what is and what ain't

it's been three weeks since she went away for the weekend and i had her almost completely to myself for 48 hours. since then, there's been a couple times i've had her on the phone for >6 hours. it's been 11 weeks since her monday night call to me saying she missed me and us. and it's been 18 weeks since that terrible saturday in november. it feels like a long time. but then, i was the doer, not the doee.

i've tried many times to get her to just chuck it all and let us start, even though she's still hurt. she can't trust me yet, can't trust that i won't leave her again and from a purely objective point of view, i don't blame her. i know what's in my heart and i tell her that, but her response is always "but you were just as sure last time, too." good point. what she can't know though, is what those times of being without her, during which i was sure i'd lost her for good did to me. she can't know, just like each time has beat her down, made her more unsure of us, how each time away from her, how the panic set in when i finally realized that my future wasn't gonna be with her.

eighteen weeks. four and a half months. and we've progressed to the point where she'll usually let me see her on skype. not always, but often. not to the point where i can assume it - i'm still always surprised when we talk and she won't let me see her. there's still no new pics, no views of her in a skirt, or dressed to teach class, or her sexy legs and ass, still none of the pics her girlfriend took of her (that she was gonna send me before -then-), none of the pics she says she's taken of herself in clothes i've bought for her or outfits i've suggested for her. she wouldn't even let me see a pic of her from the marathon she ran - probably because she was wearing -his- hat and -he- was with them (her and bf) the whole day.

when she went away for the weekend, -she'd- mentioned that -maybe- it'd be an opportunity for us to meet. that didn't happen - when it came down to it, she couldn't stomach the thought of being in the same room with me. not to mention that my very presence would have spoiled another area of her life - the area that bf is from. since then, i've tried to get her to let me visit, tried to get her to leave bf and come see me, even tried to just get her to leave bf and get her own place. no, no and no. still can't stand to see me, can't do that yet, has to be her own idea on her own time. on that she's been consistent since the first time we talked.

so soon, bf will be taking a weekend trip and she'll be home alone. to me, it's a perfect opportunity for me to fly in on a thursday, spend thursday night with her (coz we usually get a fair amount of time on thursdays), then friday afternoon and then saturday through sunday afternoon. sex and fucking? not a chance. talking, being together, touching? yeah, that'd be possible.

only one small problem.

let's ignore the fact that she can't see me still. or that she won't let me see her, other than from behind the safety of her desk or her couch and never anything except from her neck up. never mind the fact that she tells me she can see us together, wants to be together. or that it's been almost a month since since her trip, almost two months since she first mentioned this trip, which will be late next month. or that she hasn't mentioned it at all. something significant will probably happen for me around the end of march, which she knows about and is somewhat involved in. yesterday i asked her if she thought we'd see each other by then, within that two months. she didn't say "no", but she certainly didn't say "yes" either. she said "i'd like to say yes...". i know her well enough and we've been through enough times where that's been her answer to know that seeing her is not something i can count on. it could happen, but i really need to not get my hopes up. if possible, i should try to completely forget about even asking or hoping to see her, otherwise i'll start pressuring her to do so and that will send her the other way.

so, let's follow the time line. almost five months since -then-. almost three months since she called. almost a month since a real opportunity to see her was passed over. less than a month till the next opportunity to spend time together. and she isn't sure that in -two- more months she'll yet be able to stomach being in the same place with me.

what is is that i love her. i can't picture my life without her. what is is that because of what i've done to her, she isn't sure, despite also believing that we belong together, that she can find her way back to an -us-; which means that no matter how much she wants it, needs it, sees it, she might just not be able to bring herself to do it.

what ain't is the romantic notion/hopes i had that i'd be able to call her up, ask her to leave bf and fly to me, spend a few weeks here wrapping up this part of my life, then we drive back to her area and we start living our life. what ain't is the equally romantic wish that she'd call me one day and just say "be here tonight" and that while i was winging toward her at 500mph she'd be home packing her bags and telling bf she was done. what ain't is the hope that we could be together anytime soon. what ain't is the frightening reality that the legal and financial hardships that are relentlessly getting closer to me will be weathered without her by my side; i'll have her support, but it won't be in person.

what -is-, everyday, is another day of the fucking reality of what i did to her, to me, to us.

fuck.

of great weekends... the two minutes it takes to undo them... and property rights

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