Love, Life, Stuff

It's a beautiful life

2010-03-12T06:54:00.001-06:00

WARNING: if you're looking for daisies, puppies and feel good crap, you ain't gonna find it here. move along.

Remember that foreign film "It's a Beautiful Life" a few years ago? A guy gets caught up in the chaos of Nazi occupied France (I think, location not important) and despite all the terrible things that happen to him, he never loses his optimism and love of life. In a cosmically ironic ending, he's killed by the last retreating Nazi just moments before help arrives.

I'm not that positive.

Now -THIS- is a beautiful life. Oh, and I'm gonna bitch and moan about how my life sucks. I really don't want to hear how bad your life is, I want to bitch about mine. You don't wanna hear, great; click the Home button now. I don't want to get into a pissing contest. I don't want you trying to show me that it's really not so bad, because "you have your health" (I don't), "you have friends" (I don't), "you have a great job" (I don't) or any of the usual platitudes and bullshit, okay? I WANT TO BITCH.

if you don't like it? fuck off.

now that I think about it, I'm just going to give details of -this week-. If you can read all the way through it and can think of any reason I shouldn't put a fucking bullet in my brain, feel free to leave a comment.

okay.. let's see. there's so much to detail, where do I start? maybe I'll just go chronologically, starting last sunday.

sunday i worked. i'd hoped to resolve the last few bugs in the application i'm working on so the testing could resume and we could deploy the app on schedule. sunday didn't go well. sunday was also probably the best day of the week. by the way, sunday was my 48th straight day of work.

starting monday morning, my blood sugar (i'm borderline diabetic) started soaring from its normal level of about 130 up to as high as 250. i've NEVER had a 250 reading in the 9 months since I was diagnosed. since monday, it's ranged between 175 and 245. no change in diet, no change in meds, no change in anything except about a 1000% boost in overall stress level.

my ex called me. that in itself isn't a -bad- thing, but it's usually a call for more money. not this time. i got a summons delivered to her house. i'm being sued for about $200k over a bad real estate deal from ten years ago, when a "partner" decided he needed a fall guy and i fit the bill. btw, this thing has been hanging like the sword of damocles for a few years now. just at the end of last year it looked like they weren't going to pursue it and i'd started to relax. what the fuck was i thinking?

the flusher handle on my toilet broke. home depot is kinda outta the way so i figured the next time i got there i'd buy one and in the meantime, i lift the lid and pull the chain. inconvenient, but no biggie. one night, in a hurry, i didn't pay attention and the chain got caught under the flapper (hehe, the flapper in the crapper) and kept running. my landlady heard it, zoomed into -my- bathroom and saw the problem and got all FUCKING PISSY about it. no big deal, say i, next time i get to hd, i'll replace it, give you the $6 receipt and all's well in shitterville. not so much. she texted me saying "I took care of the problem". um, okay, fine. except, and pardon me while i chuckle a moment, the one she bought and tried to put on herself didn't fit. sometimes it's the little things in life, ya know?

my beloved and i had a week of fights. wednesday bf "needed" her to do something for him so she left work early; no talk time. thursday, after suffering through my negativity and non-understanding, she decided she'd had enough and -chose- to leave without talking. instead she called hubby to meet her and they went out drinking. i imagine there was a lot more than drinking going on. but, wtf, it's about time she started living her life again.

last night, talking with landlady again, i asked how her daughter was doing in her semester abroad and when she was coming back to the states. "oh, by the way" she says. "she's going to live here when she gets back, so you got 30 days to move out". for real?

i play poker twice a week in a very low key, low stakes ($5 buy in) tournament style game. it's really more of an excuse to get away from the real world than to play "good" poker. well, now we got an asshole who i just cannot tolerate. sometimes there are people with whom you simply cannot make a connection of any kind. he's one of 'em. last night pretty much proved it to me. so, this saturday, which btw is the one year anniversary of our poker group, will be my last night. i will miss them very much.

yesterday B told me that she's pretty much done. not in so many words, but she's about had it up to -here- with me. i guess i don't blame her and i can see her point - i'm negative and constantly "kicking" her. she's right. i do that. but i do that because i don't understand why, after 14 months of "trying to get back together" we're no closer to that goal. i don't understand why she won't leave the situation that she doesn't want to be in, that makes her depressed and unable to come to me. well, duh? isn't -that- obviously a catch 22? our only visit in a year, last september, went poorly. i got angry because when i tried to get within 20' of her, she bolted. we're both over 40 years old; aren't we big enough to just do whatever needs to be done? i don't get it. but that, apparently, is the major reason she's about to kill us.

and today's friday. know what that means? only three more work days til monday. oh joy.

i have no idea whether or not i'l hear from her today. knowing her as i do, i expect she'll at least pop in and say hi and bye. there'll be some reason she can't stay and talk this afternoon like we usually do. and then she'll be off to pick up her life again. and trust me, by monday, she could be waaaaay back into it. by tonight she could have her standing threesome back in action and by sunday she could have had her first gang bang in over a year. whatever she chooses to do, i just want her to find happiness. the happiness that i thought would come with being together with me.

it's not the first time i've been way wrong. probably won't be the last.

oh, i forgot! i left the game early last night, got food, went home. the landlady was painting the inside of the door to the garage (yeah, at 945 at night) and i couldn't even get a beer to have with my food. fuck, really?

i know that some of you people out there with great lives will say "oh, it's not so bad", "it'll get better", "there's always a silver lining". gimme a fucking break. this shit is just what's happened THIS WEEK. do you fucking get that? THIS WEEK.

it's a beautiful life, no?

It's back and it's "GTC" - Good Till Canceled

2010-03-10T18:36:00.000-06:00

I might be wrong, but I think GTC is a stock broker term for a buy/sell order that's left as a standing order until the buyer cancels it. In other words, it's in effect until further notice.

If only this were a stock trade....

Much to my dismay, her "No Way - 60 Days" order is back in force.

and she wonders why I'm depressed and angry and stressed

a roller coaster ride

2010-03-01T19:14:00.000-06:00

she was late getting in today.. about two hours... you can't even -imagine- where my thoughts went...

her and hubby had gone away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary. maybe it was a really grand celebration. knowing her, ending up staying overnight with 50 guys wouldn't have been outside the realm of possibility. as she's said in the past "he [bf] has come a long way". he used to not even want to fuck other chicks with her. and then he progressed to the point of arranging a 22 man all-ass-fuck gang bang at their house. several parties where she was the party favor cunt - passed around for all to enjoy. bf and her other master fucked her at a pool hall, before they were asked to leave. so, my thoughts weren't completely implausible.

or, maybe she had been in an accident. fuck, how would i know? the basic answer - i wouldn't. i'd simply be without contact until she found a way or the desire to contact me.

such is the life of being the "other man". something i never, ever have any desire to be again. and which, frankly, sucks ass.

or, maybe bf just "needed" her help this morning. even though he has an extensive history of remodeling, he's gotten her to leave work early, especially on fridays and many times for an unexpected lunch, because he "needed" her to make a decision about cabinets or concrete or lumber or some such bullshit.

or maybe the dog needed to go to the vet. of course, bf works out of the house so -he- wouldn't be able to take the dog.

i kind of rotated between these options for a while, not daring to even look at the other possibility... what if she'd told him, over the weekend, that she was done? it's extremely hard to imagine that she'd do that, especially on their anniversary weekend, since her number one goal is to not hurt his feelings. yeah.. -his- feelings. that's what matters.

for any other option, there should've been little reason she couldn't have contacted me to let me know. if they were fighting/breaking up, i'd imagine that would be a bit harder to do... buy the ticket..

i wound up looking up flights, rental cars and arranging time off from work. stand in line, almost to the very front of the line...

yeah, i know.. right?? wtf was i thinking?

and then she finally called. thank g-d, she's okay.. a minor mishap, completely resolved. you cannot imagine my relief.. fuck.. she's okay.. thank you g-d.. thank you... step in, strap yourself in, get ready for the biggest drop of your life...

and then, the pie in the fucking face. even though she was out of the house and away from bf for the entire morning, she couldn't get to a pay phone. naturally all other electronic communication was not going through.

she wasn't disentangleing herself from an unwanted life, in preparation for -us-... it was a minor blip in her real life...

and then realization set in. not me. not us. just her, in her life.

at least she's okay.

and of course, since she was late to work (and we missed out on a couple hours of communicating, but that's way secondary), she -had- to work through lunch. everytime she's more than 30 mins late for work, she works through lunch. it's my punishment for her being late. afterall, she can't take time away from bf - it might hurt his feelings.

and then, of course, after work she was busy until, coincidentally, 45 mins before she had to leave. forty five minutes is our new "allotted" time. our allotted time used to be as much time as we could squeeze out of the day... but, that hurt bf's feelings to have her at work so much, so our time has been steadily whittled away until 45 minutes, plus or minus a few, is all we get after work.

but, he's content, so life is good. for him. and her.

from crazy worried to crazy relieved that she's okay.. and then the realization that, oh, yeah, she's not prepping to be with me... she's just living her life. with him.

i used to love roller coasters too.. but this one just really sucks.

really sucks.

what will it be like?

2010-02-28T13:02:00.000-06:00

lately i've been wondering what the reality of finally being with B will be like. what will going there to meet her for the first time, having her tell me she's left bf, holding her in my arms feel like?

what will our first fuck be like? what will it be like to take her out for dinner for the first time? how will it feel to watch her get undressed and get into bed with me? how will it feel to wrap myself around her and fall asleep? what will it feel like to wake up next to her? to have her wake me up with her mouth or pussy? to wake up, open my eyes and see her lying next to me?

how will it feel to sit and talk with her and figure out what the next few months of our life are going to be like? will we look for an apartment together? will she want one on her own for a while? will she come with me to whatever city i'm in at that time?

what will it feel like to not have to optimize our day to try to get the maximum amount of talk and/or chat time? how will it feel to know that we can talk anytime we want, day or night? how will it feel to actually be a part of her life? or to open my email and find pictures of her, unexpectedly?

how will the end of our first week together feel? the first month? our first (together) anniversary? how will it feel to have her, always? to have "the one" there that knows me so well (and still loves me)? what will it feel like to be walking from one room to another and find her there? to just stand there and look at her? or to walk up behind her, slip my arms around her waist, nuzzle my face in her neck and hair and whisper to her that i love her?

what will it be like the first time i watch another man fuck her? or watch her take on a roomful of guys for the first time (with me). how will it feel when she brings another woman over to me and tells me that she's coming home with us? how will it feel the first time she brings me my belt and says "Master, will you please beat your slut?"

how will it feel the first time i have to leave her at an airport to go back to where i'm working? or to pick her up at the airport the first time she comes to visit me?

how will it feel to finally stand with her in the place we've talked about so often and pledge our lives to each other? how will it feel when she looks me in the eye and says "yes"?

anticipating a big event in the future

2010-02-28T12:46:00.000-06:00

anticipating a big event in the future is an interesting experience. think back to some significant event in your life that you looked forward to with great anticipation (or trepidation & anxiety, if you wish, the effect is the same). it could be your 40th birthday, your wedding day, a childs' birth, college graduation, a promotion, an operation or a bat mitzvah.

the perception of time is a funny thing. remember when you were a kid? remember how long summer vacation was? it lasted -forever-. or, remember how hard it was to have to wait an hour for something? it was torture, the hands on the clock took an eternity to move.

as we get older our "experience" with time and the way we view it and relate to it changes. for one thing, consider a day; a single, 24 hour day. to a new born, a day would seem infinitely long - afterall, one day would be DOUBLE their life so far. perceptually that's a huge block of time. but for me, that same 24 hour day flies by. in fact, many of them can fly by with barely a notice, each individual day barely registering. how can this be? well for one thing, to me, a day is just over .005% of my days - of which there've been nearly 19,000. what a difference! in absolute terms, a day is a day is a day, whether my day or the new born's day. but subjectively, that same day is -double- the number of days previously experienced for the new born and for me, it's 1/19,000th of the days i've experienced.

so now we can see that the number of days (or any unit of time) that we've already experienced affects how we perceive future days.

let's go back to the original thought - the anticipation of an event in the future.

here's another factor that affects our perception of time until an event in the future. that factor is whether or not there's a -specific- date or a general date. a specific date example might be: getting married on July 10th of next year. a general date might be: as soon as the house sells. there's a big difference between the two. or an even less specific date: an event date based on something that's going to happen, but you don't have any idea when... it could be today, next thursday or 3 years, 2 months and 17 days from now.

for a specific date future event, there's a finite, known number of days between now and then. if it's 100 days from today then we know that each day is 1% of the total. we know that after today there'll be 99 days; after tomorrow, 98, etc. it doesn't make the future date feel like it gets here any sooner nor does it make each day feel any longer or shorter than any of the other days but we can concretely see that we are closer with every passing day.

i've been anticipating being with my B for almost seven years. let's ignore the first five or so (because she will) and say that i've only been anticipating it for 15 months. this wait is a wait for a non-date specific event to happen, sometime in the future. unlike waiting for "the house to sell", of which you can see specific things transpire that give a pretty good indication of how close that might be to happening: getting a contract, buyer gets approved, title work done, inspections done and finally a closing date. none of those things happening actually make the final future event into a known date (okay, maybe getting a closing date - but if you've ever bought a house, you know that date often doesn't mean a damn thing!); but they do give an indication of the dates' approach.

i've tried to find intermediate events that would signal the impending approach of a date when B and i would finally be together - her starting to tell me of her beginning preparations for leaving bf, or her talking to a lawyer or looking for an apartment, the start of visits, our anniversary, New Years', her anniversary, my birthday. she hasn't talked, ever, about any of her preparations or even thoughts of making "being together" happen. i've chosen dates because they seemed like reasonable dates for us to start. none of them have ever happened or given any concrete indication that the end date was indeed approaching.

if i'm waiting for Tuesday, i know that i only have to go to bed twice and wake up twice and tuesday will be here. but waiting "... until i'm ready and can do it..." is a completely different animal altogether.

because i have no idea of what the conditions need to be for that to happen, it's within the realm of possibility that that day could be today. or tomorrow. thursday. next thursday. my birthday. 146 days from now. next New Years. a year and twelve days from now. or perhaps april 14th, 2019.

upon awakening each and every day, the question arises anew for examination... when will it be? it -could- be today. or not. with no knowledge, every day is just as likely a candidate for being "the day" as any other. one thing for sure though - it's got to be a day closer, right? just by logic alone, doesn't it stand to reason that there's one less day between now and "the date"? it'd be nice to think so, but do we really know that for a fact? no, not really. "the date" could be sliding farther and farther into the future. who knows? since i have no indications of any sort, it could be getting closer, staying the same relative amount of time in the future or be slipping even farther and faster out into the future. after today passes, the date could in fact have been pushed 9 days further into the future. who knows?

so every morning there's some renewed hope that today is the day. it could be, after all, i just don't know. as the day wears on, the perception is that it's becoming less and less likely to happen today. and then finally she says "i have to go" - and then there's no doubt whatsoever that today ain't the day. and, because she didn't say anything about tomorrow, well, tomorrow's not looking so good either.

a week passes. a month. another month. a year. a few years. every day just as likely as any other day to be "the day". but they continue to pass, unused, a day at a time, with still no idea of whether the date is actually getting closer, or farther away, or if it's even being considered.

as if that wasn't good enough - she has no idea either. the only factual statements i've ever been able to get out of her are "not today", "not this weekend", "not for at least 60 days". only statements that rule out days, none that give any positive indication.

i'm pretty sure today isn't the day.

but, i'm hopeful about tomorrow.

facts or opinions?

2010-02-28T11:09:00.000-06:00

five days a week i end my day with my love holding a dead phone, thinking about her, over a thousand miles away, saying "i gotta go", then click, silence and the sound of a call disconnecting. two days a week i don't even get to talk to her - because she left on friday to go home to her life.

what is it that she has there that makes it so worthwhile staying for, what makes it so impossible for her to leave? is it money? security? love? familiarity?

maybe i'm looking at the problem the wrong way. i always consider it from the point of view that i assume she wants to be here instead of there but that something holds her too strongly. what if that's not the case at all? what if it's not that her life is keeping her from coming here? what if the real problem is that she doesn't see enough here to even consider leaving? i've sort of assumed that she's dying to get over here but just having a hard time letting go of bf. what if it's not a case of having a hard time letting go, but rather a case of nothing worth letting go for?

what if all the time i've been wondering "why won't she let go?" she's been thinking "why should i let go?".

as jeff goldblum said in "The Big Chill" - "rationalization is a wonderful thing.. try getting through a day without one or two juicy rationalizations"... (ok, not a quote, but close enough).

opinions are what we believe, facts are what we know. facts can be very disturbing when they contradict opinions.

i'm curious about something

2010-02-25T12:25:00.000-06:00

my baby and i have known each other almost seven years. we've been trying, back and forth, to get together, actually -together- (for good) for over two years.

still no joy in mudville.

but here's what i'm questioning....

as each day passes, does it make it more likely or less likely that we'll be together? I could certainly argue it either way.

as each day passes, if she still hasn't been able to decide what to do... it seems less and less likely, doesn't it?

on the other hand, she says it's what she wants, so as each day passes, doesn't it make it more likely that tomorrow will be the day it finally happens?

those would be equally "strong" viewpoints, were it a case of "everything else being equal"... but that's not the case...

she knows and agrees that being apart is hurting us. more and more harm done to us, to our hearts, to our souls with every passing day.. with every hardship incurred because of this fucking situation. every day chips away at us. every day brings less time to spend together. lunches are down to 30-45 minutes. quite a difference from when she would spend a couple hours at lunch fucking d. our afterwork time has declined to about 45 minutes too... maybe 45 is the new hour.

all that considered, i'm going to have to fall on the side of each passing day making it less and less likely.

g-d... i wish that weren't true...

another milestone quietly passes

2010-02-25T12:17:00.000-06:00

earlier this week an important (to me) milestone passed... with little or no fanfare.

it was a marker in time in two ways...

the first was as her anniversary. the two year mark in a marriage she shouldn't have gotten into, wouldn't have gotten into, had i not fucked up.

the second marker was for me... since january (09), i've been anxiously waiting and hoping that she'd be able to forgive me enough to want to be together. starting from the disasterous september visit, then rolling right into the "holiday blackout" and then her out and out telling me "no way for at least 60 days" (that was about 140 days ago) and then, finally coming out of the blackout we roll right up against her anniversary.. and of course there's no way she would have left before then... it would have hurt his feelings.

but now that day has passed. with little fanfare. i sent her cards and wished her happy anniversary...

in my mind, once her anniversary was past, there should be no other artificial impediments to us getting together (other than her still being nauseated by my presence). my birthday, in a month, might present some obstacle to her, because we had targeted my birthday as the date we'd be together... two years ago.

as much as i've thought about all that's going on, i never really believed that as soon as her anniversary passed that she'd be talking about getting together. really, not even in my heart of hearts.

doesn't mean i don't wish for it though.

so... is the passing of her anniversary a good thing or a bad thing? well, it can't be a bad thing, other than the fact that she's celebrating two years of marriage (and 17 years of being together) with a man she's not in love with instead of with me.

is it a good thing? dunno. i'm not sure that in and of itself it has any inherent "goodness" or "badness". it just is.

one thing it does signify though.... since there are now -no- "bad karma" dates or other dates that would hurt bf's feelings for several months (probably the Fourth is the next one... her famous (fuck) party)... then the ONLY reason we're not together is that she doesn't want to be.

yep.. every day that passes is another reminder that i hurt her so badly that she can't even consider being with me.. still... after all this time.

no matter how bad you think it might be, it's always worse

2010-02-20T12:03:00.000-06:00

my baby called me today. we skyped and i got to see her. might seem like no big deal to you, but it is to me.. i haven't seen her face in probably... 8 weeks? maybe more?

she's trying hard to work her way back to trusting me enough to be together.

she's finding it's not an easy thing to do.

all throughout this period, i've gone on the ?theory? that by making little steps, you become accustomed to them, they then no longer seem like a big deal and then you can progress on from there, a little at a time, until you're comfortable, then push a little more, until finally you wind up where you want to be. she agrees with this approach.

i've had a number of my own "milestone" dates that have come and go that i thought would be milestones for us as well... last Fourth, her birthday, thanksgiving, xmas/new years, her anniversary (shortly), my birthday (soon) and then one other before our anniversary in late july.

there's a fairly significant (in my life) family type event taking place in the next three months. my baby and i have talked for years about this event and we'd pretty much taken it for granted that she'd be attending it with me.. .meaning she'd have left bf and we'd be together.

even today i hope for that, despite her basically telling me the other day why she -shouldn't- be there. as much as i hated what that meant for -us- i could see merit in her case. whether her decision was based on those considerations or a convenient cover for why we wouldn't be together by then doesn't really matter; the end result is the same.

anyway, i digress.

i may be using the terms incorrectly, but right now? tough shit. deal with it. there's a classic experiment involving a frog and a beaker of hot water, the point of which is to illustrate "acclimatization" or "growing accustomed" or the effect of small gradual change vs large sudden change. in the experiment, it's observed that if you put a frog into a beaker of hot water, it will thrash and jump and do everything to get the hell out of the hot water. the frog has been subjected to a large sudden change and is not adapting to it at all, attempting to escape the change completely.

wait, we're not done.

the other half of the experiment involves placing the frog into a beaker of room temperature water and then slowly heating the water to boiling. when the frog is initially placed into the beaker of water it may notice some change ("croak, hmmm, this waters' a little warmer the air, but at least i'm in water now, croak"). as the water is slowly heated, the frog doesn't really pay much attention; after all, the change in temperature is tiny and slow. ("croak, mmm, this water feels nice and comfy right now, croak").

continuing to SLOWLY heat the water to the point where the frog -dies- produces little more reaction from the frog. why? because the change in temperature, even though ultimately a "not good" thing for the frog, is so gradual that it's overlooked. the frog becomes accustomed to it's current situation, which doesn't seem like a bad thing. small change, small change, small change until finally, by taking a larger view, we see that in fact there's been a HUGE change from the beginning.. much to the dismay of the experimental frog (now referred to as frog soup ;-) ).

now at this point you may be asking yourself "self? what the fuck does this have to do with anything?" or possibly "man, i really need to get a life and stop reading this shit". either way, i'm gonna press on.

(suspenseful music slowly building to a powerful climax.....)

so, what's the point? really, there is one...

there've been several times where i've tried to apply the above concept of small changes to my baby and our relationship; she's even suggested it. last july, i suggested that rather than her thinking that doing things for me (like pics, explicit pics, writings, all the little things she normally does for the men in her life) that she think of us not as two people trying to get back together, during which period she's forcing herself to do things for me that she doesn't think i deserve, that instead she think of us as a couple already together who are temporarily separated by my job and that if she could take on that mindset, that the things she'd normally do for another wouldn't feel so wrong or oppressive or undeserved by me. she agreed. in fact, she thought is was a very good idea and that it made a lot of sense. she did warn me though, that "the walls won't just crumble and everything come rushing out". i knew that, i told her, and i didn't expect that to happen.

it's now late february of the following year; about seven months later. i'm not sure, but i think she might be starting to come around.

today we video-skyped.. :-D (the very fact that i was allowed to see her is significant and was completely unexpected). during the course of the call, i asked her to look at her video preview of herself and to see just exactly what i saw - which was her from about mid throat up, occasionally i'd see a shoulder, at least enough to know that she was wearing something.

i thought about the frog and the accumulative effect of small, painless changes.

so i said to her... baby, do you see what i can see of you? do you see that i can only see you from the neck up?

"yes", she said.

"why don't you unzip your hoodie and flash me your tits, even though I can't see them?" i figured that was a pretty ?painless? action - even though it involved her baring her tits (which she'll do for just about anybody) there was no way that i could see them.. so even though i didn't "deserve" it, it was very ?low cost? to her, in terms of what she'd be "giving" me.

so picture this... she's in her family room, sitting on a chair pulled up to the computer armoire. she's facing AWAY from the next door neighbor's yard where the neighbors' kids are playing, probably a minimum of 60', maybe 75' -behind- her. she's inside her house. if you'd been standing at her patio door, looking in, you -might- have seen her move, but you'd only have seen her unzip her hoodie, pull it open then zip it up again. frankly, unless you were standing very close and just off to one side of her, you'd have never thought twice about it.. it would've looked like she was just opening her jacket for a sec to cool off or something.

apparently, instead of slowing heating the water, i'd turned on the flamethrower/microwaver/blowtorch underneath the beaker of water. her immediate reaction was "no".

her reason? the neighbor kids were playing in the yard. she's always very cognizant of youngsters around, especially when she's being sexual. i'm sure the 30+ guy gangbangs at her house were all done after the neighbor kids were asleep.

she wouldn't open her jacket while facing the armoire, even though i'd see nothing of it, because the neighbor kids were in their yard, probably 75' -behind- her.

does anyone have -any- doubts of what she thinks i deserve?

no, me either.

she won't be attending my "significant event", but that's because she doesn't feel it'd be proper. oh, and because we won't be together then.

sometime last year i'd asked her if she thought we'd be together by our 7th anniversary, this coming july. "absolutely" was her answer.

i'm hoping she'll let me come visit her, see her, be in the same room with her - for our anniversary, for her birthday in september or by new year's.

i'm hopeful.

:-D it's saturday and my baby called me! :-D

2010-02-20T11:15:00.000-06:00

i don't think it gets much better than this... my baby called this morning about 8am... we got to talk, skype, no less, for almost two hours...

two hours...

:-) g-d....

i know for all you people (fuckers) who have real world, in person relationships, talking for two hours on a saturday morning might not seem like a big deal to you... well, that's because you don't appreciate just how much you really have... these two hours were like an additional, i dunno, 20% of -extra- time that we got to talk this week... imagine being with your lover and being granted an extra day and a half for the weekend, to spend together... then maybe you'll have some small notion of what getting two extra hours to talk is like for me.

and fuck you for being so superior. this is the relationship i have with -my- love. fine, i get that you actually get to hold, kiss and sleep with your love. you get to call her anytime you want, talk, anytime you want... do things -together-.

fuck you.

this is my life, my love and my relationship. i'd rather have this with her than anything else.

well, except for actually having her in my life, physically, every day. that i would prefer. but it's not what i have and may never have.

but i have her.

i admit i'm dense.. but..

2010-02-18T20:06:00.001-06:00

some things are so difficult for me to follow...

my baby tells me that she hopes we could skype last night, because it's been awhile since she's seen me (and me her). i always hope we can skype, because i seldom get to see her. i say "i'll send you pictures whenever you want". "it's not the same."

yeah, i know.

somehow, whoever the spooks are who take such delight in disrupting our communications (you can scoff here, but NO ONE has ever had so many problems with phones, calling cards, email, chat and skype), they must have been off duty yesterday or snoozing in the corner, because, against all odds, our skype video chat WORKED!

