Ani L'ahuvati, v'ahuvati Li

thursday, 7/23/09, was an epic day.

it was the day my future was sealed.

in hebrew there's a well known bridal/love verse:

Ani L'ahuvati, v'ahuvati Li

it's from the Song of Soloman. it means:

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.

thursday, my love and i exchanged rings. nothing legal, nothing elaborate. intensely personal. intensely meaningful. we weren't even in person - we did it via video call, having previously shipped rings to each other.

i love the feel of her ring on my hand. it's a constant, tangible reminder that she is with me.

our future is here.

Sidenote: Hebrew is one of the languages that assigns gender to nouns. The above is as said from a man to a woman. The female to male version would be: Ani L'ahuvi v'ahuvi Li. but it still means "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine".

maybe it is me, after all

i remember coming to this city. i was very apprehensive about leaving our home state in feb for a job here. it felt like such a huge separation, like putting yet another obstacle between us, interfereing with our attempt to get back together.

as always, she was the voice of reason. calmly laid out the pros and cons, the good and the bad. told me time and again that the distance would have no impact on us. told me that it'd be good for me to get a new start somewhere new; new people, new work, new scenery.

my biggest fear was that the distance would make it easier for her to stay away, make it less likely that she'd tell me to come be with her. and what I remember most is her telling me, time and again, "you can always leave in a couple months" [for us to be together].

that was mid-Feb. in feb she told me she was taking a weekend trip in March and maybe i could see her then.

March. no.

April. in april she told me that memorial day was very possible, maybe even likely.

May. not so much.

June. in june she said the 4th of july would be possible, that maybe i could come to her party not as her secret lover, but just as a friend.

July. no.

and now, August. she's promised she'll let me come see her at her birthday in late Sep. "See", not fuck, not kiss, not start our life together... "see"

now that's only a couple months. "you can come see me in a couple months" - a far cry from "you can always leave in a couple months [and come be with me]".

what have i done to this woman, the -one- that i love so much, that she can't even imagine seeing me in person?

maybe it's not her hurts that keep us apart; maybe it is me after all. i mean, i have a lot going for me. i'm a fat, middle aged guy, hypertensive, high cholesterol, diabetic, broke, twice divorced, heavy lifetime alimony payments, soon to be filing bankruptcy, dwindling career choices and opportunities, 11 years her senior and with a history of breaking her heart.

what hot, sexy woman -wouldn't- want to be with me?

oh, right... all of them.

knowing isn't always better...

i just found out i'm diabetic. way diabetic.

i guess congratulations are in order - for me. i've worked hard over the last 6 years to abuse myself as much as possible. bad food, fast food, rich food. alcohol. tons and tons of alcohol. for the last 2 years i've drank about 3-4L of vodka per week. for a couple years before that it was 1-2L per week.

looks like i've succeeded.

i wonder if i was subconsciously trying to prove something to myself. we've just determined that there are no health issues, no social issues, no life issues that are severe enough, that no threat to my life or mental health are enough to get her to overcome her fears and come to me. nothing that can happen to me is enough for her to give up those fears and start our life together. which is the one thing i need.

and now i've proved it.

knowing isn't always better...

useless thoughts and feelings

i'm not feeling taken seriously or something. i know you love me because i feel in my heart that it must be so. i know because of the way you care about me.

the way we are towards each other, the desire and lust we feel, the passion we hold for each other and the love we give each other is like no other couple ever could. i'm sure there's a lot of couples that feel that - but truly, none could compare to what we have. compared to every other couple out there, we shine light years ahead of all the rest.

save one. do you know that compared to that one other couple, I feel like we're just another long term, married, average couple? do you know the shock and desperation and feeling of despair that arises from the clash of -that- with how i feel toward us? how completely opposite it is from what i feel for you and for us?

what echoes in my mind are the times you told me you'd NEVER "rush in" to get back with (to) me, even on a monday. how you said you'll NEVER do that. and you told the truth...about me, anyway.

you've told me how you'd rush to his house in the morning, let yourself in and shed clothes on the way to his bed before spending those morning hours with him. how you'd rush to his house at lunch for those long lunches. how you got so caught up with him that you lost track of time and almost got caught.

today, with all the things we're trying to overcome, with the pain that we both feel at being separated and out of touch over the weekend, you still don't rush back in. you can even make unscheduled stops and not think to call. not that i was expecting a call; i just assumed you were late, overslept, got busy. you rushed to him, eager. tearing off your clothes as you walked through the door. and tell me you overslept. or had errands. it's not a high priority that video problems get fixed. never mind what i want - YOU used to -want- to see me. now? oh well, guess video's still not working.

why is that kind of passion missing when you think of me & us? are we so much less than you and he were/are? when was the last time you ran to us, eager for passion? when was the last time you stripped off your clothes as you anticipated our time together? when was the last time you initiated sex? or even just talked sex to me, on your own, because you wanted to? when, if ever, was the last time you wanted to surprise me with a skype fuck?

a couple weeks ago (it may be just one, feels longer) we talked about doing something to alter our mindset a little. we talked about acting as though we really were a couple, already together, who're just temporarily seperated because of work or something. you agreed, liked the idea, thought it might help us feel closer, might help you let down your guard, feel more free with yourself. you cautioned me that it wouldn't just burst free, that it'd take a little while. to be honest, it may have been only a week ago; it feels like two to me. have you felt anything? have you even once had a fleeting thought that you'd like to give me -whatever-? or do something different? do you remember us talking about this? you cautioned me and i concurred. i knew the floodgates wouldn't come down suddenly. but i thought you were going to lower the walls a little. maybe push yourself to do somethign different - somethign as difficult as letting me see that (*&(#!@ picture of you in a hat and pony tail. g-d baby :-(. am i so low that i can't even see that? you rush to get naked with him just minutes after bf leaves but you can't bring yourself to let me see you clothed, in a hat? how little must i mean to you?