The other day when B and I talked she said some things to me that were very, very important to me. I knew immediately in her voice that the "old B" was there. I was coming off one of my worst days in a long time - how's that for a dichotomy of emotions? I asked her if she wanted me to "stick around" - she said she'd like me to. She told me she wanted me to know that she's not just closed off to me, that she's been closed off to everyone.
And the thing she said that meant more to me than anything - she said "you mean a lot to me, you're important to me and you've touched my heart." I'm not sure I've ever heard sweeter words, at least not in a long time (okay, since the last time she told me she loved me).
The rest of that day was great. We had a couple of phone conversations about business stuff, then a nice long talk in the evening, again mostly business, but it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't really matter to me what we talk about - business, computers, movies, work, money, news, anything. Just the act of talking to her is important. I've never felt so connected, no, maybe "involved in the conversation" is a better description, as when we talk. Even these days talking to anyone else, my mind wanders, I get bored. But not when I talk to her - I'm completely focused. I don't think it's -me- though, I think it's -her-. Something about her pulls me, keeps me involved. She makes me think what I have to say is important, that it actually has some value. She talks to me like she truly -wants- to tell -me- things.
And then there was today. A very short "hi" IM at 11, a brief IM at 3, then finally a call about 4:30. But I could tell she wasn't there, wasn't into talking. Not completely sure if she wasn't into talking at all or just not into talking to me. They're both bad, the latter just more so. They're both bad because before, we'd have talked anyway. She'd have been glad to be talking to -me-, even if she didn't have much to say or really didn't feel like talking in general, there'd have been some gladness in her that -we- were talking.
Not today. Not anymore it seems. When she's closed off, withdrawn, that's it - I'm shut out like the rest of the world. Except the rest of the world gets her - they get to see her, be around her, have her in their physical world. She'll go home to bf and she may still be closed off, still be non-talkative, but there'll be some interaction. She'll be there, with him. There'll be dinner, maybe TV, some small talk. There'll be bedtime. Even without sex, she'll be there, touchable, close. He has no idea what a treasure he has, just inches away from him.
When she -wants- to get off the phone, -wants- to not talk anymore, it kills me, rips my heart from my chest. I long for her contact so much, crave it, need it. Fine, I've already admitted I'm obsessed, but not stalker-fan obsessed. I'm found-the-one-I-love obsessed. She used to joke that in my mental picture of her she was always on a pedastal, that when she walked, she didn't walk, her feet didn't touch the ground but she glided across it. It's TRUE! That's how I see her.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Catching up
Wow...it's been almost three weeks since I've written anything here. My lack of written thoughts doesn't imply that nothings' happened in my life though, that's for sure.....
So much has happened. I was sure I'd lost her. Then we were talking again. I was in her area and stupidly spent time trying to find her. I didn't start out to find her - I'd hoped that if I was close to her area that she'd agree to meet me for lunch. Just for lunch. She'd told me no in no uncertain terms, so what fucking mental defect do I have that allows me to convince myself that "well, maybe if I'm geographically closer to her she'll change her mind"? Fuck me.
Not only did I do this once, I did it on two days. Idiot. I'm sure she was more disappointed and put off by me and my actions by the end of the second day than ever. G-d she just doesn't understand how much I need to see her, to meet her, to make her real to my world. That day, the disappointment that I caused myself that day, was probably the lowest, worst I've felt in a long, long time.
When I drove home that night, I was ten times lower than despondent. I found myself crying out loud, talking to myself even, trying to make some sense of all of it. Sometimes I found myself just driving, not even aware of where I was. There's a section of about 70 miles with no gas stations. About an hour before I reached it, I made a note to get gas before crossing that section. The next thing I knew, I was 35 miles into it and my gas light blinked on. Fuck me. Turns out that there's now a gas station about half way across, so I made it there with literally fumes to spare.
We've been talking and keeping it together since then. We're having a lot less time to talk than we ever have and I'm not taking it very well.