IT WORKED!!!

there's a sense of, i dunno, immediate relief when the connection completes, the picture starts to form.. and there they are... for her, me... for me, her.... it's a palpable relief, a long-awaited "finally!"...

she felt it... expressed it... "there's my baby"... big smile.... i too had the same reaction..."finally, my baby, there she is"....

she had a nice clear pic... (not that i understand why anyone would want a nice clear view of me!).. smiled big... i had the same kind of quality pic.. good video, little "stuttering", no frame freezing, good audio... and the same best picture that i usually get.. her, silhoutted by light from windows behind her... her entire face cast in shadow with an occasional almost-kinda-see-you-a-little when she'd move side to side or turn her head.... she could see a 3" figurine on the top of a 6' foot bookshelf behind me, she could see me clearly.... i could make out things on the counter 15' behind her.... and nothing other than a dark silhouette where she sat.

it's been this way for some time. she knows i can barely ever see her. i've asked her to please, please put a lamp or something near her so there's some light on her face so i can actually see her... or to use the laptop and sit at the counter (she did that once before and i had a crystal clear view of her)... but, she says, there's already a light overhead in the armoire where the desktop is... and it's too much hassle to get the laptop out, set it up, then have to hurriedly put it away when bf comes home....

i asked her if she could see me okay; very well, she said... can you see me? she asks... in an admittedly smart ass voice i said "i can see your silhouette as well as ever, but i can't see you". hey, it hurts, you know? hurts that it's important for her to see me, that she KNOWS how desperately i want to see her, but my not being able to is not really a problem... after all, i don't deserve it yet...

she turned off her video.

i guess it don't get much clearer than that, does it? this is what you get, this is all you deserve; if that's not good enough for you, fine. have nothing.

i'm not sure what shocks and hurts me the most... that i still don't deserve to see her face? that she knows how important it is to me to see her but she won't do anything to facilitate that? that because i was unhappy with the non-picture of her she punished me more by turning off her video completely? or that after 15 months she still can't have me anywhere near her?

maybe it doesn't matter, honestly. she can do whatever she wants, as much or as little as she wants in terms of "giving" to me... and i'll take it.

it does shock me that she's so angry when i'm not happy with the miniscule parts of her that she doles out to me... she's so angry with me... i don't know if it's really "new" anger about the whatever-it-is-that-just-happened or if it's left over pain/anger/rage from so long ago....

probably doesn't matter.. the end result is the same...

she stays with bf.

not on -that- day

2010-02-17T10:20:00.000-06:00

for no particular reason, other than curiosity, yesterday i did some math.

yesterday was the 2,400th day since B and I first talked on the phone. we'd chatted and/or emailed for about a week before that. not counting holidays and sick days and days we didn't get to talk, that means we've talked about 1,700 days.

if it takes us 600 more days to get together, for 3,000 total, that'll be 10/09/2011. that seems way farther away than looking back to the first day...

=======

there's a significant family event coming up soon.... interestingly, on the day after the 5th anniversary of my divorce. Or, you could say the 1st day of the first year without one legal obligation. I'd hoped, against hope, that B would come to it with me. She'd always said she would, that we'd be together by then.

as the days have ticked by, she's become less sure.

yesterday she made convincing arguments on why she -shouldn't- be there. they make sense too.

it's also a way to prepare me for -not- being together by then.

not that she needs another reason. or any reason at all. i suppose being married is reason enough, ya know? there needs to be a compelling reason to leave a marriage, ya know?

todays' word of the day: Harbinger

2010-02-16T08:31:00.000-06:00

Punxsutawney Phil looking for his shadow... the coin toss at a football game... the stop light turning yellow... people in white coats standing over you looking down & yelling "CLEAR"....

what do all these things have in common?

they are all absolute harbingers of the events to immediately follow....

from dictionary.com:

har-bin-ger [hahr-bin-jer]

–noun
2. anything that foreshadows a future event; omen; sign: Frost is a harbinger of winter.
Synonyms:
2. herald, forerunner, precursor, portent, indication.

we -know- Phil is gonna see or not see his shadow and we're all going to then turn away feeling a little foolish for having gone to a freakin' groundhog for meteorological advice.. we -know- that the coin is gonna come down and someone will get possession of the ball.... we -know- the light is gonna turn red and we're gonna have to stop... we -know- they're about to shock the shit out of us and well, this is it or not...

i have a particular future in mind, one that i've been waiting for, trying to make happen (and sabotaging my own efforts in the meantime) for a long, long time... a future with my baby, B.

i keep looking for a -sign- that we're moving closer to that future.. i keep looking... despite my lack of spotting any, i try to keep this in mind.. "absence of evidence is not evidence of absence". makes sense. just because i can't find any indications that there is intelligent life in the universe is certainly not proof that there isn't...

so i have part of the equation... i know what will happen -if/when- something else, the harbinger, happens.. the only problem is... i have no ide what that might be... in kind of a backwards approach, i can see the negative corrollaries... if x doesn't happen, that future won't happen... if y doesn't happen, that future won't happen..

ok, so i don't have a harbinger. i can imagine what some examples of that might be... she leaves bf... she tells me to come see her and she gives herself to me... she says quit and move here to be with me... all those will pretty much be a damn solid indication of things to come...

what i do have are things that, without them happening, the desired future -is not- about to happen... the killer is that these are such "small" things in the ordinary world... but they're HUGE in this relationship..

my baby has a handful of pictures of her that i've asked for for years.. and no, they're not sex pix... most of them are about as innocent and non-privacy-invasive as you could imagine.... there's one of her in a pink t-shirt, wearing a ball cap with a pony tail.... a pic of her in a bikini... a pic of her in her wedding dress.... a pic of her wearing any of several tops i've bought for her... and one that, okay, is a -little- personal... I recently made and sent her something of significant meaning to her and I, and it's something that is publicly viewable, so it's not like panties or anything... i've been waiting for these pics for between 4 years and 2 weeks. she's fucked strangers in bars but won't let me see her in a ponytail.

is the picture thing a huge deal? maybe not. should it be? no, i can't imagine why it should. what i do know is that until she can let herself do something so... ?normal?innocent? nothing else will happen. strangers see her everyday. she has no problem with that. i'm hopefully a little more important to her than the strangers at the supermarket or that she jogs past while wearing a cap and a ponytail, but i'm not allowed to see such ordinary, everyday images of her. she -knows- how that makes me feel.

allowing my to see those pictures is not a harbinger of us getting together; many, many other things need to happen. but i do know that -until- i've earned the right to see them, until she decides that i'm allowed, that future isn't happening.

another "anti-harbinger" is visits to see her. in 15 months, i've seen her on one occasion and that visit didn't go so well. it's hard to imagine, all things considered, that she'd go from where we are now, IE having not seen each other since for-fucking-ever, to leaving hubby and starting a life with me, without at least -some- visits in between. -i- could; i could and would pick up today and move to be with her, move in together -tonight-, no hesitation. she can't even consider a possible date for another visit.

another "anti-harbinger".... talking to me about her plans. for her and i to be together, she has to get her things (finances, etc) lined up before leaving her husband. this requires planning, talking to an attorney, talking about tentative dates, talking about how we'll get together, what it will be like, talking about how we'll finally fulfill the dream of being together. we don't talk about any of that. i try to get her to at least think about us getting together in the hope that perhaps the desire for it will push her to start acting. we don't talk about any of that.

2010-01-29T06:29:00.002-06:00

betcha thought i was dead, huh? or that my life had suddenly become everything i've always wanted and the bliss and happiness that pervades my days just completely eliminated the need to wail my self-pity from the middle of the street? or that maybe the overwhelming and inescapable truth of what i've been trying to tell her for so many years finally became unmistakeably clear to her and she came running to me with open arms?

yeah. not so much.

last time i was here was the end of october. she had told me that, beyond any shadow off a doubt, that there was absolutely no way in hell she would leave bf to be with me in the next 60 days.

so i had to hunker down and steel myself to continuing to be alone at least through the end of the year.

".. absolutely no way ..."

november was tough. very, very tough. by the end of november, i could feel the isolation starting to lighten and see faint glimpses of the future [we've] sought for so long.

and then there was december.

hitting the half-way point of the 60 days felt like cresting the hill and starting down the other side. i was looking forward to her opening up and starting to talk about the things we needed to do before being together.

except, it was december.

she was sick for several days. came in late or left early, or both, additional days. bf decided to have lunch with her, last minute, a couple times. she had an office party. her evening class got bumped up an hour at least once. between her being sick and the holidays, we didn't get a single 5 day week in december. i don't believe there was a single day that we got our "normal" amount of time together. every weekend was a 3-5 day weekend. with no contact. if in a regular month we have, say 60 hours that we can talk (beyond the 5 minute phone calls occasionally during the day) then I'd say in december we had -maybe- 30 hours.

ok, so becoming more hopeful during december clearly wasn't in the cards. but even so, i still knew that the no-way 60 day period was drawing to a close. surely, despite the dearth of time we had to spend with each other in december, surely january would bring a new year, a new decade and a new life. surely, we'd start talking about what concrete actions we needed to take, start planning the steps for getting from -here- to where we're supposed to be.

yeah. not so much.

to my delight, she asked, in early january, how much notice i needed to take a trip to see her. YAY! she's going to have me come see her! surely, SURELY this will be our beginning, no?

no. no trip. no beginning.

my job ends in march. i'll have been here for 13 months. i really, REALLY believed that this city was the one she'd finally join me in. i'd even discussed changing from contract to perm with my employer.

so, you might ask... how was the trip??? trip? what trip?

so, here we are. in 60-90 days i'll be gone from here. and she won't have been here. then again, she didn't join me in the last place i was at, in her state and only 180 miles away from her.

maybe in the next city, during the next contract. or the one after that.

so in the span of 3 months, my future has gone from "any day now" to "just 2 months" to "any day now" to ... "someday".

so, it's time to do what i've had to do five times since i've known her: find another job/contract, move to another city, try to arrange my schedule to coincide as best as possible with hers, find a new place to live. all without her. again. i really didn't think this would happen.

"the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal"

everyday that she doesn't mention anything about it still hurts. how could it not? on the other hand, i no longer "expect" it to be any day, or anytime soon, so the devastating disappointment doesn't fall on me every day.

so i sit and wait patiently (or maybe not so patiently). i listen for any hint that she's interested in getting together. i look for any sign that it's in her thoughts.

i don't know that i can do it again when i have to leave the next city without her.

gBoAoDd news

2009-10-30T07:20:00.005-05:00

it's a simple fact of life. there's -always- bad news hidden in good news.

(tricky, huh?)

imagine sitting in the doctors office waiting to hear the results of your tests. anxiously, you wait. and wait. and wait. the doctor refuses to give you a straight answer, dancing around the issue. does he not actually -know- the diagnosis or is he trying to think of a way to soften the blow?

tick. tick. tick.

each second ticks by, each second feeling as long as a day or a week, each minute another month of wasted time from a limited amount of remaining time.

tick. tick. tick.

Please doctor! PLEASE! Just give it to me straight! What's the story?!?!?! I can handle it, no matter what it is, really! PLEASE tell me!

finally, an answer...

your life will not begin for at least 60 days. there is absolutely NO CHANCE of you gaining the life you want for at -least- 60 days. mind you, that doesn't mean that in 60 days you'll get the life you've been waiting for. it means that there is absolutely no chance that you'll get that life in less than 60 days.
for real?? six years ago it felt like it was gonna be any day now. and not only is it not any day now, but it's -at least- 60 days away?

yes.

doc, what do i do in the meantime?

whatever.

so, unless something exceptional happens in the next 48 hours (which is, unfortunately, the weekend and she's with someone else all weekend), we aren't going to be together this year or this -DECADE-.

fuck me

time lost

2009-10-27T06:48:00.005-05:00

this is a tough week. two months ago, I'd picked this week as a very likely week when B would finally leave bf and be with me. sure, I've had -many- nice but imaginary dates picked in the >6 years I've been trying to get her, but this one was an actually possible, if not probable date, at least in light of what I thought the conditions were.

we were going to start visits in a couple weeks. we'd agreed on a visit schedule (every 2 or 3 weeks, with 2 - 3 visits being HER point at which she'd be able to leave). we were doing good. things were looking up. so, looking forward, this week, six weeks after our initial visit, was the first possible leaving-date milestone. was i a bit optimistic about picking the first possible one? sure. but then, we're not two people tentatively reaching toward each other, still trying to figure out if being together is something worthwhile or something we want to do. we both KNOW. (at least, i know and i think she believes the same.) so frankly, 3 visits and 6 weeks didn't seem crazy optimistic. and truth be told, i really believed that once we saw each other (well, once she saw me, because i'm ready to make the move at any time) i actually believed that that would motivate her, remind her of -us- and spur her on to getting together.

not so much.

in fact, the exact opposite has occurred. all talk of visits has been put aside. visits are less of a certainty now than they've been all year. even though none of them materialized, march, labor day, july 4th were all put out there as possible visit dates. basically, ever since february, there's been a possible visit date on the table; in the future and unconfirmed, yes, but there's always been a potential date out there. now that we've had an actual visit, there are no potential visit dates on the table, no discussion of any visits and frankly, little opportunity on the calendar, thanks to the imminent holiday schedule (and holiday "blackout" period, which'll run till about april).

she wonders why i'm despondent, desperate and frantic.

because i (we) apparently had only -1- shot at it for this year. and since i flubbed that one, i'm (we're) on the shelf until ... sometime in the future. where we've pretty much always been... sometime in the future.

so in the meantime, we're going to stay here, where she believes is the only place for her to get better, to heal enough to let us back into her world. here, seperated by 1100 miles, with no physical contact (nevermind fucking, not even being in the same state), less visual contact (a la skype and pics) than ever and an ever shrinking amount of time to spend together on the phone.

it's that "less is more" philosophy. which, for the record, i've never seen successful in any application. being apart is better than being together. not seeing each other is better for us than seeing each other. not fixing video chat so we can see each other is better than seeing each other on video chat. getting together many months from now and -then- starting the period of slow, painful healing is better than skipping all the painful and harmful-to-our-relationship months in between and starting the slow, painful healing process now. leaving early and skipping a whole afternoon of our talk time is better for us than having that talk time. i wonder (facetiously, of course) if being completely out of touch, no email, no phone, no chat, no snailmail and no chance of any contact and on opposite sides of the planet would make us the strongest, closest, most in touch and happy couple ever.

i -hate- confrontation of any kind, especially of the interpersonal strife variety. but she and this relationship are so important to me that i have to switch over to the "let's face up to it, get the screaming, shouting and crying out of the way so we can get past this and finally start our life together" camp. no matter what, when we finally get together, there's going to be a period of adjustment, a time of tentativeness, of sensitivity and yes, of tears and pain and rejection and hurt. but whether we get together today or six months from now, that period is still going to be there. the difference is that every day we wait to get together causes us more problems, more hurts, more pains, more difficulties. and i believe, sadly, that every day we stay apart works against us. that's the part that really upsets me. she sees it too, yet insists that being apart is the only thing for us right now. really? fuck! haven't we been apart long enough already? how well has being apart worked? when is it time to try something different? let's take the plunge, get our fears under control (and we both have them) for a bit and fucking work this out, face to face. when has there ever been a couple with significant issues, especially trust issues, that's EVER successfully worked them out long distance? i'd say, uh, never. as far as i know, every couple that's ever worked through the kind of difficulties that we have in our relationship has done so the -hard- way, the scary way: face to face, day after day, enduring the pain, listening, talking, hearing, crying, forgiving each other - in PERSON. in person because after the pain and crying and hurt, they're there to support and reassure and touch and hold the other. after all, they do love each other enough to want to make it work or they wouldn't be there, ya know? the pain and hurt isn't the whole of their relationship, it's a -part- of it and their past that they're working through. and you can't keep that hurt and pain in the forefront all the time. so the rest of the time, there's support and togetherness and understanding and love and the comfort of being together. it's not like they're mortal enemies that fall into bloodlust at the sight of the other; there's LOVE there, true love, true companionship, true intimacy and they both want to get past these difficulties so they can get on with the business of living their lives together or again, they wouldn't be there in the first place. so after the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, that recedes, hopefully healed a bit and the togetherness of the -couple- can resume and soothe the pain. how much better to do that than to finish the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, then go completely away from each other and lick your wounds alone in the darkness?

call me stupid.

"you're STUPID!!!"

yeah, i know, or we wouldn't be here to begin with. but we are.

she says she wants me and us and our life more than anything else.

so why are we avoiding the course of action that's most likely to get us where we want to be? instead of taking the one that's practically guaranteed to put more distance, more hurt, more fear and uncertainty into -us-?

i love her so much. g-d, so much. and she says she loves me too and dammit, i FEEL it. how can we be so at opposite ends on this? how can being together be the most imperative thing for me to do -right now- and the last thing she wants to do right now? how can two people SO close, SO of like mind, so -right- for each other be so at odds as to what the best thing to do for -us- is? how can she think the best thing for us to do is what i think the worst? how can what i think the worst thing for us to do be what she thinks the best (and only) thing to do?

and why can't there be any discussion and compromise?

so, i'll do what she wants. i'll sit here and wait until i'm called.

bingeing?

2009-10-26T08:21:00.004-05:00

i've been on a bit of a binge lately.

no, not boozing; quite the opposite actually. i've been on a spree of getting and making things for my B. i've bought her things; i have four things i just bought her and a couple others that i haven't yet sent that i bought previously. i've spent about 10 hours making something for her. (btw, something that, if we do get together, i hope she'll love and treasure and always keep dear to her as something made by my own hands, specifically for her and only her). i have three other things that i'm also making/working on for her and i have at least 3 others in mind that i'll start as soon as i can.

when i see something that i know she'd like, i want to buy it. not cars or clothes or stuff like that - things that i think will mean something to her, as they do to me. they're usually sentimental things, romantic things, things that appeal to us and who we are to each other, what our life would be like. the things i make for her i make because that's such an intimate thing to do for someone you love, isn't it? to use your own hands to make something that is meaningful and relevant to both of you. i also, perhaps a little too fantasy-romantically, imagine that the uniqueness of the object, the place it would have in your lives would imbue a special meaning and value to the object. add to that the (again, my perception/hope/fantasy) specialness and intimacy that knowing that your beloved made this especially for -you- would attach to the thing and i just turn into a blubbering, sentimental fool.

and then i wonder - am i trying to buy her affection? i don't -think- so, because i can honestly say that the things i've bought for her and the things i'm making for her are real and honest. i don't ask for or expect anything in return.

for the record, i believe in my heart that this "binge" of things for her is real and truthful.

i'll also add that it may be, in some small part, a way for me to feel less isolated from her, less hopeless, a bit closer, even to feel as though i am, in some small way, actually a part of her life. it may also be a way to take my mind of the bleakness of my situation and my life and share with her, in my mind at least, a part of me.

whatever the underlying reason(s) may be, i'm going to continue. even if it's nothing more than mental masturbation. if it helps to deceive me into thinking that things are better than they really are, what's the harm? at worst, it lets me think that i'm making her happy in some small way, that i really am a part of her life. at best, my perception of the whole thing may be close to truth and we really are connecting and moving toward a common future.

it's not hurting anyone, is it?

reality gives a kick in the ass

2009-10-26T07:39:00.005-05:00

yeah, like that's never happened before, right?

not long ago, i won an all expense paid two day stay at the Medical Center Spa & Resort.

early morning chest pains were how i knew i'd won.

now, i'm just past 50. i'm white, middle aged, carry about 15 extra pounds above my belt, eat like shit, hardly exercise, drink to excess (like 3.5l of vodka a week), have a pending lawsuit, huge alimony payments, have to look for work every six months (because i'm a contractor), work in a specialty that is steadily declining and in a career field where 50+ year olds are increasingly being squeezed out in favor of 20 somethings who are willing to work 60 weeks for half what they pay me, i have no permanent residence, basically only own what i can fit in my car, have a steadily declining bank balance/nest egg (see the aforementioned huge alimony payments), no close friends other than B (who lives with her husband 1100 miles away), no romantic interests, no fuckbuddy, essentially -no- close human contact whatsoever, ongoing depression and a host of other medical issues (none of which are especially frightening on their own unless combined with the rest of the list) and no prospects for anything to change in the foreseeable future.

how's that for a lifetime achievement award?

anyway, after my recent "spa" stay, the spectre of one's own mortality raises its ugly head again.
i've actually been becoming more and more aware of the approach of my own "sunset". everyone fears dying and i suppose i'm no different than anyone else in that regard. but honestly, the thing that bothers me the most is the awareness that, even if she (my beloved B) were to choose to be together -today- (which she's nowhere close to doing), our time together is limited. we've already lost over 6 years that we could've and should've spent together. anyway, i'm not nearly as ?dismayed? about the dying part as i am about the time together that we're missing out on. we've known each other for roughly 12% of my life and 15% of hers. we could've spent that time together. and every day/week/month/year that passes is that much less time that i could possibly have to spend in her life. -that's- what really dismays me.

she too has said that my recent "spa" stay has made her more aware of the passage of time, precious time, and the finite amount of time we could have together.

i'm not sure my increased awareness of time (or the lack of) and the passage of (oh so valuable) time has been a good thing. while i "knew" before that my eating and drinking habits were adversely affecting my health (and therefore longevity) it's amazing what we can block out and disregard when we don't really want to acknowledge it. so i've cut way back on my drinking (yeah, yeah, i know, it's only been 4 days). i had 1 drink thursday night, only had 2 drinks friday night (and that was after actually getting out of the house and doing something), got out of the house most of the day saturday, tied on a pretty good one saturday night using up the rest of my vodka, then had 4 beers yesterday. i knew beer is a pretty self-limiting drink for me, which is why i purposely didn't buy more vodka on saturday. i'm looking at menus and trying to get back into preparing food (it's not like i don't have plenty of fucking free time to do it).

and there's one thought that keeps coming to me... what the fuck for? i mean, yeah, if B were to decide to be together at least i'd have a head start on getting healthier so as to increase our time together, but there's a nagging fear that that's not gonna happen. she's no closer to making a move and leaving bf, as far as i can tell.

so i'm stuck here in a quandry. do i continue working on improving my health in the hope that sooner or later she'll want to be together? i think i have to, just in case. otoh, every day that passes, every day she delays, i get a little bit healthier, which means that if the day comes when she finally tells me "no, now go away", i'll be healthier than ever, which means, fucking great, i get to live more days with our her.

fuck me to tears.

updates and downdates and whogivesafuck dates

2009-10-26T06:48:00.012-05:00

put all the thoughts from the last few weeks into a blender, hit puree and this is the shit that falls out.

it's the last week of october.

i am, without a doubt the worlds biggest dreamer. not to mention loser. about 48 years ago, the last time B and I talked about starting visits, we had this grand vision (although hers and mine weren't quite the same) of what we'd accomplish on said visits. we'd get familiar in person again, move past some of the hurt and anger, learn to be physically with each other again, start fucking and within a few visits, say 3 or 4, we'd be ready to be together full time; she'd leave bf and we'd start our life together. i asked her how often she saw visits happening; every 2 or 3 weeks was her reply. understand too that 3 or 4 visits, 2 or 3 weeks apart, meant that within a finite, definable, tangible amount of time we'd be where we both said we want to be together. finally.

now, i "see" dates and times, she doesn't. i'm acutely aware of every minute that passes when we're having lunch or as our time ticks away after work and she "has" to leave to go back to bf. she's not. i feel the weight of every fucking day (2,287 of them since our first phone conversation) that passes that a) we're not only not together, but b) no closer to being together and c) is yet another day that she -chooses- to go back to the life, the home and the relationship that she says she doesn't want. she doesn't see or feel the passage of time. whether we get together in a day, a week, a month or three more years, it's more or less the same to her. i don't know if it's because she's younger or really doesn't feel getting to us is that much of a draw or i don't know what. anyway, once this semi-defined timeline was laid out, i needed to see what it looked like (i'm a visual person). so, with calendar in hand, i laid it out in a way that made it -concrete- to me, real, tangible.

here it is:

pretty laughable ain't it? but notice how thoroughly it's laid out. there's both a 2 week between visit timeline and a 3 week timeline. the top is the list of dates and visits for both schedules. the bottom is a side by side with visits laid out through the end of the year. after all, 3-1/2 months of visits, which would have been either 8 or 6 visits, is WAY more than the 3 or 4 she said she thought it'd take for us to be together. the circled visits, #4 in both columns, was my best guess on when she'd actually leave bf to be with me. the visits in the boxes indicates the likely range of times, should visit #4 be too optimistic, when she would leave.

how thorough. how quaint. how fucking stupid. here it is -6- weeks since that first visit. this week should have been either visit 3 or visit 2. i even hoped that this visit would be THE ONE. "leave with me". yeah. the only one who's leaving with me is me. she'll be leaving, every night this week, next week, next month to go back to the life, the home and the relationship she doesn't want. leaving the life and the relationship she says she does want behind for another day.

so, back to reality. six weeks later. the week that i actually thought it -possible-, if not likely, that she'd leave bf and choose to start our life together. instead of leaving me and going back to bf. again. and again. i actually, truly, really believed that it could possibly have happened this week. the reality of it is that we have had NO visits since the first, nor are there any scheduled, planned, proposed or talked about.

i was cleaning out my calendar file over the weekend and ran across a couple of other interesting dates. from 16 days after i "broke up" with her: B gangbang, 5:30-10:00PM, video, webcam, 20+ guys. that was back in the day when bf still traveled. and then, one month and two days later, she called me at about 12:30 in the morning to talk. we talked for about 3 hours. she'd just left -him- after a night of fucking (back when bf traveled) and was waiting for bf to get back because they were going to go to a strip club. she wanted to know if i missed her. FUCK YES i missed her. that was almost -10- months ago. when we hung up the phone, i dared to hope that we'd be together within 6 months. ten months later, we're well past my initial hope and even past the timeframe that -she- laid out.

i'm afraid of those two dates coming up again, 12/11 & 1/13. i'm afraid that if we're not together by those dates, that she may finally say "what the hell did i give up fucking, swinging and gangbanging? for -this-? fuck that" and go back to her life.

and that'll be the end of the story for yours truly.

2,353

2009-09-25T06:28:00.007-05:00

i know when my life started - july 23rd, 2003.

that was the first day that my baby and i talked. and we've spent literally thousands of hours talking since.

and then there were dates when i thought my life would begin.... the first was my birthday, 2008. that was our first target date for when we'd be together. shit happened. the next target was her birthday. more shit happened. then again it was my birthday, 2009. yet more shit.

so then the goal started being less grandiose and more down to earth - how about just -seeing- each other again? easy enough goal, right? first was a weekend in march this year. then memorial day. then the fourth. then her birthday.

YAY!!! we accomplished her birthday!!!!

other than that, mrs. lincoln, how was the theatre?

her birthday this year was in fact a major event/milestone. it was supposed to have been the groundbreaking event that freshened us, realigned us, put us on the fast track to finally being together.

not so much.

what it did was apparently quite the opposite. for her, at least. having had that one visit, her appetite is sated. where originally she saw visits, once they started, occuring every 2 or 3 weeks and continuing through possibly 6 visits until we were finally together... now it would seem that that single visit last week was more than enough for her. i should have known beforehand, because earlier last week, her preferred visit frequency went from "every 2-3 weeks" to "4 weeks or so". and this week, there's not even any future visits in the works.

what we do know is that -us- won't happen this year. and it won't happen in the first three months of next year.

mother fucking g-d damn it, i hate being right.

for the last few weeks, i felt my time in hell was drawing to a close, that my sentence was going to be commuted.

instead, my appeal was rejected. the govenor turned down the appeal for pardon.

the death sentence stands.

there are very, very few people who know when they will die. death row convicts, suiciders and Blade Runner replicants are pretty much it. sure, as the last few seconds of your life tick by you know it's gonna end -soon-... but as far as advance notice? hardly anyone gets that.

20091231235958. elapsed time: 51 years, 9 months, 7 days. 1,633,910,400 seconds.

18,910. eighteen thousand nine hundred and ten days.

2,353. two thousand three hundred and fifty three days of knowing her. 6.44 years. i've known and loved her for 12% of my life. roughly two hundred and three million seconds of knowing her. 203,323,018. give or take.

of those 2,353 days, i was fortunate enough to spend somewhere around 60 hours in her physical presence. 60 hours out of the 56,472 hours that we knew each other. 1/10th of 1% of our time was actually spent -together-.

799. seven hundred and ninety nine days since the -first- time my actions tore us apart and demolished her heart. and our future.

1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days of knowing, loving, enjoying my baby. until the day i started destroying her and us.

1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days trying to woo her, to win her heart, to pull her away from the man and the life she said she didn't want.

