bang, i'm dead

i drove to mom's over the weekend. i certainly had not expected to hear from B. but she called and we talked for 30 mins or so.

and we really talked, like those days of old. we talked, we laughed... and not just laughed, but raucous laughter, belly laughs. it felt so good, so light, so easy, so -us-. all too soon though she had to go.

then she called back, saying she had a few more minutes. and those minutes turned into almost two hours! what a surprise, what a gift, what a great day.

and then she called again on sunday and we got to spend another thirty minutes or so talking.

that was the end of the weekend. and the end of my respite.

last week, she'd agreed not to fuck -him- and to give those hours (and she gets a bunch of hours to spend with -him-) to me, to us, so we could talk. then friday, she extended the "deal" - she wouldn't see -him-, invite -him- over to her house for the B, hubby, lover threesome, if i wouldn't talk to the whore all weekend. no hesitation on my part. and i got the ?relief? of knowing she wouldn't be fucking -him- all weekend, that her husband and her lover wouldn't be spending hours sharing her.

so when i say that was the end of the weekend, the end of the respite, that's really how i felt. because i knew that if bf traveled today, she'd have been fucking -him- in the morning. bf didn't and she didn't.

nevertheless, it's coming. tomorrow is a normal bf-travels-she-fucks--him--morning-and-evening-day. oh joy. she insisted that i call the whore today and touch base. all i could think of was her comment last week that "... because you'll be talking to her during the week, i'll be fucking -him-...". then, when she could tell i was obviously reluctant to make that call, she didn't understand why.

so i told her "you're asking me to pull the trigger at my own execution." meaning that by doing that, i'd be making sure she started fucking -him- again. she never said that if i continued not talking to the whore that she'd continue not fucking -him-, but i still had that hope/connection/hope in my head.

i had no choice not to call and she wouldn't have been happy if i didn't, would've pushed until i did so. so.....

bang, i'm dead.

and still she won't see me. still won't let me come there, see her everyday, give us time together, not take this job that's going to take me far away, not give us this chance to find us again. she's not at that point yet, hasn't healed enough from the last time i betrayed her.

let the fucking begin.