another weekend gone. wasted. never to be recovered.
she was able to call for a while on saturday. she thought she might be able to call on sunday if she didn't go to a thing with him.
but i knew that there was no way she wouldn't not go with him. weekends she's -home-, not away.
i waited until there was no chance anyway.
alone.
again. or still.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
back again
it's been a while and a lot has happened. i wish i had more exciting things to report.
i went on a 8 day vacation with a long time friend to a beach, near where B is. we talked about it for sometime beforehand. she even sounded excited about my plan - to come to her area early one morning, meet for lunch and after work, i'd stay in the area, then do the same the next day, then i'd go back to my vacation, our lives forever changed.
she sounded enthused. but she wasn't sold.
i know i was bad last week, not myself when we talked, and we talked quite a bit. i couldn't get the hurt, the disappointment, the anger out of me. i was SO MAD at her for not wanting to meet. after so long, so long, so much we've been through, as much as we've gotten closer and stronger and back to ourselves after it's been so long.... and still she couldn't meet. couldn't even bring herself to talk about it once it got close.
now she thinks i'm done, that i'm moving on from her, which is so not the case. i tried to tell her today that i'm hooked; for life. she can have me just like this for as long as she wants me. i can't leave her and she knows it. and she knows she NEVER has to do anything else for me. doesn't have to meet me, fuck me or be with me and i'll still wait. until she changes her mind and wants to be with me, until i die, or until the desolation in my heart causes me to implode. but why can't she understand the rejection, the hurt, the pain of what it's like for her to not be able to even MEET me after almost 4 years?
she told me today that i -do- have influence on her, that maybe i help show her how to not be so rigid and inflexible. in three years i made her feel comfortable enough with me to tell me her name. how many years till she both wants to meet and trusts me enough to do it? and then to be together? i can't even guess how long that could be. half of the rest of my life? half of what could have been our time together. we've already lost three years that we can never get back. i feel the loss of every "wasted" minute; she doesn't see it as a loss; she says she doesn't see things as deadlines.
three weeks ago i wrote "... she seems within reach, it feels like maybe, just maybe, that which i've wanted and hoped for for so long just might be within the realm of possibility." two of those weeks were spent both of us (or was it just me?) building up to a week that we both knew would change everything. just three weeks.
i went on a 8 day vacation with a long time friend to a beach, near where B is. we talked about it for sometime beforehand. she even sounded excited about my plan - to come to her area early one morning, meet for lunch and after work, i'd stay in the area, then do the same the next day, then i'd go back to my vacation, our lives forever changed.
she sounded enthused. but she wasn't sold.
i know i was bad last week, not myself when we talked, and we talked quite a bit. i couldn't get the hurt, the disappointment, the anger out of me. i was SO MAD at her for not wanting to meet. after so long, so long, so much we've been through, as much as we've gotten closer and stronger and back to ourselves after it's been so long.... and still she couldn't meet. couldn't even bring herself to talk about it once it got close.
now she thinks i'm done, that i'm moving on from her, which is so not the case. i tried to tell her today that i'm hooked; for life. she can have me just like this for as long as she wants me. i can't leave her and she knows it. and she knows she NEVER has to do anything else for me. doesn't have to meet me, fuck me or be with me and i'll still wait. until she changes her mind and wants to be with me, until i die, or until the desolation in my heart causes me to implode. but why can't she understand the rejection, the hurt, the pain of what it's like for her to not be able to even MEET me after almost 4 years?
she told me today that i -do- have influence on her, that maybe i help show her how to not be so rigid and inflexible. in three years i made her feel comfortable enough with me to tell me her name. how many years till she both wants to meet and trusts me enough to do it? and then to be together? i can't even guess how long that could be. half of the rest of my life? half of what could have been our time together. we've already lost three years that we can never get back. i feel the loss of every "wasted" minute; she doesn't see it as a loss; she says she doesn't see things as deadlines.
three weeks ago i wrote "... she seems within reach, it feels like maybe, just maybe, that which i've wanted and hoped for for so long just might be within the realm of possibility." two of those weeks were spent both of us (or was it just me?) building up to a week that we both knew would change everything. just three weeks.
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