97. ninety seven days remaining. that just struck me as pretty fucking funny... for weeks i've been POSITIVE that there were less than 100 days until we were together. looks like the 100 days was in fact a valid timeframe.... just not for the event that i thought it would be...

and then?

an infinite number of days just like the last eighteen thousand nine hundred: days of not having her, not being with her. but at least the pain will stop.

i wonder if she'll remember me? in two or five or twenty years, do you think she'll remember me? or our time, even though we didn't spend it together? if she does remember me or our time, will it be a good memory? a bad memory? or just some distant thing that happened in the past?

how to tell when things haven't gone according to plan

2009-09-25T06:14:00.002-05:00

can't see the forest for the trees

now that's a true statement; sometimes you're just too close to something to be able to see it. especially when it's something of critical importance to your life... or something you've been waiting a long, long time for.

so, for those of you who, like me, are sometimes a little dense when it comes to figuring things out, here's some helpful hints.

when the two of you have what should be a life-changing event and then a week passes and she hasn't even mentioned the event? that's not a good sign.

when she says on friday that on monday she will tell you the date of the next time you can see her and a whole week goes by with a) absolutely no mention of a next visit, b) complete avoidance of the entire topic of seeing her again and c) it turns out that the last visit was actually the most relationship-detrimental event in recent history.... it's not a good thing.

the way this week should have gone is that on monday we should've been giddily discussing the visit and eagerly laying out a schedule for the next few visits. we should've been doing that because after the initial visit it should've been just a matter of weeks until we were actually together. i should've bought another airline ticket monday night. should've told my boss that i needed next thursday and friday off. should've been walking on cloud 9 all week.

instead? the week brought nearly complete silence from her on all things related to the visit, any future visits and on anything about her and i being together. eventually it was brought out that to her (and subsequently to me) the absolute worst thing that could possibly have come out of our visit last week was exactly what she took from it. instead of wanting more and wanting to get closer and wanting our time apart to end? instead she can't even contemplate another visit. we've gone from "at least 3" visits before she leaves him to not even talking about any more visits. we've gone from "end of year" as a very likely timeframe for us actually moving in together to knowing that in six months we'll still be exactly where we are... her with her husband, me here alone. (actually by then i'll probably be in another job in another state.. assuming i'm still around, but that's for another post).

when you have an event that should be positive and life changing and the event passes and there's absolute silence about the event... and the mental framework changes from days to months... and everything that you feared could possibly have gone wrong, has....

things haven't gone according to plan

time

2009-09-25T05:49:00.004-05:00

i am notoriously pessimistic. except when it comes to her.

we had a visit last week. the first in ten months. she told me to be prepared because it wasn't gonna be all fun and games. in other words, not at all how i expected it to go.

i expected it to start as it did; her reserved, guarded, closed off. and i expected the joy of seeing me (yeah, i know.. sounds ridiculous to me too) would crumble her walls, bring her running into my arms, have her bending over begging me to fuck her.

yeah. i know.

no matter how it actually went, the visit was supposed to accomplish one main goal - get us closer, get us started, send us on our way to getting together.

the one thing i didn't expect was that a visit would set us back. instead of doing what it absolutely should have done, bring us closer to being together, it did exactly the opposite.

she's less inclined now than ever to have another visit. the state of our love relationship has actually been hurt, set back many, many months. going there to see her, or more accurately, for her to see me, has pushed the starting of us getting together even farther into the future.

in what has to be the most unbelieveable and unimaginable scenario possible, us spending time together is actually bad for us. i've tried many times to argue with her that more time apart is not something that makes us closer. but she's not having any of that. in her mind, the more time we spend apart, the closer we are. so maybe the visit was actually successful in that now we get to spend even -more- time apart! isn't that great! it'll be so good for our relationship. just like all the other months and years spent apart have been so good for our relationship.

a couple weeks ago i wrote that i felt we were so close to actually being together that the date was less than 100 days in the future. that's a manageable number, one that you can hold in your mind, in it's entirety, and see a beginning and an end to. each day that passes can be ticked off and its' time removed from the time remaining: 99, tick. 98, tick. 97, tick.

no so any more.

she told me yesterday that it's not likely that we'll be together this year. whoosh - there goes the concept of having a finite amount of time left to wait. she'll never give an actual time, of course. never has, never will, as that would tie her down to something and cut out the wiggle room. but during conversation it pretty much came out that the timeframe that i posted about several weeks or months ago is in fact about accurate.

and somehow, i'm supposed to be happy about this. she is, after all.

so way back when i said that if we weren't together by halloween that we wouldn't have another opportunity to be together until after my birthday in march. why? after halloween is the holiday season. thanksgiving, xmas, new years - and she -couldn't- leave him during the holidays, because that would be mean and hurt -his- feelings.

which brings us to mid-january. she can't leave him then because that's only a month before their (2nd) anniversary, because that would make -him- feel bad. and of course, you've got to have a sufficient buffer of time after that, lest -he- feel bad.

which brings us to late march, my birthday. i'm not sure yet why march won't work, but i'm sure that by january, we'll have a perfectly valid reason to delay getting together even longer.

so.

we go from a FINITE, manageable, survivable 3 months to a not-less-than-6-months-and-that's-just-the-starting-point. from finally having an amount of time that you could hold in your hand, point to on the calendar and actually wrap your head around as having an -ending- date, back to the infinite, unknown, unknowable "sometime in the future".

what we do know is that it won't be less than six months. what we don't know is what unit of time she's measuring in - months? quarters? years?

so instead of counting down the days to being together, it's time to go back to counting the seasons. another summer over, here comes fall. another fall over, here comes winter. another winter over, here comes spring. summer, fall, winter, spring. summer, fall, winter, spring.

repeat as not necessary.

what i didn't do on my summer vacation

2009-09-18T12:40:00.001-05:00

admittedly, there were many things i -hoped- i'd get to do on my vacation.

i'd hoped to win her heart back. hoped to hold her. hoped to convince her that there would never be a better time than TODAY to leave bf/hubby and start our life together. hoped we'd fuck. hoped we'd start making plans for us.

then, there were things that i actually expected would happen: that we'd see each other, that we'd kiss, that it would be tentative, short and that she WOULD NOT be leaving with me.

there's also three, maybe four things that i'd REALLY, REALLY hoped she would make (let?) happen, no matter how difficult just being close to me was, simply because, well, they're fucking important. or, they are to me, anyway and by extension, to her.

we've had a few "ceremonies" or "rituals" (neither of those feel like the right word) in the last few months. we've exchanged commitment rings. she's accepted and is wearing my cuff on her wrist, as a sign of ownership, 24/7. i've sent her and she's worn a couple times, my collar and a dog tag.

remember, this is the first time we've seen each other in ten months. so all the above happened remotely.

what that means is, -i- put her ring on my finger. she put my ring on hers. -she- fastened my slave cuff on her wrist. -she- buckled my collar around her neck.

she's about as romantic as i am (ie, a lot!) and feels the same sense of ?importance? in how things are done. especially things like i've just listed. so even though no words were spoken about them, i had a feeling that -she'd- want to "properly complete" our ceremonies. so i envisioned her handing me the ring i sent her... me getting on my knee and asking her to please spend her life with me as my wife, and then -i- would put my ring on her.

i saw her wanting to do the same thing with the ring she gave me...

and i also envisioned her removing my cuff (with permission, of course) and giving it, no, handing it back to me. i'm not sure if i saw her on her knees or not... probably not... but I did see her giving me her wrist so i could put the cuff of my ownership on her, myself. while it may seem a ?trivial? detail, it's really not, as the act of doing, and doing it "properly", lends a sense of decorum to the whole ceremony.

and i admit, i also had visions of her kneeling in front of me, holding her hair aside and extending her neck to me for me to put my collar on her, thereby taking ownership of her completely. after which she'd bend over, offer me her ass and then she'd be -completely- my property.

maybe next time.

expectations

2009-09-18T12:11:00.004-05:00

how is it that we let our expectations get so completely out of hand? and i mean out of hand to the point that there's no fucking way that expectation could possibly fit into the real world around us.

i'm not sure if this would be considered delusion or just being overly optimistic or if it's just me being absolutely conceited. in all the time leading up to this visit with my baby, we've had very different visions of how it would go. she saw it as it basically was - imagine a restraining order with a 50' "stay clear" zone.

surprisingly (yeah ;-) ), i had a completely different view of how things might go. i was POSITIVE that once we were in the same place again, she'd warm up. i really did. i imagined that seeing me would change her, loosen her, make her -want-. not that i'm such a draw, but just the whole thing that we share and my positiveness that being close would draw her close, so in my mind, it's definitely NOT me being conceited. i think i assumed she would react the way i would if our places were reversed.

no so much.

but on the bright side ("bright side" being kind of equivalent to finally having enough deaths from a plague to finally figure out a vaccine), i think it gave us both a crystal clear view of just how much she really can't stand to be near me. i've been downplaying what she's been telling me all these months because i mean really, it's pretty hard to come to terms with realizing that your love -really, really- can't stand the thought of being within visual distance of you. i won't downplay what she tells me anymore.

anyway, there was a point i was trying to get to, but all the above is kinda blurring my mind right now...

things you wish you'd never heard

2009-09-17T20:44:00.002-05:00

there are things that you just wish you'd NEVER heard.... a gazillion years ago, bill cosby had a classic thing you don't want to hear: your surgeon saying "scalpel". "retractor". "suction". "oops".

or, the motorcycle cop who's swaggering up to your window... you don't want to hear him say "I was -gonna- just give you a warning..."

or, your 15 year old daughter saying "um, mom? dad? we need to talk".

or, the woman that you love with all your heart, that you've been trying to get with for over six long, painful years, to say "it's not gonna happen for another year".

that's not a good thing.

i was a royal horse's ass to her today. oh, and red buttons.

2009-09-17T19:39:00.002-05:00

well then. all you faithful readers, of which there are none, are probably just dying for an update.

if you've been following along, you know that today was the first time she was able to see me in 10 months. we'd both had our own visions of how today might go, but hers were based on reality, her pains, and knowing in advance how she wanted it to go. my visions were, as usual, pretty much based in fantasy land - and had it not been for those dang monkeys flying outta my butt, it mighta come true.

uh, no.

i had -every- intention of making the best of today, i really did. i wanted to show her how much i appreciated her stretching her limits and agreeing to let me come this week. (and given the level of reluctance and trepidation she had, how could she possibly have -ever- thought she'd see me in ohio this last march? or memorial day? or the 4th? she was nearly catatonic with fear at my very presence. good g-d, being within 500 miles of me in march might have just killed her.

so, on to the trip report. i like to be concise in my descriptions; which, even though she calls me the "king of the prefaces", i do try to make as accurate and descriptive as possible. so, let's just get to the executive summary, shall we?

i was a complete and total ass today. i swear, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. she wanted to meet at lunch, so we met in a parking lot and parked facing each other and talked on the phone. she couldn't see me because of reflection on the windshield although I could kinda see her. she was perfectly okay with not being able to see me.

at her office, we talked through her window because she couldn't let me in the door. only when it started raining did she allow me inside. and she stood behind a half-wall about 20' away. here's the feel-good part: when i tried to get within 10 feet of her (because, g-d did i want to kiss her) she PANICKED. not panicked, but PANICKED. her eyes got huge, she started backing away, her voice got high and shrill and very tense.

PANICKED. at just the thought of me being within 10 feet of her. PANICKED.

and i thought she'd be giving herself to her master. LOL! and so happy and overwhelmed to see me that she'd drop her defences, give herself to me, touch, hold, kiss and maybe even fuck me.

yeah, yeah, i know, but it really did seem plausible in -my- head. i think i hadn't really counted on the level (or presence, for that matter) of actual invoke-the-flight-response panic. well, at least i can make her feel something besides disgust, anger, hurt and hate.

panic. actual, real, visible panic. i don't think i've ever really seen panic like that before. i've seen fear and distrust and dislike and trepidation and all that... i've seen wild eyed fear in the eyes of almost-skydivers as they got to the door of the plane and then froze solid. i've seen "you've gotta be fucking kidding me" looks of disbelief.

but i have to say, i've never seen total physical panic before. had it not been my beloved showing such abject fear on her face, and not just fear, but fear of -me-, it would've been an experience worth analyzing, questioning her about it, getting her thoughts. but because it was so obvious what the source of her panic was (that'd be -me-) all sense of intellectual curiosity was overwhelmed by the realization that she was painfully, physically -fearful- of me being that close to her.

inspiring real, true emotions in others can be a very fulfilling experience. i'd like to think that i'm capable of making people feel liked, wanted, appreciated, enjoyed, welcome, etc. i have to admit, i'm not especially happy after seeing the abject fear that my mere physical presence can invoke.

her panic was just the highlight though. trust me when i tell you that i managed to make the entire visit an ordeal (uh, note to readers: an experience that's described as an "ordeal" is generally not considered a good thing) that she was forced to endure.

ah, how i like getting people to express their true emotions.

to be honest, i was a shit today. i tried, i did, i really tried. i went into this knowing that this was not for me, it was for her. and if i was going to make it a worthwhile risk for her to take (so she'd do it again, which seems unlikely at this point) then i'd have to really completely sublimate any wishes or hopes or ideas that i had for how the visit might turn out and take a backseat to hers.

i made a good start of it. i was SO happy all morning (despite getting up at 3am) just knowing that i was going to visit her. g-d i was flying all morning. there were a couple of periods where i felt myself getting ?resentful? that my needs and wants, hurts and pains were not important to this day and i more or less managed to get myself past those. after all, i'd known for months that this visit would not be for me. but i tried and was even successful. some.

but it all came out anyway.

i'm a logical type person. i process information in detail fashion, apply rules and previous experience to the interpretation of whatever facts i take in from the world and then approach them in a logical fashion. there's no problem, issue, dilemma that can't be solved if we look at it logically. and that's one of the most frustrating things in this period of trying to reconcile with my love. logic isn't applicable. and that's a major factor in my frustration.

a well reasoned, well thought out argument or presentation on the facts, alternatives and options of a problem (any problem, task, idea, etc) is an elegant thing and will -always- arrive at a reasonable solution of what to do (or do next). logic. if it hurts to bang your head on the wall, then don't bang your head on the wall. as a corollary, a favorite saying i have is the "definition of crazy - keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result". i've tried for years (unsuccessfully, obviously and usually to the detriment of our relationship) to try to logically lay out a description of our situation, the reasonable alternative courses of action and their likely results.

logic doesn't apply.

example: you've heard that if you push the red button, food gets delivered to the table. so, you're in a room and there's a table with no food and a red button. "Huh", you say. "I'll bet if I push the red button, food will appear; at least, that's what i've heard". so you proceed to push the red button. and push. and push. and several thousand pushes later, still no food. so, you ask the person next to you. and they say, "oh, that only works if you're the first in line and wear a red tee shirt". so logically, you should be able to come to two conclusions. first, you should be saying "i've pushed this friggin' red button 12,000 times and no food". you should also be saying "huh, that other person said it only works under certain conditions, which don't exist here.". now, what would you do? logically, you'd say, "huh, ok. maybe i'm doing this wrong; maybe my way won't work. g-d knows i've pushed the button enough times that -something- should've happened by now. i wonder if a) my plan is flawed somehow, b) it sure as fuck doesn't -seem- to be working and c) maybe i need to think about trying something different."

no. now this makes no sense to me. and, herein lies the source of much of my frustration. she has a predetermined path that she -KNOWS- is the one, the only, the right path from then to us. no negotiation, no compromise, no change. she knows herself and she knows that no other way will enable her to solve the problem. but holy fuck! we've been through numerous iterations of this process of pushing the red button and there's still no fucking food on the table!!! at -some- point doesn't it only make sense to try something different?

see? that's the problem with logic versus emotions. logic has to follow rules. emotion just -is-. it is just because i say it is. or because i think (KNOW) that that's how it's supposed to/gonna work. or just because i say it is and this is how i want it to happen.

but, whatever. it is what it is. and what it's not is open to suggestion, compromise or alternatives. that in itself is a conundrum because the only acceptable result for me is to have the fucking food show up on the table. i don't really give a fuck -what- makes the food appear, just that it does. if the red button doesn't work, let's try standing on our heads. if that doesn't work, let's try knocking on the lab door. if that doesn't work, let's try sticking a pinky up our nose and farting in show tunes. whatever. if the fucking red button doesn't work, do something different! you may -want- the red button to product the food. you may -need-, for pride or reputation or whatever, for pushing the red button to make food appear. you may desperately -want- pushing the red button to make food appear. but g-ddamn it! if pushing the fucking red button doesn't do it, DO SOMETHING ELSE.

so even though i know pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, and even though she knows that pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, she -wants- the pushing of the red button to be the thing that makes the food appear on the table.

so?

push. (no food)

push. (no food)

push. (still no food)

push. (no food)

push. push. push. push.

what happens when the red button is pushed to death and falls apart and theirs STILL no food on the table? will it -then- be time to try something different? or just install another red button?

since i'm a logical kind of guy, my answer is null and void out of the gate.

the red buttons are on order.

whoa! reality check

2009-09-16T12:02:00.002-05:00

you know, for someone who's such a pessimist, such a "glass half empty" kinda guy, I sure am awful optimistic when it comes to her...

since about labor day (well, after, coz she was gone for quite awhile around labor day), I've felt so good about my mindset, my mental perspective. and I wanted her to know and feel it and see that hey, see? I really am here and focused on us...

the beginning of september was an important milestone, although not an "actual" one. the beginning of september marked the month where she was gonna see me. no matter, the visit was to be a milestone, an important way point on our journey to us.

she was going to push to see me around her birthday, no matter what. and since we'd talked -often- about visits and what would be required to get us back to us, the start of visits denoted a very important kick off date. we'd talked for a long time about having visits, once we started again, about every 2 weeks, maybe every 3, depending on schedules. and she'd highly intimated that 3 visits would kinda be the magic number, possibly, after which we'd be -very, very- close to being together, if not already there.

so, doing the math, 4 visits from her birthday would (would have) put us right at the 2nd week in november. now mind you, that means the 2nd week of november as a very possible time that she'd be leaving bf/hubby to be with me. meaning we'd be starting our life together, mid-november.

that was a powerful, powerful beacon to me. and its proximity was starting to have a profound effect on my mindset. the nearness of her birthday and what i thought that meant to us was rapidly changing my perspective, for the better. us being together was becoming -reality-. the date of that was creeping closer and closer; everyday was bringing us closer to being together. instead of looking ahead and seeing an endless parade of who knows how many months, the future was starting to gel, to actually take form, fall into perspective. it was no longer an unknown number of months in the foggy future, but instead, it was turning into a date (or a range of likely dates) that was in the foreseeable and -near- future. a hundred days, give or take. that's ALL! just another hundred days or so... and not 100 days until we see each other, but 100 days until we're -TOGETHER-!!!!

WOW! what a perspective change! instead of every morning being just one more morning of one more day of not knowing when or if we'll ever be together, every morning became a marker of 1 day closer to being together! the days were still long, but they stopped dragging on interminably. the weekends still sucked, but every one that passed was one less before we were going to be together! the turning of the calendar began to be a good thing again, instead of a hated, despised event.

whoa! time for a reality check.

she already knows that she's not going to be able to see me this visit. nothing like being open and wanting to make something positive happen.

and when i asked her when she thought she might want the next visit she said "3-4 weeks, maybe".

what? wtf?

so, time to revamp the calendar. what i thought might be our -start- date instead may be about the time of our second visit. a visit during which she may actually want to be in the same room with me. so i'm thinking us starting fucking and her leaving hubby probably ain't gonna make the agenda for a november visit.

"days", as a discreet, finite unit of time are fading back into "days" as the foggy entrance to a dark, scary tunnel of unknown makeup, unknown length, unknown pitfalls. days aren't getting X'd off the calendar any more, they're back to being boulders of sand falling on top of me from this huge hourglass hanging over my head. days are no longer prized as just one of a hundred or so to be put behind us before reaching our future. days have resumed their shape as snowflakes in the blizzard, drops of water in the waterfall, falling sand/rocks in the hourglass of life. where before there was a set, finite number of them, an unknown number yes, but in the -countable- range, today each is again just one of a million coming down the pike.

a week ago, every day that passed was one less day until i could have her again. i suppose that technically, I could still look at each day that way, but there's a crucial difference: before, I knew that there were about 100 of them, give or take. i knew, concretely, that by the end of this year, we'd be together. now? no clue. there could be 100, 200, 500 or 3,000 days between now and "us". so yeah, every day that passes is one more day down and one more day closer to us.... but it still leaves a whole heap of days out in front...

Today is the last day of this life....

2009-09-16T07:12:00.002-05:00

-this- life, the one that I've managed to make so many missteps and mistakes in, ends today.

No, there will be no funeral.

Its passing is noted though not mourned.

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow starts a new life. My new life. -Our- new life.

Tomorrow I go to see my baby. For the first time in just under a year. (a -year-! :-( )

Tomorrow will not be the stuff of legend. There won't be fireworks, a parade, marching bands, a buffet or an open bar. There won't be screams of lust, pain or joy. There won't be long periods of post-coital bliss spent staring longingly into each others' eyes.

What there will be is reconnection. We'll be in the same place, talking without needing electronics between us. My baby and I are starting our journey tomorrow. We come together seperately, from separate places. We'll circle and dance and poke and prod and touch tentatively. We'll look and see and smell and sit and laugh and talk and have moments of awkward silence.

And then she'll go home to husband.

And Friday, we'll do it again. This time, somewhat more relaxed, with the initial tentativeness and caution eased.

Tomorrow, we meet as two individuals, coming together again after so many missteps and mistakes. Tomorrow we shake, acknowledge our mistakes, make our apologies and then join hands and turn together toward the future.

Friday we spend time together, again.

Tomorrow, we meet as two.

Friday, we leave as one.

And a new life begins.... for both of us.

There will be a short viewing tonight, a quick review of a life gone terribly wrong. Tears will not be shed, donations are not requested. The past will be laid to rest so the future may grow to its full potential.

The past will not be missed.

and he does it again

2009-09-08T14:16:00.002-05:00

g-d. what a difference 6 hours can make...

six hours ago, i was poring over the calendar, eagerly marking out visit schedules for the rest of the year, both a 2 week cycle (8 visits by years' end) and a 3 week cycle (6 visits) ... i marked them both on a calendar with different colored highlighters... laid them out in a table... outlined the most likely period when i thought she'd be ready to finally be together.. (late october through late november... about visit 4 on the 2 wk cycle, visit 3 or 4 on the 3 wk cycle... either way, i pretty much saw (as i have for a couple months or so now) that my best guess on when we'd be together (as in togethertogether, as in she leaves hubby) was november-ish. preferably earlier in the month, but i pretty much reckoned by turkey day for sure...

and then she came back from her week (10 days) away.

now you'd think that'd be a joyous occasion. but no. once again i fucked it up. i worked really hard on not jumping all over her when she finally reappeared. i've only been anticipating this morning for 10 days, but intensely for the last two or so.... i purposely held back, wanting to make sure i didn't say anything that'd make her feel bad, purposely wanted to give her the time and the space to find her own way back to us... as i thought we'd determined during previous conversations that she needed.

apparently i was wrong at that, too.

so instead, she's in tears. telling me i told her she did it wrong. telling me that it was -i- who didn't seem anxious to be back in touch...

wow... really??

wow... will i -EVER- treat her right?

this morning i was so happily looking at the calendar.. .confident that all that i've waited for, that she's waited for, that we've waited for... for six long years... for the last two years.. for the last 8 months... all that we've wanted and waited for... CONFIDENT that all of that was coming to a head and would BE HERE in less than 100 days.. by the end of the year, if not sooner...

i KNEW it was coming.. .there was nothing but the knowledge of the absolute truth of that, throughout my bones.... every fiber of my being KNEW that us being together, the only real option, was not only finally going to happen, but that we were starting to count down the days!!! it was shaping itself into a date, a REAL date, on the calendar... not too far away.. end of the year, tops... possibly as soon as 45 days away... not a single iota of me in anyway doubted that the only possible outcome, her and i being together, was in fact the only possible outcome. there simply are, were, no other possible outcomes....

and then? i opened my mouth.

when i left for the dr's office this morning, i carried with me the ease and confidence and surety of the knowledge that our wait was soon going to be over, that very soon, we'd fix all this shit and finally be together....

and then? i opened my mouth.

just six short hours.

now, instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the final wait until we're together... instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the period during which the rest of my life would finally come into focus, hell, come into -being-.... instead of feeling this enormous stretch of waiting and desolation and aloneness coming to an end, being replaced by the life we were supposed to have, supposed to be having....

now i see the next 3-1/2 months as the last hurrah. it's not a time for final redemption, but for her to finally figure out that it's not me she wants. time for her to work up the courage to tell me that she can't do it, or doesn't want to do it, or just plain and simple doesn't want me.

i thought my life would be in full bloom, full swing by the end of the year.

nope.

the end of the year looks like it's gonna be my end too.

we'll have visits.... probably 3, maybe even four... until she tells me that as far as she can tell, i don't really want to be with her.... or that she simply can't be with someone who's hurt her so much... or that she's decided life with bf really is what she wants, after all...

and then she'll tell me "go, live your life"... when what she really means is "go, so i can live my life".

i'll brood and stew and spend a couple of weeks drunk, probably losing my job in the meantime. and then I'll take one last trip home, to her... i'll stalk her for a week or so.. i'll want to see her back in full swing with -him-.... and then our hero will ride off into the sunset...

broken. crushed. empty. and hoping for a quick death.

i shouldn't feel like i've been so mistreated, i guess. g-d knows i've had enough chances to turn things around and haven't been able to. g-d knows -she's- given me more than enough chances.

i guess i don't blame her.

i don't much care for me either.

it's been a good run though... almost 52 years... just a month or so shy...

and for the last six and a half years of my life, i had the privilege of meeting, befriending and knowing the woman i was supposed to spend my life with. i do wish for more... i wish we'd had the time together that we should've had.. i wish i'd never hurt her like i have...

and while the lingering effects of me passing through her life will soon fade.. at least by me passing through, she got to meet -him- and find her future.

i really thought her future was -us-. i really did.

probably would've been... if not for me...

looking back, looking forward

2009-09-08T07:36:00.002-05:00

today's the day - she comes back.

finally.

about four years ago, on 8/27/2009, she told me she needed to take some time. some time away from work. some time away from me.

today she comes back. she's scheduled to come back.

i know in my heart she's never left... but it's been an awful long time since she was here. it feels like forever.

our first scheduled visit is rapidly approaching. that is, the date that she's said, since may, that she'd definitely see me by - 9/17. so far she's a little shaky about it, but no signs yet that she's close to cancelling.

of course, i like to make the best use of time. so of course i planned flights where i'd get there in time for us to have lunch together and then time after work, then again friday after work. she's already let me know that thursday lunch might be difficult for her. not because of scheduling, or work commitments or other engagements. but because it's -me-. so, 1/3 of our potential meeting opportunities has already been taken off the table. i'm pretty sure that bf and the universe will do their best to minimize any other time she & i might have. will he travel on that thursday, to perhaps give us a few extra hours at night? no, i'm sure not. if anything, he'll probably not only -not- travel, but he'll probably have some early afternoon event scheduled so she'll have to leave work early or right at quitting time, thereby allowing her & i no time. it's pretty likely that the same thing will happen on friday as well. in fact, if bf and the universe don't fuck up thursdays' time, you can count on them fucking fridays' time.

which will kill me. she'll see it in me and in my face. she'll take it as a reason for me to leave. and when i leave her on that friday, she'll be both worried and confident that i'm bolting again, leaving her again. i know i won't, i know there's not even a chance of that... but she doesn't. and so -that- will set us back another month or two.

i even went so far as to lay out a 2-week and a 3-week visit schedule for the rest of the year. (wrt some things, i'm an eternal optimist). She's said a few times that 3 is pretty much the minimum number of visits before she's able to see herself leaving bf and being with me. three visits is either 10/15-16 or 10/29-30. that'd be cool.

by years' end, there's 8 visits on the 2 week schedule and 6 on the 3 week schedule. my hope is that by years' end, we're commuting back and forth as a couple.

fantasy? possibility?

He had hi-i-igh hopes, He had hi-i-igh hopes..

