Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
in the clouds
sometimes, life is just so good, so wonderful that you wind up walking around with your head in the clouds. and that's a great place to be....
of course, there are dangers with that, too....
there's a danger that the road you're walking will turn a bit, even slightly, and without even noticing it, pretty soon you're not on the same road anymore....
and the danger with straying from the road is that you take that next step..... and find yourself stepping off the precipice...
of course, there are dangers with that, too....
there's a danger that the road you're walking will turn a bit, even slightly, and without even noticing it, pretty soon you're not on the same road anymore....
and the danger with straying from the road is that you take that next step..... and find yourself stepping off the precipice...
Thursday, August 13, 2009
i know what dying feels like
i know what dying feels like.
i die everyday. have died everyday for six years. yeah sure, maybe those are little deaths, but they do destroy the soul. i wonder if really dying is like all of those combined or if the only difference in really dying is that the pain actually stops?
it's gotten worse lately. it was worse last year, when i thought we were on the road to recovery, to getting together. but i fucked that up. this january i thought we were headed toward being together again. there's been several times along the way that i thought the end of this and the beginning of us was finally in sight. memorial day, the 4th, labor day, her birthday; and looking ahead i see the next milestones we'll miss - her birthday, halloween, thanksgiving, new years, my birthday.
every day that we end our day not getting together is another death. the time of death is around 5 pm my time, when she tells me she has to go. has to go home to her husband, her home, her life. then hours of hurt and loneliness until i get to wake up alone the next morning, knowing that she's waking up with him. i shower, dress, go to work, wait until she gets in and makes contact. then a few hours of life until she leaves again.
all the times i thought we were close, meaning within a couple months, and then didn't, the deaths become more real, more painful, harder to recover from. each death takes a slightly larger piece of my soul. like my love for her, my soul (i think) is infinite, so hopefully no matter how many deaths there are, no matter how many more deaths there are, no matter how many little chips are destroyed, there'll still me more. hopefully some day she'll want me.
i can't imagine bearing this desolate emptiness even a single day longer. but i can't imagine being without her, either. i laugh very little, except with her. i -feel- very little (besides emptiness and pain) except with her. there is a g-d, because he made her. i hope he doesn't let my heart die before she can heal.
it used to be that when a date was ruled out it was a terrible, crushing moment/day. just today she confirmed, indirectly, that there will not be a visit next week, even though she said she'd think about it. i'm crushed, hopelessly crushed and in pain. but it's a dull pain, i feel it as a dull pain, even though i know it's huge. there's only so much pain the brain and the heart can register before being on overload. at that point, you're aware of the pain, but can't really feel it or seperate it from the rest of the sea of pain.
and consider that... she thought about a visit next week... and still can't do it. g-d.
i die everyday. have died everyday for six years. yeah sure, maybe those are little deaths, but they do destroy the soul. i wonder if really dying is like all of those combined or if the only difference in really dying is that the pain actually stops?
it's gotten worse lately. it was worse last year, when i thought we were on the road to recovery, to getting together. but i fucked that up. this january i thought we were headed toward being together again. there's been several times along the way that i thought the end of this and the beginning of us was finally in sight. memorial day, the 4th, labor day, her birthday; and looking ahead i see the next milestones we'll miss - her birthday, halloween, thanksgiving, new years, my birthday.
every day that we end our day not getting together is another death. the time of death is around 5 pm my time, when she tells me she has to go. has to go home to her husband, her home, her life. then hours of hurt and loneliness until i get to wake up alone the next morning, knowing that she's waking up with him. i shower, dress, go to work, wait until she gets in and makes contact. then a few hours of life until she leaves again.
all the times i thought we were close, meaning within a couple months, and then didn't, the deaths become more real, more painful, harder to recover from. each death takes a slightly larger piece of my soul. like my love for her, my soul (i think) is infinite, so hopefully no matter how many deaths there are, no matter how many more deaths there are, no matter how many little chips are destroyed, there'll still me more. hopefully some day she'll want me.
i can't imagine bearing this desolate emptiness even a single day longer. but i can't imagine being without her, either. i laugh very little, except with her. i -feel- very little (besides emptiness and pain) except with her. there is a g-d, because he made her. i hope he doesn't let my heart die before she can heal.
