life, rev 3

well, at least some uncertainty's been removed.

there will not be an -us- until april-ish, 2010, at best.

there won't be any B in my summer.

she has promised, as best she can do, that she'll let me see her right before her birthday - which is a little over four months from now. add the required number of visits, the time between and the holiday bumps to figure out where that puts the first possibility of there being an -us- that consists of B and i. i'm too numb to do it right this second, but i guess it works out to april-ish.

of course, that depends on her actually being able to see me right before her birthday. she thought for sure we'd be seeing each other by memorial day, but that ain't happening. four+ more months seems like the odds get raised, but there's no guarantee.

so what the f-ck do i do with my summer now? i'd really planned on seeing her, really thought it was a possibility, something she wanted. despite being the eternal pessimist, i had truly let myself believe that we'd be seeing each other this summer. i KNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWFUCKINGKNOW that things never work out like i want, that's why i'm a fucking pessimist. so why do i let myself be so optimistic with regard to her? oh, right - because she's the woman i love. because i can't imagine a life without her in it. because i don't want a life without her in it. because there is no life without her in it.

this does remove some uncertainty though. i'll definitely be going through my legal issues on my own. i know where i -won't- be living.

damn. when the numbness wears off, this is really gonna suck. and hurt.

life, revised

well, obviously a visit didn't happen this week. it wasn't even discussed.

and since it wasn't even raised as a possibility, it's safe to assume that next week won't either. and she's gone the following week. so that means that May isn't gonna happen.

that's a -real- disappointment, for a couple of reasons. the first is obvious: she still doesn't want to see me.

the second is more of a personal disappointment (as though being told, even round-aboutly, that your love doesn't want to see you isn't a personal disappointment). to the best of my recollection, i'd asked her, back in march during the long weekend of talk time we had when she was traveling, if she thought we'd see each other by Memorial Day. and she'd quickly, positively and quite firmly said "oh yes, definitely by then".

maybe not so much. but i have to say, it did make me feel a little better during all those intervening weeks.

sigh.

while i'm sure her goal wasn't to make the boy feel a little better, it did accomplish something more important: it relieved her of some of the stress from me of pushing for a visit.

and now we're here. or more accurately, she's there and i'm here. one thousand, one hundred and fifty one miles apart.

if only it were just miles. miles can be conquered by car, by plane, hell, by walking if need be.