2009-08-24T10:55:00.002-05:00

post withdrawn

in the clouds

2009-08-18T20:08:00.000-05:00

sometimes, life is just so good, so wonderful that you wind up walking around with your head in the clouds. and that's a great place to be....

of course, there are dangers with that, too....

there's a danger that the road you're walking will turn a bit, even slightly, and without even noticing it, pretty soon you're not on the same road anymore....

and the danger with straying from the road is that you take that next step..... and find yourself stepping off the precipice...

i know what dying feels like

2009-08-13T15:05:00.001-05:00

i know what dying feels like.

i die everyday. have died everyday for six years. yeah sure, maybe those are little deaths, but they do destroy the soul. i wonder if really dying is like all of those combined or if the only difference in really dying is that the pain actually stops?

it's gotten worse lately. it was worse last year, when i thought we were on the road to recovery, to getting together. but i fucked that up. this january i thought we were headed toward being together again. there's been several times along the way that i thought the end of this and the beginning of us was finally in sight. memorial day, the 4th, labor day, her birthday; and looking ahead i see the next milestones we'll miss - her birthday, halloween, thanksgiving, new years, my birthday.

every day that we end our day not getting together is another death. the time of death is around 5 pm my time, when she tells me she has to go. has to go home to her husband, her home, her life. then hours of hurt and loneliness until i get to wake up alone the next morning, knowing that she's waking up with him. i shower, dress, go to work, wait until she gets in and makes contact. then a few hours of life until she leaves again.

all the times i thought we were close, meaning within a couple months, and then didn't, the deaths become more real, more painful, harder to recover from. each death takes a slightly larger piece of my soul. like my love for her, my soul (i think) is infinite, so hopefully no matter how many deaths there are, no matter how many more deaths there are, no matter how many little chips are destroyed, there'll still me more. hopefully some day she'll want me.

i can't imagine bearing this desolate emptiness even a single day longer. but i can't imagine being without her, either. i laugh very little, except with her. i -feel- very little (besides emptiness and pain) except with her. there is a g-d, because he made her. i hope he doesn't let my heart die before she can heal.

it used to be that when a date was ruled out it was a terrible, crushing moment/day. just today she confirmed, indirectly, that there will not be a visit next week, even though she said she'd think about it. i'm crushed, hopelessly crushed and in pain. but it's a dull pain, i feel it as a dull pain, even though i know it's huge. there's only so much pain the brain and the heart can register before being on overload. at that point, you're aware of the pain, but can't really feel it or seperate it from the rest of the sea of pain.

and consider that... she thought about a visit next week... and still can't do it. g-d.

why is he more important?

2009-08-12T06:27:00.005-05:00

here's a news flash: i'm not doing good.

how is it possible that at this stage in the life of a middle age, middle class white professional there's not a single thing that's going well? Okay, maybe that's not entirely true; my current contract gig is a -great- place to work, but even that is overshadowed by potential downside. They might offer me a permanent position - which would be great. they have great benefits, a great working atmosphere, solid company. the downside is that because of my alimony and pending bankruptcy, i may not be able to -afford- to work here because it'll likely be about a 20% cut from what i'm making now. anyway, that's months down the road.

i'm pretty sure there's a cavity in my bottom back right molar. it just popped up yesterday with sudden sensitivity to heat and cold. great. that's my reward for not going to the dentist for the last 2 years. that was all part of my "fuck it, my life sucks so what's the point" campaign. which has been on hold a little but is gonna come back full swing pretty soon. B and i had an agreement; i'd go to the doctor to get some things looked at and she'd follow up with a health issue that she's been avoiding for two years. so, i've been going to the doctor. diagnosed with diabetes & high blood pressure, both being addressed now with diet and medication. had a hernia repaired. now that surgery's past i can get to the dentist for that long delayed work. B hasn't kept up her end of the bargain. she's no closer to getting to the doctor than she was 8 weeks ago. the irony of it is that i've been addressing my health issues, which may help me live longer. won't that be great if she decides not to be with me?

here's a good news/bad news thing: B's been sending me pics over the last few weeks. but yahoo hasn't been delivering them. from yahoo to yahoo - no picture delivery. from her to my work, no problem (but hard to send XXX shots to work, not that they are). from me to her, no problem. the ONLY time it doesn't work is when she's sending pics to me. go figure. well that's not entirely true. when there's something i want her to read and there's limited time before she has to go, those emails, from me to her, never seem to go through either.

bf, with the help of the universe, has been finding new and novel ways to interfere with the already limited amount of time that B and i have to talk. he's almost completely stopped traveling. he still goes, maybe once a week, but only for a few hours, not the 9am - 7pm trips he used to make. those were great because it gave B and i a couple extra hours twice a week to talk. of course, those trips don't compare to the 5am - midnight trips he took twice a week last year which gave B many morning hours and many, many evening hours to fuck -him-. and that's besides the every weekend, all weekend 3somes in which bf -invited- him to come play. the last couple of weeks he's traveled once on his usual tues/thurs trips; and then he came back at 5. now you'd think that'd be no big deal, because B stays at the office and we usually talk to 630 anyway. but no! because bf was gonna be driving by the office around 5, she had to leave early because she doesn't want him stopping in to her office, because it might not be "clean" (of incriminating evidence). so, not only does he hardly travel at all, he comes back early, and his coming back early cuts our time extra short. ain't life grand? the other day, bf and the universe cooked up a particularly good one. B teaches classes Mon & Wed night; bf usually (used to, anyway) travels on Tues & Thurs. Her car started acting up Monday, so he took it on Tues to check it out. no, of course he didn't travel. he decided it had to go to the shop (which it did - it sounded terrible). which meant that bf had to pick B up at the office. and of course he came early, cutting an hour and a half out of the 2 hours we might normally had had.

i can't wait to see what's in store for the rest of this week/month/year. it's been a banner time so far in so many ways.

B and i had been video skyping from her office after work for many weeks. suddenly it stopped working. for a while she could see me but i couldn't see her. then that stopped too. i've suggested several alternatives: other video chat clients, getting her network guy to verify router settings, piggybacking on someone else's wifi. yes, yes, yes, she's agreed to all of them. but, she's pretty busy, granted. now, i completely understand that even though she says she wants me to be able to see her, that i probably haven't really earned the right yet. perhaps she'd let me see her before she was really ready to and now she's changed her mind. maybe i've been a badder boy than a good boy and i've lost the right to see her. i get it. she's the one who's been hurt and she absolutely has the right to determine what privileges i get wrt her. but here's the real kicker. she's said all along that it was important to her to be able to see me, that she -wanted- to see me (in video, not in person). but it's not important enough to fix. it would seem i've been demoted from that as well.

but this is the thing that's been gnawing at me for some time... B's biggest concern has always been that she doesn't want bf hurt by learning that she was cheating on him or being caught with indisputable evidence that she's involved with someone else. that's both understandable and honorable. nobody wants to be blindsided by finding out that their SO is leaving them for someone else. (like mine did). her goal is to, when she's ready, tell him she's not happy and that she's leaving. in the meantime, she's willing to do anything to prevent bf from finding out and being hurt. i know that staying there is hurting her; she's depressed, getting headaches and an ulcer, just generally not happy. but here's what i can't answer: why is protecting bf's feelings so much more important that her own happiness and well being? she knows what staying there is doing to her. she also knows what staying there is doing to -me-. why is protecting bf, even at the cost of the damage to herself and the hurt and damage to me (who she says she loves), more important?. why is bf more important than her and i put together? what makes his feelings and his emotional health so fucking important? her staying there is killing her and it's killing me. WHY IS HE MORE IMPORTANT? i left my life because i thought there -might be a chance- that B would be with me. B won't leave hers even though she doesn't want to be there and the life she does want is standing here, waiting with open arms.

maybe the problem really is -me-.

why won't she leave bf now, even if not to be with me, but just to be on her own for awhile? she repeatedly says she's dead there, can't stand being there, doesn't love him, will have no problem leaving him. so why not do it? she's said she needs time to heal from the hurts and betrayals i've caused her. but, she's not able to heal being there with bf. she can't/won't come to me before she's had time to heal. catch-22. she needs to heal before coming to me, can't heal at home with bf and won't leave bf until she feels better. i think that -together- we could both heal so much faster than trying to do it alone. at the very least, a few months of her living on her own would do her so much good. she'd be away from the home that she doesn't want to be in. she'd have free time, time on her own, to spend however she wanted. we'd have so much more time to talk and so much less pressure on us. even though i wouldn't be happy that she left bf but still isn't coming to me, at least it'd be a step in the right direction. even if she then decided that she couldn't be with me, at least she'd be free of bf and able to persue the life she wants.

maybe the problem really is -me-.

stress & a bad feeling

2009-08-11T12:06:00.004-05:00

it's a sad day today. my baby and i have been talking about stress and not sleeping and feeling like you're drowning and all that. my baby's had trouble sleeping for many years; i can't even imagine how she gets by on as little sleep as she does.

we were trying to figure out how to relieve a little of the stress in her life. the answer's obvious to me, but I'm not in the middle of it. she said "this situation" is what's causing her so much stress. no, i disagreed. it's not just the situation, my love, it's me and everything surrounding me.

she's in a life she can't or doesn't want to leave, only it's with a man she doesn't love. she's in love with a man that she wants to have a life with but she can't be with him because she's scared of him, scared that he'll hurt her again like he's done before and if it happened again, she'll completely lose her -self-. she can't get on the computer at home because he'll think she's doing something wrong. she can't get time alone, to do things on her own for the same reason. he gives her grief for staying late at work (to talk to me), but to leave early would only give her less time with us and more time to be alone and uncomfortable with him. she can't take days off work because she's acutely aware of how that will affect me (her choosing to not spend the day with me). she feels guilty for cheating on him. she feels guilty for pushing him away and for resenting it when she does fuck him. she feels guilty because he wants to resume their life of swinging and gang banging and threesomes and she won't; because she feels guilty of how that will look to & affect me. she's anxious all weekend because she's trying to find time to get away so we can have a short talk. she's anxious at the end of the weekend, especially if she hasn't been able to get away, but also because she's aware of how i feel after not hearing from her for the weekend. every morning, especially mondays, she's feels anxiety to get in and make contact with me because she never knows what state of mind i'll be in. she feels pressured to contact me as soon as she gets in because otherwise i give her grief. she teaches classes at night twice a week and she's -always- late because she spends every last minute talking to me. on days he travels, when she'd like to stay home because she could have the day to herself, she doesn't because of what it'll do to me. she's stopped fucking and gang banging and seeing her girlfriend because of what it'll do to me.

anyone notice a common thread here? it's pretty obvious....

me

how could someone who loves her so much, and whom she loves so much, cause her so much stress? in EVERYONE of her stressors, if you remove me from the picture, the stress goes away. well, all but one - she doesn't love the man she lives with. but if i were gone, they'd resume their swing lifestyle and as happened before, she'd grow closer to him again.

i don't know what to do for her. the best thing would be to somehow force her to take the chance and be with me right now. she can't leave where she is. so what's left? remove the source of all the other stressors in her life - me. i'm a selfish prick and i can't do that. i need her in my life. she is my life. and it's killing her.

what do i do? it's a no win situation for both of us. the only way out is the one course of action she can't take. how can i let my selfishness, my need to have her in my life beat down the woman i love? what do i do? the only thing i can think of is almost unthinkable and that is to let her think that i'm okay with not having her every moment that i can. why is that unthinkable? because it let's this situation continue, indefinitely. all her other stresses will still be there but hopefully she'll be able to take some time for herself without being racked with guilt about what it's doing to me. enabling this situation to continue is terrible for her - it allows her to settle into a routine of overwhelming but manageable stress and to tolerate it indefinitely, if not forever. the best thing for her would be to get out of the life she can't leave with a man she doesn't love or to fully embrace that life again and remove me. either of those would be better for her in the long run. the current situation will kill her; i believe it's already manifested itself in health problems. enabling her to keep the current situation with manageable stress levels keeps her in total limbo. it keeps her from living her life there and keeps her from having the life she wants with me.

i really don't know what to do. this won't be decided today or tomorrow or the day after that. but something needs to change so i'll step up and volunteer for the pain.

she deserves no less.

================================

on another note... despite the above where i'm sure she'll never be able to leave her life... i still hope and dream. earlier this year i'd hoped we'd be together by the 4th. then by her birthday. she says she's going to keep her promise to see me in september. i'm not going to hold her to that. i'd hoped she'd be able to see me next week. next week.

anyway, we weren't together by the 4th. we won't be together in september. and i had a really strong feeling come over me as we were talking today. we were talking about nuts and she mentioned chestnuts and how they always intend to roast some every xmas but never do. and with certainty (and sorrow) i got the feeling that she's going to spend another xmas there, with him. and xmas means their anniversary (she wouldn't leave near that). and that means my birthday (which has bad feelings associated with it because it was once a target date for us). which leaves us, where/when? may? june? july? which means a minimum of another seven months to continue growing into and accepting the current situation. another seven months of not leaving. another year of their marriage. another year of them being together. and then july and another anniversary of us - but not being together.

how could one person make so many mistakes? how is it possible that one guy can do EVERYTHING possible wrong, over the course of -years-?

Ani L'ahuvati, v'ahuvati Li

2009-07-28T06:56:00.001-05:00

thursday, 7/23/09, was an epic day.

it was the day my future was sealed.

in hebrew there's a well known bridal/love verse:

Ani L'ahuvati, v'ahuvati Li

it's from the Song of Soloman. it means:

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.

thursday, my love and i exchanged rings. nothing legal, nothing elaborate. intensely personal. intensely meaningful. we weren't even in person - we did it via video call, having previously shipped rings to each other.

i love the feel of her ring on my hand. it's a constant, tangible reminder that she is with me.

our future is here.

Sidenote: Hebrew is one of the languages that assigns gender to nouns. The above is as said from a man to a woman. The female to male version would be: Ani L'ahuvi v'ahuvi Li. but it still means "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine".

maybe it is me, after all

2009-07-27T21:01:00.000-05:00

i remember coming to this city. i was very apprehensive about leaving our home state in feb for a job here. it felt like such a huge separation, like putting yet another obstacle between us, interfereing with our attempt to get back together.

as always, she was the voice of reason. calmly laid out the pros and cons, the good and the bad. told me time and again that the distance would have no impact on us. told me that it'd be good for me to get a new start somewhere new; new people, new work, new scenery.

my biggest fear was that the distance would make it easier for her to stay away, make it less likely that she'd tell me to come be with her. and what I remember most is her telling me, time and again, "you can always leave in a couple months" [for us to be together].

that was mid-Feb. in feb she told me she was taking a weekend trip in March and maybe i could see her then.

March. no.

April. in april she told me that memorial day was very possible, maybe even likely.

May. not so much.

June. in june she said the 4th of july would be possible, that maybe i could come to her party not as her secret lover, but just as a friend.

July. no.

and now, August. she's promised she'll let me come see her at her birthday in late Sep. "See", not fuck, not kiss, not start our life together... "see"

now that's only a couple months. "you can come see me in a couple months" - a far cry from "you can always leave in a couple months [and come be with me]".

what have i done to this woman, the -one- that i love so much, that she can't even imagine seeing me in person?

maybe it's not her hurts that keep us apart; maybe it is me after all. i mean, i have a lot going for me. i'm a fat, middle aged guy, hypertensive, high cholesterol, diabetic, broke, twice divorced, heavy lifetime alimony payments, soon to be filing bankruptcy, dwindling career choices and opportunities, 11 years her senior and with a history of breaking her heart.

what hot, sexy woman -wouldn't- want to be with me?

oh, right... all of them.

knowing isn't always better...

2009-07-21T10:38:00.003-05:00

i just found out i'm diabetic. way diabetic.

i guess congratulations are in order - for me. i've worked hard over the last 6 years to abuse myself as much as possible. bad food, fast food, rich food. alcohol. tons and tons of alcohol. for the last 2 years i've drank about 3-4L of vodka per week. for a couple years before that it was 1-2L per week.

looks like i've succeeded.

i wonder if i was subconsciously trying to prove something to myself. we've just determined that there are no health issues, no social issues, no life issues that are severe enough, that no threat to my life or mental health are enough to get her to overcome her fears and come to me. nothing that can happen to me is enough for her to give up those fears and start our life together. which is the one thing i need.

and now i've proved it.

knowing isn't always better...

useless thoughts and feelings

2009-07-21T10:36:00.001-05:00

i'm not feeling taken seriously or something. i know you love me because i feel in my heart that it must be so. i know because of the way you care about me.

the way we are towards each other, the desire and lust we feel, the passion we hold for each other and the love we give each other is like no other couple ever could. i'm sure there's a lot of couples that feel that - but truly, none could compare to what we have. compared to every other couple out there, we shine light years ahead of all the rest.

save one. do you know that compared to that one other couple, I feel like we're just another long term, married, average couple? do you know the shock and desperation and feeling of despair that arises from the clash of -that- with how i feel toward us? how completely opposite it is from what i feel for you and for us?

what echoes in my mind are the times you told me you'd NEVER "rush in" to get back with (to) me, even on a monday. how you said you'll NEVER do that. and you told the truth...about me, anyway.

you've told me how you'd rush to his house in the morning, let yourself in and shed clothes on the way to his bed before spending those morning hours with him. how you'd rush to his house at lunch for those long lunches. how you got so caught up with him that you lost track of time and almost got caught.

today, with all the things we're trying to overcome, with the pain that we both feel at being separated and out of touch over the weekend, you still don't rush back in. you can even make unscheduled stops and not think to call. not that i was expecting a call; i just assumed you were late, overslept, got busy. you rushed to him, eager. tearing off your clothes as you walked through the door. and tell me you overslept. or had errands. it's not a high priority that video problems get fixed. never mind what i want - YOU used to -want- to see me. now? oh well, guess video's still not working.

why is that kind of passion missing when you think of me & us? are we so much less than you and he were/are? when was the last time you ran to us, eager for passion? when was the last time you stripped off your clothes as you anticipated our time together? when was the last time you initiated sex? or even just talked sex to me, on your own, because you wanted to? when, if ever, was the last time you wanted to surprise me with a skype fuck?

a couple weeks ago (it may be just one, feels longer) we talked about doing something to alter our mindset a little. we talked about acting as though we really were a couple, already together, who're just temporarily seperated because of work or something. you agreed, liked the idea, thought it might help us feel closer, might help you let down your guard, feel more free with yourself. you cautioned me that it wouldn't just burst free, that it'd take a little while. to be honest, it may have been only a week ago; it feels like two to me. have you felt anything? have you even once had a fleeting thought that you'd like to give me -whatever-? or do something different? do you remember us talking about this? you cautioned me and i concurred. i knew the floodgates wouldn't come down suddenly. but i thought you were going to lower the walls a little. maybe push yourself to do somethign different - somethign as difficult as letting me see that (*&(#!@ picture of you in a hat and pony tail. g-d baby :-(. am i so low that i can't even see that? you rush to get naked with him just minutes after bf leaves but you can't bring yourself to let me see you clothed, in a hat? how little must i mean to you?

life, rev 3

2009-05-14T13:40:00.002-05:00

well, at least some uncertainty's been removed.

there will not be an -us- until april-ish, 2010, at best.

there won't be any B in my summer.

she has promised, as best she can do, that she'll let me see her right before her birthday - which is a little over four months from now. add the required number of visits, the time between and the holiday bumps to figure out where that puts the first possibility of there being an -us- that consists of B and i. i'm too numb to do it right this second, but i guess it works out to april-ish.

of course, that depends on her actually being able to see me right before her birthday. she thought for sure we'd be seeing each other by memorial day, but that ain't happening. four+ more months seems like the odds get raised, but there's no guarantee.

so what the f-ck do i do with my summer now? i'd really planned on seeing her, really thought it was a possibility, something she wanted. despite being the eternal pessimist, i had truly let myself believe that we'd be seeing each other this summer. i KNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWFUCKINGKNOW that things never work out like i want, that's why i'm a fucking pessimist. so why do i let myself be so optimistic with regard to her? oh, right - because she's the woman i love. because i can't imagine a life without her in it. because i don't want a life without her in it. because there is no life without her in it.

this does remove some uncertainty though. i'll definitely be going through my legal issues on my own. i know where i -won't- be living.

damn. when the numbness wears off, this is really gonna suck. and hurt.

life, revised

2009-05-08T06:16:00.000-05:00

well, obviously a visit didn't happen this week. it wasn't even discussed.

and since it wasn't even raised as a possibility, it's safe to assume that next week won't either. and she's gone the following week. so that means that May isn't gonna happen.

that's a -real- disappointment, for a couple of reasons. the first is obvious: she still doesn't want to see me.

the second is more of a personal disappointment (as though being told, even round-aboutly, that your love doesn't want to see you isn't a personal disappointment). to the best of my recollection, i'd asked her, back in march during the long weekend of talk time we had when she was traveling, if she thought we'd see each other by Memorial Day. and she'd quickly, positively and quite firmly said "oh yes, definitely by then".

maybe not so much. but i have to say, it did make me feel a little better during all those intervening weeks.

sigh.

while i'm sure her goal wasn't to make the boy feel a little better, it did accomplish something more important: it relieved her of some of the stress from me of pushing for a visit.

and now we're here. or more accurately, she's there and i'm here. one thousand, one hundred and fifty one miles apart.

if only it were just miles. miles can be conquered by car, by plane, hell, by walking if need be.

my light, my life, my strength, my purpose

2009-04-29T21:45:00.001-05:00

a whole month has passed since i last wrote here. the quest to be together with B goes on. i think, i'd like to think, that we're closer to being and getting together than we were a month ago, but to be honest, i just don't know. it's hard to imagine that we couldn't or wouldn't be closer to that goal, but there's no concrete signs to support that.

i've been gently pushing for a visit to see her the 2nd weekend of may... a short visit, we'd really only have our regular thursday hours (morning - maybe 2, lunch, after work up to 5 if bf is traveling) and friday afternoon, maybe 3 hours. and that'd be it. i certainly have no expectations of fucking... i mean shit, she won't let me see her standing up on skype, much less an in person visit - so fucking? pffft. out of the question. we might as well be talking about the likelihood of finding $10k laying on the street. could it happen? yeah, sure. it's a possibility - extremely remote, but yeah, conceiveably it could happen.

i wanted the early may visit so that we could have an extended visit the week of memorial day. whether she works or not, it's a prime opportunity to spend a lot of time together. if she works, perhaps as much as 24 hours together, over the course of the 4-1/2 days. if she doesn't work, it could be easily another 12 hours. fucking on that trip? yeah, that's a possibility, but not the reason for the trip. i wanted earlier trip so that any "first-visit" jitters or problems would have already been worked out, worked through, and then we could have this long visit to really spend time together. if we fucked, she might even take bf out friday night to a swing club or a bar, "accidentally" meet me and bring me home for a threesome. that would allow me to spend most of saturday with her (them). and, it'd pave the way for me spending weekends with her (them) on any subsequent visits. but again, sex and certainly not the threesome, were not the main objective of the memorial day trip - being together was.

she's said she thinks she'd need a minimum of three visits before she'd ever be ready to be together, to leave bf. ok, i guess that's reasonable. she says she needs to see me leave (go back) and still be around (ie, not -leave- her) in the following days. i know that that'd never happen, but historically it has, so i can't really blame her for that. but i do have an issue, some heartburn with the whole thing.

first, let's look at the calendar. assuming we start visits in early may, there's three weeks between visits, and she needs/wants 4 visits before she can say, "yeah, let's do it". since the universe has a way of intruding on our time, let's also assume that one visit will get screwed. so, 4 visits plus 1 lost with 3 weeks in between. that's 15 weeks, which puts us at late august. however, the early may visit isn't looking very likely, so count memorial day as the first visit and now we're at late september, around her birthday.

so far, either one of those timelines looks and feels fine. except for the minor assumption that she'll be able to do it. or that 4 visits will be enough for her. if it's 5 visits, then we're at late october, the start of the holiday season. she's said repeatedly that she'd not leave him during the holidays. ok, so that puts us at january. well, early january is only a few weeks before her anniversary; would she leave then? if not, that puts us at march.

absolute best case? late august. more likely? october, but there's the holiday thing. worst case? march. eleven months from now. 47 weeks. 320+ days. and that's really not "worst case" - worst case could be june '10. april '11. november '12. who knows? worst case is never.

but here's another rub. all that is predicated on starting to have visits. which we're not. which she's not even seriously contemplating yet. every week she doesn't think about getting together for a visit pushes the entire timeline (all the timelines) out at least another week. i say at least because for every week she can't bring herself to want a visit now, i have to fine tune my estimate of the damage i've done to her. every week she doesn't think about a visit changes the value of "x", the unknown "hurt" factor in the equation. another month where she can't yet contemplate a visit might stretch everything out another 3 months. two more months without her being able to consider a visit might stretch it out 6 additional months.

and she can't yet contemplate a visit, even a month in the future.

i'm ready to give up -everything-, a job, income, move back across half the country to be with her, starting tomorrow, today, NOW. she can't even contemplate actually having a visit.

she expects me to bolt, to leave, at any time. i'm sure you can imagine what a great, positive effect that has on her healing, on helping her get to where she wants "us" again. again, i can't blame her. otoh, as i told her today, -tried- to explain but i think i probably failed miserably at.. i'm committed, as never before. i'm here. i'm not leaving, until and unless she tells me to go away. she has no reason to believe that, because it's the same thing i said before.

but i know, in me, that now is different. i broke it off with the whore almost three weeks ago. no contact, no future contact, told her i was done. haven't thought about her or missed her or anything since. i tried to tell B today -how- i felt now was different than before. i can't really say what -is-, only what isn't.

while the prospect of another 6, 9, 12, who-knows-how-many more months ahead, alone, without her crushes me like a ton of bricks, the thought of leaving never enters my mind. the thought of questioning what the fuck am i doing here? never even occurs to me. what does come to mind, besides the mind-numbing and overwhelming pain and depression, is the knowledge that i did this to her. me. i did this. it's because of me that we're here, that she's unable to even imaging being in the same room with me. it's because of me that, instead of celebrating our first full month (at least) of being together as a couple, we're here. her there, me a thousand miles away, trying to work through the mess i've created.

what i need from her that i didn't really get before, and that frankly she's terrible at giving is "status". i need her to let me know that things are moving along, that she's feeling better, that she sees "us" becoming more and more of a reality, getting closer and closer. she's always played things like that very close to the vest - which has made me think nothing was happening inside her. which caused me to do stupid things. without it? dunno. one possible future i could see is that 12, 18, 24 months down the road, in essentially the same condition we are now (strictly a phone/long distance relationship, no closer to being together), depression and utter hopelessness taking over. depression and drinking are already issues (or near issues) although they're under control. in two more years? i wanna say, no problem, for her i'd be able to hang on. but to look at it objectively, two more years would mean EIGHT years of chasing her, trying to win her. and what if, in two years, there was -no- indication that we were any closer to being an "us"???

i don't think she'd ever do this intentionally; but i do think it could happen with "the best intentions". she says she doesn't remember time. she can't remember when her 22 man gangbang was or when she was last used as a party favor. yet she remembers details with acute accuracy. still, i believe what she says. otherwise, how could -six- years (okay, 5, if i hadn't fucked up) have passed without her making a move? she does seem to -not- have a sense of time passing... so it may be entirely possible that another year, or two or even three might pass without her feeling any sense of loss, or lost time or urgency. i've told her that i can't be a telephone friend the rest of my life. actually, that's not true. if that's the path that our lives take, then i will be a telephone friend the rest of my life. it's just that that life will end (be ended) when the pain of not having her, of knowing i'll never have her, of knowing that i could have, would have, almost did have her, is too great. and i will probably, in a drunken/drugged stupor take my own life or die in a darkly comical and ironic accident. i envision if like that semi-famous actor who, in a drunken stupor, fell, cracked his head open on a coffee table and bled out in his living room. or, it'll be 1:30 in the morning and i'm in need of a late night snack to ease the drunkenness and wrap myself around a telephone pole. hopefully i won't take anyone else with me.

anyway, enough with the morose crap.

for now, i look forward to a future with her. she is my light, my life, my strength, my purpose. i don't remember a me before her and can't imagine a me without her. nor do i want to.

what is and what ain't

2009-03-30T05:53:00.002-05:00

it's been three weeks since she went away for the weekend and i had her almost completely to myself for 48 hours. since then, there's been a couple times i've had her on the phone for >6 hours. it's been 11 weeks since her monday night call to me saying she missed me and us. and it's been 18 weeks since that terrible saturday in november. it feels like a long time. but then, i was the doer, not the doee.