it used to be that when a date was ruled out it was a terrible, crushing moment/day. just today she confirmed, indirectly, that there will not be a visit next week, even though she said she'd think about it. i'm crushed, hopelessly crushed and in pain. but it's a dull pain, i feel it as a dull pain, even though i know it's huge. there's only so much pain the brain and the heart can register before being on overload. at that point, you're aware of the pain, but can't really feel it or seperate it from the rest of the sea of pain.
and consider that... she thought about a visit next week... and still can't do it. g-d.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
why is he more important?
here's a news flash: i'm not doing good.
how is it possible that at this stage in the life of a middle age, middle class white professional there's not a single thing that's going well? Okay, maybe that's not entirely true; my current contract gig is a -great- place to work, but even that is overshadowed by potential downside. They might offer me a permanent position - which would be great. they have great benefits, a great working atmosphere, solid company. the downside is that because of my alimony and pending bankruptcy, i may not be able to -afford- to work here because it'll likely be about a 20% cut from what i'm making now. anyway, that's months down the road.
i'm pretty sure there's a cavity in my bottom back right molar. it just popped up yesterday with sudden sensitivity to heat and cold. great. that's my reward for not going to the dentist for the last 2 years. that was all part of my "fuck it, my life sucks so what's the point" campaign. which has been on hold a little but is gonna come back full swing pretty soon. B and i had an agreement; i'd go to the doctor to get some things looked at and she'd follow up with a health issue that she's been avoiding for two years. so, i've been going to the doctor. diagnosed with diabetes & high blood pressure, both being addressed now with diet and medication. had a hernia repaired. now that surgery's past i can get to the dentist for that long delayed work. B hasn't kept up her end of the bargain. she's no closer to getting to the doctor than she was 8 weeks ago. the irony of it is that i've been addressing my health issues, which may help me live longer. won't that be great if she decides not to be with me?
here's a good news/bad news thing: B's been sending me pics over the last few weeks. but yahoo hasn't been delivering them. from yahoo to yahoo - no picture delivery. from her to my work, no problem (but hard to send XXX shots to work, not that they are). from me to her, no problem. the ONLY time it doesn't work is when she's sending pics to me. go figure. well that's not entirely true. when there's something i want her to read and there's limited time before she has to go, those emails, from me to her, never seem to go through either.
bf, with the help of the universe, has been finding new and novel ways to interfere with the already limited amount of time that B and i have to talk. he's almost completely stopped traveling. he still goes, maybe once a week, but only for a few hours, not the 9am - 7pm trips he used to make. those were great because it gave B and i a couple extra hours twice a week to talk. of course, those trips don't compare to the 5am - midnight trips he took twice a week last year which gave B many morning hours and many, many evening hours to fuck -him-. and that's besides the every weekend, all weekend 3somes in which bf -invited- him to come play. the last couple of weeks he's traveled once on his usual tues/thurs trips; and then he came back at 5. now you'd think that'd be no big deal, because B stays at the office and we usually talk to 630 anyway. but no! because bf was gonna be driving by the office around 5, she had to leave early because she doesn't want him stopping in to her office, because it might not be "clean" (of incriminating evidence). so, not only does he hardly travel at all, he comes back early, and his coming back early cuts our time extra short. ain't life grand? the other day, bf and the universe cooked up a particularly good one. B teaches classes Mon & Wed night; bf usually (used to, anyway) travels on Tues & Thurs. Her car started acting up Monday, so he took it on Tues to check it out. no, of course he didn't travel. he decided it had to go to the shop (which it did - it sounded terrible). which meant that bf had to pick B up at the office. and of course he came early, cutting an hour and a half out of the 2 hours we might normally had had.
i can't wait to see what's in store for the rest of this week/month/year. it's been a banner time so far in so many ways.
