let

when i hear the phone disconnect after only a few short, precious minutes i wonder to myself "how can you just let her go??".

truth of the matter is i don't "let" her do anything. she won't let me in. won't let me close. won't let me love her. won't let me see her. won't let us meet.

i have no power, no control. no equality.

i don't "let" anything.

i simply exist until such time as she no longer wants to talk to me. i can hope (for no reason other than it helps me get by) that she might someday want me, want to see me. but i'll go on, waiting every morning for her call, dreading every evening when she leaves until the day she doesn't call anymore. at which time this "me", this self that lives to love her, will finish dying. the body will go on, albeit with spirit and hope dead. and perhaps at some time in the distant future, some pale substitute for the love lost (the love never even allowed to -try- to flourish) might happen along. i'll feel sorry for that one, probably shouldn't even let her in, because she'll never have the whole of me. the biggest part of me will have died and much of the rest will still be mourning that which never was. except that it was in my heart. just not in reality.