i've tried many times to get her to just chuck it all and let us start, even though she's still hurt. she can't trust me yet, can't trust that i won't leave her again and from a purely objective point of view, i don't blame her. i know what's in my heart and i tell her that, but her response is always "but you were just as sure last time, too." good point. what she can't know though, is what those times of being without her, during which i was sure i'd lost her for good did to me. she can't know, just like each time has beat her down, made her more unsure of us, how each time away from her, how the panic set in when i finally realized that my future wasn't gonna be with her.

eighteen weeks. four and a half months. and we've progressed to the point where she'll usually let me see her on skype. not always, but often. not to the point where i can assume it - i'm still always surprised when we talk and she won't let me see her. there's still no new pics, no views of her in a skirt, or dressed to teach class, or her sexy legs and ass, still none of the pics her girlfriend took of her (that she was gonna send me before -then-), none of the pics she says she's taken of herself in clothes i've bought for her or outfits i've suggested for her. she wouldn't even let me see a pic of her from the marathon she ran - probably because she was wearing -his- hat and -he- was with them (her and bf) the whole day.

when she went away for the weekend, -she'd- mentioned that -maybe- it'd be an opportunity for us to meet. that didn't happen - when it came down to it, she couldn't stomach the thought of being in the same room with me. not to mention that my very presence would have spoiled another area of her life - the area that bf is from. since then, i've tried to get her to let me visit, tried to get her to leave bf and come see me, even tried to just get her to leave bf and get her own place. no, no and no. still can't stand to see me, can't do that yet, has to be her own idea on her own time. on that she's been consistent since the first time we talked.

so soon, bf will be taking a weekend trip and she'll be home alone. to me, it's a perfect opportunity for me to fly in on a thursday, spend thursday night with her (coz we usually get a fair amount of time on thursdays), then friday afternoon and then saturday through sunday afternoon. sex and fucking? not a chance. talking, being together, touching? yeah, that'd be possible.

only one small problem.

let's ignore the fact that she can't see me still. or that she won't let me see her, other than from behind the safety of her desk or her couch and never anything except from her neck up. never mind the fact that she tells me she can see us together, wants to be together. or that it's been almost a month since since her trip, almost two months since she first mentioned this trip, which will be late next month. or that she hasn't mentioned it at all. something significant will probably happen for me around the end of march, which she knows about and is somewhat involved in. yesterday i asked her if she thought we'd see each other by then, within that two months. she didn't say "no", but she certainly didn't say "yes" either. she said "i'd like to say yes...". i know her well enough and we've been through enough times where that's been her answer to know that seeing her is not something i can count on. it could happen, but i really need to not get my hopes up. if possible, i should try to completely forget about even asking or hoping to see her, otherwise i'll start pressuring her to do so and that will send her the other way.

so, let's follow the time line. almost five months since -then-. almost three months since she called. almost a month since a real opportunity to see her was passed over. less than a month till the next opportunity to spend time together. and she isn't sure that in -two- more months she'll yet be able to stomach being in the same place with me.

what is is that i love her. i can't picture my life without her. what is is that because of what i've done to her, she isn't sure, despite also believing that we belong together, that she can find her way back to an -us-; which means that no matter how much she wants it, needs it, sees it, she might just not be able to bring herself to do it.

what ain't is the romantic notion/hopes i had that i'd be able to call her up, ask her to leave bf and fly to me, spend a few weeks here wrapping up this part of my life, then we drive back to her area and we start living our life. what ain't is the equally romantic wish that she'd call me one day and just say "be here tonight" and that while i was winging toward her at 500mph she'd be home packing her bags and telling bf she was done. what ain't is the hope that we could be together anytime soon. what ain't is the frightening reality that the legal and financial hardships that are relentlessly getting closer to me will be weathered without her by my side; i'll have her support, but it won't be in person.

what -is-, everyday, is another day of the fucking reality of what i did to her, to me, to us.

fuck.

of great weekends... the two minutes it takes to undo them... and property rights

2009-03-09T13:31:00.005-05:00

it was a great weekend. i had her almost completely to myself for 48 hours.

she traveled over the weekend. she was gonna take him with her (bf wasn't going) and spend all her free time fucking the shit out of him while she was away but instead decided to spend it talking with me. hopefully working toward getting -us- back together.

it wasn't exactly how i wanted the weekend to go down. naturally i would've preferred to have flown to where she was and spent the weekend -with- her. not even fucking, just -with- her.

she couldn't do that. the thought of being physically in the same place still disgusts her. i was pouty and petulant off and on for the last couple weeks, i admit. but, as the weekend started i got over it. there were some rocky spots late at night - caused by me, as usual.

but the really cool thing? well, several cool things.... first, she let me see her. i got to look at her face again. and it was such a ... ?relief? so welcome, so needed, so... -finally-. maybe there really is hope for us.

saturday night she got back to her hotel about 5. and other than about 3 hrs, from 1 am to 4 am, we talked from 5pm saturday until 230 sunday afternoon. and g-d.. it was wonderful. it was -us-. it was how it's supposed to be, how it's been with us from the beginning. it was, truly, amazing. sunday morning i even told her about the sex blog about her that i'd started. it was something we'd always wanted to do, but understandably got left behind when i hurt her. but with my renewed hope in us that she gave me in mid-january, i decided to start it up. i wasn going to populate it with stories and things until we got together and then give the site to her as a gift. so i regustered the domain and setup the blog.

i told her about it sunday... and she was THRILLED! :-) i read her all the postings and we talked about them and about doing more. she wants her pics up, her face pics. she said she'd contribute stories about her adventures with -him-, even give up fuck/action/gangbang pics. (which would be awesome, because i haven't been able to get her to give me any.)

we said goodbye as she got on the plane sunday afternoon. i didn't expect to talk to her again until this morning, but she called from the airport before meeting bf. and ..... boom.

she said i sounded different. wierd. not happy to hear from her. like i was hiding something.

and "poof"

all the good from the weekend evaporates.

"poof"

she sent me this message a little while ago:
you trick me every time. and i hate myself for it more than i hate u for it
"poof"

i asked her not to tell -him- about the blog i put up about her. she said she wouldn't even though she probably should.

"probably should". do you know why she "probably should"????

property should always check with its' owner before making any decisions.

the party and the favor

2009-02-25T21:45:00.002-06:00

my B had a special day recently... her birthday. i'd told her that bf and -him- were undoubtedly planning something "special" for her... a gangbang, an orgy, a train, a bukkake party, something of that sort. at the very least, a night of the two of them fucking the shit out of her.

she denied it, didn't think they'd do that without her consent, and given that she's been turning them down lately, she didn't think it likely. however, when pressed, she said she was "80% sure" that they weren't planning anything for her.

fuck.

i hate being right.

turns out, they did plan something for her. something very special. something that gives a very good indication of just how far she's been able to bring bf along as she's let the slut out. way back when, at her first gangbang, he had trouble with six guys fucking her.

not so much anymore.

bf and him planned quite the party. when bf drove up in front of the building, late that evening, she asked what was up. he smiled at her and said he had a surprise for her. when pressed, he told her.

what they'd arranged was something that she's very, very fond of. something she -loves- very much. she's a slut and she loves being used, taken, passed around. she loves being just the fuck holes (all three of them) for anyone who'll fuck her.

bf told her: there were between 20 and 40 people in the closed, off-hours bar. a regular party, you might think, right? no, not quite. yes, it was to be a party... and she, B, was to be the party favor. she, and her holes, were to be at the use and disposal of every man and woman at the party. any guy who wanted to fuck any hole? she'd not only be -expected- to give it up to him, but she willingly, gladly, eagerly would. and woman who wanted B to lick her cunt until she came, or fuck B with a strap on? B would eagerly, happily, willingly comply.

she's been a party favor several times, the "entertainment" at a party. she's been the serving cunt at a group of guys watching sports. she served them beer, snacks, food and blowjobs. when she wasn't fetching food or drink, she was on her knees sucking somebody's cock. the first time was with -him-. after she fully integrated -him- into her life/marriage with bf, she got bf to buy into the idea and then he'd arrange similar parties, where she, my B, was nothing more than the cunt, the ass, the mouth and the serving bitch for the men and women at the party. and, since she is, through and through a slut, she loved and loves it.

she didn't go into the party with bf last weekend, out of respect for the time that she and i have been spending together. instead, she blew bf in the car, took him around back and fucked him, then took him home and, in her words, gave him a damn good fucking.

she did lash out at me though, and let me know that she's been giving up "some seriously good fun", some "damn good fucking" for me. she let me know, in no uncertain terms, that she missed being used and fucked by a room full of men and women, that she seriously wanted and missed being used like a slut, like the entertainment, like a party favor.

here's the really confusing part for me. i know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that she can (and has) fuck 30 men at a time.. can easily, readily and happily be used by 40 men and women in a room, sucking cock, licking pussy, giving up her ass to anyone who wants it. the confusing part is that it kills me, rips me apart at the very seams, that she can tell me this, proudly, and tell me that she misses it, wishes she'd done it. as much as that knowlege kills me? if she was with me, i'd happily set up the same situations for her. if she was my cunt, i'd LOVE watching her slut herself out to a room full of men and women, would LOVE watching her be used by 30 guys, fucked in every hole, passed around from hand to hand. the difference is it's been with -him-, the fucker. if it was with me, i'd be reveling in the scene, proud as proud could be of my slut. instead, every word of her story rips me apart.

my B, my love - party favor. entertainment at a party. slut/cunt/whore/holes to be used by anyone who happens to be in line.

and i love her.

the FUCK was i thinking?

2009-02-25T04:33:00.000-06:00

we all have our particular skills and talents, don't we?

mine seems to be hurting B, pushing her away, pissing her off.

drawing her close, getting her to want me, want to see me isn't one of them.

convincing her to do something she is dead set against doing certainly isn't one of 'em.

and the thing is? what the FUCK was i thinking?

she's traveling in the near future. just a couple days, but it's without bf. now, over the course of our relationship, there's been three, maybe four times when she's been apart from bf for a night. on two of those, -he- got to go to her house and spend the night fucking her. -him- and who knows how many others. so here comes the fourth time she'll be apart from bf, for an overnight, in the almost six years we've known each other.

she wasn't able to see me before i left our state for this job. she hasn't even let me see her, in any new pictures or on skype. yet there was a possibility, she even said so, that she might have me meet her when she traveled.

so the time is drawing near. i've already arranged a day off from my new job. last night we talked about it again. she can't do it. can't stand the thought of seeing me. it disgusts her. and here's the (not so) funny part: i got mad at her. i explained how rare an opportunity this is; she knows. i told her i didn't expect any fucking, just talking; she knows. i explained how great it'd be for us to be able to sit and talk and see each other for all that time, be in the same room, be away from everything else, in a neutral place; she knows.

she also knows she doesn't want to see me. can't see me.

which brings me back to my original question: what the fuck was i thinking? she won't even let me see a new -PICTURE- of her, won't let me see her on grainy, broken, shitty voip video.

but somehow i thought she'd want to see me in PERSON?

self delusion is a powerful thing.

what now?

2009-02-20T04:02:00.003-06:00

the last few days have been tough. they've also been, in many ways, exceptional days....

where to start?

upheaval. there's been plenty of that. i got a job in another city. so i've packed up and left her (our) state and driven for two days to get to a new location. unfortunately a new location only about a three hour drive from the whore. you can imagine how happy that makes B.

just twelve hours before hitting the road i was seriously considering not taking the job for several reasons. first and foremost - it puts B and i so far apart. geographically far apart - hopefully not mentally and emotionally, but i'm not sure. sometimes i think B is sad that i'm going to be farther away (she's said she likes having me close by) and other times i think she's ?relieved?. talking about my reluctance to move away and to be so far away, she's said many times "it's only a job, you can leave whenever you want, even if you're only there for a couple months, if/when i'm ready i'll tell you and you can leave then".

emotion. there's certainly been plenty of that, both soaring high and sinking deep. we've had some amazingly close and intimate (not phone sex) talks recently - reminiscent of our earlier days but even more than that. these were talks where everything else faded away, nothing intruded on us. during those times, there -was- nothing else. only her and i. only the sound of her voice, only the feel of her soul connecting with mine.

there've also been some depressing, crushing, devastating talks too. not arguments, but where we were both just kicking each other in the (emotional) teeth. lashing out, venting, saying things that we knew were mean and hurtful and not necessary... but we both have -so- much hurt and pain inside us, sometimes we both feel so unheard, so not understood by the other that it's difficult to reign in that emotion, to put the hurt down rather than picking it up and shoving it onto the other. yes, sometimes lashing out in anger can make you feel a tiny bit better but in the final analysis it doesn't really help because later you feel more of your own hurt simply because you lashed out at the other. not only that but digging up that hurt gives it more power again and you feel that again. and again. and again. and how bad do you feel for intentionally hurting the one person who means so much to you?

dismay. B and i have always been sexual with and to each other; it's how we started, how we so deeply connected and it's always been a part of our foundation. i've known she's been being the sexual person that she's known herself to be (even though she hadn't previously let that slut out) since and during the times we've been apart, not together. she's always downplayed it and i've always thought it was not only more than she let on, but feared that it was even more than my wildest (worst) dreams. turns out i was right. the numbers aren't important, because they don't really convey an accurate portrayal of her without knowing her and the rest of the story. let's just say that she doesn't consider less than ten guys a gangbang. and there have been dozens of gangbangs. while that may seem... ?shocking? it's not. not to me (although it hurts) and not if you knew who she was. the really hurtful part of her activities is that she's always said they're "distractions" to get her mind off of the pain of my rejections. distractions? no baby, taking a few lovers on the side is distraction. burying yourself in a hobby or work is distraction. this is... commitment. while i wish i didn't know the extent of her activities (and what i know is only what i could drag out of her), i'm glad i do. even though the extent of them is hurtful to me, it's also some small relief because i know her and i know that this B, the slut who asks her bf and her lover to arrange for 30 guys to come over and use her, pass her around, is part of the amazingly sexual B that i know. and love. and to be honest, if B and i were together, i'd be doing the same thing, arranging the same gangbangs for her so that -i- could watch with love and pride and lust as the woman that i loved lost herself with abandon to her lust. i truly wish i could be the one that she looks over at as she's getting fucked by the 26th guy of the night, as she cums for the 100th time. i wish that was me, not bf and not that fucker -him-.

desire. my desire for B has grown exponentially over that past few weeks. not grown, really, because it's always been there, always been all consuming, overwhelming, endless. but when we're not together, during those times when i've left her (g-d how is that even possible?), it's had to be reigned in, put away, lest it's power and the pain of knowing i'll never have her destroy me completely. but in the ?six? weeks since she called me that monday night, it's been growing. i feel it in the warmth that spreads over me when i hear her voice for the first time in the morning. i see its hold on me when i wake from yet another sexual dream about her. i feel it's strength when i beat off to thoughts of her and the intensity of my orgasm makes my eyes roll back in my head. i can feel its power when as we're having a normal conversation, thoughts of turning the conversation to sex, thoughts of verbally seducing her and taking her so that together we can find and touch each other and to hear her. after so long without it, to hear her lust take her over, hear her desire in her moans and in the way her voice softens and deepens, to hear her cum over and over. even now, at 430 in the morning, after drinking myself stupid and passing out at 11 or so, just these thoughts of her have me hard and hungry for her. her skype account is still signed on (from home) but "away" - i want to call her just in the hope that she's up and would answer - just to hear her voice, to hope that she'd want to phone fuck. but i can't call - if she is logged on, the computer might make noise and bf might find out. so again, i'm left powerless, unable to contact her, unable to fulfill my desire for her.

confusion. i know how i feel about B. i have no doubts of what she means to me. (please don't ask me to explain then how i could leave and hurt her three times - i don't have an answer.) i know that were she to call me this morning and say she's changed her mind, she wants to start us now and to please don't take this job and come home to her - that i'd be in the car within minutes, starting that long drive back to her. it's where i belong. it's where i should be. -she- is my home. i also know, deep in my heart and without reservation, that she loves me. that she loves me as deeply and as completely as i do her. i also know that she wants to be together, wants the life that we were destined to have (and damn me to hell, that we'd have been starting right now) as much as i do. so you can imagine how confusing it is to me to know all that, to tell her that i should come there, that we should heal her -together-, plead with her to let us start our lives together and to hear her say, repeatedly, "i can't". those two small words destroy me, probably much like i've destroyed her heart repeatedly. they paralyze me, knock the wind out of me, immobilize me. how can she -not-??? on my side of us, i know that we're -there-, we are right now within 4 days of starting our life together. but she can't. and that speaks volumes about the depth of the hurt that i've caused her. she too knows that we could start within 4 days. but her scars are so deep and so painful and so raw that she won't even let me see a picture of her or see her on skype. hurts so overwhelming that she can't stand the thought of seeing me in person, much less of actually being together as an "us".

and so i sit here, in a strange hotel in a strange city at 5 in the morning, days away from starting a new job and i ponder the future. i thought i had a pretty good outline of how the next year and then the rest of our lives would go. but during our conversation last night i learned that i need to rethink it. she's said many times that she needs time, that it won't be quick, if it happens at all. because she's also said several times that i "could leave there in a couple months", i've sort of latched onto that timeframe as an indication of how long i'd be here, of how long it might be until she -is- ready and able to start us. but she corrected me last night; pointed out that this time was worse and would take longer to recover from than the first time - and that took nine months. so i have to prepare myself to wait as much as (or even longer than) a year. a year; g-d. we could've been together by our fifth anniversary, july of' 08, were gonna be together for our sixth anniversary this year. if we manage to get together, hopefully it'll be by our seventh, in 2010. besides all the other things that i regret... i'd really thought and hoped that we'd be able to celebrate her 40th birthday together. but we won't - because of me.

and so the things that i have to go through this year, besides a new job in a new city, i'll have to do without having B by my side. it would've been a tough year -with- her; while i'll still have her support, it'll be long distance. she'll still only be available when she's available - days, an occasional evening and for a short time on the occasional saturday. she won't be there when i get home, won't be there when i wake, won't be reachable by phone whenever i need her. without her? this year will be a test. a year of job, move, significant legal and financial issues. a year of knowing that anytime i have any kind of sex, she'll be forced to distract herself with everything that she can do in the same period. think about that.... if i were to pick up a woman in a bar and fuck her once, B will take a weekend and have her bf and her lover arrange a gangbang, a swing club visit, an overnight threesome; she could easily fuck 40 guys in a weekend. and that's only what i can be sure of and know for a fact. she doesn't believe what i tell her now, so undoubtedly there'll be many weeks/weekends when she'll be having all that simply because she thinks i'm having sex and lying to her about it. or just because she wants to.

i imagine a "reasonable person" would read this and think "what the fuck?". i can see that. but that person doesn't know the B that i know. they don't know what it's like when she opens her heart and soul to me and beckons me to her. they don't know the richness and the feeling of finally being complete when you mesh so completely with another person - with your soulmate.

that's what she is, truly - my soulmate.

record breaking time

2009-02-17T08:14:00.003-06:00

she was off yesterday, so it's been a long weekend without her; we talked a bit on saturday, but that was it since friday afternoon. she wasn't even able to get to chat or email until late last night, when she emailed that she'd be able to talk this morning. so, you can guess how anxious i was for this morning to come around, to finally be able to talk to her again.

she called, early. our first hour was great - light, fun, easy, us.

and then -i- started talking.

fuck. how do i do that?

we had a lot to talk about and we did get to some of it. a lot of things happened this weekend to talk about. i took some pics (some of 'em even good), we saw a movie, finished a book and i had a fun adventure monday. i bought her some cool, sexy shirts :-). and i did my first domain and website...

writer's block

2009-02-06T12:28:00.002-06:00

i used to write for B - erotica, scenarios we'd someday act out, sexual thoughts i had of her.

once, i even collected about 30 of them together and read them aloud, recorded them and sent them to her. she always said she loved them. i even got to read her some of them over the phone.

i found them (well, they weren't lost) the other day and read them. compared to the things she's doing and has done in the last year + with bf and with -him-, they're SO lame. i mean, what the things i've written (which we both considered edgy and very erotic back then) is the kind of stuff she does with -him- now in an afternoon fuck at her office. i was going to send them to her for her to read if she wanted... but after i reread them, that'd be equivalent to telling Einstein you have a book for him that he'd really love and then sending him a copy of a 1st grade arithmetic book. nothing, in all the stories i wrote her is the least bit "challenging" or erotic to her, after the things she's done.

i wrote about sharing her with other men - she's fucked about 100 guys (in 3/4/moresomes and gangbangs) since thanksgiving. i wrote about surprising her with another woman. she's got a girlfriend, several girls and couples that they can call up for play time any time, and she's been in a six girl party.

so i thought maybe i'd try writing some new things for her. never mind that i'm sure that no matter what i can dream up, she's already done that and more. at least it'd be more interesting than that early stuff.

i can't. everything i come up with seems so small, so lame when compared against her experiences. i can't imagine it'd hold her interest in the least. and i couldn't withstand the effects of her laughing at me or the writings.

if we do ever wind up together.... i can only guess how lame, how boring, how unsatisfying she'd think our sex life...

another fucking weekend

2009-02-06T12:07:00.003-06:00

another fucking weekend... in more ways than one.

B and i used to have a love/hate relationship with weekends... love because for a year or so, we got to have lots of time talking on saturdays and sometimes sundays. hate because we were apart and because sometimes we didn't get that talk time. later, after we lost the phones, we just hated the weekends. her because of what was happening in my life, me because we were out of touch and then because of what i knew was happening in her life.

even though we're talking again (and talking a lot) we still hate the weekends. at least, i do; i think she does but it may be more of a dislike (because she fills the weekends with -him- and fucking and all kinds of things). my weekends are a little different. my drinking has been increasing for well over a year, to the point where .... it needs to be gotten under control. (no, i don't drink and drive). my weekends consist of finding something to do during the day (which often means reading or watching tv or movies) and waiting for happy hour to start so i can get shitfaced and forget.. forget what i've done, forget what she's doing at that very moment (well, hours). i've noticed that happy hour has been starting earlier and earlier.

and, this weekend, the fucking starts again. in earnest. she's taken about 2 weeks off from fucking -him- and given it to us as talk time. it's helped, helped me, helped us, a lot. but it's time. bf has been pushing to have -him- over (no, bf doesn't know about -him- and B fuck on the side, or that she wears his collar) for a night of fucking her. and -he's- been pushing her for it too. and, i imagine she's itching to get back to it as well. so, i imagine, they'll invite -him- over, have a drink and maybe a quick fuck, then go out for dinner, drinks and maybe dancing or pool (or fucking in the pool hall, which they've done), then back to her house for hot tub, blow jobs, ass fucks and a long night of fucking. followed by a morning and afternoon of more of the same.

happy hour starts really early this weekend.

i have the gall ...

2009-02-05T10:04:00.003-06:00

over the last few days, days that B and i have been spending a lot of time talking, i've become more and more... morose, more disconsolate, more acutely aware of the pain i've caused her and the hurt and damage i've inflicted on us.

if there can even be an -us- anymore.

i guess i've never really stood up and taken responsibility for what i've done. i've rationalized it, excused it, gave reasons for what's happened, no, for what i've done. maybe that's kept me from knowing the pain and hurt that she's been feeling for so long. maybe i haven't done it because to do so fully exposes my hand in hurting her. -her-. the person i love more than any other. ever.

so let me say it - i betrayed her. i hurt her. i lied to her. i cheated on her. i pulled her close until we were almost together and then i left. not once. not twice. three times. -three fucking times-.

the last time... we were within two short months of being together. of her leaving bf, telling -him- she'd never see him again and us starting our life together. the life we've waited for for so long. the life we've endured so much pain and hurt to try to get to.

i did it. when we got close, closer than ever, close enough to make concrete plans, to start setting things in motion, i left. we'd talked many times about her just getting in my car and we'd leave together. in her words, what happened: i got in your car, you drove around the block and then dropped me off.

i can only imagine the hurt she must have felt, must still feel. i'll never know it completely, but if the hurt and loss that i feel are any indication, then she must have been devastated. devastated is never a word i'd associate with her because of her strength and character, but i think it conveys some sense of the magnitude of the betrayal she must feel.

sometimes when we talk i hear it in her voice. or in little things that she says or the way she phrases them. other times it jumps out in outright kicks, hurtful phrases. when we skype it's evident - because she doesn't let me see her face... the top of her head at best. she says she doesn't want me to see her, that it makes it too personal, that i don't deserve it. it's apparent in the way she refuses to let me see her on my way to my new city.

and when i see and here and sense these things in her, these indications of the depth of her pain, it pains me. terribly. foremost because i don't want her to hurt, ever. for any reason. and then the pain that comes from the realization that -i did this to her-. and it's not just pain - it's humiliation, it's shame, it's disgust at myself. and when i start to wallow in my own pain, the shame gets worse - how can i possibly feel my own pain after what i've done to -her-??? i have no right to hurt, no right to feel bad, no right to feel the loss of her - because i did this. i put us here. this pain is what i've caused.

and on top of it all... i have the gall to be upset that she won't see me. she won't let me see her on skype, won't give me any pics, won't let me see her before i leave her or on my way out of here. she says the thought of seeing me "disgusts her".

she's going away, alone, for a couple days to a family thing in a few weeks. to me, it would've been an ideal opportunity to meet. i'd fly there, get a room close to her, then we could spend time together, talking, being in the same room. and it'd be away from everything else. sex? no. no thought of it - all i wanted was to be -with- her, to spend time with her. she can't. it's still too soon and the thought of seeing me isn't something she can take yet. right now. and i have the gall to be upset that she won't. she wants to talk during that time though. yesterday when she told me no, i was very upset. not arguing or like that, just down, in despair, hurt, lost. and that upset her, upset her that -i- could be upset over her not being able to see me after what i've done to her. and she told me that she'd planned on talking to me during that time away, giving us as much time as she could, if i wanted. and she told me that she was going to take -him- but chose to give the time to me, if i wanted it. g-d... she'd take -him-?

i have no right to be upset or to feel any pains of my own, especially pains that come from her not being able to do something for or with me. i have no right. i have no right to expect that she'll even talk to me on any given day. she shouldn't even be talking to me at all - any lesser person than her wouldn't be, would've given me the boot the first time i came crawling back, much less the third.

and yet i do feel pain. the pain of rejection that she won't see me. or let me even see her picture. or let me meet her on her trip. i'm out of work now for a few weeks and i asked her to let me come there, see her everyday, let us spend time together, let us help heal her and us so that we can pick up and start our life together. i told her i'd forego getting another job in my specialty instead getting -some kind- of job by her, just earn enough to stretch my money for a few months until we get together. i feel that spending time together would enable her to heal quicker, enable her to see -us- again. she won't. she can't. instead she's sending me off, telling me to spend time with the whore and she'll distract herself by fucking -him-, doing gangbangs, continuing the threesome with her, bf and -him-. i don't see how any of this can be good for our (my) goal of getting us together again.

but i have no choice. i want her to want us again. i want her. i want to be her partner and her mine. so i'll do as she says, even though i don't see the logic of it.

because there's no other possible way to get to -us-... except as she sees it.

it's gotta just be me

2009-02-04T13:53:00.004-06:00

i know i may be being hypersensitive about things in general and her & sex in particular, but still....

in one of the things about which we'll never agree as to it's impact... we had this conversation snippet recently...

me: six guys before we met. a hundred or more since we met. just not me

her: why not you? cuz when i get close to trusting you, you decide you'd rather have someone else

me: did you have to trust the other 100+ before fucking them?

her: no. but they also didn't tell me lies, about how they wanted me, and when i came to them, say "nevermind, turns out i don't want you afterall"

me: most of them didn't even know you long enough before fucking you to learn your name

her: you're right. they dind't. but they also didn't make me think i could trust them and then rip my heart out several times over

i know i did to her everything she says i did.

but am i really so wrong for feeling that it's just -me- she won't fuck? she'll fuck -anyone- else that bf or -him- tells her to fuck.

it's gotta be just me, doesn't it?

bang, i'm dead

2009-02-02T20:05:00.001-06:00

i drove to mom's over the weekend. i certainly had not expected to hear from B. but she called and we talked for 30 mins or so.

and we really talked, like those days of old. we talked, we laughed... and not just laughed, but raucous laughter, belly laughs. it felt so good, so light, so easy, so -us-. all too soon though she had to go.

then she called back, saying she had a few more minutes. and those minutes turned into almost two hours! what a surprise, what a gift, what a great day.

and then she called again on sunday and we got to spend another thirty minutes or so talking.

that was the end of the weekend. and the end of my respite.

last week, she'd agreed not to fuck -him- and to give those hours (and she gets a bunch of hours to spend with -him-) to me, to us, so we could talk. then friday, she extended the "deal" - she wouldn't see -him-, invite -him- over to her house for the B, hubby, lover threesome, if i wouldn't talk to the whore all weekend. no hesitation on my part. and i got the ?relief? of knowing she wouldn't be fucking -him- all weekend, that her husband and her lover wouldn't be spending hours sharing her.

so when i say that was the end of the weekend, the end of the respite, that's really how i felt. because i knew that if bf traveled today, she'd have been fucking -him- in the morning. bf didn't and she didn't.

nevertheless, it's coming. tomorrow is a normal bf-travels-she-fucks--him--morning-and-evening-day. oh joy. she insisted that i call the whore today and touch base. all i could think of was her comment last week that "... because you'll be talking to her during the week, i'll be fucking -him-...". then, when she could tell i was obviously reluctant to make that call, she didn't understand why.

so i told her "you're asking me to pull the trigger at my own execution." meaning that by doing that, i'd be making sure she started fucking -him- again. she never said that if i continued not talking to the whore that she'd continue not fucking -him-, but i still had that hope/connection/hope in my head.

i had no choice not to call and she wouldn't have been happy if i didn't, would've pushed until i did so. so.....

bang, i'm dead.

and still she won't see me. still won't let me come there, see her everyday, give us time together, not take this job that's going to take me far away, not give us this chance to find us again. she's not at that point yet, hasn't healed enough from the last time i betrayed her.

let the fucking begin.

