freedom vs imprisonment

will it always be this way?

i wake up and immediately i'm aware of where she is, who she's with and why.

i'm away on my own trip, visiting a friend.

how is it possible that our trips could be -so- different? she has had a couple of days of (mostly leisure) before a few hours of work today and probably a killer day tomorrow. i've had nothing but leisure since my trip started. so why have i done nothing? and why am i sure (other than from knowledge of her previous trips to the same place) that she's been out late, clubbing, shopping, sleeping late, enjoying each other?

life is so strange. i'm -completely- free. within normal and reasonable constraints, i can see anyone i want. i can do anything i want. i have almost no responsibilities, no home to tend to, no pets to take care of. she has a love partner, a life partner, a home, a boat, a business, a pet. so why then is she free to enjoy and go out and have fun and enjoy life with her chosen partner (especially given that she says her relationship is -not- one of love and committment). why is she able to love him, go out, enjoy, have fun in a carefree way. shouldn't it be me doing that? she's built a life that requires her presence and her attention, yet she's free to love and live. my life barely requires that i even be present, yet i'm held captive in a prison of love.

a line from a Dixie Chicks song:

"...longing for the freedom of my chains..."

she's tied down, yet free to be and do and enjoy as she chooses. i'm completely free, yet living in my own private hell of a prison.

she'll never leave him. so while it appears to me that she's living under strict confinement, she is in fact free to do what she wants. she'll never see me. so while it appears that i'm living under total freedom, i'll never be free to love the one i want.

well, that's not quite accurate. i'm free to love her. but not to have her love in return.