Yesterday was another particularly low day. B called mid morning for a few minutes. I knew immediately that she was distant, but something was different, although frankly I'm not sure if it was in her or in me. After we hung up, I just sat at my desk for about 15 minutes. I was numb. I was hurting. I was trying to not burst into sobs at my desk. I managed to keep it together for awhile, but when I knew I was losing the battle I went out into my car and drove to a deserted section of the parking lot. That probably wasn't a good move either, as the place I parked was the same place I used to go when B and I talked all the time. Being there, together with the emotions from the short morning call was all I could stand. I sat there, bawling, for about 30 minutes.
Men and women who read this, if any, will probably not understand how a grown man could cry so much. Frankly, I hope they never can understand it. Because to really understand what I feel, they'd have to be on the verge of losing the most important person in their life. They'd have to see the person they love withdraw from the world, from them, pull away until they were almost out of reach. They'd have to live not knowing if that person wanted them in their lives anymore, hoping desperately that they do, yet also being afraid that the person they love was feeling withdrawn because of the love they felt for that person. I hope, truly hope that no one ever discovers that feeling, because it is the lowest point you can ever be.
She said "maybe" we'd talk later in the afternoon yesterday. When it got to be about 6pm I gave up hope of hearing from her again that day. Inside, I could feel more hope of having her in my life slipping away as well. And damn it if I wasn't sitting here crying again when the phone rang and it was her. We had a short talk and then she was gone, but it made all the difference in the world to me.
So much has happened. I was sure I'd lost her. Then we were talking again. I was in her area and stupidly spent time trying to find her. I didn't start out to find her - I'd hoped that if I was close to her area that she'd agree to meet me for lunch. Just for lunch. She'd told me no in no uncertain terms, so what fucking mental defect do I have that allows me to convince myself that "well, maybe if I'm geographically closer to her she'll change her mind"? Fuck me.
Not only did I do this once, I did it on two days. Idiot. I'm sure she was more disappointed and put off by me and my actions by the end of the second day than ever. G-d she just doesn't understand how much I need to see her, to meet her, to make her real to my world. That day, the disappointment that I caused myself that day, was probably the lowest, worst I've felt in a long, long time.
When I drove home that night, I was ten times lower than despondent. I found myself crying out loud, talking to myself even, trying to make some sense of all of it. Sometimes I found myself just driving, not even aware of where I was. There's a section of about 70 miles with no gas stations. About an hour before I reached it, I made a note to get gas before crossing that section. The next thing I knew, I was 35 miles into it and my gas light blinked on. Fuck me. Turns out that there's now a gas station about half way across, so I made it there with literally fumes to spare.
We've been talking and keeping it together since then. We're having a lot less time to talk than we ever have and I'm not taking it very well.
Yesterday was another particularly low day. B called mid morning for a few minutes. I knew immediately that she was distant, but something was different, although frankly I'm not sure if it was in her or in me. After we hung up, I just sat at my desk for about 15 minutes. I was numb. I was hurting. I was trying to not burst into sobs at my desk. I managed to keep it together for awhile, but when I knew I was losing the battle I went out into my car and drove to a deserted section of the parking lot. That probably wasn't a good move either, as the place I parked was the same place I used to go when B and I talked all the time. Being there, together with the emotions from the short morning call was all I could stand. I sat there, bawling, for about 30 minutes.
Men and women who read this, if any, will probably not understand how a grown man could cry so much. Frankly, I hope they never can understand it. Because to really understand what I feel, they'd have to be on the verge of losing the most important person in their life. They'd have to see the person they love withdraw from the world, from them, pull away until they were almost out of reach. They'd have to live not knowing if that person wanted them in their lives anymore, hoping desperately that they do, yet also being afraid that the person they love was feeling withdrawn because of the love they felt for that person. I hope, truly hope that no one ever discovers that feeling, because it is the lowest point you can ever be.
She said "maybe" we'd talk later in the afternoon yesterday. When it got to be about 6pm I gave up hope of hearing from her again that day. Inside, I could feel more hope of having her in my life slipping away as well. And damn it if I wasn't sitting here crying again when the phone rang and it was her. We had a short talk and then she was gone, but it made all the difference in the world to me.
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