B and i, again

2009-01-29T18:59:00.002-06:00

sigh....

a day off to a tough start because of her overnight reactions to last nights conversation.... a good day once we got past that...

actually, a damn good day.

my job recently ended. because my work is a bit of a niche, i almost never find work in the same city - at least, i haven't for the last 8 years. actually, since 94 i haven't had two consecutive jobs or careers in the same city.

anyway, so the job hunt had begun, begrudgingly, because what i wanted to do was to go to B's area, hang out there, see her everyday and build us back to the point where she'd want to be an us again. i have enough money that without working i could go three months. throw some kind of job, even low paying, into the mix and the bleeding slows down and i might be able to go as long as six months, maybe more.

the fly in the ointment is that she can't stand the thought of seeing me. the hurts and pains are still too new (about 10 weeks now) and, in her words, the thought of seeing me "disgusts" her. we've gone around and around about this; i think me being there, her starting to see me (and hopefully not see -him- or at least cut it down) would do what we (well, i, anyway - she has a hard time seeing if "us" is something she can even consider again) want - allow us to rebuild and get together, permanently. she thinks it'd be the worst thing for us, that it wouldn't help, that it'd only be bad for me to blow through my money. she has the final say, of course.

so it turns out that i got a job. a job not in this state (B's and my home state), not in her area, but in another state. the same state the whore lives in. not only that, but a three hour drive from the whore. obviously, this concerns me, worries me that B will think that being that close to the whore will allow (make?) that relationship to grow and make us (B and i) not possible. this is not what i want, not what i want to do. B wants me to maintain that relationship, saying that she and i aren't a given, i don't do well alone, we don't know what will happen with us, etc.

a lengthy discussion about what would/could/might happen if i take that job, the effect it'd have on us ensued, taking up the last hour or so of our talk time today. it was kind of heated, but not an "argument" per se, just a heated discussion about things that could happen. we ran out of time before we could fully recover from, come back from that "arms crossed" place. i hate when we end like that, as i never know where she'll take those thoughts overnight.

and in what can only be described as -her-, B called me on her way home. called to say that she hated ending like that, didn't want us to end like that. she is amazing, her compassion and love and whatever it is that makes her who she is, is amazing.

i don't deserve her, but i want her. that's correct but not complete: i want -us-. i know, as she does, that the us that her and i would make would be amazing.... far beyond the sum of the parts. with any luck, the friendship that she and i share and the time her and i will spend talking over the next few months, will heal her enough that she'll be open to having us again.

but this i don't understand

2009-01-29T18:47:00.002-06:00

she is always above reproach. she's certainly treated me with much more honesty than i've given her (no matter the reason).,

she told me the account name she uses when she contacts -him-. i asked, she told.

but it was a lie.

this, i admit, surprised me.

on the one hand, i can kinda understand it - she doesn't want me contacting her on that account, doesn't want me interrupting her and him when she's on that account.

but still...

imagine being told that kennedy really was killed by the cia... it's -that- much of a shock.

i'm... i'm... paralyzed by it

again and again and again and again

2009-01-28T09:05:00.003-06:00

we had a nice talk last night. she'd called yesterday morning and we had about an hour then last night we had about two.

yesterday morning was hard. as usual, i "started" it by being pissy. we worked through it during the day though.

then last night we had a good conversation.

unexpectedly, she called this morning. because of his schedule, i'd expected a call tomorrow morning but not today. a pleasant surprise, of course. until i found out that he won't be out of town tomorrow. which means no morning, no extra time at night.

and AGAIN (fuck fuck fuck) i got pissy. i couldn't let it go. i let it pull me down and then it pulled us down. and she got frustrated. and we hung up, arms crossed, not close, pulled back.

because of me. again. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

again. and again. and again.

do i never learn?

for shame

2009-01-27T23:36:00.000-06:00

months since my last post. years of things have transpired.

bottom line: i hurt her again. AGAIN. this time worse than ever.

and then, she called me late one monday night, just a few weeks ago. called me late, like 2am. she was, unfortunately, leaving -him- after a night of fun and going to meet bf, but still.. she called. she -wanted- to call, wanted to talk to me. we talked for some time.. 45 minutes or so.

and hope springs again.

we're talking. a lot. good talks, too. this week, she agreed not to fuck him and to give us the time to talk instead. that's big. she sees him a LOT. and she gave that up for the week.

last week we talked one night for 7-1/2 hours. that's a work day. and we -talked-. we talked like the saturdays we had a long time ago. then, almost every saturday for quite some time, we'd have 2 to 6 hours to talk. and it was a large part of our connecting, of building who we were and would become. last week's talk was just like that. there was nothing forced, nothing faked and not just skim-the-surface type stuff either. we talked. we connected. we clicked. we were -us-. and just like those saturdays, when it was time to go, we were amazed at how much time had elapsed and how quickly it'd flown by.

just a couple months ago, i made a stupid, stupid mistake and hurt her. again. for the THIRD time. she should not even be talking to me.

and now? now i dare to hope that she'll turn to face us again, that she might -want- us again. which means that the future "us" that was destined to happen could still happen. it needs to happen. how can it not?

i've shaken her faith in what we've always referred to as "us". she's changed (lessened) her view of what she thinks us means to me, of what she means to me. she's hurt tremendously, deep in her soul.

as much as i might wish it to be different (faster), -if- she can want us again, it'll take time. which brings back my fears of years gone by of "no end in sight" to the waiting. she's going to continue to fuck him (and many, many others) and bf and her girlfriends. and strangers. and gangbangs. and every single thing she tells me about, or hints about or doesn't tell me about will put another dagger in my heart.

and if she'll have me, i'm hers.

i'm such a disappointment

2008-09-22T19:46:00.003-05:00

so much has trnaspired, bu tthis is not the time for catch up.

she comes back form the weekend so pulled back. and it was a tuff day, coz the tension betweeen us and how it effected her. neevrtheless for me it was as its always been afgter a weekend - my B came back and thats whtat counts.... shes'' back after a weekend.

she attens a dance class and sometines she calls me after... but not tonight... and i really thought tonight she would call...

but no...

she had other things on her mind... more improtnant things.

him, her girlfriend, her hubby...

afterall, i'm just the assshole whos hurt her tine and time again

nothing more than i desrve

to her former master: FUCK YOU

2008-05-13T18:32:00.003-05:00

i'm really losing it. or already lost it.

i'm pretty sure i've already lost her. no matter what, i can't seem to please her.

hey.. and her former master - i have a feeling you're reading this.. and guess what? FUCK YOU.

you only got her because i fucked up. and yes, there's a good chance she's going to call you again and tell you that she tried to make it work with me and we couldn't. so in a sense you win. but you know what? FUCK YOU. first off, you have her body, yes. but i have her heart and her mind. it may seem like what you have is more important than what i have but consider this... i know her better than you'll ever know her. i know her heart and her inner self. i know who she is. and while we may not have been able to make it work, you only got her -because- we couldn't make it work. you were SECOND STRING, second choice, got it?

yes, she may leave bf and you may leave your wife and the two of you may spend many years together. and because it's -her- i'm happy. she deserves happiness. but just like bf never had much of her? there's parts of her that -you'll- never have too. she and i have shared much that you'll never know. so FUCK YOU.

she's told me that the two of you laugh at me and laugh at how stupid i was for "choosing" someone else over her. and maybe she told you and maybe she didn't, but it wasn't a -choice- for me. i got caught doing something i shouldn't have been doing, which she took as a conscious decision. no matter what, whether she calls you in a week or a month or six months to tell you she wants to see you again, FUCK YOU. she and I will -always- share something special and something unique and you'll never have a part of it.. you'll NEVER know the parts of her that i know.

FUCK YOU.

asshole.

no matter what happens? you'll always be second choice - because she and I couldn't make it work. yes, maybe you'll have her. but you were SECOND choice. get it?

fuck you.

and here, this'll make you even more proud, so you can puff up and feel so fucking superior, okay? i'm gonna give you this. not sure why. but one thing is for sure.. you better fucking take care of her. if she winds up with you, i'll be dead by the end of the year; but rest assured, -you- will not be free of me. if you EVER hurt her, ever abuse her or make her cry, i will be back.

she is a precious, precious gift. if she and i don't make it, it's because of me, because i couldn't be what she needed me to be. i f you EVER hurt her, i will be back. one way or another.

yes, you gave her the 20 man gangbang she wanted, just weeks after her and i ended. and you've treated her like a slut and given her away and all that. good for you. ask her where she discovered that she even wanted those things.

FUCK YOU.

asshole

an unwanted puppy

2008-05-12T22:48:00.003-05:00

this post deleted because it was a piece of crap.

like the rest of my life.

fuck it.

using or being used?

2008-04-24T21:31:00.003-05:00

she is my love, my life, my future.

i don't know why, but she wants me. i'm not sure i care why, other than to be cautious that it's actually -me- that she wants, not revenge or some image of me that doesn't exist.

she is my heart and my soul and my love and my life.

i have no doubt, none, that all of my life that has transpired before, all that i've been through, all that i've been and done and seen and experienced, all the pain and the pleasure, all the emptiness and the loneliness that i've experienced before now, all of that was designed, intended, to bring me to this point, to bring me to her.

i know this to be true. how, i don't know. but looking back, looking at all that's transpired to bring us to this point, it has to be true. there's no other explanation.

so much has happened in the last few weeks.

and yet, we find ourselves right back at the beginning. where we both know, and acknowledge, that we belong.

there is no future for me other than with her. none. it's like those ?Final Destination? movies where, no matter how they cheat Death, it has a way of catching up to them. and in our case, no matter how I fuck up (for it is usually me that fucks up), the universe has a way of putting -us- back together. actually, it's always -me- that fucks up. her only error has been waiting too long, when she knew our time was -here-, knew it was time to act.

she sent me pics tonight. that in itself isn't unusual, as she's sent me many pics recently. but these, which, g-d i wish i could post to share her beauty with the world, are exceptional. her beauty shines through. she is so gorgeous. so beautiful, so innocently pretty.. even as i know she'd look the same way (and did look the same way) as the 20th guy in the room stepped up to fuck her in her biggest gangbang. she is a slut at heart; and i love her. she will soon, g-d willing, be -my- slut, and i too will have her gangbanged. i will give her away to other men who don't even know her name (other than to call her "cunt" or "slut") to fuck. i will hand her off to a room full of men to use as they would use a purchased whore. and through it all, she will shine. her face will be as beautiful as the pics she sent me tonight. and when i take her from that room and i hold her in my arms, and i tell her that she is -my- slut, -my- cunt, the love will flow between us. for she knows, in her heart and in her soul, that she is a slut. and i know it too. and my love for her grows with each man that fucks her.

why, you might wonder? because when they have finished, when they have pulled their limp cocks from her pussy or her mouth, thinking that they have conquered something, she and i will know that it is -they- who have been used, they who have been but props in -our- play. because after they have used her cunt, after they have been given permission to cum in her mouth and on her tits and in her mouth, it is -me- that she will be with. it is -me-, her Master, that will take her in arm, caress her, shower her, clean her up and love her, it is her and I that will relive the experience and bask in what -we- took from it. she will leave the gangband with her head high, her pussy sated, her need satisfied. i will leave the gangbang with my slut, with my cunt, with the woman that i love. and together we will know that -we- have used them, for they are but props, placeholders in the life and the love that we share.

she is a slut at heart, yes. and even on her own she would fuck ten or twenty or thirty guys. but together, we will do more. together, we will feed on the base lust of those bit players. together we will feed -her- lust, and mine, and like vampires, we will feed on them.

together.

they will never know her name, never know her as anything other than "cunt" or "slut". and we will never know them as anything other than -props- in our life, in our erotic journey, in the life that she and i will share. they may thing they have scored for having fucked another cunt. when in actuality it will be -us- who has taken from them what -we- wanted.

they will leave and go back to whatever existence they led before. and we will continue on in our lives, in our shared life, and we will grow on the energy that -we- took from -them-.

and together, we grow. stronger and stronger.

and more together than ever.

believe me when i tell you that it is -us- who is using them, for our pleasure.

i know this to be true

2008-04-16T13:01:00.000-05:00

why can't i make her happy? it used to be so easy - pleasing her was one of the great joys of my life and i was able to do so often. It's still my joy to please her - but i so seldom seem to be able to anymore.

i try. but i want her so desperately, need her so much, that i pull and pull at her and all she sees is that i'm pulling at her. she can't see the reasons behind it, can't see that it's with the best of intentions, won't see the love and care and tenderness that's the root of everything i do and want to do for her.

it's so frustrating, in every way. maybe i'm off in fantasy land or something, but i can so -clearly- see how our lives could be so different. but it takes the certainty that -i- have that if she would let us be together, that we'd work it out. but just as strongly certain as i am that we would work is how strongly deadset she is against giving us the opportunity to try.

i would probably get kicked out of the "guy club" for my views on how our relationship would be, but fuck it - don't much care for the club anyway. our love would grow back to where it was. mine for her is still there, as strong as or stronger than ever, but she has none. doesn't have any love for me or us and can only barely remember it as a memory of something she once wanted.

i can so clearly see how we would grow and heal and progress toward the -us- that we are destined to be; the us we'd be well on our way toward being, had i been able to keep my cock in my pants. i can so clearly see how we'd be. Not that it would be easy street, not by a long shot. We'd have hard days, some very hard days. But together we'd get past them. And we'd heal and grow, together. and the bad days would be less and less frequent, although they may never go away altogether. but what couple doesn't have bad days? more importantly, -we- would grow and grow closer. our love and our like would grow and grow and deepen and mature. i feel this, i know this, i see this, i believe it - with every fiber of my body, with every bit of my heart, with all that i am, i know this to be true.

i know all this to be true. i just do.

she knows that she can't stand to be in the same room with me.

but the thing is..

2008-04-16T09:20:00.004-05:00

none of it matters.

i know me. not as well as i should, that's apparent. and not as well as she does - she said some things about me yesterday that were bang-on on target, but that i'd never thought of before.

i used to know her that well. until i hurt her and she changed herself. and now she won't let me know her again. doesn't want me to know her.

but still, i know some things about me. and i know that i will play the fool, again and again. and i'll let her hurt me, to the core, whether it's done intentionally or not. i'll let her rip my heart out and gleefully shred it, time after time. i know that every time she tells me (or doesn't) that she's seeing her master, sucking him at lunch or fucking him when hubby's out of town, that no matter how much i think i can't take it anymore, that i will take it. and come back for more.

because i know how i feel for her and about her. i know the love for her that's in my heart. i know the passion and desire for her that fills me.

i KNOW that she and i are destined to be together. she says she knows it too but that too much has happened and she doesn't see that destiny being fulfilled anymore. (that is, she will prevent it from happening.)

i know that i will chase her and wait for her until i die.

i know that when she finally makes it clear that there is absolutely no way she will ever let me into her heart again that i will be ready to die at that point.

she's making her argument, her position, her absolute, unchangeable "no" clearer and clearer.

i really need to watch "Leaving Las Vegas" again. nicholas cage, at the end of his proverbial rope, decides to kill him self by drinking himself to death in 30 days. well, i've been practicing, that's for damn sure. i don't know if 30 days is doable. but thirty months is. and seems like a pretty realistic timeframe.

is it happy hour yet? oh, right there are no more happy hours for me. just unhappy ones. unhappy hours, days, weeks, months, years. an unhappy life. all caused by me. because i didn't believe my love when she finally told me she was ready. because i couldn't keep my cock in my fucking pants.

what kind of fool am i?

2008-04-16T08:42:00.004-05:00

the worst kind, apparently. the kind that -knows- what to expect, dreads it, but asks for it anyway. the kind that continues to play the fool, even knowing his role.

we all play that role at various times in our lives, to varying degrees. but, i've never played the role to this degree. and yet, i know that i've barely scratched the surface of what i'll endure. because the (potential) reward for the role is the ultimate prize, the ultimate reward - her. and i know what i feel for her inside - so i know what i'll endure to have her, if that's even possible anymore.

i felt bad yesterday because i delayed her leaving her office when she was in pain and only wanted to get home. i felt -bad-, although i continued to engage her in conversation. she called a couple hours later, having just gotten home. "from errands", she said. of course, i know what the "errand" was. it was her on her knees, servicing her master. it was her bent over, begging for more pain from him. i felt bad, thinking i'd delayed her getting home, when actually she stayed until it was time to go meet him. fool check #1.

during a conversation some time ago, i thought she indicated to me that she was no longer seeing him. i didn't focus on it, because i kind of didn't believe it, despite wanting it to be true more than anything else. and she's kind of confirmed my thoughts that perhaps she was no longer seeing him. fool check #2.

and here's the biggest one of all and the one that landed us here. after -years- (literally, years) of waiting for her, begging her, courting her, wanting her to share her life with me, when she was finally ready, when she finally invited me to her, to -begin- our being together, i got caught fucking a whore. fool check #3. fool check-mate.

game set match.

now she wants nothing to do with me.

i chased her for four years and she wouldn't even see me. she met and decided to fuck her master in 30 minutes.

and the really interesting part? this might really be the telltale indication of just how much of a fool i am... i'm hoping that she'll want to see me tomorrow and friday, on my way to my next city/job. i mean, what the fuck? -really??- but yeah, really. there's nothing i hope for more than that she'll want it too. or maybe even -suggest- it, bring it up first.

and even beyond that? i'm hopeful that she can somehow see a future for -us-.

and give up her master.

and want me, once again, as her Master.

and want to share our lives, our friendship, our intimacy. the unique friendship and intimacy that has been the cornerstone of our relationship.

i'm thinking that being able to stomach being in the same room probably has to occur first.

is it a lot to ask?

2008-04-15T14:20:00.002-05:00

why can't i win her heart back? why can i not reclaim my place in her life and in her heart?

she still laughs with me. we still have conversations unlike what either of us has with anyone else. (unless she has them with her master/lover, which i'm still not sure about).

-i- feel we connect on a different level than with other people; or at least i do with her. i know she used to feel the same way... but that was -before-.

in the meantime the roller coaster ride continues... from elation and hope to despair and hopelessness.

is what i want really such a big thing? after all, all i want is for her to forgive me for betraying her and abandoning her, then to take me back, then to leave her new husband and her comfortable life, give up her lover/master and want me to own her again, to want -me- to be her Master again and try to live with me. for the rest of our lives...

is that really asking so much?

the devil is in the details, isn't it?

2008-04-14T19:27:00.002-05:00

isn't that what they say, that the devil is in the details?

she, my beloved B, has told me many times that i favor the big statement, the sweeping generalization, the absolute of anything she says.

on the other hand, she has always maintained that i should pay attention to the specifics of what she says, pay attention to her actions and what they signify, that her intentions and her desires are evident in the little things she says and does, if only i would pay attention.

and yet, it's the little things she says that really hurt, that point out to me, again and again, the level of the hurt in her heart, the degree of the pain and the betrayal that i put on her. and the level of her resistance to a future that includes an "us".

which brings us to today. we were discussing a book that we're close to finishing up and as we usually do we were in an interesting and engaging conversation about our book. the day had gone well, for the most part. she had laughed, giggled even, and our conversation had been full and interesting and at the same level of intensity as we've ever been. as we meandered away from the book, we talked about many other things, including food.

one of the things she's always ribbed me about is chicken fried steak; something i like and that she claims to have never had.

today, again, she said she'd never eaten it. feeling close to her (as i tend to do most of the time), i said "maybe the first time you ever have it will be with me".

and then the devil reared his head.

"I'll NEVER eat chicken fried steak" she said, fairly emphatically. and in a softer voice "you can't say things like that".

"I'll NEVER eat [it]". just like that. a tiny statement, a small part of our conversation.

and yet, it carried far more impact, far more emphasis, far more -certainty- than had she yelled it from the rooftop.

"maybe the first time you ever have it will be with -me-".

"I'll NEVER eat [it]".

fin. fact. question asked and answered.

NEVER.

not "maybe". not "that'd be fun". not "perhaps".

NEVER. not with you, not with my husband, not with my lover, not with friends or family or strangers. but mostly, NOT WITH YOU (me).

i've told her that -i- am ready to take up with her, where we left off. i know she can't do that, that the reason i can do it is because -i- did the hurting, i'm the one who hurt her, not the other way around. she can barely stand to be in the same room with me for 15 minutes. so it's no surprise that the thought of being physical with me would still be beyond comprehension for her. and that my offer of having her leave her bf/husband, immediately, now, and marry me, now, for good, for life, for better or worse, is as inconceivable to her, as meaningless to her as a copy of the dictionary written in swahili. the swahili dictionary, at least, she could find some use for, find some value in.

but not so with regard to a life with me.

"I'll NEVER eat chicken fried steak".

NEVER.

she says -i- always emphasize the absolute.

NEVER. there's not much more emphasis needed on NEVER, is there?

the law of disproportionate feelings

2008-04-14T14:06:00.002-05:00

i should write a theorem about the "law of disproportionate feelings" (or impressions). hm. okay, i guess that's what -this- is ;-)

i hurt B, the woman i love, my soulmate, my beschert (meaning "intended") more than anyone could ever have believed. more than anyone who loves another could ever, under the wildest, most unimaginable circumstances, ever do to the one they love.

now, i'm trying to find a way back into her life, which is where i want to be. it's where i want to live, to love, to die.

she's having a hard time with it; not even sure it's something she's willing to entertain. or even able to, even if she decided she did want it.

so what happens is the law of disproportionate feelings. the disproportionate part relates to her feelings and change in feelings vs my feelings and change in feelings.

i believe that i can influence her - somewhat. actually a very tiny amount. any other "positive" change in her feelings for me or for us has to originate from her, from within her. this may occur in response to something i do, but it originates from within her. and in reaction to HUGE changes in me, or in response to VERY good times that she and i might have (whether in chat or email or on the phone or even in person), there's a very small change in her feelings toward me and/or us.

on the other side of the equation, she can definitely influence me - with the tiniest action. everything she does and says and every action and every word, every comment, every laugh, every vocal inflection is revisited and evaluated and dissected to see if it means -anything- about how she's feeling about -us-, if there's any change in her heart. a tiny thing, THE TINIEST thing that she might do that feels like kindness or softening of her heart toward us and i'm literally -awash- in elation and good feelings and hope.

disproportionate feelings. huge changes in "us" = very small change (if any) in her. small things from her = HUGE changes in my feelings for her/us/my hope.

for example, we met again last week, twice. those were the 5th and 6th times we've ever been within close proximity of each other and actually -talked- not on the phone. on friday, she even let me into her office; we were in the same physical space. close enough to touch, to hold each other, to kiss - if that were something she could do. she couldn't - in fact, had to ask me to go outside after a while. regardless, between the visits the week before, and the chats and talks we'd had, and those visits and the emotional times we'd had while talking... all that had a HUGE impact on me. HUGE. they were at once difficult and good and welcome. and to me, to my wishful thinking, very significant.

and yet...

2008-04-14T08:38:00.004-05:00

next week i start a new job in a new city. just like the last three jobs i've started while i've known B, i worry about having time to talk during the day, time to chat. given our situation now, i'm even more worried.

chatting may be an issue, we just don't know yet whether chat will be possible at the new company. if not, there's always chatting via the phone, like at my last place, but that's less than optimal. better than nothing though and i'm glad to have it.

talking could be an issue. she doesn't have my phone anymore. she goes out for lunch everyday, an hour that we used to always talk. what she does now i don't really know. i suspect she sees her lover but i'm not sure that's true. perhaps she simply gets away from the office, runs errands, i don't know. i can't ask her to stay in her office, because everyone needs to get away for awhile. she doesn't have my phone anymore... but i do. i even brought it with me last week when i went to see her. i knew it was too soon to offer it to her. well, not too soon for me to offer, but too soon for her to take it, too soon for her to even consider it. i knew it and didn't say anything about it to her. but i hope that time will come soon. if she could do it, it'd give us time again. time we used to have - her commute to/from work, lunch, weekends. any impromptu time she might find to call for a few minutes.

my new job is near her. well, not CLOSE but nearer than i've been to her since the first few months we knew each other. -we're- farther apart than we've ever been, but physically closer than ever.

and yet... we're close too. there's still this seemingly impenetrable wall of defense she's put up against me, between us. but it's a variable wall. sometimes it's taller or thicker than at other times. sometimes it's not as solid as at other times. sometimes she lets me scramble up the outside and peer in at her, lets me reach my hand toward her. other times she lowers the rampart, so that we can see each other across the top of the wall. sometimes she stands in the open doorway, not passing through it to my side nor letting me pass through, but she stands in the doorway as we talk.

i can see her, closely guarding her heart. but my heart -feels- her heart... and i believe her heart is talking to mine...

i have to believe that. otherwise, there's no future.

brave new world?

