It's a beautiful life

WARNING: if you're looking for daisies, puppies and feel good crap, you ain't gonna find it here. move along.

Remember that foreign film "It's a Beautiful Life" a few years ago? A guy gets caught up in the chaos of Nazi occupied France (I think, location not important) and despite all the terrible things that happen to him, he never loses his optimism and love of life. In a cosmically ironic ending, he's killed by the last retreating Nazi just moments before help arrives.

I'm not that positive.

Now -THIS- is a beautiful life. Oh, and I'm gonna bitch and moan about how my life sucks. I really don't want to hear how bad your life is, I want to bitch about mine. You don't wanna hear, great; click the Home button now. I don't want to get into a pissing contest. I don't want you trying to show me that it's really not so bad, because "you have your health" (I don't), "you have friends" (I don't), "you have a great job" (I don't) or any of the usual platitudes and bullshit, okay? I WANT TO BITCH.

if you don't like it? fuck off.

now that I think about it, I'm just going to give details of -this week-. If you can read all the way through it and can think of any reason I shouldn't put a fucking bullet in my brain, feel free to leave a comment.

okay.. let's see. there's so much to detail, where do I start? maybe I'll just go chronologically, starting last sunday.

sunday i worked. i'd hoped to resolve the last few bugs in the application i'm working on so the testing could resume and we could deploy the app on schedule. sunday didn't go well. sunday was also probably the best day of the week. by the way, sunday was my 48th straight day of work.

starting monday morning, my blood sugar (i'm borderline diabetic) started soaring from its normal level of about 130 up to as high as 250. i've NEVER had a 250 reading in the 9 months since I was diagnosed. since monday, it's ranged between 175 and 245. no change in diet, no change in meds, no change in anything except about a 1000% boost in overall stress level.

my ex called me. that in itself isn't a -bad- thing, but it's usually a call for more money. not this time. i got a summons delivered to her house. i'm being sued for about $200k over a bad real estate deal from ten years ago, when a "partner" decided he needed a fall guy and i fit the bill. btw, this thing has been hanging like the sword of damocles for a few years now. just at the end of last year it looked like they weren't going to pursue it and i'd started to relax. what the fuck was i thinking?

the flusher handle on my toilet broke. home depot is kinda outta the way so i figured the next time i got there i'd buy one and in the meantime, i lift the lid and pull the chain. inconvenient, but no biggie. one night, in a hurry, i didn't pay attention and the chain got caught under the flapper (hehe, the flapper in the crapper) and kept running. my landlady heard it, zoomed into -my- bathroom and saw the problem and got all FUCKING PISSY about it. no big deal, say i, next time i get to hd, i'll replace it, give you the $6 receipt and all's well in shitterville. not so much. she texted me saying "I took care of the problem". um, okay, fine. except, and pardon me while i chuckle a moment, the one she bought and tried to put on herself didn't fit. sometimes it's the little things in life, ya know?

my beloved and i had a week of fights. wednesday bf "needed" her to do something for him so she left work early; no talk time. thursday, after suffering through my negativity and non-understanding, she decided she'd had enough and -chose- to leave without talking. instead she called hubby to meet her and they went out drinking. i imagine there was a lot more than drinking going on. but, wtf, it's about time she started living her life again.

last night, talking with landlady again, i asked how her daughter was doing in her semester abroad and when she was coming back to the states. "oh, by the way" she says. "she's going to live here when she gets back, so you got 30 days to move out". for real?

i play poker twice a week in a very low key, low stakes ($5 buy in) tournament style game. it's really more of an excuse to get away from the real world than to play "good" poker. well, now we got an asshole who i just cannot tolerate. sometimes there are people with whom you simply cannot make a connection of any kind. he's one of 'em. last night pretty much proved it to me. so, this saturday, which btw is the one year anniversary of our poker group, will be my last night. i will miss them very much.

yesterday B told me that she's pretty much done. not in so many words, but she's about had it up to -here- with me. i guess i don't blame her and i can see her point - i'm negative and constantly "kicking" her. she's right. i do that. but i do that because i don't understand why, after 14 months of "trying to get back together" we're no closer to that goal. i don't understand why she won't leave the situation that she doesn't want to be in, that makes her depressed and unable to come to me. well, duh? isn't -that- obviously a catch 22? our only visit in a year, last september, went poorly. i got angry because when i tried to get within 20' of her, she bolted. we're both over 40 years old; aren't we big enough to just do whatever needs to be done? i don't get it. but that, apparently, is the major reason she's about to kill us.

and today's friday. know what that means? only three more work days til monday. oh joy.

i have no idea whether or not i'l hear from her today. knowing her as i do, i expect she'll at least pop in and say hi and bye. there'll be some reason she can't stay and talk this afternoon like we usually do. and then she'll be off to pick up her life again. and trust me, by monday, she could be waaaaay back into it. by tonight she could have her standing threesome back in action and by sunday she could have had her first gang bang in over a year. whatever she chooses to do, i just want her to find happiness. the happiness that i thought would come with being together with me.

it's not the first time i've been way wrong. probably won't be the last.

oh, i forgot! i left the game early last night, got food, went home. the landlady was painting the inside of the door to the garage (yeah, at 945 at night) and i couldn't even get a beer to have with my food. fuck, really?

i know that some of you people out there with great lives will say "oh, it's not so bad", "it'll get better", "there's always a silver lining". gimme a fucking break. this shit is just what's happened THIS WEEK. do you fucking get that? THIS WEEK.

it's a beautiful life, no?

It's back and it's "GTC" - Good Till Canceled

I might be wrong, but I think GTC is a stock broker term for a buy/sell order that's left as a standing order until the buyer cancels it. In other words, it's in effect until further notice.

If only this were a stock trade....

Much to my dismay, her "No Way - 60 Days" order is back in force.

and she wonders why I'm depressed and angry and stressed

a roller coaster ride

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