek i should stop interfereing in her life.

but how do you do that? when you've found her, found the one, how do you accept that she's what you've searched for all your life, but that you're not what she's searched for? it's like king arthur pulling the sword from the stone and vanquishing all the evil from the empire, only to have the queen say "but you're not the one".

They say that the definition of "insane" is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Call me insane.

I can't stop.

If there's a one in a billion, one in a trillion chance that -someday- she might have me, how can i do anything but be here?

I love her.