2008-04-14T08:05:00.003-05:00

what do i talk about without the fear of jinxing what we've accomplished so far?

i've talked before about her character and the strength she has inside. but now i've been able to -see- it at work. up close. in person.

despite her fears/concerns, she said i could see her again last week. right there, the very fact that she could broach the subject and let me know that if i wanted to come up to her area, we could talk, more or less in person.

every speeding law known to man was broken to get to her.

thursday was hard. like the week before, she was unable to let me into her office but we talked from within sight of each other. that in itself was a big step for her. i loved it, despite being so close and yet so far, because a) i could see her and b) we were talking. talking, almost in person, but TALKING. during conversation, her defenses rose and fell, sometimes visibly, sometimes i wasn't aware of it until she "stiff armed" me in the chest to push me away. but nevertheless, we were talking again.

she about killed me when it came time to leave though. i was in my car, gathering my wits and my breath. i wanted to watch her leave. i know this might sound stalker-ish, but it wasn't. the sight of her is like a narcotic to me. her curves, her walk, her face, her hair. she hadn't let me see much of her during conversation. in fact, she even said that while i was in the area, she was dressing "covered up", making sure (subconsciously?) that i didn't get to see -her-, didn't get to see her sexy self, her body; shielding herself from me. anyway, i wanted to see her, see her walk, see her -whole-. she wouldn't come out. finally she called me and said she WOULD NOT leave until i was gone. i snapped; completely lost it. i was blind with pain, with rage, with hurt, with remorse, with the painful knowledge of what i've done to her. i remember tearing out of the parking lot. the next thing i remember is pulling into a parking lot and a car honking at me. it was her. she said i was driving erratically, nearly hitting curbs and other cars. i know i was zoned, but i can't really say. the thing that i remember about the whole thing? that she was concerned about me.

friday's conversation was much the same and yet very, very different.

we talked and the conversation was different than thursday. easier somehow, although still difficult at times. (something that will continue to be a part of our conversation for years to come, i'm sure.) the amazing thing? she let me into her office. for only the second time in the 4.5 years we've known each other, we were in the same room, talking person to person, not over the phone. this may sound ?insignificant? to other people, even ridiculous to some, but for us, for -me-, it was huge. HUGE. especially given her hurt and state of mind and the level of guard that she's maintaining when dealing with me.

what does this mean? i don't know, honestly. in some ways, i'm afraid to think about it, for fear of jinxing any future possibilities. on the other hand, i still firmly believe that she and i will be together, permanently, as partners. we -belong- together. she says it too, although the hurt in her heart and soul make her question if, despite being -destined- for each other, there's been too much hurt done (to her, by me) to get past. i cannot accept that. i know the hurt and the pain that i've caused her and us; it's with me all the time. but talking to her, seeing her, reinforces for me that we are meant to be together. as i've said many times before - she is my beschert, my intended. and i believe that i am hers.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

2008-04-08T14:45:00.000-05:00

self-restraint only goes so far... only works so long for me... unlike for her.

she seems able to keep herself restrained.

so far i've managed to not push her to see me on thursday and friday, days which are convenient, i think for both of us. good for me because i'm not working and could easily drive to her area for the two days... we could have lunch, after work, maybe even some of the evening depending on bf, then lunch and after work again on friday... so, yeah, convenient for me and easily doable for her.

but she doesn't seem interested in (or able to) getting together those days. still too hard for her to take.

too hard. fuck. too hard to meet and talk?

and the internal pressure to ask her, beg her, plead with her to please reconsider, to please give us this time to be together, to spend some time together.

fuck.

we should have been LIVING together right now. instead, she can't even stand to be in the same room with me. can't handle seeing me two weeks in a row.

fuck.

yeah, that was me

2008-04-08T08:22:00.001-05:00

and what will today bring? i start on edge already, knowing how her yesterday was, wondering where her head will be today. will i be a good thing in her day today or a drain on her energy?

the nights get longer and longer knowing she's there, a million miles away. consuming prodigious amounts of alcohol used to help, now it just makes the nights darker. and longer. and darker. and longer.

and then there's thursday and friday looming on the horizon. well, -my- horizon, as they don't seem to be on hers. two days when we could spend several hours together. if she wasn't seeing her lover. if she had any interest in seeing me. if she could stand to be in the same room with me.

if i hadn't destroyed her trust, her faith, her love, her soul.

yeah... -I- did that. the crowning fucking accomplishment of a stellar fucking life. the ultimate betrayal of the woman who -owned- my heart. and she was betrayed by the one person in the world who she should never have been worried about... the person who swore he'd never hurt her.

yeah, that was me.

and ... so?

2008-04-07T20:38:00.002-05:00

she had one of those days today... she needed "ease" from me, no pressures, no heartache, nothing but comfort and support. and yet again, for the 598th time, i failed at providing it.

to be honest, i don't think i completely failed her. what tends to happen is that i do support her, but my needs, my wants, my need for her and for support from her overshadow what i do give her, to the point where it's completely nullified and she doesn't see or feel it at all. so she doesn't feel it, which means she pulls back because she feels as though she's not getting from me what -she- needs (which is true insofar as she's not getting enough of what she needs), so then i feel her pullback, which means -i- feel isolated and unloved, which makes me put more of -my- needs in the foreground, which .... blah blah blah, neverending circle.

the net result of which is that she doesn't get what she needs.

looking back, i realize that i have NEVER failed to fail her. you name it, i've failed at giving her the support she needed from me.

and i wonder why she won't let me back into her life, into her -self-.. into her heart.

it feels hopeless. i've so often failed her, failed to give her what she needed... and she so seldom ever really -needs- any support. but i've consistently failed her. is it any wonder she's reluctant to let me back into her life, as her friend, her lover, her partner? it's almost laughable to think that i want to be all those to her again... and more... for i still long to be her husband.

and she's not even able to sit in the same room with me.

we were so close to having every thing we both wanted. so close. days, literally, days away from it. and i failed her there too.

fuck.

it's so easy to love her. so easy to love everything about her.

when she does finally reject me... i'll be done, finished. unable to take it, to carry on without her.

and why should i?

i'm so lost, so confused

2008-04-07T12:45:00.001-05:00

i was on a long road trip last week, changing my city from where i was working (and from where i lost B) to my home city.

B and I talked a lot last week; talk and chat. and she even consented to seeing me on thursday and friday.

she -saw- me... we talked, face to face. and it was good, damn good. it was light and good and easy... for me at least.. i know there were times it was hard on her. but i also saw many times when it was (dare i say) good for her too, when she enjoyed our time together.

she seemed to enjoy it. got to hear her laugh. see her smile. hear lightness in her voice.

and today... monday. and she starts pulled back. and stressed by juggling too many balls at once. and i'm no help to her.

i used to be. before i betrayed her trust, her faith, her love.

the double standard

2008-03-26T09:28:00.002-05:00

so, i was right. she's having nothing to do with me. because i lied to protect her.

and then it occurred to me what a fucking double standard she's applying. because she NEVER lies. no sir.

she hasn't lied to him in the 10-12 years of their 14 year relationship when she tells him she loves him but really doesn't. or the countless times she lied to cover talking to me, even after she got caught. and she certainly didn't lie when she told him she loved him enough to finally -want- to get married. and she doesn't lie to him when she sucks her lovers' cock at lunch or fucks him when bf is out of town.

no. she never lies. it might -appear-, to someone who doesn't know any better, that those are all lies and that she's done them for a single reason - to avoid hurting bf.

yes, it might appear as though those are much larger lies, done to intentionally deceive someone in order to get away with things. or, you might think that she's lying to protect bf from being hurt.

such an easy mistake to make! no, those aren't lies at all. when i lied about the two -tiny- things in order to protect her from unnecessary pain, THOSE were lies. and as she said to me this morning: "but they're so basic and simple. go to the foundation of a relationship".

indeed.

she never lies. not for any reason, not to protect anyone's feelings. and if she does, i'm sure it's justifiable.

just not in my case.

the mundane amidst the unusual

2008-03-25T22:58:00.002-05:00

so we know from my last post what the topic of the day is. i'm still undecided. that in itself bothers me because, well, im a world-class procrastinator. one pill down and the first strong drink about gone. right now we're at the getting a good buzz stage.

so, the mundane amidst the unusual. contemplating suicide (i hate that word for some reason, but it's too fucking long to say "taking my own life"). to be honest, i suspect it won't happen. anyway, even knowing that's where tonight could wind up, i still did laundry. and went to the grocery store because i needed coffee and milk. how fucking bizarre is that?

geez.

teh mind is an unusual machine, that's for damn sure. that it can contemplate ending it all in order to stop the pain, -know- what the implications are, like, uh, probably won't need much coffee, much less a gallon of milk, and still plan out thoughts like "gotta get bigger boxes to ship some things, do a change of address and get coffee".

to be honest, i probably won't do it. i'm chicken. not that i'm afraid it'll hurt, because it wouldn't. a few weeks ago i did have a gun in my hands, pondering the same thing, but i gotta think that -that- would hurt, even if only for a second. and what a mess for someone to have to clean up. i always thought (yeah, it's occured to me several times over the last 10 years or so) maybe i'd lay down with my head in a metal bucket or in the tub to keep the mess down.

the other reason is that i want to talk to her again, if she's gonna talk to me. i suspect she won't but there's always a chance. and if not, i know i'd write her a few times and maybe she'd respond, although if she's not talking she almost assuredly won't be replying to email. i'm like the rat in the third group that i wrote about a few weeks ago. i can keep hoping and hoping and hoping that she'll give me some attention. maybe even some love.. (hey, it's my fantasy).

and also, haven't i hurt her enough? even though she'd know that it was my decision and my action, she'd put some ?blame? on her self.... and i can't have that. i've already put more hurt into her heart, more pain in her soul than anyone should ever have to bear... this would just add to it. what a Catch-22; want to die because i've hurt her so badly she can't stand me and i can't live without her, but doing so would put more hurt on her.

fuck. how did i get here? and how could i have ever hurt her so much? g-d, please tell me that you have a reason for all this. please tell me that she's supposed to endure this because it'll all turn out better for her in the long run.

only a day later than i thought

2008-03-25T21:03:00.001-05:00

i've been called self-destructive by many people... my mother, both my ex-wives, friends, work-friends, a couple of people who barely qualified as acquaintances, a therapist and by B, my former best friend. I say former because she doesn't consider me a friend any more.

i suppose i've always agreed with that diagnosis. i've had a lifelong affair with drugs, although fortunately it's always been under control, never more of an "issue" really than cigarette smoking. it's certainly never affected my work, or caused lost time or accidents or lost jobs or anything like that; it's always been recreational. many would call that self-destructive behavior, although i don't. ditto for drinking; i've always had a pretty high tolerance for drink, and i enjoy it. here too, i've never had a dui/dwi, or alcohol related accident or lost time, or any of that.

social behaviors, however, have been a problem and continue to be. what do i mean by that, you might ask. at work, i'm frequently a go-getter, so long as i'm interested in what i'm doing. let boredom creep in and i lose interest. the same thing happened in high school; i was bored so i didn't apply myself, only going to college when career advancement required it and by then i was interested in learning, had an appetite for it, the coursework was interesting and therefore i applied myself.

but what i'm specifically getting at is something different and here, there are two things that i tie together in my mind, the combination of which gets me in trouble. often. today, it ended the relationship i most value in this world, my relationship with B. it's hard even to call it a full relationship, because after what i did in october, we've been apart and for the last three months i've been working, hard, to get her to try to take another look at me, at us, and see if she might somehow come around to giving us another try.

i cannot handle confrontation. period. plain and simple. it locks me up, freezes me, affects my mind, makes me unable to function almost. also, i'm really a pretty nice guy. i never try to hurt anyones' feelings, or cause anyone any unnecessary hurt. i think that's something that most of us do and to do that we often tell "little white lies", we don't tell details that may unnecessarily hurt someone else, especially someone we care for.

so, for the sake of any regular readers (hehe, of which there are none, except for me), i'll spare the retelling of the recent rocky history of my relationship with B. i've said many times that i honestly believe that she is the woman that i was destined to live the rest of my life with. she believed it too, up until late last year.

B and i did not have an in person relationship. for over four years we've been chat, email and phone, although we did finally meet in june of last year. i left my wife shortly after i met B and have been pursuing her wholeheartedly for the last four+ years. during this time, B continued in her long time relationship with her live in lover/partner. during this same period, i was single, and found a couple of adult relationships. these always troubled B, understandably. on the one hand i completely understood how she felt about my fuck buddies; on the other hand, i'm not sure she completely understood how her refusal to meet me for so long, and the ongoing live in relationship that she was in affected me. basically, i felt that she told me "no" to meeting, to starting -our- in person relationship over a thousand times.

so, during those fb relationships, i didn't tell B everything. first off it was hard because in a lot of ways i felt guilty for having them when what i really wanted was to be with B. second, the details hurt her, a lot, and more than once caused us to "break up", or nearly. so, i obscured many details. which means, i lied.

there's different types of lying and different intents. there's malicious lying - where you tell someone something that isn't true, just to hurt them. NEVER tolerate someone who does this. there's lying to "get away with" something bad or that you shouldn't be doing. of these, ones' -intent- needs to be taken into account, i believe. lies told with "malice aforethought", ie, with the intent and planning to get away with something, are bad. and then there's the white lie, which for all intents and purposes is harmless and usually intended to spare someone else some unnecessary hurt. i will say that most of the lies that i told B were in this category; lies about stuff that ultimately would mean nothing, but that would have hurt her, for the time being, and possibly caused her to pull back or even break off our relationship.

i have done both with B. i had a relationship with another woman, which B knew about. she wasn't happy, but tolerated it because of our unique situation. i let that relationship encompass things, emotional, mental and physical things, which were sacred to B and i, things that she and I shared, that belonged to her and I, that we discovered together. but i let some of those things creep into the fwb relationship that i had with this other woman. and then i lied about it to B. why did i lie? first and foremost, because i wanted, needed to keep my relationship with B. as i said, i firmly believe that she and i are destined to live out days out, together. i lied because i'd been caught, been called out for taking those things away from my relationship with B and bringing them into this other relationship. and i lied because telling the truth to B was too hard for me to admit and to try to avoid hurting B more than she already was.

for the record, it doesn't work ultimately, the effects are ten times worse than if you just deal with the truth and the fallout from that when it happens. but that's a hard lesson to learn, no matter how many times you get beat over the head with it.

now, some people will say that lying is lying. period. B is one of those people. to her it doesn't really matter if you white lie about whether or not you drank right from the milk carton, or if you lie about fucking other people. a lie is a lie is a lie. intent is not a factor. severity is not a factor. a lie is a lie is a lie. and she cannot tolerate it. period.

and so we come to where we are today, or more accurately, where we were yesterday. i know B damn well. she says i don't know her much now because of how much what i did in october changed her, but i say i do still know her. and while she was maintaining her distance and keeping me at arms' length and not admitting that she had any interest in rekindling our relationship, i knew that there -had- to be some spark of interest left in her, some hope of an "us" again, otherwise, why would she put up with the constant reminders of the pain i caused her? why would she talk to someone who did to her what i did to her?

so, fast forward to today. it's been a almost a month since i broke up with the other woman to try to get back to where i belong - with B. i haven't had much contact with her, but some; the reason isn't important, but even B concedes that some contact seemed prudent. however, i lied to B about something trivial - how the woman contacted me, i think. and something else, which was that i left out something the woman wrote in a card to me. in both cases, on a scale of 1 to 10 in importance, they were zero's.

but the thing that stands out the most is that i lied. and when i've been begging B to continue to talk, to take it a day at a time, to see that i've changed, i said i wouldn't lie to her. but i did. and here again, intent or "scale" isn't important. the point is that i lied.

deal breaker. end of story.

she's done.

she wrote me, briefly, and confirmed what i'd hoped had been true.. that there was a spark, a chance, but that i've now killed that too. she said she was disappointed (meaning she did hope we'd make it) but that she was not surprised.

and now she's gone. she hung up on me probably 10 times. i wrote her long emails, talking about what i've done to try to come back to her, how i feel, what i see, what i see in her that makes me think that she too wanted another chance at us. but she's having none of it. i lied. that's all that matters.

we've been watching a tv series together, one that she's just discovered recently and enjoys. i saw it when it was first on tv. for a long time we've read books together and she suggested that we might watch this series together and talk about it. i wholeheartedly agreed; something that we could do together and talk about! so i didn't tell her that i'd already seen them. it's bothered me for a couple of weeks but i never said anything because i didn't want to lose the activity. i told her today. she just saw it as another lie.

and now she's gone.

we've been working at this for three months; she started talking to me again in january. due to scheduling issues, the woman i was with didn't leave my house until the end of february, but B and i talked daily through that time. since then, it's been more and more and while it's been rocky, i felt we'd made some progress. the last week or two have seemed pretty rocky. plus, i'm feeling depression creeping in again (it's been coming on for several months but is now... needing attention, i think, and i've been thinking about going back on meds).

thoughts of just giving up, yes, suicide, have been with me a lot. last week especially, when B was gone for 3 of the 5 days, even though we had pretty good days. by the weekend, i thought it'd be somewhat ... ?fitting? to end my life, and the hurts i've put in the lives of so many other people, on my birthday. it's one of those "special" birthdays too, which made the timing seem... again, "fitting" comes to mind. but, i needed to talk to B again, and did so on monday and we had a pretty good day, till the end. by then i wasn't much thinking about doing it.

and then there's today.

and in front of me i have a handful of pills; some oxycodone (percoset), some hydrocodone (vicodin). one of either, taken with a stiff drink or three, provides a really nice buzz. i looked up the warning info online... too much can lead to "respiratory depression"... hehe... in other words, you just stop breathing. probably long after you've fallen asleep though. it's funny - i'm not "scared" at all. the thought of leaving a mess here for others to clean up bothers me a little, just because it's putting them through an unpleasant task.

to be honest, i'm undecided. frankly, i don't see much difference in either course of action, except that staying on means dealing with the job situation, the money situation and more importantly, the start of a lifetime without B. so in many ways, the "easy way out" is really the easiest way out.

like i said, right now, i'm undecided. i think i'll take one and have a good stiff drink, then see where my thoughts take me. i'm pretty chicken, really, but i've never been more convinced of her conviction that she's done with me. i'd like to see my daughter get married and have kids someday... but i'll have to go through intolerable days, weeks, months and years without B in my life. and i'm not sure i can handle that.

so, we'll see.

what choice do i have?

2008-03-24T13:23:00.001-05:00

i don't stand a chance with her; of that i'm pretty sure. she's hurting terribly, her soul damaged, her heart empty and wounded. i did those things to her; -me-. her soulmate, the one who loved her, the one she loved.

she's steadfastly refusing to budge any. not allowing herself to feel anything of, toward or about me (and us) other than pain and hurt and betrayal. who can blame her?

and yet, i KNOW IN MY HEART that there still lives within her a spark of desire, an ember of hope and longing. i know it. what we had was too strong, despite the terrible hurts i did to her. it's there and i think she knows it. i think she trys to avoid looking at it or acknowlegeing that it's even there, but i see it. rather, i don't see it directly, but i see the faint light it gives off, brightening the walls around her heart. it's there in little things she says. sometimes in the way her voice sounds when she talks to me. now and then it's in a laugh, or when she lets down her guard a little and she lets slip something about us building a friendship again and then perhaps more. but whenever she catches herself slipping, she grabs the biggest stick she can find and beats that little squeak of hope until it's battered and bleeding again.

i've wondered if i should accept what i've done as insurmountable and accept that i've thrown away my future and our future and changed what she wanted for her life. i've wondered if it'd be better for her if i just disappeared, stopped reminding her of the hurt, let her continue healing as she was. but i can't. i just can't. what she and i had, could have again, is so unique that i can't walk away from it. as long as there's any hope that she might soften enough to give us a chance, i have to try. there is no other choice.

in judaism, there's a saying that's said between lovers, man and wife, often inscribed inside their wedding rings. I don't recall the hebrew, but it's translated as: "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine". while to her, "beloved" doesn't apply to me anymore, she is still my beloved. she is my beshert, my intended. how could i do anything else?

happy fucking birthday to me

2008-03-24T12:53:00.001-05:00

she took a three day weekend again, because of easter. g-d, was this a long weekend. i knew it would be bad, but when thursday evening already felt like days since she'd left, i knew it would be a tough one. while it wasn't a record amount of alcohol consumption and self abuse, it was in the top ten...

she was in early today. naturally, i "know" why that was.. i'm sure bf is out of town and she managed an early morning session with her lover. after all, they missed some get togethers last week, so there's time to make up for.

we started the day good. then, memories of what i did to her bubble up and reopen the wounds and she turns caustic towards me and withdraws. it's understandable and i expect it and know it's gonna happen and can see it coming... but there's no way to avoid it, or change it, or steer us away from the pain. so she pulls back, hard... slams the door, hard. the killer of it is that she lets out a little bit, a tiny message from deep inside to me about what to do, maybe a little about how she's feeling, inside. but then it's like she realizes she did that and has to overcompensate by digging down and pulling up the bile and tasting it again, exposing again what i did to her, how i hurt her.

and then she goes, signs off.

i write to her, she says trying to convince her. a reasonable description, but not my intent. i just try to talk to her, tell her how i see things, how i interpret her actions, mine, my thoughts, her thoughts. and all she sees is that i'm trying to convince her. she told me all through our relationship that i was trying to do that; i maintained all along that i was just laying out my position, my interpretation of things and just putting it out for her to understand. it never worked before; if i was trying to convince her, i never did a very good job of it before, why would she think that suddenly i believe i'd be able to influence her?

i get passionate when i talk to her about us. and quickly i move to seeing the whole picture, the big picture and wanting to just explain what i see to her. but she's having no more of that than she is of any of me. am i wrong for worrying that the longer she stands with her arms crossed and turning her face away from me, even though i think that she's doing it on purpose and that deep inside she really -wants- to open her arms, wants to turn toward us again. call me stupid, but i believe, i really do, that inside her injured heart she really wants to be "us" again, but that she's afraid, so scared that i'll hurt her again, something she could not take. something i could not stand to do again. would not do again.

look, i have no illusions that i "deserve" another chance, or that there's any justifiable reason, from her perspective, to try again. i try to tell her that i know what i've done, i know -all- that i've done to betray the trust and the love she had in me and in us.. i know it. and i know that, while i truly believe she still has a spark of desire inside, she needs to protect herself. but again, i do, truly truly do believe that there is love for me and us in her, trying to get out and that she's stopping it, afraid of what could happen if she were to let it out. i try to tell her that the longer she stomps that spark down, the longer she turns her back on it, the more she beats her heart up with the retelling of what i've done to her, the harder and harder it will be for her (us) to ever get beyond that again.

am i wrong? i tell her (okay, plead with her) that we should do it now. start getting past the pain now. talk, as much as possible. meet, for lunch, as much as possible. there's gonna be painful, hard conversations and visits, but good ones too. and the longer the pain is dragged out, held onto, the less likely she'll ever be able to see us again except through that veil of pain. we've gone back and forth with an analogy of a couple that's getting past infidelity and betrayal. and it's actually been a darn good one.... she's said that they don't just hop right back into being together as a couple, that they have to learn to be together again. i agreed, with one difference: they ARE together. the whole reason they're together working on it is that they have agreed on what the desired outcome is: to preserve the relationship, to build trust and love again and to stay together. we don't have that. we don't have that shared goal (well, -i- do, but she doesn't or won't admit to it). we don't have the luxury of the all day every day being together, where there's all kinds of interactions and moods during the day... lots of routine things, some good moments, some great moments, touching, being together, some bad moments, some crying and some pain and some contrition. we don't have those moments together, that time together. which is why i've told her that (i think) it's so important for us to start seeing each other, to start -acting- as though we are getting together, even if it is acting, for now. we need to have the opportunity to just -be-. to have those mundane moments, the routine moments. we need to have the opportunities to build more -good- time together so that when the hard moments come, and they will, we have more and more of a base of good to build on, to use to get us through the hard times.

but she's not interested.

so close and yet so far

2008-03-20T01:54:00.004-05:00

it turns out she was in my city, over the long weekend, for a trade show.

twelve miles away.

twelve. 65,000 feet, +/-. 15 to 20 minutes by car.

it might as well have been twelve million miles.

this is what i have done to her.

and by extension, to us.

self service set up, #525

2008-03-17T09:53:00.002-05:00

i don't know why i'm always taken aback, surprised...

and then i remember what's happened. and that she's married. and has a lover. and a life.

we end great (in my opinion, probably "fairly good" in an objective appraisal) on friday. i bemoaned her leaving early saying it was like a three day weekend and that made me :-( and she seemed to agree... (although i want to believe it was because it felt that way to her too, now that i think about it, she was probably saying she was sorry i would feel that way). she's with me in my thoughts all weekend; i wrote her a lot over the weekend.

woke up a little late coz i kept hitting the snooze and freaked because i thought i might have missed her signing in to chat.

um, no.

clearly she has more important things to do... whether take the day off, maybe spend it with her lover, maybe she's terribly busy at work... maybe she just has more important things to do, like counting paper clips... or maybe it's just a regular day for her and -i- just haven't occurred to her yet.

regardless, i've done it again.

and again. and again. and again.

A Waste of Lives (part 1)

2008-03-13T23:46:00.003-05:00

This will not be a happy tale. There is no surprise ending where everything works out in the end, no sudden twists of heretofore overlooked details that provide an easy solution to the problems encountered.

This will not be a happy tale, although there is much happiness along the way. Happiness and sadness, love and intimacy, elation and depression, betrayal and support. So for those of you clicking your way through the ether, looking for five or ten minutes of diversion before you get bored, let me save you a lot of time and I'll tell you how this ends.

The subject of this story (and it is a story not a tale, for this is a true telling) dies. He dies at his own hand, alone and unhappy, full of regret and sorrow, ashamed of his life, of his actions, of the trail of hurt and pain that he's left in his wake. He knows in his head and in his heart and in the very core of self that his life has been the catalyst for all the pain trailing behind him.

I am he. So there. You of short attention span can click on to something else, go find that next spellbinding reality show like "Real American Vagrants". For anyone else who may persist here for a while longer, let me warn you once again. This is not a story intended to entertain or to bemuse or to warm your heart with poignancy and a happy ending, for there is no happy ending. There is an ending; two actually. The main part of the story ends, ended, when my actions forced Tracie to remove herself from my life. The final end, the cleaning up of the last lingering dirty detail, is yet to come. That end coincides with my ending. My ending is that end. At that time, I will no longer be a threat to the happiness of anyone else. Sadly, my passing will not remove the hurts I have sown up to now.

From where I am now, not yet at the end of my life, but soon, I am already excruciatingly aware that my life has had no value. Perhaps that's not entirely true; my seed was required in order for my daughter, my lovely, bright, beautiful daughter to grace this world. And, I speculate, that along my twisted, sordid path, I may actually have provided support to a dear friend who was herself sick and hurting and alone and who by her own admission might have taken her own life during a particularly dark period if not for my support and friendship.

Playing my part to bring the gift of my daughter, who we'll call Amy, into the world will undoubtedly rank as the only achievement of any value that I was ever able to call my own but we must, in truth, admit that the providing of biological material was really the only part of her existence that was uniquely me. Her upbringing and education could have as easily been shaped by another man, perhaps even with better results.

The other "accomplishment", for lack of a better word, in my life that stands with any value is the role I may have played with a friend that I met late in life. Beth was weakened with an unknown and debilitating illness of varying symptoms which prevented her from continuing in what had been a promising and accomplished career, sometimes prevented her from climbing the steps and occasionally even made breathing difficult. When I met her she was already over a year into it and slowly declining. She was indeed in a dark place. We hit it off immediately and spent much of the next year and a half together. She helped me adjust to a newly single life as much as I may have helped her to continue on. By the time we finally parted ways, she had told me several times that she treasured our friendship and thanked me for it, admitting that without it, she wasn't sure she'd have had the strength to stay alive through the dark times.

Now you have to admit that's a pretty short list of accomplishments for nearly fifty years of life. Sadly, the list of actions for which I'm ashamed is significantly longer.

There are many shames and regrets in my life. An ongoing, on again/off again poor relationship with my mother, no relationship with my father, an early marriage and divorce, a long marriage of nearly twenty years to Rhianna and finally, a love and a life found then lost with the woman I was destined to spend the rest of my life with, Tracie. Each of those black marks in my lifes' record of actions deserves a chapter devoted to them alone. If there is time, I will write about each of them in turn, for they each deserve more for having endured my passage through their life than passing mention.

Tracie especially deserves more; deserved much more than she ever got from me. To be honest, this story is about her. She is, was, the nexus of my life, the intended destination of all the years of my life that lead up to meeting her. To really understand who Tracie was to me, which frankly I don't expect to be able to adequately convey no matter how much I write, for no matter how long, you need to be able to hold one thing that I will tell you as the unequivocal truth: I loved her, and moreover, I knew that I loved her and I knew that I would eventually spend my life with her from within days of the time we first talked. It may have been fifteen days or twenty six days, I'm not sure exactly when I knew, but I knew, quickly.