B and i had been video skyping from her office after work for many weeks. suddenly it stopped working. for a while she could see me but i couldn't see her. then that stopped too. i've suggested several alternatives: other video chat clients, getting her network guy to verify router settings, piggybacking on someone else's wifi. yes, yes, yes, she's agreed to all of them. but, she's pretty busy, granted. now, i completely understand that even though she says she wants me to be able to see her, that i probably haven't really earned the right yet. perhaps she'd let me see her before she was really ready to and now she's changed her mind. maybe i've been a badder boy than a good boy and i've lost the right to see her. i get it. she's the one who's been hurt and she absolutely has the right to determine what privileges i get wrt her. but here's the real kicker. she's said all along that it was important to her to be able to see me, that she -wanted- to see me (in video, not in person). but it's not important enough to fix. it would seem i've been demoted from that as well.
but this is the thing that's been gnawing at me for some time... B's biggest concern has always been that she doesn't want bf hurt by learning that she was cheating on him or being caught with indisputable evidence that she's involved with someone else. that's both understandable and honorable. nobody wants to be blindsided by finding out that their SO is leaving them for someone else. (like mine did). her goal is to, when she's ready, tell him she's not happy and that she's leaving. in the meantime, she's willing to do anything to prevent bf from finding out and being hurt. i know that staying there is hurting her; she's depressed, getting headaches and an ulcer, just generally not happy. but here's what i can't answer: why is protecting bf's feelings so much more important that her own happiness and well being? she knows what staying there is doing to her. she also knows what staying there is doing to -me-. why is protecting bf, even at the cost of the damage to herself and the hurt and damage to me (who she says she loves), more important?. why is bf more important than her and i put together? what makes his feelings and his emotional health so fucking important? her staying there is killing her and it's killing me. WHY IS HE MORE IMPORTANT? i left my life because i thought there -might be a chance- that B would be with me. B won't leave hers even though she doesn't want to be there and the life she does want is standing here, waiting with open arms.
maybe the problem really is -me-.
why won't she leave bf now, even if not to be with me, but just to be on her own for awhile? she repeatedly says she's dead there, can't stand being there, doesn't love him, will have no problem leaving him. so why not do it? she's said she needs time to heal from the hurts and betrayals i've caused her. but, she's not able to heal being there with bf. she can't/won't come to me before she's had time to heal. catch-22. she needs to heal before coming to me, can't heal at home with bf and won't leave bf until she feels better. i think that -together- we could both heal so much faster than trying to do it alone. at the very least, a few months of her living on her own would do her so much good. she'd be away from the home that she doesn't want to be in. she'd have free time, time on her own, to spend however she wanted. we'd have so much more time to talk and so much less pressure on us. even though i wouldn't be happy that she left bf but still isn't coming to me, at least it'd be a step in the right direction. even if she then decided that she couldn't be with me, at least she'd be free of bf and able to persue the life she wants.
maybe the problem really is -me-.
how is it possible that at this stage in the life of a middle age, middle class white professional there's not a single thing that's going well? Okay, maybe that's not entirely true; my current contract gig is a -great- place to work, but even that is overshadowed by potential downside. They might offer me a permanent position - which would be great. they have great benefits, a great working atmosphere, solid company. the downside is that because of my alimony and pending bankruptcy, i may not be able to -afford- to work here because it'll likely be about a 20% cut from what i'm making now. anyway, that's months down the road.
i'm pretty sure there's a cavity in my bottom back right molar. it just popped up yesterday with sudden sensitivity to heat and cold. great. that's my reward for not going to the dentist for the last 2 years. that was all part of my "fuck it, my life sucks so what's the point" campaign. which has been on hold a little but is gonna come back full swing pretty soon. B and i had an agreement; i'd go to the doctor to get some things looked at and she'd follow up with a health issue that she's been avoiding for two years. so, i've been going to the doctor. diagnosed with diabetes & high blood pressure, both being addressed now with diet and medication. had a hernia repaired. now that surgery's past i can get to the dentist for that long delayed work. B hasn't kept up her end of the bargain. she's no closer to getting to the doctor than she was 8 weeks ago. the irony of it is that i've been addressing my health issues, which may help me live longer. won't that be great if she decides not to be with me?
here's a good news/bad news thing: B's been sending me pics over the last few weeks. but yahoo hasn't been delivering them. from yahoo to yahoo - no picture delivery. from her to my work, no problem (but hard to send XXX shots to work, not that they are). from me to her, no problem. the ONLY time it doesn't work is when she's sending pics to me. go figure. well that's not entirely true. when there's something i want her to read and there's limited time before she has to go, those emails, from me to her, never seem to go through either.
