betcha thought i was dead, huh? or that my life had suddenly become everything i've always wanted and the bliss and happiness that pervades my days just completely eliminated the need to wail my self-pity from the middle of the street? or that maybe the overwhelming and inescapable truth of what i've been trying to tell her for so many years finally became unmistakeably clear to her and she came running to me with open arms?

yeah. not so much.

last time i was here was the end of october. she had told me that, beyond any shadow off a doubt, that there was absolutely no way in hell she would leave bf to be with me in the next 60 days.

so i had to hunker down and steel myself to continuing to be alone at least through the end of the year.

".. absolutely no way ..."

november was tough. very, very tough. by the end of november, i could feel the isolation starting to lighten and see faint glimpses of the future [we've] sought for so long.

and then there was december.

hitting the half-way point of the 60 days felt like cresting the hill and starting down the other side. i was looking forward to her opening up and starting to talk about the things we needed to do before being together.

except, it was december.

she was sick for several days. came in late or left early, or both, additional days. bf decided to have lunch with her, last minute, a couple times. she had an office party. her evening class got bumped up an hour at least once. between her being sick and the holidays, we didn't get a single 5 day week in december. i don't believe there was a single day that we got our "normal" amount of time together. every weekend was a 3-5 day weekend. with no contact. if in a regular month we have, say 60 hours that we can talk (beyond the 5 minute phone calls occasionally during the day) then I'd say in december we had -maybe- 30 hours.

ok, so becoming more hopeful during december clearly wasn't in the cards. but even so, i still knew that the no-way 60 day period was drawing to a close. surely, despite the dearth of time we had to spend with each other in december, surely january would bring a new year, a new decade and a new life. surely, we'd start talking about what concrete actions we needed to take, start planning the steps for getting from -here- to where we're supposed to be.

yeah. not so much.

to my delight, she asked, in early january, how much notice i needed to take a trip to see her. YAY! she's going to have me come see her! surely, SURELY this will be our beginning, no?

no. no trip. no beginning.

my job ends in march. i'll have been here for 13 months. i really, REALLY believed that this city was the one she'd finally join me in. i'd even discussed changing from contract to perm with my employer.

so, you might ask... how was the trip??? trip? what trip?

so, here we are. in 60-90 days i'll be gone from here. and she won't have been here. then again, she didn't join me in the last place i was at, in her state and only 180 miles away from her.

maybe in the next city, during the next contract. or the one after that.

so in the span of 3 months, my future has gone from "any day now" to "just 2 months" to "any day now" to ... "someday".

so, it's time to do what i've had to do five times since i've known her: find another job/contract, move to another city, try to arrange my schedule to coincide as best as possible with hers, find a new place to live. all without her. again. i really didn't think this would happen.

"the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal"

everyday that she doesn't mention anything about it still hurts. how could it not? on the other hand, i no longer "expect" it to be any day, or anytime soon, so the devastating disappointment doesn't fall on me every day.

so i sit and wait patiently (or maybe not so patiently). i listen for any hint that she's interested in getting together. i look for any sign that it's in her thoughts.

i don't know that i can do it again when i have to leave the next city without her.