A sidenote here: if you cannot accept that as fact, as a fact of my life and my experience then you will not ever be able to understand who Tracie is to me. And if you cannot accept that I knew that she and I were destined to be together from almost the very beginning of our relationship, then you may as well stop reading now because the rest of this will not make any sense to you. If you cannot accept as fact the love and the destiny that I immediately knew was to be ours, then the telling of our story, of the trials, the troubles, the joys, the love and the ultimate betrayal of her and our love by me will not hold a fraction of the significance that they should. Unless you can truly understand the depth and the intimacy of the relationship that Tracie and I shared you will not be able to really grasp the depth and the extent of my betrayal of her and us. And unless you can accept and believe and understand the love we shared, then you cannot even begin to grasp the pain and the hurt and the injury to her very soul that I did to her. The betrayal of her, of all that I loved, which will soon lead to my end.

As of this writing, she and I still have a relationship, of sorts. In her words, we're "superficial friends". I'm not sure why she still allows this relationship, even at this level, but I don't question it, for to question it would be to make her reexamine it and look more closely at it and that would surely make her decide to kill it for good. That relationship, superficial as she may think it is, is what keeps me here and able to write these words. I feel I need to put these things down, soon, because I fear that the day quickly approaches when she will finally be tired of even this relationship. When that day does arrive, there will be nothing to keep me here any longer, and I will write as much of this sorry tale as I can before the emptiness and the pain, the sorrow and the shame, move me to action.

I must admit that part of the reason I feel the need to write this is as an act of penance, of contrition. I feel the need to admit, publicly, the hurtful things I have done and the shame and regret I have for all those things. But to be honest, there is another reason. I have a partly formed plan that after I have finally left, this will be delivered to her in some form. Not as punishment, G-d no, for she has suffered more than enough at my hand already. Rather, I hope this would serve as some apology, some explanation to her of how I really felt and maybe why things happened as they happened. I want her to know that through all the years of ups and downs of our special relationship, I never resented anything she did or didn't do. And to be completely honest, I hold some hope that someday, after the pain and hurt in her heart have diminished, that she may read this and think back on our time together, perhaps even fondly, and know that my love for her was true and real and deep, just as she thought it to be, before my betrayal. It's partly a selfish motivation, I know, the desire to be remembered not as a cad and a hurtful person but rather as someone worthy of her love, but in truth, that is how I pictured myself. Her friendship, given freely and without reservation, was the light of my life. Her love, given absolutely and without limit, was the light of my soul.

To think that I could destroy those precious gifts, so haphazardly and so casually, the very gifts that I had sought and pursued and nurtured from her for so many years, is beyond understanding. But the sins to be laid out here before you did happen; I did them. I'm not proud of them, by a long shot. The doing of these things destroyed the very life and the love that I sought with her. But I did them and I accept responsibility. If only bearing that weight could remove the hurts from her heart and from her soul then I could go so much more easily.

as sure as death and taxes

2008-03-13T17:05:00.002-05:00

again. and again. and again.

she continues to hammer into me that she has no desire for anything with me. that there is no possibility of a change on her part. no parole, no pardon. no interest.

"no thanks"

and she laughs about it. as though the very notion that i could even -think- she might want me again is ludicrous. and maybe it is, but not to me. i know what's in my heart for her. i know that she is my future. or should be. she's clearly chosen to make sure that never happens.

i understand, kind of. but if she were to feel something again, and know that the love that's underneath it for her is real and true and that the future that we could share -is- what she wanted, what we wanted and could still have, then why, -HOW- could she consciously, methodically crush each feeling? why couldn't she want it again, once she felt some twinge of it?

when i couldn't understand, a year or two ago, why she couldn't, wouldn't see me and i was sure that she never would see me, i thought that that was the lowest low i could ever experience. it was devastating, desolate. and yet she can sink me far, far past that now with just a few words, casually uttered as though no more than a "have a good night" and followed by a slight laugh. these times are as black and bleak and utterly devoid of hope as one could imagine. these times are to what i thought was the darkest possible as utter black is to the whitest white. the difference in magnitude is so stunning, it's indescribeable. and it scares me because the mind seems to have no limit on how depressed it can get. the body or the conscious usually being the weakest link and succumbing to the need to end the pain far before the mind has reached the limit of how deep it can sink.

all of which chills me to the bone as i start to get some inkling of the pain she's described to me.

the pain and the darkness that i brought on to her, that i put into her heart. the pain and the hurt that makes her not want anything to do with me, even though the possibility of the best and the brightest of "us" is still ahead.

so she'll live her life, "settling" she says. settling for a well off life, with her lover/master on the side. and a possible family. and carrying a pain in her that will subside over time. and perhaps someday, a year or five or ten or 30 from now, she might have a fleeting memory of a love she once remembered and wish that maybe she had given just one more chance.

but i'll be long dead.

so much changes, so quickly. yesterday and today were good days in the job search. yesterday was rocky with her but still okay. today was good for most of the day. and then, revenge, retribution. a few days ago, or last week, i wasn't sure i would see another New Years'. the last couple days that seemed like such a crazy thought, because it began to feel that there just might be a possibility of more with B again.

it's thursday. friday is a long way away. and friday's with B are short, because she leaves early to spend the afternoon with her lover.

i don't think about whether or not there'll be another new years.

i wonder about monday.

i don't have the strength she does. she's lived through the worst that one human could ever do to another, emotionally. i don't know 1% of it and i know that i cannot make it.

her rejection, which for so long i feared was real, now is real. and final.

and i cannot live with that. or without her.

so i won't.

as the world turns

2008-03-13T15:06:00.005-05:00

i don't know; i just don't.

she has no time to read. can she be seeing her lover that much? or be so busy at home (or going out) that finding a little time to read is impossible? (i don't think girls read in the bathroom!) for me, it's such a pleasurable thing, an escape from the world that no matter how ready i am for bed, a few mins is enjoyed. but then, i also always feel that she's doing it too and that we'll be able to talk about it the next day. or is it because -i'm- reading too and she doesn't want to have any of that kind of connection? or maybe she is reading and not telling me? i doubt that because she'd just say "i don't want to read with you". i have a feeling she's avoiding it simply -because- she knows i'm reading too. and what a crime if i've spoiled her love of reading on top of everything else.

she has been sick though. and then gets upset with me because i'm concerned. i know it's because she's thinking i didn't want to be with her so why should i concern myself now. she must know that's not the truth.

and she tells me about a dream she just had, with me in it. those dreams used to be erotic, loving type of dreams. not so much anymore. not so much as in never, no way, not the slightest possibility. as much as i'd like to think it's a good thing that i'm in her dreams, after hearing the dream i'm not sure. in the dream, she was avoiding me. she kept walking away from me, wouldn't turn when i touched her shoulder, wouldn't answer when i said her name. she was soaking wet a lot of the time too, she said from rain or being splashed. to me, she was wet from the tears she cried because of what i did. then, she was going in and out of rooms in a three story building. three story, obvious - three men. bf, her lover and me. she'd go into a room and i'd soon follow her there, whereupon she'd leave again to get away from me. ya don't gotta be a genius to figure out what that means.

everything i do is wrong. no matter what. all i remind her of is betrayal and hurt and pain.

i wonder if i'll EVER be able to rise above that, if she'll ever be able to see -me- again?

what a day

2008-03-12T14:06:00.002-05:00

well, this was just a fucking -banner- day.

i pissed off B before ever talking to her or chatting with her with things i wrote to her last night. she had an early and lengthy lunch appointment. she couldn't or didn't want to chat much or talk much the rest of the day.

and she's leaving early. three guesses why.

another sign

2008-03-11T15:16:00.003-05:00

as if the yellow Road Out Ahead signs dotting the highway for the last ten miles aren't enough... as if the wooden barricade placed across the road isn't enough... as if the huge pile of dirt blocking the road isn't enough...

as if each of these signs isn't fucking concrete enough proof that the road is not passable ahead, so too she's given me plenty of signs....

me: can you talk for awhile?
B: no, he's [her lover/master] here to fuck me

me: can we talk over lunch?
B: no i'm seeing him

me: can i come see you, just have lunch with you?
B: no, i can't stand the thought of even seeing you.

me: baby, i swear, we can have our future again.
B: no, you killed those parts of me. there's no recovering from that

me: but love, please, we can find our way, together
B: no, that's not possible

any reasonable man would be able to figure out what she means, no?

not me apparantly. but then, no reasonable man would ever, EVER have done what i did to her. no reasonable man would EVER have not bolted to her the second she said "come see me".

this, however, shakes me to the core. this could possibly do it.

we'd talked about, after getting together, whether kids would be in the future and decided no, they wouldn't be. there's a number of reasons. for myself, primarily selfish ones. if B and i were to get together, i figure we'd have 20 years together, maybe 25. and, selfishly, i want her to myself, don't want to share her with a family. i wanted her and i, -us-, to have a lifetime of enjoying each other, of doing what -we- wanted to do without the obligations of raising a family. and she was okay with that.

now she's thinking about getting pregnant.

"why not" she says. "i had two life paths in front of me and the one i wanted is gone, leaving this one."

why not?

has there ever been a shorter, more succinct death sentence?

the timing is always so great too. this morning i started writing something to her, that she may have chosen not to read, when it finally got sent, which now there's clearly no point. i wanted to write her and describe in detail where i thought we'd have been right now (that might have been enough to keep her from wanting to read it), and more importantly, how i thought our lives might have been. but the most important part? i wanted to describe for her how i thought we could go on from where we are, right now, today. the hurdles we have to face, some ways we might get past them, what feelings we may be having, what hopes we might feel building inside. maybe she'd have been able to see these things, feel them, hope for them.

instead she's thinking about getting pregnant.

i must be really -thick-

2008-03-11T14:57:00.004-05:00

she's just told me again, for the twelve hundreth time that she has no interest in seeing if we could ever be an -us- again.

i must be thick as a brick.

i read this in a book:

... random reinforcement. put three groups of rats in separate cages, each with a bar. The first group gets a pellet of food every time they press the bar. The second group never gets pellets, no matter how often they push the bar. The third group gets pellets just once in a while.

The first and second group will get bored with the bar. The third group will press the bar forever, hoping each time that they'll get lucky.

I'm in the third group. I'm the rat (in more ways than one) and she's the reward. and even though she tells me that there will NEVER be another reward, never ever be another chance, i just keep pushing on the bar, hoping for the reward.

like i said... thick as a fucking brick.

but, the REWARD!!! she's worth it.

if only she thought i was.

tuesdays. not ruby tuesday, either

2008-03-11T11:54:00.007-05:00

it's tuesday. which means she has a lunch "date". (okay if not today, then tomorrow).

hardly a traditional date though. this date is for a single purpose. he's lunch, she serves.

my heart pounds just with the thought of it. -i- did this; -i- put us her, put her there. with him.

i die. he cums. she cums. if not at lunch, most certainly during the evening session.

my own private hell.

one she says she knows well, from the shit i've done to her. she says she can't get the images of me and the other woman out of her head. i understand, completely. and as always, too little, too late.

but the library isn't being added to three days a week. for the rest of her life.

fuck. i'm such a jackass.

B, my love, my intended, my beschert, i'm so sorry.

so sorry.

you may not be living your dream life, but you're happy enough... you say.

g-d i miss you.

on second thought

2008-03-11T10:48:00.004-05:00

i had a little medical emergency yesterday. it was little, hardly an emergency, but i did have to go to the ER. while the problem wasn't life threatening, left untreated it could have become so. being just a -little- prone to worry and projecting problems into the future and growing them in my head, i was of course aware of the possibility. as i was in the er, i was thinking "i could lose my life". this of course, like just about anything else that happens in my day made me think of B.

WHAM. WHAMWHAMWHAMFUCKINGWHAM.

the phrase that kept echoing in my mind (think of the final scene of "The Aviator") was "i've lost my wife" (meaning not my ex, but my B). and yes, i meant my -wife- not my life. over and over and over and over. hitting me harder and harder each time it echoed, each time revealing more and more the awful truth that I DID THIS TO US. i've lost my wife. we wouldn't have been married yet, of that i'm sure; it'd have been too soon. but, we'd have had our private commitment ceremony, just the two of us. we'd probably be living together TODAY. and no doubt, because we talked about it before, we'd be living toward the day when we would get married.

i've lost my wife.

she's right ->there<- i just can't seem to reach her. i feel her heart beating, but when it turns to me it's bruised and battered; by me. i did that to her.

definitely back on the roller coaster of emotional upheaval/distress/whatever. when i woke up this morning i felt.. better. i knew she wouldn't call me to wake me (got to bed really late and asked her to call me if i wasn't up and online by the time she was), coz that'd show... dunno; something she can't/doesn't wanna show toward me.

but i felt better going to sleep and when i woke. and contrary to what i said here yesterday, i thought maybe getting to and through another weekend was possible, likely even.

yeah.

tears of a clown

2008-03-10T14:24:00.004-05:00

man, i am some piece of work.

i am so close to breaking. i've had it. i can't take another disappointment, another let down, another realization that -i- am my own worst enemy.

i can't stand seeing constant reminders that she's happy now, that she has her life.

that it was -me- that made me not a part of her life. and not someone she cares for anymore.

instead of being exactly where i wanted to be right now, today... i'm -here-. which is nowhere. running down this extremely steep path, gathering speed as i go... i look back and see her... there's a tear in her eye (i think it's a tear.. maybe it's just a speck of dust).. i think, or at least i want (desperately want) to believe that she does or could still want me... but .....

yes, i'm a drama queen. and an asshole and many other things, none of them very worthwhile (just ask her). but fuck it, it's how i feel right now... remember the monty python skits that always had the 16 ton weight falling on somebody?

it's sitting squarely on my chest. punishment for what i've done, to her, to us. to me. my heart pounds, it's hard to breathe. my eyes constantly fill with pain. how could i have done this? i don't understand. i don't.

i so wanted to see my daughter graduate college, get married, have kids. i very much wanted to retire with B and travel. we had such great plans.

i so much wanted to hold B in my arms, tell her how much i love her... feel her heart beat with mine... see her look in my eyes... hear her tell me she loves me... i wanted to read to her, stroke her head as she sleeps on my lap...

i'd give anything to see her again.

i don't think i'll see another new years. not sure about the weekend, either.

well, at least it helped for the weekend

2008-03-10T11:47:00.004-05:00

after our conversations on friday, and some unexpectedly ?positive? email, i was apprehensive and yet... felt supported or uplifted somehow, about going into the weekend. i had to move this weekend, yet another step on the life path that i fucked up last year. more and more painful reminders of how i had EVERYTHING i wanted almost right in the palm of my hand - and i lost it.

but still, thoughts of her and her words were with me, kept me positive (as positive as i've been able to be lately). i reread our chats and emails several times, both trying to discern exactly what she was saying (-was- it positive, or was i just imagining it to be so?), drawing some comfort from them, and wondering if in fact i was just deluding myself.

and then, monday.

and it's like bam, bam, bam.

i actually had the audacity to think that, after friday, she'd be ?eager? to get back in touch. BAM.

we'd talked about reading over the weekend, which i did, loving every minute, even trying to do it when i speculated she might be doing it. BAM. that she said she wanted to, intended to points out how good her life must be these days. BAM. probably bf was out of town over the weekend and she spent it with her lover. BAM BAM BAM.

all weekend i sent her thoughts, comments, things to talk about when we talked. BAM

how can i blame her though? look what i did to her. and to us.

i feel like all that's happening in my life right now is some cosmic karmic retribution for what i did to her. there's no action on the job search. my taxes for last year, alimony, child support and amex bill will wipe out my bank account by the middle of april at the latest. the cash i have on hand might carry me another six weeks. after that? bankruptcy. telling the ex that i can no longer pay her. my daughter is over 18 and in college, so the child support was voluntary on my part; not that i want to stop, and i'd continue aiding her as much as possible. oh, and let's not forget that my career niche is fading away and i don't have the money to pay to cross train into something else and even if i did, starting in something new wouldn't earn me what i need to pay alimony -and- eat. oh, and did i mention the foreclosure last year and the shortfall judgment that is waiting on the horizon?

well, at least my estate will pay a few more years of alimony. lucky her.

and in the time i have left, B has already said she has no desire to see me.

have a great day everybody!

another end

2008-03-07T09:10:00.000-06:00

another ending today - the end of talk between B and i for the week.

she'll end her work day by seeing her lover for a lengthy session of sex before going home to her husband. there, she'll have a weekend of her life. they'll go out, or stay in. perhaps attend a sporting event. or go to her favorite swing club. she may go to a favorite scenic location one morning for a run - or to meet her lover.

i'll end my day much later and with not nearly as much fun. my day will end wondering where B is, what she's doing. i'll already have sliced my soul to shreds, again, knowing that she's already finished with her lover. and then? the interminably long hours, minutes, seconds until sometime monday morning when, hopefully, she'll reappear in my world.

in just a few short hours, she'll say "i have to go" or "he's here", both meaning it's time for her to serve him. just thinking of those words i start to break down. hearing them completely destroys me.

at one time, she wanted me. while i'd love to have her want to be -mine- in that way again, what i want, wish for, need... is her affection, her love.

what has happened to me?

2008-03-06T13:35:00.001-06:00

lunch was our time. we always had an hour or so to spend together. she might be driving or running errands or tanning, but she always took me with her. like i said, it was -our- time.

there is no -our- any more. or an -us-. or a -we-. i killed that.

now she spends lunch sucking or fucking her lover. and that lover isn't me. should have been, could have been, but for me.

i wonder if they have a rented place they go to? or is it in her car or his? surely hotels several times a week would be too expensive, a needless waste of money. does she take him to her house? i doubt it because even if she has permission to play with him, sometimes bf works there and it's too long of a drive to have any play time. i know that ofttimes after work he comes to her office and takes her there. does she go to his office, close the door, get under his desk? more than likely it's a combination of all of these things.

i did this to her, made her life so that she has him to fuck, not me; him to love, not me. him to spend her mornings, lunches, afternoons and evenings with, not me.

why can't i undo it? because she's happy with what she has now, doesn't -want- to undo it, doesn't -want- to look my way, our way again and find -us-.

i have held the future, the very future that i wanted, the one that i knew i was destined to have from the moment i met her, in my hands. and i fumbled it. i've picked it up again, but she no longer wants any part of it. or of me.

and i have held the merchants of death that reside in my garage, securely locked away (for now) in my hand. and i've wondered: could i do it? do i have the strength, the mere six pounds or so of pressure required? am i that much of a coward? and if i did, would she miss me? would she even care, personally? or would it just be the same sadness that she might sometimes feel for the life that -we've- lost?

and then i wonder... a long time ago, she said some of the things she liked about me were my strength, my independence, my ability to be on my own. what happened to that guy? when did i become no longer him? when did i lose -everything- that she once liked about me?

what has happened to me?

her new love

2008-03-06T09:51:00.003-06:00

i can't even say how much it makes me happy that B (g-d how i wish i could still say "my B") and her new dog found each other.

when i talk to B, it's SO OBVIOUS how much love she has for the new dog.

B is a pretty firm believer that everything happens for a reason. without me fucking up our future, B and the dog might not have found each other. is it possible that B and i lost our future (okay, to be honest, i fucked up our future) so that B and the dog could find each other?

am i, my life, whatever value i may have as a person, a friend, a lover, a partner so -little-, so miniscule, so insignificant that g-d saw fit to trade me out of B's life for a dog?

was it a good trade? the dog got B, B got her... and the dog will NEVER, ever hurt her.

which is more than anyone can say about me.

my life just gets better and better

2008-03-05T13:02:00.000-06:00

some things you just shouldn't know.

and to think, it's all because of my actions.

the lover that she met because of me, that has taken my place in her life... she's managed to somehow integrate him into her real life. at the very least he and bf have met, if not being drinking buddies and having threesomes.

bf is out of town more than ever and she may have implicit or even explicit permission to play.

what was that movie, where the perpetually upbeat guy gets shot by the Germans, just -minutes- before the Allies arrive? wasn't it "It's a Beautiful Life"?

indeed. except in my version of the movie, i play both the Germans and the idiot who gets himself killed. my actions are the Germans and the life i wanted plays the guy who gets killed. and i, myself, get to play his kid - i get to watch the whole thing unfold. and like the kid undoubtedly was, i get plagued by nightmares of it, get the exquisite pain of watching it play over and over in my head, unable to to make any changes.

and if i'm not mistaken, didnt' the lead actor (Bellini?) get awards for his work? g-d knows i should get some for the amazing job i did.

my B has a new love!

2008-03-05T11:20:00.004-06:00

she has a new love in her life, another new love...

a new dog!

she's been without one since her's passed away over a year ago. that was a huge loss for her and a huge empty spot in her heart. (huh - i wonder why she never realized how much love she was capable of having and giving when she has always been aware of how much she loves dogs).

but now that empty spot has been filled. and not just filled by bringing a dog back into her house, but changing a dog's life from neglected to filled with love - a double dose of charity and love.

i'm SO happy for her. since she lost the last one, i've brought up to her a few times that she should find another, but she was always against it, saying she didn't want to lose the memory of the other. the circumstances of this adoption were perfect for her - i think she knew immediately that this dog and her were going to be together. it's perfect for her and perfect for the dog. the dog will know love and care and devotion without limits. the new addition to her family is young, so they should be together for a good ten years.

when B told me about the dog yesterday, it filled me with joy and happiness for her, kept me company and smiling all night. still does and she even shared some pictures with me today. it truly makes my heart smile for her.

on the "me" side? i can only analyze it as being bad for me or any chance at "us" again. she's got it all now, the true american dream life. husband, lover/Master on the side, nice house, more than enough money, the dog, nice car, her own business (at least one that I know of, probably 2 others that i only guess about), beauty, intelligence. nothing lacking (other than what she and i wanted to share and i'm not sure that's important to her anymore). less reason than ever to change what she has.

almost perfect symmetry: she has it all, i have almost nothing. no job, no "home", no chance to have a dog, no local friends, an ex to support (with no income and dwindling savings), a foreclosure just complete (not coz i'm a financial scumbag, because i made bad decisions about a scumbag partner) and a judgement on the horizon. and i need dental work.

another plea for help

2008-03-04T13:48:00.002-06:00

i've asked before, got no response, but i'll ask again...

if anyone reads this, please, please give me some ideas on what to do, on how i might try to win her back.

anything.

please help.

nothing

2008-03-04T13:37:00.002-06:00

just nothing. there's so much i feel i need to say, although i can't gather my thoughts enough to make words, can't get anything to come out.

she is so dead set against me, us, against even the possibility of an us again.

that part of her is dead, she says, killed by me. turned into stone. i try to tell her that i understand what she's saying but that i -know- her and i know (we both know) the endless capacity she has for love and that given the chance, we could start over, know each other again, build our friendship and our relationship and then our love once again. but she's having none of it.

she's having none of me. wants nothing of or from me. wants nothing to do with "us".

she's happy with her new/old husband, happy with her Master, happy in her life.

happy without me.

which leaves me with nothing.

no B. no friend in B, no lover in B, no partner in B.

nothing.

we get what we deserve.

dead man walking

2008-03-03T15:16:00.000-06:00

i don't stand a chance, which means that -we- don't stand a chance. she'll go on, as strong as ever, of course.

but she cannot, will not, even admit the possibility of there ever being an "us" again.

i'm confused. not because of the reason - that's abundantly clear to me, has been made abundantly clear to me many times. i hurt her, fucked her over, crushed her... as she says "a large part of my soul is gone, smashed".

she thinks she was tricked by me, that what we had was not real. she says that based on my actions and an outside observer could easily come to the same conclusion. but that's not the whole story. it doesn't take into account the 4 years i spent alone, without her, waiting and hoping and never knowing (until right at the end) when or IF she'd ever choose to be with me. ultimately i still bear the blame and the fault, i accept that. but it feels like i should at least be able to plead "no contest" or "guilty with explanation".

i try and try and try to get her to agree to just seeing what happens. to please just let me back into her life, to not forget, not even to forgive now, but just to see where we could be, how we could grow together again. she can't. or won't.

i'm confused. if she has no intention of letting me back into her life, her heart, then why does she talk to me at all? i'd say that perhaps she's "setting me up" for a revengeful kick later, but a) that's not how she is, and b) then why wouldn't she appear to take me back with open arms, the better to shatter -me- later? again, that kind of action is just not something i think she'd do; she's far better than that.

the only other explanation that i can think of, which itself doesn't really make a lot of sense, knowing her, is that she's doing it for herself. that she's talking to me now only until -she- gets something she needs from it, at which point she'll stop taking my calls, stop answering emails, stop chatting altogether. but again, that possibility doesn't fit with the B that i know. she's
told me many times how talking to me again has dragged up hurt and anger that she had managed to mostly get past, to bury. make no mistake about the strength of her character, her will. if she says she had dealt with it, it was dealt with. talking to me again has been almost a set back for her. so why do it? looking back on the conversations we've had over the last 2 months, i don't see what ?closure? she could be getting from talking again.

maybe one other possibility is again, revenge. maybe she thinks to keep me hanging on, knowing how desperately i want her, need her. keep me hanging on, perpetually hoping that she'll take another chance on -us-, on me. you could say that maybe she's getting satisfaction out of knowing the pain that i'm in, knowing that i keep hoping every day, only to have my hopes dashed every day. and she knows full well that she could keep me here in limbo for a long time... years. i held on and chased her for four years without even knowing exactly what could be; now that i do know, i'm sure she knows that i'll pursue her even harder. but again - that simply is NOT the B that i know and love.

so why?

i'm a dreamer and i'm in love with her, so it's hard for me to not say that perhaps she knows or feels that, given time, perhaps she would want to try again. just to keep my sanity (and my life) i -have- to believe that, don't i? yet at the same time, i think that, even given her level of pain and hurt, that she'd know inside that if there's a chance for us, then make that chance happen, that waiting only lets her harden herself more, puts more time between us. if she holds a tiny spark of hope, then knowing her, i'd think she'd want to move toward that, if for no other reason than to prove herself wrong.

so i'm confused. and hurting, for her, for us, for me. for all we've lost.

and the stone in my chest threatens to drag me under and under and under until i don't have the strength anymore to hope. and on the day that she convinces me that she really is not going to give us another chance, that will be the day of my death sentence. and i'll be a dead man walking until i finally have the courage to end it myself.

but for now i cry, here, now, this minute. i cry because i've caused the woman i love more than anything else in this world so much pain that she can't bear the thought of being with me. i cry because i've caused us both to lose out on what could've been a most wonderful life time of love, friendship and intimacy. and i cry for me because i did it.

2008-03-02T20:08:00.002-06:00

the other day i read somewhere that "...there's a certain comfort in familiar misery..."

B, my beloved B, has said it to me. but, i don't -want- to be miserable. i really don't. never mind that i'm EXTRA miserable now, knowing that, had I followed my heart, B and I would be together, RIGHT NOW. she wouldn't be married, wouldn't be fucking her Master on the side, wouldn't be refusing to see me.

in fact, we'd probably be living together, this very day. sharing the moments that we both waited so long to be able to share... before i fucked up.

way back, during the years leading up to ... now... i thought evenings when she went home to bf were hard.. and the weekends were unbearable... especially when I knew she was seeing her Master...

fuck. i'd do anything to have -that- level of pain back.. because this is... orders of magnitude beyond pain, beyond unbearable...

she's all i think of... all night, all day... is she there? does she -ever- think about me? does she wish for me at all? ever long for -us- again? does she, in some remote, tiny part of her heart, hold out a tiny hope that we could be, again?

g-d, please, i beg you... let me wake up from this nightmare...

back, but not here

2008-02-29T10:00:00.000-06:00

it still amazes me how easily we can fool ourselves into thinking something.

she got back yesterday. she even initiated conversation. we talked a little, chatted a little. she had to leave to go be with her lover. it seemed as though we'd be talking today.

i keep thinking that she -wants- to talk, wants to continue talking.... yet today.... no word, hours after she's at work. she doesn't call. doesn't respond to emails.

so i wait. and wait. and wait. my heart sinking as each minute, each hour passes. only a couple more hours before she leaves for the day and the weekend. and she's leaving early today so she can spend more hours with her lover.

i wait.