bf, with the help of the universe, has been finding new and novel ways to interfere with the already limited amount of time that B and i have to talk. he's almost completely stopped traveling. he still goes, maybe once a week, but only for a few hours, not the 9am - 7pm trips he used to make. those were great because it gave B and i a couple extra hours twice a week to talk. of course, those trips don't compare to the 5am - midnight trips he took twice a week last year which gave B many morning hours and many, many evening hours to fuck -him-. and that's besides the every weekend, all weekend 3somes in which bf -invited- him to come play. the last couple of weeks he's traveled once on his usual tues/thurs trips; and then he came back at 5. now you'd think that'd be no big deal, because B stays at the office and we usually talk to 630 anyway. but no! because bf was gonna be driving by the office around 5, she had to leave early because she doesn't want him stopping in to her office, because it might not be "clean" (of incriminating evidence). so, not only does he hardly travel at all, he comes back early, and his coming back early cuts our time extra short. ain't life grand? the other day, bf and the universe cooked up a particularly good one. B teaches classes Mon & Wed night; bf usually (used to, anyway) travels on Tues & Thurs. Her car started acting up Monday, so he took it on Tues to check it out. no, of course he didn't travel. he decided it had to go to the shop (which it did - it sounded terrible). which meant that bf had to pick B up at the office. and of course he came early, cutting an hour and a half out of the 2 hours we might normally had had.
i can't wait to see what's in store for the rest of this week/month/year. it's been a banner time so far in so many ways.
B and i had been video skyping from her office after work for many weeks. suddenly it stopped working. for a while she could see me but i couldn't see her. then that stopped too. i've suggested several alternatives: other video chat clients, getting her network guy to verify router settings, piggybacking on someone else's wifi. yes, yes, yes, she's agreed to all of them. but, she's pretty busy, granted. now, i completely understand that even though she says she wants me to be able to see her, that i probably haven't really earned the right yet. perhaps she'd let me see her before she was really ready to and now she's changed her mind. maybe i've been a badder boy than a good boy and i've lost the right to see her. i get it. she's the one who's been hurt and she absolutely has the right to determine what privileges i get wrt her. but here's the real kicker. she's said all along that it was important to her to be able to see me, that she -wanted- to see me (in video, not in person). but it's not important enough to fix. it would seem i've been demoted from that as well.
but this is the thing that's been gnawing at me for some time... B's biggest concern has always been that she doesn't want bf hurt by learning that she was cheating on him or being caught with indisputable evidence that she's involved with someone else. that's both understandable and honorable. nobody wants to be blindsided by finding out that their SO is leaving them for someone else. (like mine did). her goal is to, when she's ready, tell him she's not happy and that she's leaving. in the meantime, she's willing to do anything to prevent bf from finding out and being hurt. i know that staying there is hurting her; she's depressed, getting headaches and an ulcer, just generally not happy. but here's what i can't answer: why is protecting bf's feelings so much more important that her own happiness and well being? she knows what staying there is doing to her. she also knows what staying there is doing to -me-. why is protecting bf, even at the cost of the damage to herself and the hurt and damage to me (who she says she loves), more important?. why is bf more important than her and i put together? what makes his feelings and his emotional health so fucking important? her staying there is killing her and it's killing me. WHY IS HE MORE IMPORTANT? i left my life because i thought there -might be a chance- that B would be with me. B won't leave hers even though she doesn't want to be there and the life she does want is standing here, waiting with open arms.
maybe the problem really is -me-.
why won't she leave bf now, even if not to be with me, but just to be on her own for awhile? she repeatedly says she's dead there, can't stand being there, doesn't love him, will have no problem leaving him. so why not do it? she's said she needs time to heal from the hurts and betrayals i've caused her. but, she's not able to heal being there with bf. she can't/won't come to me before she's had time to heal. catch-22. she needs to heal before coming to me, can't heal at home with bf and won't leave bf until she feels better. i think that -together- we could both heal so much faster than trying to do it alone. at the very least, a few months of her living on her own would do her so much good. she'd be away from the home that she doesn't want to be in. she'd have free time, time on her own, to spend however she wanted. we'd have so much more time to talk and so much less pressure on us. even though i wouldn't be happy that she left bf but still isn't coming to me, at least it'd be a step in the right direction. even if she then decided that she couldn't be with me, at least she'd be free of bf and able to persue the life she wants.
maybe the problem really is -me-.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
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