What a wonderful day we had yesterday. It was brought on by a confluence of events. Our Tuesday talk was good, no, great and heartfelt and sincere and more importantly, open and honest and frank. And i think she finally got through to me.
And damn it, she's been right all along. But I knew that, knew that what she's been saying all along has been right: that we have to enjoy our relationship as it is, make the most of it of where we are now, of what we are and can be to each other right now. There might be more in the future or there might not, but i can't live with that as the reason for my existence, because every day that passes without having it, without having her at least moving closer to me, to that end, i'd ultimately self-destruct. She said to live each day, being the friends to each other that we are, that we have been, that we know we can be. through that we'll grow together, we'll grow closer and we'll be able to get the maximum benefit and enjoyment from the special relationship that we share now.
of course, she's right. and something changed for me after we hung up tuesday evening. i cried when we hung up, as i'd been doing for several weeks. everytime she left me i felt abandoned, alone, hopeless, desolate, empty. when she hung up tuesday, i felt those things, but briefly, perhaps five or ten minutes versus what had been happening before (where i was completely useless, immobile for up to 30 minutes and then a zombie for the rest of the evening). and then... it lifted. i felt her with me, heard her words again and it was suddenly clear, suddenly not made sense, because it did before, but suddenly i ?accepted? the logic of it.
i was upbeat the rest of the night. still a little muted, because i was missing her, but then i miss her every minute we're not together, but ?at peace? almost?
wednesday. wednesday our day together was ?amazing?. it was a day out of our book of "Wonderful Days from our past". We were close, open, comfortable. without the cloud of ?despair? (from me) obscuring our friendship and covering up what we have, we were able to see each other clearly for perhaps the first time in a long time. the connection was clear and strong and almost instant. the connection was strong and deep and opened our sensual sides to each other in a way that hasn't happened in a long time. there wasn't sex per se, but there was sexuality. we talked about sex, talked sexily to each other, enjoyed each others' sexual self. without forcing or trying, i rose to dominate and own her and she gave herself to me, bared her throat to me, completely giving herself to me.
she is my light, my love, my friend. i'm so glad she stayed long enough for me to come out of my funk, my despair, my depression over not having her.
she is my friend. my best friend. and yes, my soulmate.
and i love her.
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